Aaarrrrggggghh!

I didn't have a very good weekend at all and it had little to do with the grey clouds and (what I consider) cold weather. It is good being able to light a fire and have it warming up the house.

However, I am struggling with getting my behavior management assignment done. I have done all the readings and taken notes, highlighted good quotes and done a rough plan. It is constantly on my mind and I turn over the concepts and possible wording of the paper in my head, almost 24 hours of the day. It isn't about making time to do it and it's not because I've been wasting time elsewhere, it's about the fact that I don't know how to write it. All amount of self-talk, positive "I can do this" and "Don't feel discouraged, just do it" statements don't make the paper become a reality. Today I felt like running outside, stamping my feet and screaming but I resisted the urge and plodded on, with a few tears close to the surface.

The last couple of nights I have had bad dreams and that hasn't helped me feel any better. When I wake up feeling tired and can remember the dream, I wonder why I dreamt that and it gives me a heavy feeling as I start the day.

I have felt very lonely over the weekend. I wish there was someone I could sit and watch a movie with, someone who could hug me and reassure me that I'm not 'stupid' and someone who I could live my life with, who is on the same wavelength as me. I went to church yesterday and it seemed like there were so many couples around - young adults, old people and people my age. It seems unfair that Dave passed away and left me alone when I am still young enough to live. The couples hold hands and sit closely together and at the end of the service, the young families gather together to go home. I know that their lives aren't perfect and Dave and I didn't have the perfect marriage but we had each other and planned to grow old together and make good memories along the way.

In another week's time, my study for this semester will be over but before that, two assignments have to be completed. In a few week's time, I will go and celebrate my nephew's wedding with my family and catch up with some friends who I've been missing but before then, I have things that need to be done here first. I want to look ahead to those good times but right now, my focus is on the here and now and I am feeling discouraged. I hate feeling like this! I know I have so much to be thankful for and I know I have achieved so much even over these last couple of months but all that is overshadowed by being alone and not having my assignments done.

I decided this morning that, rather than wait for a break in my study, I would do the laundry and the dishes. I figured that way they would get done. As I hung the washing out on the line, Milly picked up a sock and took it out of the basket. I dropped a peg and waited until I finished hanging up the top before bending it over to pick it up. My five second delay gave Milly the opportunity to pounce on the peg and she was reluctant to give it back to me. Later, when I was sitting at the kitchen table studying, I saw her lying there under the clothesline. Every now and again she would stand up and jump for the sleeve of my jumper. (sweater) I would call her and she would stop and lie down again, waiting for another moment. At one stage, she moved to the other side of the clothesline and I had to get up from the table to be able to see her. She jumped up a few times before she came to the back door and fell asleep there. She is getting so big now and yet, she's only five months old!

Tonight, I am going to Sharyn's so that we can look at my assignment, at what I have done and what I have planned, to see if I can figure out what I need to do from there. Tomorrow morning, I am meeting with the lecturer so by tomorrow afternoon, the words should just flow. Maybe. I have an idea of what is required of me but processing my thinking with Sharyn first, will help for when I speak to the lecturer tomorrow. Well the sun is setting, casting a golden, red glow over the mountains, paddocks and trees and tomorrow will be a new day. In the meantime, I will tackle some more of my assignment, feed the puppy and myself, pack the chocolate in with my laptop and notes and see if I can get some sense of understanding, direction and peace about this assignment before the night is over.

 

So I went over to Sharyn's and over a cup of mocha, she helped me put my thoughts into order and work out some questions that could clarify the lecturer's expectations. I am so thankful for Sharyn's patience and friendship. In some ways we are opposites but her strengths complement mine  and we work well together, especially if there's chocolate on the table between us!