Live Real

It's late and I hadn't planned on writing another blog post and especially not about what I am about to write about. Sometimes I write blog posts in my head and some of those ideas make it to this blogsite and others get lost in the morning or seem irrelevant when I sit down to write. I was going to share about a devotion I read by Joyce Meyer about serving a God of excellence. She wrote,

"Satan tempts us to live a low life, but God tempts us to come up higher. One of the worst mistakes we can make is to get complacent, thinking that what we have right now is okay. A mindset of low expectations holds us back because God can only do through us what we believe for."

I do want to live a life of excellence and I am putting down roots prayerfully as to what I need to be doing and how I should be living, using my gifts to love God and others. Tonight, I went along to church because they were showing a film called, "Not a Fan" as part of a series they will be studying in their home groups and for church services during August. It's about being genuine and following God whole-heartedly. I guess the theme is coming out loud and clear. At church, I met up with friends from work and I was also introduced to two of the pastors and a couple other people. I've been attending that church for a few months now so it was good to meet them and after a short time of worship, communion and greetings, it was time to watch the film.

The movie started off with a husband collapsing, his daughter calling 911 and the daughter and wife heading to the hospital behind the ambulance. When they get to the hospital, they walk past the ambulance and into the hospital.

There are other bits to that introduction but that is almost exactly how it was when Dave collapsed. He hadn't been feeling well all day and we were upstairs about to retire for the night. He sat up and fell forward on to the floor. I called for Dianne and she called 911. Dave was showing signs of being partly conscious. He held my hand and as I told him I loved him, he squeezed it tightly. He opened his eyes, rolled over and put his head in my lap. The paramedics came and took him off in the ambulance and Dianne and I got in my car and drove to the hospital. When we got there, we walked past the ambulance with the doors still open and were ushered into a waiting room. It was about 20 minutes (or maybe longer) that the chaplain (or was it the doctor) came and told us that Dave had passed away even though they had tried resuscitating him for 20 minutes or so. We went to where he was and he looked like he was asleep.

Next Friday, the 2nd August is the 2nd anniversary of that night and I have been thinking about that for the last couple of days and even trying to organize a night with friends so that I can do something to celebrate Dave's life rather than stay home and feel sorry for myself. When I watched that film tonight, I could not stop the tears. In the film, the husband died and at the funeral service they reflected on his life and the difference he had made to so many people after he chose to live a life that pleased God. Throughout the film, there were close ups of his wife and I could identify with the emotions and her actions. Sometimes I had to close my eyes because the pain was so raw.

Sometimes it can feel easier being here away from others grieving because I can focus on missing Dave and not so much on his death but watching that movie tonight, brought back that night, the following week after it and all the emotions and intense pain and heartache. So, when I got home tonight, I felt like I was just going through the motions. I put the rubbish bins out on the curb, fed the dog and watched TV. Most of the night, tears fell as I reflected on the movie and I reflected on that night back in August 2011. It hurts.

I'm going to go to bed and pray that I sleep well tonight. Tomorrow, I need to get working on my assignment due in less than 3 weeks and it won't be long before I am working full time so if anything, I need to get ahead. To try and leave on a positive note, I will add a photo I saw on Patsy Clairmont's Facebook page.