Dave, My Beloved Husband!

I knew I loved him deeply but I didn't know how much until he was gone.
I knew he was a part of my life but I didn't realise how much I depended on him, how much I looked forward to him coming home and how much I loved sharing our life together until I realised that now I am on my own and I have to have a life without him.

I hold back the tears, scared that once they start flowing, they will never stop.  I am right about this and my pillow is now soaked, my cheeks are wet and the tears just keep coming.
I stand there, wanting to fall, bracing myself while my insides are torn up and my heart is breaking.  How.. why... did I love him so much?

Everyone around me has been so wonderful and their love and words touch me but when all is said and done, they go back to their homes, to their lives and I'm left here alone in the home that I shared with Dave and no matter how much I want him to come through that door, he won't. 

It's just as well that we learned how to breathe, to dress ourselves, to put food in our mouths when we are young, so when we hurt this badly, we can go through the motions, take a step at a time, move without thinking, knowing that one day, this too shall pass.

I read this from another woman's blog and I know exactly how she feels:  "I’ve not only lost him, I’ve lost me. Who I was, who I was functioning as. And while there are similarities to my life before [he passed away], I will now have to find a new direction, a new purpose, new goals. I will not be the same person.... I will not have the same future. It has all changed and right now it feels blank and very empty. I know it will take time, time and energy. I know that God will direct me in finding new purpose, but today it just feels like more death. The death again of all I believed would happen. The death of the old me." 

Now I face a future that has no certainties.  I am going back to Australia.  People say that I am going "home" to Australia but Australia is not my home.  I always said to Dave, wherever he is, that is my home.  Here is not my home anymore, either.  And yet is is.  Because this is where Dave and I had a home together and this is where he loved, where he lived, where he has so many memories - good and bad - and this is his home that he brought me into and made me his.  "Always and all yours" I said so often, I texted him so often, he is my beloved.

When I left Australia to come here, it was with a heart full of love, a heart full of hope and a heart full of dreams to share with him.  When I go back to Australia, I go back without him.

I pick myself up and realise that life goes on and that there will be a future for me.  I am glad that I don't drink alcohol because today would be tempting to drink myself into oblivion. I know that is not the answer, not a cure and really, I know that I wouldn't anyway. 

People admire me for my strength and vitality but I am just me and I wonder why I have to be the one to endure such heartache.  "Life is unfair" I have heard over and over again.  "We're about due for a miracle", I say to my attorney and brother-in-law Dan last week but to be honest, I don't expect one.  All I know is that God loves me and that He will help me get through this one step at a time and even though I hurt so much, He is carrying me and providing for me all that I need.

If you've read through all this, thank you.  ♥  I didn't write this for your sympathy or pity, I wrote it to share how I really feel and I guess, because I wanted to tell everyone just how much I loved Dave and miss him so much.  If it means you'll pray for me, again I thank you.  A couple people have told me they can't do much but they can pray and all I know is that is doing much more than we can do in our own strength.