Too Much

I  am going to start this blog post by apologising to anyone who might have been personally offended by what I wrote in my last blog post. It was not an attack on you, it was an honest sharing of how I have felt in the midst of my grief at this Christmas time. In fact, if I ever refer to people in a general  way and/or comment on their negative actions, it is not people who read my blog or of any of my close friends or family. I am so aware that you love me and are praying for me and very appreciative of your support. I deleted that post which is probably why those who get the blog emailed, got an 'extra' one from last June. I don't know why it sends out an old post when I delete a recent one, I just know that it does.

Last night I sat down to watch a movie with my friend Danni and we ate some of the chocolate stash I have on the kitchen counter. There is still too much so I will take some to my side of the family's Christmas party. Coming from a large family (I am one of 6 kids) means that it should make a sizeable dent into how much gets eaten. The other day, I gave a box of chocolates to another friend who had invited me for lunch and she gave me one for a Christmas present. It seems that the more I give, the more is given back to me.

The movie Danni and I watched was one that Dave and I had enjoyed together. It's an action movie called, "Taken". It seems that as the time draws closer to Christmas, I am constantly remembering times that Dave and I shared. Someone will make an off-hand remark and I'll be reminded of something Dave said or the way he would look or words that he would say. I still miss him so much and now that next year is so uncertain as I don't know what I will be doing, I have more time to reminisce.

The Christmas tree is up and presents are under it, including presents that my sweet step-daughter sent over to me for Nathan, his girlfriend and me. She sent some BBQ flavored pork skins which is one of her favourite treats and not something one can buy here. I have almost finished preparing the house for Christmas. I want to put on the Christmas table cloth that I bought for our table at home a couple years ago. As Danni sat on a couch, I picked up items that were scattered around the living room and explained to her what the memory was associated with each item. I showed her one of Dave's favourite mugs that I had bought him that said, "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

Today I feel a little empty. I am trying to get excited about Christmas and all the hype and good family times that go with it, but I am also just going through the motions of what it would look like if I was excited. There's a part of me that hopes the feelings that I should be having will come but another part of me that knows life will never be the same again. I know that I have much to be thankful for and I know that God has given me family and friends who love me and are praying for me. But it still hurts so much! I just want Dave to come and hold me the way he used to. He would hold me so tight while he slept through the night and sometimes I would lie awake just enjoying being held by him.

I know the meaning of Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus. I know that He is faithful and walking beside me. I also know that He is holding me and that He understands my heart, loves me unconditionally and wants what's best for me. Everyone talks about 'the new normal' as though it is neatly packaged and comes to those who wait patiently. It is still hard for me to know what the new normal is, what my life will be like and in fact, when I can get on with my life and have a job and a home, a place to put down roots. I don't like being in this uncertain, holding place. I don't like not knowing what I will be doing next year and I sure don't like hurting this much. I plod through each moment, going through the motions, hoping that there will be some purpose for me, soon. (Yesterday would have been nice!)

Do not be offended by the words I use to describe my pain. It is nothing personal. I know the words you speak are meant to be reassuring and are said with love and kindness but right now it is not words I need, just love, understanding and perhaps a hug.

I do hope you have an enjoyable Christmas and that 2013 brings you the richest of God's blessings: His unconditional love and grace, His peace that passes all understanding and His joy and hope for whatever you encounter in the new year.

Thank you for your love, support and prayers for me. I value you.

Live Life

There's a lot happening at this time of year and memories, thoughts, reflections run through my mind at a thousand miles per second. Sometimes I can make sense of things but when there is no making sense of some actions and thoughts, I choose how I will respond. On an application form recently, it asked if I was optimistic and I replied, "I choose to be optimistic". It would be so easy to get caught up in the pain or to dwell on uncertainty but that doesn't move me forward. I am learning that it's OK for me to cry and be hurt and acknowledge my disappointments but after that time, I need to make a choice to take a step forward without allowing the disappointment to become bitterness.

Yesterday I was in the bush and enjoying the peace and I felt like I belonged there. All the cares of the world were somewhere back on the bitumen road, not here on the dirt track with the river running over the rocks, the birds singing, mosquitoes buzzing and the rustling of the long grass that might have been a snake or just merely the breeze. I got out of the car and looked along the banks of the river. I saw trees with their roots reaching down to the water and I was reminded of Psalm 1.

Blessed is the one.... whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on His law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

I went to an interview and they asked me the usual "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" question and although I balked, I answered honestly. The thing is, my life in the past many years has not been my plans. Maybe I got to make a decision in some of my circumstances but those things can change so whatever plans I make, I need to make with an open hand and realise that I don't and can't, have control over everything. I did tell them though that my 'ultimate' dream is to be working with children and also to have a couple of acres, my own horse and be able to go riding whenever I had the time. The principal thought that sounded like a good plan.

I've been reading a book called, "Love Does" by Bob Goff and he wrote this:

I think God's hope and plan for us is pretty simple to figure out. For those who resonate with formulas, here it is: add your whole life, your loves, your passions, and your interests together with what God wants us to be about, and that's your answer... We're God's plan and we always have been. We aren't just supposed to be observers, listeners, or have a bunch of opinions.... Tell me about the God you love; tell me about what He has inspired uniquely in you; tell me about what you're going to do about it..."

As I've been reading that book, it's challenged me to live my life as the person God created me to be. It also challenges me to take risks and not get bogged down by disappointments. The other day I received a call saying I didn't get a job that I had been hoping to get and I cried for a bit but then I got online and searched for another job. Instead of just filling out an application form and posting it, I got in my car and drove to the town to look around. I wanted to make sure it was a place I would be happy to live in and I must admit, I loved it. It was a rather spontaneous  thing to do and I met a few people who were surprised by my actions but I was glad I did it. The longer I stayed by the river, the more I felt at peace with God, with me and with whatever my future might hold.

Sometimes I think we speak cliches and words that are meant to reassure but the words come easily because we've heard them before and we think that's what we are supposed to say. When we meet people who have wrestled with God, who have had their hearts wrenched about and have felt the pain of life because they've got involved and taken risks, we are more apt to listen to them and yet, they often don't speak out loud. We 'hear' their encouragement as they walk alongside us and love us.

We often try to fit God into neat little cliches too but He doesn't fit. Sort of like the Incredible Hulk breaks out of his clothes, God breaks out of the box and does things that are way beyond our imagination. He loves us in a way that makes us gasp in amazement. I remember one time, Dave and I were walking through the woods near Mom and Dad Flowers' home and I was pointing out the beauty of the mountains, remarking on the deer we saw watching us, being amazed at the salmon fighting to get home, the beaver marks in the trees and the river running past the walking track and Dave said to me that he was used to those things so took them for granted. Sometimes that is how we are with God. We limit Him because He's always been there, in the church, in our programs, in our words and we forget just how amazing and awesome He is!

Today, there are people in mourning as a shooter killed young children and teachers in a school. There are tragedies and circumstances we have no control over but we can choose how we will live today and how we will respond to God and the people He has put in our lives. Even while the tears are still drying and the pain is easing a little, we need to make a choice to move forward, live and love, knowing how valuable yet fragile, life is.

Keep On Dreaming

Sometimes life is not easy and sometimes it hurts. If you are a regular reader of my blog posts, you know it's been a challenging year for me in so many ways but I hope that I have made it clear that God has walked alongside me every step of the way and not once have I felt alienated from Him, not once have I doubted his unfathomable love for me or wondered whether or not He would provide me with what I needed. Constantly, I have been aware of His blessings and there have been glimpses of sunshine no matter how bleak the day.

Lately it seems that I have been skipping through life and trying to move on, almost to the point that I pretended that the last sixteen months hadn't happened and that I hadn't been a widow for longer than I was married to my beloved Dave and so I wore a smile and chose to ignore the hurt, the love and the loss that was mine because of Dave. Last week, as changes began to close in around me, as sleep eluded me and Christmas highlighted my loss, I began wishing I could crawl into my bed and wait for time to pass, until the time when healing and normality had returned to my life.  The students finished school on Thursday and on Friday morning, I mentioned something in passing to Bonnie and she was quick to perceive that maybe my smiling facade of strength wasn't holding up so well.

I went to my classroom and sat at my desk trying to fight back the tears when a colleague came in and asked about dictionaries. I kept my eyes averted from his face and pointed out where they were and I kept the tremor from my voice when I said we needed new ones in the classroom. As he left, Bonnie came in. She understood and she cared. She reassured me that it was normal and natural to feel like this. Over the weekend, when I had time to myself, I measured my losses and counted my blessings and faced the facts. It hasn't been easy but as the song says:

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One

Even if the healing doesn't come.

I expect healing to come and I know God provides all that I need. The first verse of that song says:

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
 

I trust in God and who He is, with everything I am.

The good thing is that I think I am more patient waiting to hear about a job than my friends  and family are. They want me to be settled and be able to move forward, nearly as much as I do. I know I have a lot to give and I am looking forward to giving and putting my heart into the next chapter of my life. I am thankful for the year I've had. I have made some new good friends, taught in a challenging class and loved each one of my students. I've made lots of good memories and I have grown through it all.

There is another song I have on my iPad called, "Even if it breaks your heart" and the lyrics are:

Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

I have realised that I can choose to either dwell on my pain and loss or I can keep on dreaming and be positive. It might break my heart. I had dreams with Dave which are now unfulfilled dreams, that will never happen. There is a time to cry, a time to grieve and a time to acknowledge that it hurts and I don't have to pretend otherwise. At the same time, I want to keep reaching foward, keep on dreaming and hold onto the hope that some of my dreams will get better and will be fulfilled. But even if they don't, God is good, faithful and forever. He knows me so well that He knows who, what, when and where, is best for me.

Sunday in December

It's been a wonderful weekend and it's not quite over yet.  Nathan is still here and I am enjoying having him around!

This morning Nathan and my housemate came to church with me and it was so good to be able to worship with my son standing right next to me. The sermon was good and was based on Acts 2. An interesting thing the pastor said was that the people responded to the Lord's invitation. They didn't meet together or do things so that they could have the Holy Spirit in their life. They responded to the Holy Spirit being in their life. It is all about relationship.

Once again I heard one of my favourite songs and tears softly fell. The chorus is:

You are the God who lives,
You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us
Offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
How true those words have become in my life!

After church we went and had lunch and headed down to the beach. It wasn't a beautiful sunny day but one of my colleagues / friends from school was getting baptised in the ocean and I wanted to be there for her. It was such a joy to witness her baptism and the baptisms of people from her church. The first lady to be baptised was over 80 years old and she hadn't brought any warm clothes and only a hand towel, so Nathan went and got my picnic rug from the car and took it and wrapped it around her after she came out of the cold water. He said to me, "Mum, she's such a sweet, cute old lady".

Nathan drove my car so that he could get more experience driving a manual. He got stuck at an intersection, stalling every time he took the handbrake off (it was on a hill) until finally I asked him, "Do you have it in first?" Oops. Well, that's the way to learn I guess.

I went and caught up with two of my favourite colleagues at school as I had to print out the last subject of my reports and then Nathan and I went shopping for a star to sit on the top of our Christmas tree. Tomorrow is Orientation Day at school which is a day all the students look forward to as they find out who their teacher will be next year. I am so thankful to have my reports completely finished and I am pretty much prepared for this coming week.

It's going to be a good week tinged with a little sadness as the school year ends and goodbyes are said, books are packed and we all move forward to the next chapter.

The First Of December, 2012

I'm so excited because it's the first of December which means it's the first day of Summer and Christmas day is only a few weeks away. I was talking with a colleague yesterday, in between report writing and he was on the interview panel when I first applied for the job I have now. He said I 'interviewed well' and I compared myself from then to now. I look back and see how much I have grown and how much I have healed. These are random things.

Then: Not looking forward to Christmas and didn't want to put up a tree.

Today: Bought a Christmas tree and with Nathan, we put it up and decorated it.

Then: A feeling of sadness and deep grief encompassed me
Now: Although I miss Dave, I am excited about what the future might hold for me.

Then: I'd hear songs on the radio and either cry or turn it over to another radio station to a song I didn't know or a song that wasn't going to break my heart.
Now: I sing. I hum. I sing along. I turn the radio to songs I do know. I smile when I sing and I enjoy singing again.

Then: Singing worship songs sometimes made me cry and be sad. 
Now: Sometimes that can still happen but I still want to sing and praise God.

Then: I didn't care what the future held and just existed from moment to moment.
Now: I still don't know what the future holds but I want to live my life to the fullest.

Then: I didn't know if I really wanted to continue teaching and wondered if I really was a good teacher.
Now: I have had a challenging class but I love them and I'm thankful for the privilege of teaching. I want to teach. I want to be in a school where I am able to put down roots and once again, get involved, give, teach, learn and thrive with my class.

Then: (Actually more like June 2010) I told Dave how glad I was that I would never have to write another report again!
Now: I have finished reports for this year and I am satified that I have written with fairness and kindness. I have not sugar-coated the truth but at least the teacher who has them next year will know a little about my students.

Then: I surrounded myself with things from home. (with Dave)

Now: I surround myself with things from home and smile because of the memories I have. As I took out the ornaments, I thought of how Dianne and I had divided them in half and she has half the same as me! As I set up the Nativity Scene, I thought about how Dave had made it a priority to set it up and he would take care in the way he arranged the figurines. As I switched on the ornaments that light up, I thought about how Mom Flowers had bought them and given them to Dave and I as she didn't use them.

Then: I wanted to stay in bed all day and didn't care if I didn't see anyone except my close friends.
Now: I get up before 8, even on Saturday mornings! I love getting out and making new friends and spending time with people.

Then: I walked. I smiled. I talked. But  a lot of it, was just going through the motions, hoping to get through the next moment, the day, the night and go through the motions again.
Now: I walk. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I dance. I sing. Because I want to.

Then: I didn't care.
Now: I care. I love having Nathan here with me for a couple days. I am looking forward to giving my students their Christmas gifts and looking forward to spending the last day with them, not because I am eager to say goodbye but because they have become so precious to me.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with tears in my eyes from missing Dave. I might not have a job by the end of next week and will be wondering what I will do once I have finished work on the 12th December. I might feel uncertain and insecure. But. It really doesn't matter because in my heart, I know that God knows what I need, He knows what the future holds and, just like He has done has every moment and every day since Dave passed away, He will continue to hold me and guide me. He will make sure that I have everything I need at the perfect time that I need it.

I will not always get things right and the past year has been challenging and painful. People have been insensitive and encouraging, distant or close, abrupt and tactful but God has remained constant and faithful.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

And never will there be a time that He will leave me to walk alone.

Being Thankful For Much

The other day when the staff gathered to pray, the air was heavy with all the concerns and prayer requests; people in pain, people grieving, people lost and when we broke off into our small groups, I felt saddened by the news.  One lady in our group began to pray by thanking God for the blessings in our life, praising Him because He loves us and as she prayed, my heart felt encouraged and I was reminded of how much I had to be thankful for.  That day I went on an excursion with my class and two other classes and we had a good time together.  I was thankful for my class and for the two other adults who accompanied us.  It was fun!

However, even though I know it's important to have a positive attitude, sometimes I struggle with the  uncertainty of my future and the enormity of the end of year tasks coming up.  Some of it's good, like the social events but some of it can be wearying, such as the writing of reports.  This morning I woke up with my throat stinging and my head not wanting to leave the support of my pillow.  I ached all over and yet I had too much to do so had to get up.  I checked my email and read the following by the author Andy Andrews.

"How to be happy when you don't feel happy."

I groaned.  I knew what was coming next and I didn't want to read it.  I want to be allowed to feel unhappy, stressed and achey all over.  Other people do it and get away with it.  Besides, today is Saturday so why shouldn't I feel that way since I won't be in anyone else's way.....  I continued reading.

• No one wants to follow a grouch
• You have to become someone whom others want to follow
• Choose to be grateful
• Most people exist in life without anyone telling them how great they are
• Learn how to vocalize the things we are grateful for having in our lives

I have really enjoyed reading some of the facebook statuses of my friends from the US.  They have been focussed on recording daily something they are thankful for and some have even included photos.  I know I need to choose to be grateful and at the beginning of this year, I had started a photo thankfulness blog but then had difficulties of uploading the photo when my laptop destroyed my SD card and it was no longer safe to put SD cards straight into the laptop.  Although I have since found a solution to that problem, I didn't continue with that blog.

I do have many reasons to be thankful and the first thing that comes to my mind is that I am loved.  I have so many wonderful people in my life, both family and friends and some of you have no idea the impact your love has in my life.  You are only a phone call or skype call away, you are available for me, you make me laugh and you don't give up on me.  You hear me when I cry and you don't walk away.  I am thankful for you!

I am going to have an early night tonight because I am physically unwell but a good night of sleep might help.  I went to school today and oddly enough, I was the only one there so I did get some work done which makes me feel a little more organised and ready to write reports.  I looked up an ad again of a job that I might like to have.  The other day when I read the ad, I felt discouraged but since then the ad has been slighly changed and I know I can do that job.  I also know that if it is the job I am meant to have, then God has it under control so I am feeling a little more hopeful.

This past week, there has been a bookfair at the school so I have been avoiding the library for that reason.  However, I had to go there to choose 3 books for awards for my students so I finally got there.  After I had chosen the books, Aleysia laughingly waved the catalogue in my face and I swept it aside as I swept up books, CDs, posters and anything else that took my fancy, into my arms.  I put them on her desk and paid for them.  Ahhh, the joys of Koorong!  I played the CD as I worked today and realised that a few of my favourite songs from this year were on it.  I hadn't even checked but I was certainly thankful they were on it as it will save me downloading the songs from iTunes.

It's the weekend.  I will take some time to be thankful that God has His hand in my life, that He loves me more than I can measure and that He does have a plan and purpose for my life.

Thank you for loving me.

The End of the Year Looms

This is a difficult time of year.  As I drove to a shopping centre about 20 minutes away from home, I sang along with the songs on my iPad and confidently thought about the future and about how far I had come in terms of healing.  Of course, some songs lead me to think about bittersweet memories but one song in particular had words that said something to the effect of "if I had it to do all over again, I would because it was worth it, it was worth loving you...."  And it was, but sometimes the pain gets my heart in a knot and I wish life was different and wish Dave was still alive, sharing his life with me.

I was excited to be going shopping because I had made something special for each of my students as part of the Christmas gift I will be giving them.  It had taken a lot of time and I thought that if I finalised details tonight, it would leave me 'free' to use Saturday for report writing.  I am the worst procrastinator so I need to eliminate all possible distractions.  While I waited to finalise those purchases, I looked in jewellery/gift stores, 'house' stores, clothing stores and Big W.  Trying on a pair of jeans didn't help.  I much prefer the US sizing and prices!  I looked at a set of glasses that I keep thinking of buying but I had enough purchases for the evening, so decided to sit down and have something to eat since it was almost 8pm.

I opened up the gift I had for my students and out of the 26 gifts, one was wrong!  I was so disappointed and now I have to figure out another time to redo that one.  Perhaps I will just do it online and have it delivered, rather than go that distance again.  Well, actually, it's not the distance that matters, it's the time involved and the fact that to get to that store, I have to go past 2480 other stores that are inviting and rather than waste a trip, I may as well look in.

The other thing that was on my mind was the fact that everyone's getting ready for Christmas and I have to face another Christmas without Dave.  I thought last year would be hard because it would be my first Christmas but in some ways, this year is hard because I am wanting to celebrate and share it with Dave but he is not here.  I am not sure if that makes sense to you.  It's hard to have the energy and desire to move forward and yet not be able to. When I was walking around the shopping centre last night, I kept seeing gifts that I would have liked to get for Dave and things I would like to buy for our home...

I also have the added dilemma of whether or not to unpack our Christmas decorations, get a tree and put them up.  I still don't have a job and if I have to move, there is no point getting them out. 

Which leads into my next concern in that I still don't have a job.  Everyone is quick to reassure me that God has a plan for my life and that He has prepared a place for me and I agree with them but it would be really nice to know what God has prepared for me so I can make plans.  One person suggested that if I don't get a job, I can put all my things into storage and go and live with friends out of one suitcase.  I have family and friends who would be gracious enough to allow me to stay with them but that is not the point.  But the questions are: Do I put up the tree? Do I start packing my boxes for moving? Do I plan to go away on a long holiday if I don't get a job? Do I look at other options rather than teaching? Do I give up on the dreams I have for buying my own place, having a horse and a dog and putting down roots?  Am I supposed to take a break from teaching?

One of the songs that played as I drove tonight was, "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul."  I sang along and prayed too.  How much does it mean to me to have my own place?  I don't want to spend the money I have when I could use it to buy my own home but will I have a choice?  Another song echoing my thoughts was that in everything, I want the Lord to be glorified. 

It gets discouraging applying for job after job after job.  I get focussed on a job and how it would be great for me and what I would do but then nothing comes of it and I have to try again.  It is like an emotional rollercoaster.  I get my hopes up high about a job, it comes crashing down, I get my hopes up high about the next job, it comes crashing down and so on.  It can also get annoying when people tell me they know how I feel or they try to tell me that God does have a plan for me but they are speaking from the security of their own job &/or their own home and/or their own family and their own settled lives. My trust is in God.  I have no one else. My belief is that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and I cling to that promise. I know that He will provide all I need.  He provides food for the birds of the air and clothing for the flowers of the field and He loves me even more than those.

But I just want to know what it is I am supposed to do.  I love teaching.  I am really enjoying my class and having lots of fun with them.  The end of the school year is closing in and there's only 3 weeks left.  What then? 

Creator God Made Me

The sand is warm and soft beneath my feet, the sun is shining on my face and the wind plays with my hair as I walk along the beach.  I can hear the waves crashing and splashing while seagulls glide over the surface of the water.  The sky is blue and the sea is turquoise with tips of white, frothy water rolling over the sand.  Oh how I love this place!

When I am here, I know how great my Father God is.  I can see His power and creativity displayed before me.  He is here with me, holding me, loving me and reminding me that He is totally in control.  He knows my thoughts and the desires of my heart and He doesn't ignore those in the plans He has prepared for my future.  After all, He made me like this and put those interests, desires and talents within me for a purpose.

As I sit here on the sand, facing the ocean, I am at peace.  The things that are worrying me, the memories that bring tears, the uncertainty of my future all fade momentarily into insignficance while I focus on the beauty of this place.  I pause in my writing to breathe in the sea air and I look up and watch a seagull fly effortlessly across the blue sky. A dog barks as he chases the ball his master threw.

Yesterday, after a rough sleepless night, I was listening to one of my CDs and heard lyrics that reminded me that:

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him, we know
God is in control

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me

It's been awhile since I've had a tearful night such as that but I do still miss Dave and the uncertainty of tomorrow combines to make me fret. 

A good friend told me that a teaching position on the coast may be opening up next week and it is also in an affordable place for me to live.  There's even a property with 5 acres including a horse stable and dam for sale.  My heart wonders, "Can I have it all?  A nearby coastline, rolling green hills, as well as a few acres for a dog and a horse?"  God knows my heart and my desires.  He knows the best place for me and has it all in control.

Now, I need to walk along the coast and continue to enjoy the sounds, sights and smells of the beach.  It's warm enough that I may even paddle my feet in the shallows.

Here is a treasure I found along the beach today.

 

Hope and Dreams

Recently I was feeling a bit discouraged and as I drove home from church, had a conversation with God about it, asking Him to tell me what I was supposed to do next year and reminding Him of all the likes, dislikes and passions I have.  With only 6 weeks until the end of this school year, it would be nice to make plans and have something definite for 2013.  When I first started applying for jobs, it was easy to trust that God had it all in control and that He would provide what I needed in His perfect timing.  However, I'm sure it's become evident to anyone reading this blog, that I feel that I am ready to put down roots and start moving forward with life.  I am thankful for this past year, for the time it has given me to get back on my feet financially and also finding out who I am again.  It's given me the opportunity to remember all the things I enjoy and helped me to know what plans are realistic enough for me to dream. I know this year hasn't been a waste of time at all.

After church, I was talking to my good friend Sonya, sharing with her how I felt about all this and her encouraging words were: God has a plan for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE!

Sometimes it is hard to keep hoping for something that is uncertain even though Hebrews 11:1 says that "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

When Sonya had stopped chatting with me, I went to check my email and a principal had emailed me, asking me if I was intending to apply for a teaching position at his school and that he would be happy to receive my application within the next few days.  I emailed him back with my resume and references and on the following day, posted my application form, as well as those resume and references. 

Having researched the area and looked at real estate, I would really, really love to get a job there. I could even afford to buy a house in that area.  I've picked one out which has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a workshop and a carport as well as an above ground pool.  It is set on two acres.  Whenever I've thought about buying, I've always thought two acres would be ideal.  First, I would buy myself a puppy so I can train it and I'd prefer a border collie x golden retriever or something similar in temperament, then I would buy my horse.  Even though it is not close to the beach, it is close to the bush and I could go riding which would more than make up for not being able to walk along the beach.  If the weather wasn't good, I could just groom my horse.

I would love to have my own house.  I was talking to Mom Flowers about it and she said it would be a lot of work.  When Dave and I were first married, he was gone for five to ten days of truck driving, so I learned how to check fences and repair them if necessary, I mowed acres and acres of yard (slight exaggeration) and looked after the horses, the dog and my darling step daughter. I know I can do this and I also know it is what I want.  It would be a dream come true if I was to get the job as well as the house and land.  It is in a warmer climate, so my egg chair would be perfect in the back yard too.

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend Donna and I shared my news with her.  We went to the beach and looked into the stores along the main street.  Being in a renowned surf and fishing area, there were lots of beach type products for sale, such as surfboards, fishing equipment and outdoor furniture. 

I bought a mirror. The mirror is symbolic of the hope and dreams I have and will go in the bathroom of the house that I buy.  I also  bought a wooden lighthouse which will find a place in my home to represent my love for the beach.  If you are so inclined, please pray that I will know very soon what I will be doing next year and that in the meantime, I will be patient and not get discouraged.

P.S. The mirror is about one metre high and about 75 cm wide.  I didn't measure it so that's my 'guess-timate'.

A Spring Day

I'm sitting outside on a beautiful , warm, Spring day, my laptop resting on my knees, birds twittering and flies buzzing past.  Of course, I am sitting in my very comfortable 'egg' chair and a sparrow just flew past, its wings almost touching the chair.  The sky is blue with a hint of white clouds scattered above and looking up, I can see the trees reaching higher than the powerlines.  Given time, I think I could fall asleep right here if I didn't have so much on my mind.

Last Friday night,  another teacher and I slept overnight in tents, with the grade 4 students as part of their 'farm' curriculum.  We played games, had a BBQ and watched "Babe" after eating too many lollies and chips.  By midnight, we were able to retire to our own tents and there was only a quiet murmur as children finally settled down for sleep.  I woke up at 3am, snug in my warm sleeping bag that was once Dave's and listened to students complain of being cold or wet.  It was a very cold 6 C, (about 42F) and I didn't want to get out of my tent, so I quietly growled at them.  It did little good.

I was surprised on Friday night when a student arrived as we were getting tents out and exclaimed, "So that's what a tent looks like!"  He had only ever seen one on TV.  Quite a few of the students had never even slept in a sleeping bag and on Saturday morning when we were packing up, I had to teach them how to roll or fold or stuff their sleeping bags up into the bag.  It was fun to share that time with our students, outside of the classroom, no emphasis on academics, just being able to talk to them and not have the same rules.

It has been a challenging year for my school class but each individual in my class is so special to me.  They are all so unique, with different home lives, different challenges in their lives and such diverse personalities.  My class is full of character and I will miss them.  If they have learned one thing, I hope they have learned that no matter what they go through, God's love is always there and He will never turn away from them.  Reading, writing, math will all pass away one day and all they will have left, is Him.

When I got home about 10am on Saturday, I did a few things and then decided to take a nap and see if I could catch up on my sleep.  One thing I have learned about getting older, it takes longer to recover from not enough sleep than it used to. That night, after doing nothing much all day, I got out Season 4 of Burn Notice. That is one TV show I really miss since being back here and I recently bought season 4 and 5 on sale so it was good to be able to watch it.  It brought back memories of sitting with Dave on our seat, watching TV and I still miss him.  I've been a widow longer than I was married to him for and the last 14 months have been full of a lot of stuff. 

Sometimes it feels that a whole lifetime has been packed into a short time and there are times I still feel sorry for myself and wish life was different.  But it is, what it is.  I am tired of taking one day at a time.  I want to start living again and I am ready for life but the uncertainty of next year is still there.  I wish I knew something for sure for next year so I could at least start planning towards that end.  In the meantime, I keep looking and applying for jobs.

At lunchtime I was bemoaning the fact that I feel so much older than I used to be and my housemate put her arm around me and said, "But I still love you!" and I told her she didn't know me when I was younger and had had much more energy and she said, "Well I love you anyway!" which was really sweet.  Having her stay here has been good although sometimes I miss not having my home to myself.  On the other hand, even though we work together, we don't really see all that much of each other as she has her life too.

It's hard to feel sorry for myself in weather like this.  I do have enough energy for the life that I live, and then some. lol  I still really wish I had a horse and could go riding, especially on days like this.  Today I was thinking about how, sometimes in my grief, I try to take on Dave's life and forget to be me.  I have to try and figure out what things I like and enjoy but on the other hand, who I am today has been influenced by Dave and I am thankful for him and the brief time we were able to share together.  Horse riding is something I have always enjoyed and is one of those things that we shared together.

Anyway, before I waffle on anymore, let me just remind you to life each day to the fullest.  Don't let the past or the petty things, steal the beauty of today from you. Be thankful for the friends and family you have, give them a hug and tell them you love them!

Helpless Female, I Am Not

On Saturday afternoon, I excitedly headed for Bunnings (similar to Lowes USA) under the guise of buying a plunger so I could unblock the kitchen sink.  I strolled up and down the aisles, looking at garden tools, drills and whipper snippers (weed eaters).  I looked at the wheelbarrows and even garden outdoor settings, including BBQs and an egg chair that was similar to mine but cost much more than mine did.  I walked out of the store with the plunger, a garden fork (with an ergonomic grip), weed killer, BBQ cleaner and gardening gloves.  I came home and unblocked the sink and did a little victory dance!

The next day I went to the show and got to watch bull riders with one of my friends, Vernessa.  At the show, we could get a lot closer to the bull rings than at the rodeos in the US and it all seemed a bit too close at times when you can see the whites of the bull's eyes and watch them paw the ground before charging at one of the 'rodeo angels'. We listened to an Aussie bush band play, bought a show bag, sampled licorice and took a ride on the roller coaster.  It was a good time.

Today, I was talking with my colleague about putting up tents as we are having a sleep over with our classes and she commented that we would need to put them up ourselves.  I acted horrified and asked why we had to do it.  I asked, "Don't you just bat your eyelids at your husband and get him to do it for you?"  She replied, "I like to be able to do things for myself sometimes and not play the helpless female."  I said I have no option but to do things by myself and it gets a bit 'old' at times.  I want to be able to play the helpless female.  (The conversation wasn't exactly like that but I'm sure you get the gist of it.)  I recalled a time two years ago when my step daughter and I had gone camping and we weren't sure how to put up the shade.  We sat there at the table in the sunshine with the shade beside us, until two guys camping nearby came and finished putting it up for us. (The photo was taken at the camping spot with Dianne.)

I came home from work and got online to pay the bills and check emails and fill out the voting form for the local elections.  I feel a sense of achievement when I do mundane things like paying bills and unclogging sinks but I also feel a sense of loss. 

The weather is warmer this week.  I love summer and being able to be outdoors doing things like walking along the beach and riding my bike.  On the other hand, it also reminds me that the end of the year is drawing near and with that, the uncertainty of what and where I will be next year is also nearer.  One of the conversations in the staffroom today was centered around a young couple who have made plans and others responded that plans are never set in concrete and life can sometimes mess those plans up. I thought about the plans Dave and I had made and now plans feel like wheat that is held loosely in the hand.  The wind comes and blows the wheat into the wind and it is no more.  

Plans can be made but sometimes plans need to be remade when life changes.  Just remember to enjoy each day and love the people who are in your life now.  Don't keep a record of their wrongs, instead give them a hug and move forward with them while you still can.  Whether he squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube or the middle, whether she can bake the best chocolate cake or not, in the end, is nothing compared to the love you can share and enjoy for as many moments as you have life.

Hey Me!

Dave used to, half jokingly and half seriously, tell me I was a 'romantic' and what he meant by that was I had "happily ever after" dreams.  I like happy endings.  Even though from the beginning until the end, the journey is fraught with mishaps, uncertainty, dragons, and dark woods, there is still the happy ending.  My favourite movies are full of music, turning around bad for good, drama, a touch of romance and in the end, there is the kiss that produces fireworks, understanding and the realisation that their love will endure no matter what obstacles life throws at them.

Years ago, I gave up dreaming and anticipating good things happening in my life.  Although there were glimpses of happiness, good times shared and moments of fun and excitement, I got to a point that I would just let life happen.  My attitude began to change and took a turn for the better especially after Dave and I got together.  Our marriage was by no means a happily ever after, feel good, romantic life but as I rubbed his back a few hours before he passed away, I knew that he had found his place with me, was enjoying my love and that we would be able to get through whatever life threw at us, together....  Except, we didn't get a together ever after, I have had to do it on my own.

I have been back in Australia for one year and four days and I want to move forward with my life.  I have one big problem in that, I don't have a "life" to get on with.

As I was coming over to Australia, the passenger next to me suggested I make goals for what I wanted to achieve, or have happen, in the next twelve months.  My main goal has been to get back on my feet, rebuild what I could of what I had lost, re-establish who I am and start dreaming and making plans to fulfill those dreams.

I feel like a horse chafing at the bit wanting to get on with my life or like a horse being held back in the corral.  I watch others doing what they want to do, being surrounded with their loved ones, being able to share their dreams and move forward with the assurance that even if their plans don't succeed, they will still have a home, still have someone who is a vital part of their life (be it child or spouse) and/or still have a place they belong, where they can give and receive and find shelter from the storms of life.

I have had three job interviews and for all of them, I was extremely close to being offered an on-going, full-time position.  One person said if they had have had an extra position to offer, it would have been mine and another person urged me to apply again if they have any more positions come up.  They were all impressed with my experience and who I am.  One said they admired my voracity and love for life, even knowing it hasn't been easy for me.

As I travelled on a bus with my students to and from an excursion today, I thought about what I want in life and the likelihood of it happening... not any time soon.

I want a horse but can't get one until I know where I will be living.
I want a job but keep missing out.
I would like to live on some land but can I do that on my own?
I wouldn't mind making new friends and perhaps begin dating some great Christian guy but I can't do that until I know where I am living.

What will I do if I don't get a job? Is there a different job I could do and if so, what would that be? I could possibly travel but would I want to do that on my own and if so, where would I go? Plus, I would like to keep my savings so that I can use it to buy a horse, maybe buy a car that can transport my horse, buy a sadddle or even buy my own home one day.

Do dreams come true?  I can't say that I have experienced a dream coming true forever.  I am skeptical that any of my dreams can happen and yet I feel that my dreams aren't unreasonable.  I look at friends and family living their lives and sometimes I feel envious because I have nothing and no one to move forward with.  Some of them tell me that it isn't so bad for me or that it isn't as good as I think it is, but I have tasted some of those dreams and it was good!  It was so good that I do know what I am missing out on.  Some try to tell me that I need to be patient or have more faith, but a positive attitude doesn't pay the bills.

Having said that, I will keep moving forward with my plans because even though I am a realist and at times cynical about dreams coming true, hope drives me to pursue the life that I want to have.  As I thought and prayed about this today, I wondered, "Why did God give me a taste of those dreams and then allow them to be cut short?  Did God give me this desire to live on the land and the enjoyment of the outdoors?  And if He did give me that desire, then why doesn't He give me the wisdom to know what decisions and choices I should make in order to be where He wants me to be?  Why did He give me such a heartful of love, talents and abilities that suit who I am, if I am only to mark time in this life?"

I get so much enjoyment in this life! I love walking along the beach and in the bush and mountains.  I love swimming in rivers, lakes or pools, playing squash and riding my bike.  I like sitting in my hanging basket reading or playing a computer game while drinking my diet coke.  I like trying new things, having fun, doing something different.  I love being with friends and family.  I love pretending that I am adventurous enough to try hang-gliding or parachuting!

I love my grade.  I look at how far they have come this year and even though they can still be challenging, each child has so much personality and I am reminded of why I am so passionate about teaching.  I love my job.

So wrap all this up into the person called, "Carolanne" and that is me.  Please God, help me to have a life that is worth living, life in all its fulness and a life that I enjoy and that blesses others.  I want to be who You created me to be, with all my interests, abilities and talents. I just want to get on with life.

Looking... Again

This life is certainly a  journey for me, or more accurately, a rollercoaster.  I've filled out applications for jobs for next year as the job I am currently employed in finishes on December 14th, 2012.  I am really struggling with this and even motivation.  I know I have to do this because a job isn't going to fall into my lap but it feels like I am where I was at a year ago. Next week I have three job interviews and those are from the top of my preferences. 

I know, and loved ones have reminded me, I am further ahead than I was this time a year ago. I miss Dave very much and miss the life and dreams we could have shared together.  Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss him.  On the other hand, I know I am stronger, have grown in confidence and I'm somewhat more content with who I am as a person.  I am at a point in my life that I want to move ahead and get on with living but once again, I am in the position of not having anything secure for the coming year. Wherever my job ends up being, I will need to move again which will mean I will need to make new friends, learn a new 'area' and find a new church home, among other things.  In other words, start from scratch all over again.

I wasn't made to be a nomad.  I would like to belong somewhere, put down roots, have  routine, some predictability and not have so much 'adventure' in my life.  A friend told me recently I should write my life story and sell it as fiction because no one would believe it.  On the other hand, if I don't get a job, perhaps I should backpack around Europe or England or Egypt.  I am thankful that I make friends easily, keep good friends forever and that technology allows me to stay in touch with loved ones regularly.

Recently a friend suggested that I needed to make plans and I replied I can't.  One, to make plans I need to have a job and know where I can settle and two, my heart doesn't know what I want.  There is nothing definite in my life right now so all I have is today. 

I reread my last blog post and these words struck a chord:

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts. I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt. Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken? I'm not sure it is worth it.

Like I said at the start, my life is a rollercoaster.  When I write a blog post, you need to keep in mind it was how I was feeling at that moment and that by the time you read it, it's quite probable I have moved on and am enjoying an unexpected blessing, watching a wave roll in, listening to rain fall on the roof or walking through the Aussie bush listening to a kookaburra laugh.

One of my young colleagues has moved in with me until either of us know where we will be next year.  It will be good to have her company and not come home to an empty house for the next few months. Tonight we are watching "My Fair Lady" which is a musical that always makes me feel good and next Tuesday we are having a Tupperware party which should be fun too.  By then, I will have had two job interviews and hopefully, might be feeling quite positive about how they went and even if not, I will still have a good time with friends.

I was asked recently if I am looking forward to the interviews.  I am looking foward to knowing what, where and when I will be able to make plans for next year.  I do want to get on with my life and I do have some hopes and dreams.  I want to make things happen and I am thankful that everything works for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose.  I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me far more than I can even comprehend and He has plans that are good for my future and I can put my hope in that certainty, despite the rollercoaster of life and emotions.

On my way home from a great day out at the show yesterday, I thought, "Wouldn't it be loverly if I could live on a farm somewhere, milk a cow, shear a sheep.  Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" (Mixing my words with My Fair Lady) Can't you just imagine it?

Springtime Brings Hope

I went to bed last night and begrudgingly opened my devotions book and my eye caught the title of the day before's reading, which I hadn't done. I skimmed over today's and then read the one I really wanted to read.  This is what I read.

"Face the Truth and Find Freedom".

 If you want to continually live in new levels of victory, you must remain open and receptive to the truth about yourself. This is not just a superficial acknowledgement of wrong thinking and behaviour - it is an open and honest recognition of our sin before God that brings an attitude of repentance, which is a willingness to go in the right direction.
It can be painful, but facing the truth about your mindsets, motives and methods of doing things enables you to move beyond your despair and experience a wonderful fellowship with God.
The truth about yourself often brings great hurt, but the truth of God's Word brings great healing. As you continue in His Word, the truth will set you free."

I turned off the light, my heart burning and open to what I needed to hear.  I was not surprised by the truth because I had whispered it already but had tried to block it out in my desire to have what I wanted and to have security in this world.  What I wanted wasn't bad but my motives and means to go about it weren't as pure as I pretended.  The way I handled myself even in the 'break up' with a wonderful guy wasn't godly and I sought approval and justification from my friends. 

As I pondered on it, I realised that I had been putting my trust and security in a man rather than God.  I wanted security and sought it in something and/or someone other than Him.  I wanted to move forward and was willing to do what I could instead of trusting God to bring about what I needed in His time.  I had prayed about those things before but somewhere along the line started to put God aside and do it on my own.  As soon as I admitted it to myself, I asked for forgiveness and once again, knew the "peace that passes understanding."  It hurts and there's still a part of me that wants that relationship again but if that happens, it's going to be on a godly foundation. I will also pray for him as he faces challenges in his life and pray that he learns to trust in God at this difficult time, too.

I feel like I am back to being 'me' again and moving forward in the right direction.  At staff devotions this morning, one of the guys shared a song by Kutless called, "I Do Not Belong" and I smiled because this is especially pertinent to how I've been feeling for a long time.  
 

I look around and I feel like, things changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear.

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong 
 

By the end of today, with Spring in the air and the promise of hope, I decided I needed to celebrate and have friends and family over for a 'party' on Friday night.  It's short notice and when someone asked me what the party is for, I said, "Spring".  Spring has always been my favourite season and that's partly because my birthday is in Spring (October) but also because I love the hope that goes with it: The hope of new life, the hope of warmer weather and the hope of better days.  I looked for a picture to go with my invite and then took my phone outside, edited the photo and this is what I came up with: