A Spring Day

I'm sitting outside on a beautiful , warm, Spring day, my laptop resting on my knees, birds twittering and flies buzzing past.  Of course, I am sitting in my very comfortable 'egg' chair and a sparrow just flew past, its wings almost touching the chair.  The sky is blue with a hint of white clouds scattered above and looking up, I can see the trees reaching higher than the powerlines.  Given time, I think I could fall asleep right here if I didn't have so much on my mind.

Last Friday night,  another teacher and I slept overnight in tents, with the grade 4 students as part of their 'farm' curriculum.  We played games, had a BBQ and watched "Babe" after eating too many lollies and chips.  By midnight, we were able to retire to our own tents and there was only a quiet murmur as children finally settled down for sleep.  I woke up at 3am, snug in my warm sleeping bag that was once Dave's and listened to students complain of being cold or wet.  It was a very cold 6 C, (about 42F) and I didn't want to get out of my tent, so I quietly growled at them.  It did little good.

I was surprised on Friday night when a student arrived as we were getting tents out and exclaimed, "So that's what a tent looks like!"  He had only ever seen one on TV.  Quite a few of the students had never even slept in a sleeping bag and on Saturday morning when we were packing up, I had to teach them how to roll or fold or stuff their sleeping bags up into the bag.  It was fun to share that time with our students, outside of the classroom, no emphasis on academics, just being able to talk to them and not have the same rules.

It has been a challenging year for my school class but each individual in my class is so special to me.  They are all so unique, with different home lives, different challenges in their lives and such diverse personalities.  My class is full of character and I will miss them.  If they have learned one thing, I hope they have learned that no matter what they go through, God's love is always there and He will never turn away from them.  Reading, writing, math will all pass away one day and all they will have left, is Him.

When I got home about 10am on Saturday, I did a few things and then decided to take a nap and see if I could catch up on my sleep.  One thing I have learned about getting older, it takes longer to recover from not enough sleep than it used to. That night, after doing nothing much all day, I got out Season 4 of Burn Notice. That is one TV show I really miss since being back here and I recently bought season 4 and 5 on sale so it was good to be able to watch it.  It brought back memories of sitting with Dave on our seat, watching TV and I still miss him.  I've been a widow longer than I was married to him for and the last 14 months have been full of a lot of stuff. 

Sometimes it feels that a whole lifetime has been packed into a short time and there are times I still feel sorry for myself and wish life was different.  But it is, what it is.  I am tired of taking one day at a time.  I want to start living again and I am ready for life but the uncertainty of next year is still there.  I wish I knew something for sure for next year so I could at least start planning towards that end.  In the meantime, I keep looking and applying for jobs.

At lunchtime I was bemoaning the fact that I feel so much older than I used to be and my housemate put her arm around me and said, "But I still love you!" and I told her she didn't know me when I was younger and had had much more energy and she said, "Well I love you anyway!" which was really sweet.  Having her stay here has been good although sometimes I miss not having my home to myself.  On the other hand, even though we work together, we don't really see all that much of each other as she has her life too.

It's hard to feel sorry for myself in weather like this.  I do have enough energy for the life that I live, and then some. lol  I still really wish I had a horse and could go riding, especially on days like this.  Today I was thinking about how, sometimes in my grief, I try to take on Dave's life and forget to be me.  I have to try and figure out what things I like and enjoy but on the other hand, who I am today has been influenced by Dave and I am thankful for him and the brief time we were able to share together.  Horse riding is something I have always enjoyed and is one of those things that we shared together.

Anyway, before I waffle on anymore, let me just remind you to life each day to the fullest.  Don't let the past or the petty things, steal the beauty of today from you. Be thankful for the friends and family you have, give them a hug and tell them you love them!