Hey Me!

Dave used to, half jokingly and half seriously, tell me I was a 'romantic' and what he meant by that was I had "happily ever after" dreams.  I like happy endings.  Even though from the beginning until the end, the journey is fraught with mishaps, uncertainty, dragons, and dark woods, there is still the happy ending.  My favourite movies are full of music, turning around bad for good, drama, a touch of romance and in the end, there is the kiss that produces fireworks, understanding and the realisation that their love will endure no matter what obstacles life throws at them.

Years ago, I gave up dreaming and anticipating good things happening in my life.  Although there were glimpses of happiness, good times shared and moments of fun and excitement, I got to a point that I would just let life happen.  My attitude began to change and took a turn for the better especially after Dave and I got together.  Our marriage was by no means a happily ever after, feel good, romantic life but as I rubbed his back a few hours before he passed away, I knew that he had found his place with me, was enjoying my love and that we would be able to get through whatever life threw at us, together....  Except, we didn't get a together ever after, I have had to do it on my own.

I have been back in Australia for one year and four days and I want to move forward with my life.  I have one big problem in that, I don't have a "life" to get on with.

As I was coming over to Australia, the passenger next to me suggested I make goals for what I wanted to achieve, or have happen, in the next twelve months.  My main goal has been to get back on my feet, rebuild what I could of what I had lost, re-establish who I am and start dreaming and making plans to fulfill those dreams.

I feel like a horse chafing at the bit wanting to get on with my life or like a horse being held back in the corral.  I watch others doing what they want to do, being surrounded with their loved ones, being able to share their dreams and move forward with the assurance that even if their plans don't succeed, they will still have a home, still have someone who is a vital part of their life (be it child or spouse) and/or still have a place they belong, where they can give and receive and find shelter from the storms of life.

I have had three job interviews and for all of them, I was extremely close to being offered an on-going, full-time position.  One person said if they had have had an extra position to offer, it would have been mine and another person urged me to apply again if they have any more positions come up.  They were all impressed with my experience and who I am.  One said they admired my voracity and love for life, even knowing it hasn't been easy for me.

As I travelled on a bus with my students to and from an excursion today, I thought about what I want in life and the likelihood of it happening... not any time soon.

I want a horse but can't get one until I know where I will be living.
I want a job but keep missing out.
I would like to live on some land but can I do that on my own?
I wouldn't mind making new friends and perhaps begin dating some great Christian guy but I can't do that until I know where I am living.

What will I do if I don't get a job? Is there a different job I could do and if so, what would that be? I could possibly travel but would I want to do that on my own and if so, where would I go? Plus, I would like to keep my savings so that I can use it to buy a horse, maybe buy a car that can transport my horse, buy a sadddle or even buy my own home one day.

Do dreams come true?  I can't say that I have experienced a dream coming true forever.  I am skeptical that any of my dreams can happen and yet I feel that my dreams aren't unreasonable.  I look at friends and family living their lives and sometimes I feel envious because I have nothing and no one to move forward with.  Some of them tell me that it isn't so bad for me or that it isn't as good as I think it is, but I have tasted some of those dreams and it was good!  It was so good that I do know what I am missing out on.  Some try to tell me that I need to be patient or have more faith, but a positive attitude doesn't pay the bills.

Having said that, I will keep moving forward with my plans because even though I am a realist and at times cynical about dreams coming true, hope drives me to pursue the life that I want to have.  As I thought and prayed about this today, I wondered, "Why did God give me a taste of those dreams and then allow them to be cut short?  Did God give me this desire to live on the land and the enjoyment of the outdoors?  And if He did give me that desire, then why doesn't He give me the wisdom to know what decisions and choices I should make in order to be where He wants me to be?  Why did He give me such a heartful of love, talents and abilities that suit who I am, if I am only to mark time in this life?"

I get so much enjoyment in this life! I love walking along the beach and in the bush and mountains.  I love swimming in rivers, lakes or pools, playing squash and riding my bike.  I like sitting in my hanging basket reading or playing a computer game while drinking my diet coke.  I like trying new things, having fun, doing something different.  I love being with friends and family.  I love pretending that I am adventurous enough to try hang-gliding or parachuting!

I love my grade.  I look at how far they have come this year and even though they can still be challenging, each child has so much personality and I am reminded of why I am so passionate about teaching.  I love my job.

So wrap all this up into the person called, "Carolanne" and that is me.  Please God, help me to have a life that is worth living, life in all its fulness and a life that I enjoy and that blesses others.  I want to be who You created me to be, with all my interests, abilities and talents. I just want to get on with life.