I know, and loved ones have reminded me, I am further ahead than I was this time a year ago. I miss Dave very much and miss the life and dreams we could have shared together. Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss him. On the other hand, I know I am stronger, have grown in confidence and I'm somewhat more content with who I am as a person. I am at a point in my life that I want to move ahead and get on with living but once again, I am in the position of not having anything secure for the coming year. Wherever my job ends up being, I will need to move again which will mean I will need to make new friends, learn a new 'area' and find a new church home, among other things. In other words, start from scratch all over again.
I wasn't made to be a nomad. I would like to belong somewhere, put down roots, have routine, some predictability and not have so much 'adventure' in my life. A friend told me recently I should write my life story and sell it as fiction because no one would believe it. On the other hand, if I don't get a job, perhaps I should backpack around Europe or England or Egypt. I am thankful that I make friends easily, keep good friends forever and that technology allows me to stay in touch with loved ones regularly.
Recently a friend suggested that I needed to make plans and I replied I can't. One, to make plans I need to have a job and know where I can settle and two, my heart doesn't know what I want. There is nothing definite in my life right now so all I have is today.
I reread my last blog post and these words struck a chord:
To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts. I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt. Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken? I'm not sure it is worth it.
Like I said at the start, my life is a rollercoaster. When I write a blog post, you need to keep in mind it was how I was feeling at that moment and that by the time you read it, it's quite probable I have moved on and am enjoying an unexpected blessing, watching a wave roll in, listening to rain fall on the roof or walking through the Aussie bush listening to a kookaburra laugh.
One of my young colleagues has moved in with me until either of us know where we will be next year. It will be good to have her company and not come home to an empty house for the next few months. Tonight we are watching "My Fair Lady" which is a musical that always makes me feel good and next Tuesday we are having a Tupperware party which should be fun too. By then, I will have had two job interviews and hopefully, might be feeling quite positive about how they went and even if not, I will still have a good time with friends.
I was asked recently if I am looking forward to the interviews. I am looking foward to knowing what, where and when I will be able to make plans for next year. I do want to get on with my life and I do have some hopes and dreams. I want to make things happen and I am thankful that everything works for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose. I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me far more than I can even comprehend and He has plans that are good for my future and I can put my hope in that certainty, despite the rollercoaster of life and emotions.
On my way home from a great day out at the show yesterday, I thought, "Wouldn't it be loverly if I could live on a farm somewhere, milk a cow, shear a sheep. Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" (Mixing my words with My Fair Lady) Can't you just imagine it?
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