The Rollercoaster of Life and Lift!

This week I've been thinking about the roller coaster I've been on and heard the song with the lyrics, "Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it" and although I love the thrill of rollercoasters at an amusement park, the rollercoaster of life is wearing me down and I'm tired of hurting.  In some ways I feel like I'm back to square one in all areas of my life without any certainty and still trying to figure out things on my own.  Things I thought were good have been taken from me and I keep asking "Why????"  Why can't I have something I want? Since I can't have Dave and my life in the States, why can't I just have something good here without feeling like I am swimming against the current and barely keeping my head above the water."

I went to church this morning and the words of songs reminded me,

"God you are giving
God you are healing.
God You are my hope
You are my everything". 

I sang those words over and over again, and in my head once the music had stopped.  God is healing me.  God is my hope.  God is my everything.  And there was another song that said, "I trust you Lord in everything" and I asked myself if that was really true. Do I trust Him in everything??

I listened to the sermon and the message was that it's about a personal encounter with Christ and "a long obedience in the same direction".  Never give up, stay focussed on God and aim for consistency. Keep turning up where God is.  Then the clincher, "We're not meant do it on our own" and my cynical reply was, "Then why am I expected to do it on my own?" I know there are people in my life who walk beside me but in the end, when night falls, they go home to their loved ones and I am left on my own, they get hugged every day by their family, they have someone to vent with and someone they trust and I eat alone and go to work, come home alone and go through it again.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week.  It started out with a misunderstanding/ miscommunication with a very close friend which is still not resolved and I still don't understand why it even happened, my horse has gone and I received a beautiful quilt from a friend overseas which is made with the clothes and jeans that Dave wore.  I try so hard but as I said to my friend Donna today, "I feel like I am back to square one.  I still don't have job security.  I still don't have my own home, I still don't have a partner and, depending on where I get a job, I could be starting all over again from scratch in a few months time.

As I drove from church to the beach, a song played on the radio called, "Lift" and I sure could relate to the lyrics:

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

But on the plus side today, I walked over a bridge to get to the beach on the other side and as I walked over it, I thought of how I used to have a phobia of bridges, until Dave 'walked' me over the swing bridge at Montana.  Obviously this bridge was much more secure and I was brave enough to walk close to the edge and even look down into the water!  The beach was real pretty on the other side so I'm glad I walked over the bridge.

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts.  I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt.  Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken?  I'm not sure it is worth it.