Keep On Dreaming

Sometimes life is not easy and sometimes it hurts. If you are a regular reader of my blog posts, you know it's been a challenging year for me in so many ways but I hope that I have made it clear that God has walked alongside me every step of the way and not once have I felt alienated from Him, not once have I doubted his unfathomable love for me or wondered whether or not He would provide me with what I needed. Constantly, I have been aware of His blessings and there have been glimpses of sunshine no matter how bleak the day.

Lately it seems that I have been skipping through life and trying to move on, almost to the point that I pretended that the last sixteen months hadn't happened and that I hadn't been a widow for longer than I was married to my beloved Dave and so I wore a smile and chose to ignore the hurt, the love and the loss that was mine because of Dave. Last week, as changes began to close in around me, as sleep eluded me and Christmas highlighted my loss, I began wishing I could crawl into my bed and wait for time to pass, until the time when healing and normality had returned to my life.  The students finished school on Thursday and on Friday morning, I mentioned something in passing to Bonnie and she was quick to perceive that maybe my smiling facade of strength wasn't holding up so well.

I went to my classroom and sat at my desk trying to fight back the tears when a colleague came in and asked about dictionaries. I kept my eyes averted from his face and pointed out where they were and I kept the tremor from my voice when I said we needed new ones in the classroom. As he left, Bonnie came in. She understood and she cared. She reassured me that it was normal and natural to feel like this. Over the weekend, when I had time to myself, I measured my losses and counted my blessings and faced the facts. It hasn't been easy but as the song says:

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One

Even if the healing doesn't come.

I expect healing to come and I know God provides all that I need. The first verse of that song says:

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
 

I trust in God and who He is, with everything I am.

The good thing is that I think I am more patient waiting to hear about a job than my friends  and family are. They want me to be settled and be able to move forward, nearly as much as I do. I know I have a lot to give and I am looking forward to giving and putting my heart into the next chapter of my life. I am thankful for the year I've had. I have made some new good friends, taught in a challenging class and loved each one of my students. I've made lots of good memories and I have grown through it all.

There is another song I have on my iPad called, "Even if it breaks your heart" and the lyrics are:

Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

I have realised that I can choose to either dwell on my pain and loss or I can keep on dreaming and be positive. It might break my heart. I had dreams with Dave which are now unfulfilled dreams, that will never happen. There is a time to cry, a time to grieve and a time to acknowledge that it hurts and I don't have to pretend otherwise. At the same time, I want to keep reaching foward, keep on dreaming and hold onto the hope that some of my dreams will get better and will be fulfilled. But even if they don't, God is good, faithful and forever. He knows me so well that He knows who, what, when and where, is best for me.