Too Much

I  am going to start this blog post by apologising to anyone who might have been personally offended by what I wrote in my last blog post. It was not an attack on you, it was an honest sharing of how I have felt in the midst of my grief at this Christmas time. In fact, if I ever refer to people in a general  way and/or comment on their negative actions, it is not people who read my blog or of any of my close friends or family. I am so aware that you love me and are praying for me and very appreciative of your support. I deleted that post which is probably why those who get the blog emailed, got an 'extra' one from last June. I don't know why it sends out an old post when I delete a recent one, I just know that it does.

Last night I sat down to watch a movie with my friend Danni and we ate some of the chocolate stash I have on the kitchen counter. There is still too much so I will take some to my side of the family's Christmas party. Coming from a large family (I am one of 6 kids) means that it should make a sizeable dent into how much gets eaten. The other day, I gave a box of chocolates to another friend who had invited me for lunch and she gave me one for a Christmas present. It seems that the more I give, the more is given back to me.

The movie Danni and I watched was one that Dave and I had enjoyed together. It's an action movie called, "Taken". It seems that as the time draws closer to Christmas, I am constantly remembering times that Dave and I shared. Someone will make an off-hand remark and I'll be reminded of something Dave said or the way he would look or words that he would say. I still miss him so much and now that next year is so uncertain as I don't know what I will be doing, I have more time to reminisce.

The Christmas tree is up and presents are under it, including presents that my sweet step-daughter sent over to me for Nathan, his girlfriend and me. She sent some BBQ flavored pork skins which is one of her favourite treats and not something one can buy here. I have almost finished preparing the house for Christmas. I want to put on the Christmas table cloth that I bought for our table at home a couple years ago. As Danni sat on a couch, I picked up items that were scattered around the living room and explained to her what the memory was associated with each item. I showed her one of Dave's favourite mugs that I had bought him that said, "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

Today I feel a little empty. I am trying to get excited about Christmas and all the hype and good family times that go with it, but I am also just going through the motions of what it would look like if I was excited. There's a part of me that hopes the feelings that I should be having will come but another part of me that knows life will never be the same again. I know that I have much to be thankful for and I know that God has given me family and friends who love me and are praying for me. But it still hurts so much! I just want Dave to come and hold me the way he used to. He would hold me so tight while he slept through the night and sometimes I would lie awake just enjoying being held by him.

I know the meaning of Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus. I know that He is faithful and walking beside me. I also know that He is holding me and that He understands my heart, loves me unconditionally and wants what's best for me. Everyone talks about 'the new normal' as though it is neatly packaged and comes to those who wait patiently. It is still hard for me to know what the new normal is, what my life will be like and in fact, when I can get on with my life and have a job and a home, a place to put down roots. I don't like being in this uncertain, holding place. I don't like not knowing what I will be doing next year and I sure don't like hurting this much. I plod through each moment, going through the motions, hoping that there will be some purpose for me, soon. (Yesterday would have been nice!)

Do not be offended by the words I use to describe my pain. It is nothing personal. I know the words you speak are meant to be reassuring and are said with love and kindness but right now it is not words I need, just love, understanding and perhaps a hug.

I do hope you have an enjoyable Christmas and that 2013 brings you the richest of God's blessings: His unconditional love and grace, His peace that passes all understanding and His joy and hope for whatever you encounter in the new year.

Thank you for your love, support and prayers for me. I value you.