Imagine

On the way to work this morning, I was listening to the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe and I started thinking about Dave in Heaven.  I was thinking about him being free of this world, rid of his old, abused and weary body, walking around, laughing, smiling and knowing what it is to be loved unconditionally and completely, being able to 'live' without any pain, hurt, rejection and regrets.  It hurt me that he isn't here but then I thought how wonderful it is for him now. 

Today I had the privilege again of working at the Christian school, eating lunch with other staff members and sharing stories, laughs and memories.  When I was watching kids in the playground, a 5th grader asked me how it was all going and I told him fine and asked him the same.  He replied, "Not too bad.  It could be worse." The fifth grade teacher standing next to me, put her arm around me and said, "Mrs Flowers certainly knows that!" 

Because everything is starting to close in, sympathy, hugs and concerned tones of voices can cause me to weep.  Yesterday morning, Darwin told me to read a devotional reading that said, "Crying is the cure for weeping" and while that is true, weeping is so much more discreet when out in public.  I used to enjoy driving because it gave me time to think and process things.  Now when I drive, I have to keep trying to change my thinking and think of:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs...

As I drove home, I was thinking about how it seems like forever since Dave was alive, here with me.  Everything I feel, do and say is laborious at times, going through the motions and I've lost such a big part of me.  I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I enjoy, who I was before I come to the States, what it is that makes up 'me' including music and pretty things but also including the things that have enriched my life since being here; my horses, my friends and family here, my work at the Christian school.  It is so difficult to convey what I feel and don't feel.  

I tried going shopping for a birthday/Christmas present for Nathan and it's not that I don't want to get him something special, it's just that I find it really hard to shop right now.  I look at things that Dave and I looked at buying 'one day' for our home and things that could have made our home more homely.  Then I think about the fact that I don't have a home when I go back to Australia and that I don't even know what will fit, what I need, what I will want so I can't really buy anything anyway.  Besides, if I've only got 2 suitcases to live out of for the next 3 months, I have to be economical in what I do purchase especially after Monday when all my stuff gets shipped away.

I booked my tickets for leaving the States last night and I guess now it is starting to become 'final' as my time here slips by so quickly.  Saying 'goodbye' to people who are a part of my life is NOT easy.  Even tonight, when Alan, Tina and Nick were here, I was holding on to my horse Dee and Dave's horse, Stormy and just patting them, rubbing my face against their neck, 'kissing' Dee, talking to them, asking Stormy if she misses Dave, too.  I enjoyed playing with them but another one of those 'wish Dave was here' type thoughts. 

There is so much to think about and so much to do in the next few weeks and I wonder if I will remember what needs to be done.  Paperwork, knowing what to pack to ship over, what to keep out to pack in my suitcase. Tomorrow I will have to go through my closets, pack stuff into the armoire, dresser and night table.  I will have to make sure that I put my car on Craig's List to sell and hopefully it will sell very soon.  I think about all the Aussie words and expressions I'm going to have to revert back to using and I'll be able to stop pronouncing my 'r's and talk more Aussie again.  One thing I am looking forward to is roast lamb dinners, dim sims, sausage rolls and pasties at Connells and walking along the beach.  

So anyway, I was listening to the song I think reflects Dave and his life so well which is called, "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I listened and sung through most of the song when it was playing in my car and those words at the end spoke to my heart again.  

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise