Getting Things Done

Well today turned out to be a good day in that I got a lot of things done and even though I didn't get much sleep last night, I had enough energy to keep me going until a normal bedtime.  I did finish reading my book last night though. These are the things I achieved today:

1. Washed the dirty dishes and put them away when they were clean and dry.
2. Checked my US bank account and noticed a problem, so called them and talked to Virginia who misses me and was happy to hear from me and who, will of course, sort out my problem for me.  Called the US Insurance company who made the mistake.  I now understand why  Dave thought she 'embellishes' the truth and will say whatever she can to cover up her own mistake.  I talked to Dan and Rhonda about it so they can follow it up for the Estate concerns.
3. Returned my faulty modem to the store and got it set up again when I got home - although I still have to call about the wireless which was the problem last time.
4. Went to the bank and deposited some American bills I had.  It felt weird when I was handing over the money though - sorta like I was giving part of my life with Dave away.
5. Went to KMart to return the handmixer that doesn't work. There was a long line of people waiting to return or exchange products, after the Christmas rush and only one person serving those customers.  The lady serving said the handmixer looked like it had been dropped and looked accusingly at me.  I told her that I did not drop it and she refunded the money but you could tell she didn't believe me.  There were absolutely NO handmixers left for sale so I still have the refund voucher.
6. Went to Coles supermarket to buy some milk and diet coke.  Bought that and a packet of jam donuts.
7. Talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype which is always good.  Mom was wearing her new pjs and new, fluffy, comfortable, soft robe.  (I'm not sure she would have wanted me to share that - but oh well.)
8. Did the washing, hung it on the line and brought it back in when it was dry, folded it and put it away.
9. Played a few turns of "Words With Friends" on Facebook, against my good friend Sonya.  I think she's better than me, she thinks I'm better than her but we know we are an even match.  Nathan's logical reasoning on why we think the other is 'better' is because we're not used to losing so when we do lose, it comes as a surprise... or something like that.  Maybe Sonya could elaborate on that.
10. Talked to my friend Donna who is an absolute angel and very generous towards me.  I don't even know what I have done to be treated so kindly by her. 

I had a problem and mentioned it in passing to Donna that I needed to figure out a way to get some furniture from my sister's house and bring it back here to my home.  I was thinking of hiring a van and waiting until Nathan was available, even though I could not really afford the extra funds it would take.  Anyway, Donna said "Hold on.... Wait!!" and then figured out a way that she and her husband could help me out.  I am so thankful and that's one less stress for me.

She has also insisted that I go and stay at their place on New Years Eve because she doesn't want me being alone that night. She doesn't think it would be good/healthy for me.  She just keeps giving and looking for ways to show me practical support and kindness. Wow!

Then, on New Years Day, I get to spend some time with my friend Carolyn.  (A)

I am so thankful for the friends I have over here.  I honestly don't know how I would survive if I wasn't loved so much!  They are amazing!

To top the day off, I went for a ride on my bike.  I found out that this area isn't so flat after all and when I ride for about 5 minutes, there are some hills that are challenging to my gear changes.  I hope my son Nathan and his girlfriend will bring their bikes over so we can go riding together some time.  It's fun!  I really enjoy riding my bike, once I am on it however, the motivation to take the lock off, put my helmet on, take the bike out and ride doesn't always come with the intentions. But I rode my bike for about 40 minutes tonight and it was good. Maybe I will ride again tomorrow.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  It really helps to know that people are doing what they can to show love and kindness towards me at this difficult time. Thank you.

To Belong

As I struggle to deal with my grief and try to process my thoughts on it all, I have to wonder was it worth all this heartache, to leave my country and friends here, to go and love Dave so deeply and become part of his life, his family and friends there and then be uprooted and brought back here.  The few good memories we shared are not ones that I can sit around the campfire and share with others.  We didn’t have many times in others’ company.  After the funeral, down at the park, when everyone got together, they (his children, brothers, sisters, parents and friends)  all had a shared history together. They shared lots of memories; camping, boating, parties, but even though I am his wife, I did not belong there and could not share in those memories.  The majority of the sympathy cards were addressed to Dave’s children and it was as though Dave didn’t have a wife… and for many of the guests, they didn’t know he had remarried.

I was reading a book called, “Out Stealing Horses” and I remembered how much I enjoyed riding and looking after my horse, Dee and Dave’s horse, Stormy.  That will never happen again.  I may ride again but not at home.  Home.  I don’t even know where ‘home’ is anymore.  I don’t feel like I belong here and apart from some very loyal friends who have welcomed me back into their life, I am alone.  Every day when I get up, I have to figure out how to get through the day.  I can’t just call around to the neighbour next door and honestly, I don’t want to go visiting people nor do I want to impose on my friends while I feel so emotionally incapacitated.  I know this is all part of grieving but it really hurts to be so alone, to have no one who I can just turn to and get comfort from and to have no one here who has even met Dave.  While I’m here, it feels like the last two years of my life, didn’t happen.

People have commented that my faith is strong and yet it is all I have.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hold on to that, except that it is the only certain thing in my life right now.   I read this morning 2 Cor. 4:7-18

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.” (NIV v8)

“Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace.” (The Message v16)

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweigh them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (v17,18 NIV)

So, if you’re wondering how I’m doing, I’m not doing all that good but I know that one day I will get through this and maybe, I might even enjoy living again.

The Day After Christmas

If you don't feel like reading a whinging, hurt, grieving tirade, then leave this page now, otherwise read on:

There is nothing like losing a spouse.  I have lost everything.  When I wake up in the morning, I'm alone and throughout the day, I am still alone.  When I need to be comforted, my husband is not there and everyone else has their own families to get comfort from.  I am in a completely new place and my home is on the other side of the world.  You may have one thing in common with me, you may be able to relate to one of the facets of my grief, but you do not know it in all it's totality. 

Dave was my home.  He knew that and my plans were to be with him for many years to come.  He was teaching me how to run our home, our property, encouraging me to make this our home and we had plans for our home and our lives together.  Now, there is nothing left but a few memories.  I was recently reading the biography of a lady whose husband had cancer and she said that she pitied the person who lost their husband suddenly because they didn't have time to say goodbye.  I am not going to try and compare which is worse but the thing is, not only didn't we have time to say goodbye, we didn't have time to really establish ourselves and our home, we didn't have time to see any fruit for the plans, the dreams, the hopes that we had shared. 

I feel like when Dave was snatched from this earth, I was uprooted and plonked on the other side of the world.  Everyone got on with their lives in a similar way, same ol' routine, with their loved ones around them, but not me.  I had to go and start all over again, completely.  Last night, I was lying in bed thinking about how I've gotten through this one "milestone/ significant" day, now I still have to get through... Valentines Day, Dave's birthday, Easter, our first anniversary.....  It's like I plod along, preparing for the next difficult day, it happens, then I have to get ready for the next one and hope to survive that too.  Yes, I had a good Christmas day but the heartache was still with me and it seems to be worse, the day after.

So, this morning, I put on my cowboy boots to remind me of my home with Dave and went for a drive because I needed to buy a printer, an office chair and I also wanted to buy a school bag 'on wheels' for when I walk to work as of Febrary 2012.  I put the printer in my office but didn't connect it up and unpacked the box of parts for the plush, office chair.  After finding the instructions, I tried to assemble it and when I couldn't even attach a wheel, I 'lost it'.  I threw a part of it on the floor, ripped the bubble wrap, cried and went and laid down on my big bed and cried a whole lot more.

"It's not fair! I didn't ask for this!  I am tired of having to face new challenges every day, on my own, without Dave.  I am tired of grieving.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired of hurting.  I don't want to start all over again.  God, it's not fair! I want to go home to Dave.  I want to be safe with Dave.  I want us to have our life together.  You're asking too much of me, God!!!" (Perhaps I am still in stage 3.)

I came back to the living room and saw the parts all over the floor and cried some more.  I tried again but still couldn't do it.  It's still there as a reminder of what I can't do and the challenge of just living by myself and having to deal with things on my own.

I read recently a quote by C.S. Lewis: "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Oh, can I relate to that!  Exactly and Amen!  That's all I have to say for today.

Christmas Day 2011

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We're never far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face.
I'll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking with the King.


The above is the last part of a poem a friend posted on Facebook called, "I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year".

I know the feeling of being happy and yet sad, feeling loved by people here on this earth, yet missing Dave who is not here with me.  I feel like a part of me is missing, is aching for him but yet I keep trying to enjoy this Christmas as I spend it with my son Nathan and through technology, be with other loved ones.  I'm trying to convey to you, what it really feels like to do Christmas without Dave.  I smile but behind the smile is my thoughts of Dave.  I put on Christmas carols and as long as I keep talking with Nathan, as long as I don't stop and have time to think about Dave not being here, I am fine.  However, two minutes alone with my thoughts and I have to fight to hold back the tears.

Last Christmas, I gave Dave a remote controlled helicopter and he loved it!  The hat on Dianne's cowboy trinket got broken off and the helicopter itself crashed a couple of times but then he repaired it.  It wasn't supposed to be used in extreme temperatures and being below 50 degrees, and having snow, is 'extreme' according to the instructions.  We took it to Mom and Dad Flowers' home for New Years and he flew it there, too. 

So this Christmas is not the one I thought I would be having a few short months ago. There is a hole inside me that all the tinsel in the world, all the Christmas lights and presents can not fill.  I am thankful that Nathan spent time with me and that we had fun together.  Even though I don't have all his Christmas gifts yet, I gave him stuff that he finds useful and fun.  We even played a game of Krazy Bee Rummy and it was nice being able to cook him up delicious, Christmas food and to celebrate Christmas with him!

Well I guess I got through Christmas without eating too much plum pudding or chocolate ripple cake and without being a blubbering mess.  I am so thankful for those family and friends who made an extra special effort to be sensitive and loving with their words and actions on this Christmas day.  I  am thankful to those of you who expressed your love, knowing that this is not the Christmas I planned or wanted - You might have text messaged me, chatted to me on Skype or Facebook, sent me an email or a comment on Facebook.  Whatever way you used to encourage me, it was greatly appreciated.  Thank you.  I wish my Christmas could have been different but it was a good Christmas despite that.

I hope that you were able to have a Christmas filled with joy and wonder! 

Ambulances Make Me Cry

This morning was another lovely summer's day so, as I needed to buy vanilla essence for the chocolate ripple cake I want to make, I decided to walk to the store again.  As I approached the intersection, an ambulance with flashing lights drove into my view.  I tried to avert my eyes but I kept watching it, hearing the siren as it went through a railway crossing and I watched it until I could no longer see it.  My eyes welled up with tears as I thought back to Dave going off in the ambulance, me following it in the car behind and when we arrived at the hospital, the doors of the ambulance were open.  I cried quietly and then wiped them with the back of my hand and proceeded to go buy vanilla essence, a cake server, chips, a plate to put the chocolate ripple cake on, milk and fresh bread.

Last night I was reading about the seven stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial.
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger  and Bargaining
4. "Depression", reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

How long it takes anyone to go through those stages depends on a person and circumstances and probably other factors but there is no set time period and it's not like anyone can say, "Well, you should be over it by now".  For myself, I would love to be 'over it' but I can't deny the pain of losing someone I loved so very much.  I have also been counselled that I have to go through all these stages because it's the natural process to healing.

I think I am wavering between the third and fourth stage.  I can relate to what this person said about the fourth stage.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I know that no one really expects me to be over my grief already but maybe I put the pressure on myself to be 'over it' and when I face reality, I know that I am still hurting badly.  As I said to my sister-in-law Rhonda, whether I want to or  not, I have to go on with life.  Life doesn't stop for me and God obviously has a purpose for me to be alive or He would have taken me home, too.  Sometimes I wish He had but at the same time, I do enjoy life and I know that I will get through this and enjoy life again, and maybe even more, because of the richness that being with Dave added to me and who I am.

The thing is, that I am a people person so if I isolate myself on purpose, that is not a healthy thing for me.  At the same time, because I love socialising, I don't isolate myself for very long.  At this time in my life, I find it difficult to initiate visiting with others and I don't have the desire and motivation to go and visit others.  It's not that I don't care or don't want your company, it's more that I just want to be 'safe' inside my hidey hole, which for now, is my home.  I know that people think I am strong and I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't want to be strong.  When it all comes down to it, the reason my faith is strong, is because all I have, all that is secure, all that is stable in my life, is Him. (God)  I could not do this on my own nor would I want to.  He is my Rock and my stronghold.

But I am lonely for Dave and miss him so much!!!!

Thankful on Thursday

When I woke up this morning, the sun was already shining, the birds were singing and the peace in my heart assured me that people are praying for me.  I know that every night when I go to bed, no matter how bad my day has been, I can still look back and see something to be thankful for.  This morning after waking up, I thought about the many things that I am grateful for.  I read recently on Facebook, "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Last Saturday when I was having a bad day, I bought 2 magazines.  One was a "Women's Weekly" and the other was "Good Health" for women.  The Good Health magazine was a waste of money as it didn't tell me anything I didn't know and in actual fact, tried to sell products that I have no need of.  But it did have one article that interested me.  It was talking about how being cheerful is good for your health and gave an example of a woman who decided that she would photograph just one thing she was thankful for, for 365 days.  The lady was a very busy woman with a lot going on and she said some days she found it difficult to find something to be thankful for but the 'exercise' made her look for good in all sorts of places.

I thought back to when I used to keep a thankful blog.  I used to list 5 things a day.  So I've decided to keep a blog of just photographing one thing a day for which I'm thankful for.  You can find it at this link:  http://thankfulflowers.blogspot.com/  It's called "Thankful In The Garden".

I am feeling much more settled now that I have my own place and can be independent again.  Staying with my friends Karen and Steve was very generous of them and they always did what they could to lovingly make me feel at home, but I needed my space and needed to be able to start doing things on my own again.  I am very thankful for their friendship and support.   Today I walked a couple of times down to the store and came back with more than I needed.  It was only half an hour walk round trip and such a beautiful day that I couldn't resist walking.  If I had have driven, I would have had to do the whole 'Christmas carpark chaos' thing so walking was quicker and less costly.  Apart from saving on gas (petrol), I could only buy that for which I could carry home.

It seems like so much has happened in the last four and a half months since Dave has passed away and while I grieve for him and think of him with every breath, I still have to move forward with life.  My friend Maurine sent me an email recently that I really appreciated.  She said,

" Congratulations on getting moved into your new place – now make it your home for however long you are there.  I know Dave isn’t there with you (physically), as you would want him to be, but  remember to live in this moment and be fully present for the joys that come your way.  And you can share those joys with him – he’s still very much with you in your heart and always will be.  In his love, he always wanted the best for you, but he couldn’t always express it well in his earthly limitations. He delighted in seeing you strong and confident, so as you are taking these steps forward I know he will delight when you share your joys and triumphs with him.

You are amazing and very much loved! "

I am so thankful for being very much loved and for technology that means I can stay in touch with my family and friends no matter where they are in the world:  for Skype, Facebook, blogs, phones, emails and letters. 

Speaking of mail, today I received a letter addressed to someone I didn't know but from someone I did know. (Read it again, it does make sense.) I called Karen and told her about the letter and she called her mum and explained it to her, then Karen called me back and told me the right address and a bit about the people who the letter was addressed to.  I rode my bike down the road and handed them the letter, talked about the connection, talked about other people we knew and then I rode back home while it was still light.  It's a small world.  The couple also go to a church where an old family friend goes and they know Karen's mum and step dad Don, because they went to Bible college with Don.  Is that just a coincidence that the letter came here?

So tonight, I hope to sleep well, thankful for the friendships that God has blessed me with and thankful that He does provide all that I need.  I am thankful that He knows me and as it says in one of my favourite Psalms 139:1-6

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.   Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

I know that as I move forward, the Lord is in front of me leading the way, beside me holding me in His love and behind me protecting me from harm.  Yes, with every breath I still wish Dave was beside me in this life, but I am thankful for the time we shared together and thankful that I had the honour of being his wife and loving him as much as I could!

Creation, Eternity and Life

I got categorised today as a ‘single woman’ and I balked because I am not single, I am widowed and as far as I’m concerned, it’s different.  Not better, just different.  And when I get to Heaven, Dave better have his running shoes on and be thankful for the new body he has, because he’s got some explaining to do and I’m not happy!  People often talk about how when they get to Heaven, there’s a few things they’re going to ask God, but not me!  I’ve got questions for Dave and some things I want to say to him!  Leaving me behind was not fair. 

I hate having to live alone without him and deal with the world on my own.  The little things that were second nature to him, are hard work to me and he should be here to fix those minor things.  When I’m trying to sleep at night, he should be beside me, holding me close and when I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, he should be sitting beside me with his arm around me, not paying any attention, but just being there for me.  Well, OK, it would be nice if he paid some attention as long as he listened properly and didn’t jump to solutions when I only wanted to vent but I was trying to be realistic. J 

What is Heaven like anyway? Everyone has their views and theories and to me, even if someone claims to have died and come back, they still don’t know what Heaven is.  I know that there is no marriage, male or female in Heaven and I know there are no tears, sin or sorrow.  If that is the case, then I find it difficult to believe that Dave could be watching me down here and even if he could, it’s not going to cause him sorrow and I wonder if the temporal things of this world would matter anyhow.  But that’s just my opinion and when I die, I guess I’ll find out the truth.

Loved ones have encouragingly commented that God is working all things out for good for me, that I am surrounded by wonderful, kind, thoughtful people and that I am blessed to have all that.  Yes, thank you.  I know that’s true but on the other hand, I have to wonder why I couldn’t have had it all fall into place with Dave.  On the other hand, I feel like I deserve some goodness considering the pain and sorrow of being in this place of bereavement.  On the other hand, I would like to think that I have been there for others in the past, have been kind and giving, so that it’s nice to get ‘some back’.  On the other hand, I know that some people think we are not deserving of any goodness but I don’t believe that.  God is our Heavenly Father and all good gifts come from Him.  He wants us to have what we need and He loves us far more deeply and intensely than any ‘human’ can love us.

Actually I don’t have so many ‘other hands’. I really do only have two hands and I’m actually very right – handed so learning to play the piano was not accomplished by me.  I did teach myself to play guitar years ago, although not very well.  The other thing is, while I talk about what I ‘deserve’ because of having to deal with all this grief, I also reflect on Job and the fact that he didn’t deserve the sorrow that he received and when he finally had the gumption to ask God about it, God replied with,

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations?  Tell me now if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid the cornerstone – while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?...  Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?  Do they report to you, “Here we are.”? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?....

That is why I like walking on the sands along the ocean, or walking on trails that are marked by majestic trees, why I like watching the waves build up and break, the rain falling, the clouds dispersing and the blue of the sky spanning from East to West.  Those things are reminders that no matter how grand we think we are, there is a Creator God who put all those things into place and has the full control over it all and yet, we can crawl into His arms and be loved safely despite the thunderstorms around us.  It’s also a reminder that while this life seems to be interminably long, harsh and unforgiving, it really is only for a moment in the light of eternity and those things we hold so tightly here, are really nothing more than those grains of sand that we brush off our feet when we’ve finished walking barefoot along the ocean.

So now as I stop and think about all of that, the pain and grief that I’ve been dwelling on, the unfairness of it, the sorrow and how it’s been cloaked around me, has lifted a little bit and I can rest assured that I am in His loving hands.  Still, I guess it’s a timely reminder to love the ones you have here with you, make the most of every opportunity, because tomorrow, if a loved one leaves, all you have left are the memories you made today and the way their love (and yours) touched the person you have become.