Nearly The 29th March

I know it's normal and natural to be thinking about how much I miss Dave as it's only a few days before his birthday and therefore, normal and natural to be sad about that but that doesn't  make it any easier.  The thing is, this will be the first time in 12 years that I haven't given Dave a birthday present and haven't wished him a happy birthday.  He used to comment that I shouldn't send presents over but it was my way of being there even though I lived across the world and my way of making an effort to make it a special time for him.

Birthdays have always been special to me.  It was the time when I was little that I could ask for something I wanted.  It seems that children get given gifts all year round but when I was younger, my parents couldn't afford to do that and birthdays were the day we were made to feel extra special.  Birthdays are a celebration of life.  As we get older, it's a time to reflect on what is important and thank God for the blessings He has given us.  When Dave used to tell me that birthdays weren't important, I would counteract with those comments and also because life is important and God gave us each day to make the most of and bless others with. 

I think another reason I am finding this time hard is also because when I look at photos of his grandkids online and when I talk to his family and friends, I am reminded of the promise I made him at the start of 2010 when we were first engaged.  Quoting from the book of Ruth I said,

     "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God… May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.“

Now that I am on this side of the world, when I look at those photos I realise that I am not a part of their lives as much as we had planned, dreamed and wanted.  And that hurts!  As I begin making a new life for myself here and making new friendships, I think about what I have left behind and it will never be the same again. I will never be the same again.  Dave and I will not be there when Dianne's first child is born and I will not be able to hold her newborn in my arms. 

Life is so precious and in the busyness and chaos of this world, as we rush to and from, here and there and as weave our footsteps in and out of others' lives, sometimes we forget to celebrate each life that we are touched by.  We forget to celebrate the life that God has given us and the blessings He gave us so that we can enjoy our lives even more.

Sometimes when I am lying in bed alone, I wonder if I am lonely.  I think about all that's happening in my life and then realise that I am not 'lonely' as in being single, but lonely as in being without Dave.  You may not understand what I mean by that but this is my journey and I am expressing how I feel.  I am lonely without the man that I was making my life with, whose dreams, home, family and life was ours to share.  It's nearly his birthday and I am thankful for his life and thankful that his life was interwoven with mine.  Two people who became one and his love and life with me, helped to shape the woman I am today. 

Chocolate cake for dessert on Thursday night because Dave loved chocolate cake and would always have a drink of milk with it.  I love Dave and I'm thankful that he was such a big part of my life!