The Edge Of Tomorrow

When I put on my "I Am Tough" Tshirt this morning, I knew that I wasn't feeling tough enough to face yet another day without Dave but as I have no choice about that, I hoped that the sentiment expressed on the Tshirt might find it's way into my heart and mind.  I took off for a drive in my Rav4 and as I rode along the made roads, I thought I should have taken a different direction and headed for either the mountains or the beach so I could get lost in the wonder of creation.  However, I stayed on the road I had taken, headed for the direction I had intended.  

Driving along the road, I was listening to Sandi Patty's song, "Edge of the Divine".

I'm looking over the edge,
I see You waiting for me.
Eyes open wide
Face to the wind
Your arms are reaching for me.....

From the edge of the divine,
I can leap into Your arms
And Your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall
Into everything You are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

I've spent too much time
Rehearsing memories and loss
That Your blood has covered but I....
I  must leave it all at the cross
Doubt whispers in my ear
Is it safe beyond these tears?
If I should fly

.... And You are enough
Yes, You are enough.

I went online to find the lyrics to the above song and saw a YouTube clip of Sandi Patty and she says, "Truly as I look back, it was the edge of the divine. My life would have looked so much different had certain disappointments not come.  Looking back I can see how God's hand was in all of that.  And it wasn't that He was saying no to my dreams. It was just that He had  already said yes to a dream for me that I couldn't see."

It seems that over the weekend, as I have struggled in my grief and hurt because of missing Dave so much, there's a part of me that knows I am also on the edge waiting for whatever is next that God wants to take me to.  Whatever? Wherever?  I also read a quote on Facebook recently that says, "You are never too old to set another goal or dream another dream" by CS Lewis.  I recently said to a friend that I don't know what to dream anymore and she replied, "You can dream anything.  The sky is the limit."

I remember when I was on the plane coming back to Australia from the States, the woman passenger next to me told me to list 10 things I want to achieve/receive in the next 12 months.  She had been through a divorce and a widowhood, had seen a lot of the world and when she was at rock bottom about 10 years before, someone had given her that challenge.  Part of me wants to dream, to think about what I really want in this life, part of me wants to keep hold of that which I can not have any more and a very big part of me is afraid to dream and risk being hurt again.

I was talking to my dad on Skype yesterday while I was watching Man From Snowy River.  (I paused it while talking to him) and then I was checking out horse sales and getting his opinion on owning my own horse.  He said that it was an expensive 'hobby' and needed to be something I was absolutely sure I wanted.  I counteracted with there are other hobbies too that are as expensive.  He said I could lose my money on a horse if it died and I counteracted with, people can lose their money on expensive cars too.  What it comes down to is am I willing to pay the cost (financial, time and otherwise) of having my own horse and owning a couple of acres? 

Over the years, I have developed an interest in helping children who need someone who they can trust and who will guide them and give them appropriate resources.  Dave and I had even talked about being 'foster grandparents' and opening up our home to kids so they could enjoy a place to run around, build forts, have a BBQ etc and then go back a little refreshed to their family homes.  He had the practical skills whereas I had more of the listening skills and together we made a great team.  I had also entertained the notion of studying further in that field.

As one of the quotes said in Man From Snowy River, "Things change" and while that is the understatement of my life, I still need to take a day at a time figuring out what dreams and goals to have, being flexible enough to start in a certain direction yet willing to turn around and head in the other, if necessary.  Another pertinent quote from that movie was, "Don't throw effort after foolishness."  As I look back over my life, I can see how God trains me today for whatever tomorrow holds and I know that while I am here now, He is preparing me for where I will be then and I just have to fall into the edge of the divine and fly... even beyond these tears.