When I wake up in the morning, my mind reaches back for the dreams that I had, to see what part Dave had had in them. As I make my lunch and get ready for work, I think about how I used to make Dave's lunch as he got ready for work. Throughout the day I'll think about things and wonder what Dave's perspective would be, what he would say and how he would respond to some of the challenges I face. When I come home, I miss him then too. It only takes a memory, a smell, a word or a thought to bring Dave to the front of my mind. It feels like every moment Dave is never far from my thoughts.
When I make dreams and plans, I realise that part of what I dream is because of who Dave is to me. I think about how he wanted to teach me how to run our property and he would encourage me to work with my horse, Dee so that I could be more confident in riding her. He believed I could do it and that is partly why I believe that having a horse of my own one day, is a plausible dream. Even when I face challenges at work, Dave believed that I could deal with it and sometimes he would give me a bit of timely advice.
Today, when I was at church, a lady was farewelled as she was moving interstate and I thought about Dave and I attending church together. When Dave passed away, I could not bring myself to go back to our church without him. Now I attend church without him and I find that difficult although today was a bit easier than the last time. The sermon was about worship and how it's all about God and how we need to shout, sing, play instruments skilfully and dance before the Lord and not for anyone else.
There's a lot of questions in my mind about Dave and how he thought and a lot of times I wished we could have done some things together that I now have to do on my own. I don't mind being here in Australia but I wish he was with me. I wish I could have opened up his life to so much more and helped him see how much more he could have enjoyed and experienced. As I do the wii Fit program, I smile and wish I had have done it in front of Dave, just so that he could laugh and so that now, I could have had that memory. As I was driving home, I thought about my future and realised that even though Dave isn't physically in it, he is still a part of it. He will always be a part of it because part of who I am is because he was my beloved husband and because he was a good friend years before he became my lover and best friend.
Life goes on and at the end of each day, I wish Dave was still with me. I miss him so much but I am beginning to remember our time together with less sorrow and more thankfulness. I still can't watch "The Proposal" as that was one of the first movies we saw together, was on the plane when I was going over to see him and was the DVD we watched before we went for the interview with regards to me getting a permanent resident card. I do have the wii games and I think I would like to play golf because it was a game Dave and I often played together and competed against each other in. It was 'our' game and we both were equal although, he would say he was better at it than me and right now, I would agree if only because I wish he was here to say that, with the twinkle in his eye and that mischievous smile of his. I love him so much!!
And now I cry again because I miss him so much.
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