At church in the morning, the pastor preached about change and how we need to move forward with change. He said it's OK to honour your past but there comes a time when looking back and holding on to that stops, you from moving forward. My friend next to me giggled as she thought of me hearing that sermon. I spoke to the pastor today and he said what I already knew: I don't need more change in my life, I need some stability and a place to put down some roots. I am hesitantly doing that here yet, I do feel it's a safe place to move forward.
After church, I went to a picnic at the park and chatted to some of the church ladies there which was good. Later that afternoon I realised that I needed to borrow a lawn mower as I am having a rental inspection on Thursday and I don't think they would appreciate walking through ankle height (and a tad longer) grass, even if it is green. There's been a lot of rain lately but not enough to flood the area I live in. Anyway, I went around to Fiona's place and we sat down for a chat and a soda before I came home and mowed the front yard and one third of the back yard. I shared with her that sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I can put down roots as it feels that in the last few years, I've made friends, changed my life and then had to say goodbye too many times. On the other hand, I know that I need to do it and as friendships are very important to me, it is hard for me not to make new friendships.
As I mowed the lawn, I thought about my friendships and saying 'goodbye' and realised that my friendships over the years have endured the distance and time. Back here in Australia, I've caught up with friends I've maintained over the years even when I was overseas and yesterday, I got to skype with my good friends Janice and Darwin, showed them around my home, talked and shared with them as though they were here in my home, even though they live in the US. Whenever I've said goodbye to my friends and family, it really is more of a 'see you later' as with technology, I can call them, email them or even skype with them.
Some have expressed concern that with everything I am dealing with, all the change in my life, I may need counselling. I spoke with a very good friend about this afternoon who is qualified in so many ways to address this area with me. She asked me some poignant questions and reassured me that I am doing well. One of my friends who expressed concern admitted that he has an issue with anxiety so when he tries to put himself in my shoes, he doesn't think he would be able to cope. I think, too, that since we live in an instant society we want quick fixes and we want to circumvent the process that grief takes. We find it hard to understand other's pain so we come up with our own solutions and cliches. We mean well but act in ignorance. I do understand that people just want me better and they care about me but I know that healing from grief and growing in change, takes and unspecified amount of time.
Personally, I wish it was that simple. I wish it didn't hurt so much. When I made my bed with clean sheets yesterday, they had the smell of home on them as they were cleanly washed from there. I wanted to curl up in the sheets, lie there and think of Dave and then just cry. Don't feel sorry for me about this because it is kind of sweet too, having those smells, thoughts, memories and times to think back and honour Dave, our marriage and what we shared together. It only hurts because I love him and miss him so much but it would be sadder still, if I didn't care at all and got on with my life as though my time with Dave had never happened.
I am glad to be working where I'm at and I am starting to get the hang of the new procedures and routines. The staff are very supportive and approachable and I am establishing good friendships. My class is going well and although they can be talkative, noisy and challenging, each student is special and unique and I am excited by the potential this class has. I am glad to be working here.
The pastor used the example yesterday of the Israelites about to cross into the promised land and as they looked forward, they were dismayed at the challenges of occupying such fertile country so they started looking back and grumbling. They became discontent and wanted to go back to Egypt where they had been in captivity. I feel somewhat forced to move forward but there is no use grumbling and looking back, except to be thankful for what I was able to experience with Dave and my life with him in the States. I am standing on the edge of a new chapter now, not necessarily the promised land and yes, there are challenges in my life that I have to face and deal with but I have to trust God and move forward.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and He does provide all that I need as I move forward.
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