Unpacking The Memories and Moving Forward

I rushed home from work last Wednesday, as the truck was arriving in the mid afternoon.  The students don't start until tomorrow so it was simple enough to take the time and I worked until after 6 that day anyway.  As they unloaded my things, I checked the box that was numbered and labelled.  They took the armoire (dresser/cupboard with mirror and drawers) and put it in the spare room as there is not enough in my bedroom.  I opened one drawer and tears stung my eyes as it contained a couple of Dave's shirts.  As the things were brought in, I had to quickly scan the items for their condition.  The coat rack is broken and the small bookcase is ruined.  I went back to school to finish off the day without opening any boxes.

When I finally got home, I had work to do so I limited myself to opening only a couple of boxes.  I unpacked our bedding from the cedar chest and remade my bed.  As I snuggled between the sheets that night, the smell of home and of Dave filled my senses and it was hard to sleep and yet, it felt good to be reminded of home.  I remembered how Dave used to 'complain' that the bedding was too light and yet we were always warm enough.  The next day I rushed off to work again.

There were so many meetings to attend that it was hard to get any work done and a lot of time was spent in preparing my classroom, setting it up and decorating it as that seemed to be a priority among the teachers.  Some of the meetings held were just for the new teachers to teach us about photocopying, security, computers and other technological pertaining to the school so were very important but again, took time away from actual lesson planning.  We also had the usual meetings on assessment, setting up student files, where to find teaching aids and so on.

By Friday afternoon I was quite stressed and wondered when I would get time to do some lesson preparation.  I had done lots of classroom set up and preparation but will need to get to school very early tomorrow before the students get there, so I can tidy up and do a few last minute decorative bits in my classroom.  Nathan met me at the school on Friday afternoon and helped me with cutting, laminating and pasting before we went home.  He couldn't understand how I, an experienced teacher, would worry about teaching the students when I've been teaching so many years.  

When we got home, we unpacked boxes and found the gifts I had bought Nathan for last Christmas.  He enjoyed opening them and especially loved the First Aid and Survival Kit.  Once he had that opened, he was so engrossed he no longer wanted to open any more boxes.  Unpacking our things was somewhat therapeutic and it was the little things that brought back the memories.  Like the mug I gave Dave which said, "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you." He loved that mug!  He also enjoyed the noisy toy of a man standing on an office chair and when you pushed the pencil, he would say office type comments like, "Where is my stapler? Who took my stapler!"  Both of those things he would show to anyone who came to visit.

I know I've said it before but Dave and I didn't have a lot of 'big', happy memories as our time was too short.  When I unpacked his lunchpail and opened the lid, there was a packet of his cigarettes in there.  I thought of opening the packet and lighting one up, just to 'smell' him again.  I have found places for many of the photos I had framed and in every room I go into  in my home, there are visible reminders of the times I shared with my husband Dave.  

I miss him so much and having our things, photos and visual memories are bittersweet.  I have finished unpacking and I feel more settled and organised than I have since Dave passed away.  I wish he was here.  I wish we had have had more time to make our home together.  Opening the boxes opens up the pain of losing him but it is part of the process of grieving too, so not necessarily a bad thing.  I still wonder though, that as the ambulance drove off that day and his eyes were locked on mine, did he know that he was going to die and was he trying to convey a message of love to me?  Well, for sure he was saying he loved me and that is something I don't ever doubt.

Tomorrow the students start and I think I am ready for whatever the day ahead holds.  I will pack my bag, my lunch and whatever else I need for tomorrow into the car before I go to bed tonight.  Usually I will walk to school but not on the first day, especially since the wind is howling and it might be raining tomorrow.  I did find my umbrella though which will be useful in days to come.

I feel sad that Dave isn't here to share this new beginning, this new chapter with me and I really miss him more than you can know.  I am feeling hopeful about this coming year with the school and my class.  The teacher in the classroom next to me has been very helpful, we are about the same age (I'm 2 months older) and we get on extremely well which is great.  When Nathan was helping me on Friday, he was complaining of being hungry so she got out some of her supplies that she keeps for her sons and fixed him a treat.  I am nervous about tomorrow because it's my first day with new students who I've only met once before and it's my first day teaching at a new school.  

I hope I sleep well tonight.  Since Dave passed away, I think I've had only about one night of really good sleep.  This week, with the new job, thinking about the classroom and also unpacking the boxes from home, my mind has been racing instead of sleeping.  I wish Dave was here to hold me close while I sleep and to be there in the morning when I wake up.