Dreams

Warning: This is a tear-jerker so have a box of tissues handy)

Since Dave passed away, I've had a lot of weird dreams and most of them don't make sense.  They're not nightmares but I often wake up from them, feeling unrested and a little perturbed.  When I have read stories of loved ones dying, the person left alive seems to have a moment in life when they felt the loved one has 'visited' them, because it's so real but I have never had that.  Sometimes I have wished for that to happen but Dave doesn't even always make an appearance in my weird dreams.  Such is the nature of dreams, I suppose.

The last few days he has been uppermost in my thoughts and yesterday, after the students had gone, a staff member popped in and shared how she'd been reading my blog, gave me a big hug and we both cried a little more.  I was glad she popped in and while she was there, another teacher popped in and wanted to stop and chat, too.  Being the sanguine I am, I revelled in it.  Last night as I was sitting at the computer playing on Facebook, I thought again of how much I wish Dave was still alive and no matter how positive and good my life is, no matter how focussed on the good things I am, there is still the constant awareness that he is missing from my life.

I woke up early this morning and checked email and then decided to go back to sleep again and had the following dream:

Dave was inside a building and a couple of my students were there and he was talking, laughing and teasing them.  One of the girls turned and saw me and said something to him, then he came down out of there and joined me, walking beside me and I was crying.  I turned to look up at him to explain to him why I was crying. 
"I miss you so much!  I wish you were still here with me" and he pulled me into a hug and didn't say a word.  As he hugged me, I thought that I still remember how it feels to be hugged by him and I still remember the feel of his flannel shirt against my face.  I knew he couldn't say anything because he wasn't alive so I just kept hugging him and crying.

I woke up crying.  As I went to hang up my clothes in the wardrobe, I wondered if, on the night he collapsed, I could have persuaded him from dying.  What if I had said, as he laid there with his head in my lap before the paramedics came, "Dave, do all you can to stay alive.  Please don't die!"?  Would it have made any difference?  But then again, I really didn't expect him to die so all I kept saying was, "I love you.  I love you so much." and he responded by squeezing my hand even tighter.  As they drove him away, I thought I would see him within the hour and that, although he would be ill and in hospital, he would get better.

Our home is up for sale and there are photos on the website.  (These are my photos, not from the website.)  I can not bring myself to look at them.  I know that the house has been improved, but this is his home, our home and now it's not our home.  As I showered this morning, I wished I could buy it but I know, that even if I could afford it, it would not be practical as my income is here.  Dave is gone and my home with him is gone.

And I can't stop the  tears falling down my cheeks.