Courage and Grief

It had been a stinky hot weekend with hot winds and sticky humidity and cool relief came only with an air conditioner turned on.  By Sunday night, people were hoping for a cool change but instead, the thunderstorms began while the air was still too warm.  I hadn't had a good weekend as I was stuck in the immobilization of grief, especially on Saturday.  I cried, wiped the tears away and cried some more.  I couldn't make the tears stop and as a result, had a headache and sore eyes.  Such is the nature of my grief.  I expected to fall asleep quickly on Sunday night since I hadn't slept much the night before but sleep eluded me. 

As I lay in bed listening to the wind squalling, the wind chimes that Dave's daughter-in-law had made for our wedding present danced and sang and I was thankful that a friend had made sure it was secured to the roof outside.  Dave and I had kept the chimes inside because we were worried that a gust of wind would blow it off a hook and smash the pretty glass.  The dog had stopped barking by 1am and I got up and had a couple of turns in Words With Friends on Facebook and tried to sleep again.

The thing is, I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to hope for and what to dream.  I keep seeing glimpses of the 'old' me, the 'before Dave' Carolanne and I keep waiting for me  to return but I have finally woken up to the fact, it's not going to happen.  Dave is a part of me and a part of who I am and he always will be so now, I have to find out what the 'new normal' is for me.



I read recently on Facebook:

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is a quiet voice at the end of the day.
Saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

For me, courage is getting up in the morning.  Courage is walking out the door to go to a brand new job, surrounded by brand new friends, in a brand new area and starting all over again while my heart is back at my home in the US with Dave.  Courage is making plans for the future, thinking outside the box and trying to figure out what I enjoy, what goals I want to make for the years ahead and trying to see a bigger picture without being focussed on just getting through the day.  Courage is doing all I can to get through this day.  Courage is being able to look forward to times spent with family and friends, even though Dave is not beside me.  Courage is what it takes to get through this journey of grief.

To be honest, I am sick and tired of grieving.  I want to be over it and sometimes I want to pretend that it never happened.  Dave and I used to talk about having our own private island and getting away from everything, starting completely all over again.  We wanted to go somewhere warm, tropical and relaxing.  I look at the 'getaway' vacations on TV ads and I scour the web trying to find a perfect, new lifestyle for me but I keep coming back to reality: Bills have to be paid and my life has to be lived on this earth at this time.

Last Friday, before I sent the students home I asked them if anyone had any horses that needed to be ridden or property that horses could be agisted on.  A student piped up that he had first cousins in Greece with lots of horses but I told him that was a little too far to go to ride.  Besides, if I was going to travel that far, I could just go back to the States and ride Dee and Stormy.  Still the thought of owning and riding my own horse again, had me browsing horsesforsale.com, trail rides, the outback and wondering when I really will have the motivation to start making goals and decisions.

I understand why people who have lost a spouse are counselled not to make any major decisions for the first 12 months of their bereavement.  I've had major decisions thrust upon me and sometimes I feel resentful of those decisions.  I wonder about the what ifs and wonder if I could have taken a different direction.  All that I am dealing with as a result of Dave passing away feels like loss heaped upon loss heaped upon change and I have to search through all that with a fine tooth comb in order to find the sparkling diamond that might be hidden in there somewhere.

Anyway, enough of cliches and navel gazing, I have school work to do and Words With Friends games to play.  (In case you're wondering, WWF is like a game of scrabble in Facebook.)  Hopefully my body will succumb to sleep at a reasonable time tonight so that I can function courageously tomorrow.