Dave Pops Into My Thoughts

I was just sitting at my computer, playing Facebook games, working my way through the tissue box thanks to a cold my grade 3/4 students shared with me when, out of the blue, I wished Dave was with me.  I know I think about him, miss him and wish he was with me but this was an unexpected invasion  to my mundane thoughts that I had no control over.  As I pondered and thought about life with him, I figured that grief is like that.  I move through the day, thinking about rush hour traffic, paperwork, dishes, upcoming vacations and then, out of the blue, he pops up. 

But then again, after all the students had gone home today and there was only one other teacher and I talking in her classroom, I shared with her my story of Dave and I.  When I came home and was playing with settings and changing to the timeline on Facebook, there were photos, notes and snippets of Dave.  As I read of the engagement of a mutual friend, I wanted to share it and talk about it with Dave.  So I guess it's no surprise that even though I am thinking of other things, Dave would pop in unannounced to my thoughts. And it's not a bad thing and not even awkward, it's just there. 

As I look back on photos of my life with Dave, I try to figure out what my future holds. I wonder if I will ever own a couple of acres, a horse and have the country lifestyle that Dave and I wanted to have together.  I wonder if I will ever again, be in a place that I want to put down roots and call home, for the rest of my life and if I will, when?

In my life, I have an assortment of old and new friends, near and far away, but I still don't feel like I belong.  I belong to where I am at this moment in time but yet I come home to no one and when I make plans, it's just for me.  Despite having wonderful friends and making new friends, friendship groups, couples and families are already established and yet, I can't really complain as they also welcome me into their circles of friendship.  I will be flying with a friend up north to visit and stay with more good friends and spend a week or so with them and I had two new friends come with me to the farming  Expo last weekend.  There has not been any times when I have asked a friend to spend time with me and found myself alone. But I am alone and without Dave.

If Dave was alive, I would not be in this predicament but he isn't and I am. 

Changing the subject: I will be so glad when this silly cold is over and I can stop blowing my nose, my eyes will stop watering and I will not need to drink so much orange juice!