During the day I thought about how awesome it is to know that I have family and friends across the world praying for me as I had my first day with the students. It was very reassuring. The day went well although it was a bit chaotic with so much to get through and without a finalised timetable. All of the teachers who are in my 'closest' vicinity of work, are friendly and very helpful with practical ideas. They are encouraging and the 'daily organiser / curriculum co-ordinator' keeps reminding me that I don't have to have it all learnt by yesterday. Last Friday when I was stressing out, Nathan said, "Mum, you're a very experienced teacher, why are you worried? You can do this with your eyes closed". (paraphrased)
The thing is, I have to learn new routines, new IT skills, new names, new ways of doing things and working with a whole lot of new people. Yes, it is something I can do but it doesn't just effortlessly happen and it will take time to get used to all these new changes. I am thankful I am in this new environment and I keep reminding myself too, that this is the right place for me to be at this time.
Changes. Yet again.
I gave Dave a small plaque and it is now sitting on my desk. It says:
RISK more than others think is safe, CARE more than others think is wise, DREAM more than others think is practical, EXPECT more than others think is POSSIBLE.
At the end of this long day, nay, at the end of these long six months past, sometimes I wonder if I can last. The distance, the grief seems to take it's toll on me, the lack of so much that once gave me security: Dave, a home, savings, a good night's sleep, stability... all is gone. I RISKed more than what was safe when I left Australia to share my life with Dave. I CAREd more than perhaps was wise and yet I loved him more thoroughly than even I thought possible and more than words can express. I am not just saying that. I would have given my life for him and in a way, I did. I gave Dave everything I had all wrapped up in love. Perhaps marrying him and preparing to spend the rest of our lives together wasn't practical but it was certainly possible and yet, now it's all gone.
Change. Again.
I am tired of change, tired of adjusting to something new and giving it my all, and then it is gone. I want to be safe and right now I know I am wallowing in self-pity. Please do not tell me how much I have to be thankful for because right now all that is overshadowed by my hurt and tears and I don't need sermons from someone who 'means well' but has not been through what I have been through to preach the sermon they think I should hear.
I know that it will get easier as time goes on. At least, I hope it does and when it does, I hope I have some time just enjoying the results of all the hard work that has gone on before. Excuse my skepticism. I loved Dave and wanted to have a great marriage with him and soon after he was ready to give his all to 'us', he was gone from this life.
Last night I went shopping for some bits and pieces and as I got out of the car to put the garage door down, the little boy from next door ran up to me. He scared me because I didn't hear him coming and when I turned around he was saying, "Hi!" He has an intellectual disability and I had not actually seen him since I moved in. He came up to me and put his arms around me and kept hugging me and telling his dad, "She is here. Daddy. Look!" Anyway, 'daddy' kept trying to call him back but since I took a few steps towards him, he came over and we shook hands, exchanged names and then the boy allowed his dad to take him home. As they left and I got into the car, I thought about how sweet it was to be hugged by a little boy who had no sense of worldliness, no pretentions and was happy to greet me because the world had not hurt him yet.
I need to go to bed and sleep and maybe in the morning I will feel a little better. Before I go to bed, I need to save all "My Documents" on to a memory stick as I have lost the one I had. Hopefully it will turn up because it had a lot of information on it that I would prefer someone else doesn't make use of. Maybe I left it at school. Pray that it does turn up.
Tomorrow I will be doing a yard duty on the oval and the 4th grade teacher advised me to remember my water bottle and my hat. I forgot to take my hat today even though I'd left it on the door handle to remind me. Oh well, even this job will become second nature to me too, one day.
Yes, it was a good day teaching my class and we will have a good year together. It will definitely have it's challenges but my heart has always been to teach and train young children and it's something I do well. So many changes and the learning curve is great but hey, guess I will be 'stronger, stronger....' as time goes on.
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