Adjusting and adapting to a whole new life, and without Dave is challenging but I am getting there. The school I am working at is larger than I have ever worked at and although there are some things about teaching that never change, there are new routines and procedures that I have to learn, including the use of computers instead of paper. Now, for those who know me, it's true that computers is something I can do and be good at but at the moment, there is the learning curve of using Excel instead of Word and crossing between word and excel for getting together my work program. But it is do-able and I am adjusting as quickly as possible. It does help that I am tenacious and a quick learner.
Discipline. Yes, while my students need to be disciplined, so do I and I'm not referring to time outs (unless it's the chocolate variety), rewards, (although that would be nice too) or being growled at. (Please, no!) Living on my own and starting a new teaching job without many of the resources and aids that I used to rely on, means my work hours begin at 8am and finish when I go to bed. Over the last couple of weeks, I would be working in the evenings and IF I ate, I would work at the same time. My focus was on getting work done and when I started feeling ill by about 8pm last Tuesday, I realised that I had to stop that pattern.
I have to make a conscious effort to take a break for meals, snacks or leisure. Move away from the computer and do something different. I also need to discipline myself to exercise and eat more healthily. I figured that out after I put on a pair of jeans that were more snug than the last time I wore them a few months ago. I'm going to try walking to school asap but at the moment, my car is also my delivery van and large school bag.
Attitude. When I am on my own, it's a lot harder to check my perspective and attitude to things. If I am overtired, I tend to exaggerate the negative and Dave is not around to tell me that I need to stop over thinking nor to tell me I'm doing a good job, at the end of a long day. On Friday, I decided that I would go home shortly after 4:30pm and I would not do any school work at all and instead would go and buy the mini HiFi system so I could play my music when I was at home. While I was out, I went to Office Works and Big W and bought stuff for school too but, resisted the urge to do school work. I allocated time to do school work on Saturday and this afternoon, I went with a couple of school teacher-friends to the Seymour Alternative Farming Expo. Right now, I feel refreshed and have a more positive attitude about school.
Procrastination. I am very good at procrastinating. Even though I said I would do school work on Saturday, when Saturday came I had to set up my new stereo and I put on music that was very distracting. I love music and it does affect my mood, too. In the end, there was no other alternative than to put on some classical music that I couldn't sing along with, nor be tempted to 'move' to. Once I start doing something, procrastination isn't a problem.
Teaching is a lot of fun. I love my grade 3/4 class which is made up of 16 boys and 8 girls. The boys are full of life and challenging but they are not devious and sneaky, just typical boys. They want to play and draw, not read and write. On Friday I changed all the seating around to see if that would improve their classroom behaviour. We attend to the school farm chores on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. The grade 3 students collect all the scrap food buckets from every classroom and office so that the chooks and ducks can be fed. When the pigs come in a couple of weeks or so, they will be fed scraps too. They are also fed pellets and wheat and a couple of grade 4 students have to clean out the 'ponds' and add fresh water, someone collects eggs and other students tend to the guinea pig and rabbits. They will also have their own patch of vegetable garden to tend to, soon.
Change. There has been a lot of change in my life and it's only been six and a half months since Dave passed away and four months since I moved back to Australia. Like driving on the left hand side, some things come back to me naturally without too much effort but there's a part of my heart that is still back in the States with Dave. I often find myself viewing things through his eyes and wondering what he would think of that, or what he would say about this. Today I stepped on a piece of glass and pulled it out without realising how embedded it had been. Blood dripped on the carpet and although I hopped up to the kitchen to get a tissue, blood still kept dripping out. I went to the bathroom, sat on the edge of the bath and wished Dave was here. I wanted to tell him about my day and about the Farming Expo. The whole time I was at the Expo, I kept thinking about the time he and I went to the Spokane Fair in 2010. Was it that long ago?? I compared that fair to the expo today and thought about the fun we had had together.
Hope. This morning I reread the post I made about "I knew I loved him but I didn't realise how much until he was gone. (Sept. 14th, 2011) Back then, it was 'raw' grief that I experienced. It hurt so much and it consumed me. Now it hurts in a different way. When I wrote that, it was before the "living without Dave" and getting on with life had really begun. It was all about Dave and now it's all about getting on with life without him. It still hurts. I wake up missing him and some nights I still cry myself to sleep. But inside me, the hope is there that I will get through this and I can see by my actions, that I am moving forward. It's funny but I can smile outwardly, have fun and yet, still hurt and miss Dave at the same time. It's just not as obvious on the outside.
Anger. Maybe that doesn't fit the tone of this blog post but I am sometimes angry that I can't be living my life with Dave and be in the States. I try not to act out in my anger but I don't always succeed. I even get angry at Dave for not taking better care of his health so that he could have lived longer and angry at God for taking Dave but leaving me behind. I get angry that I have to adjust and adapt to so much change and wonder about the purpose of it all. Just doesn't seem fair to me.
Nathan. It seems fitting that I include my son in this catch-up post. It's been great spending time with him and knowing that he's just a phone call away. He has grown into a wonderful, young man and I am very proud of him. Speaking of children, I also miss my step children. I love being able to skype with Dave's youngest daughter and we catch up regularly. I miss my step-grandchildren and see photos of them on Facebook and it makes me miss Dave and wish that he was here to see them grow up. Niether of us will be around when our next grandchild is born in May this year. :(
Growth and grief. I 'guess' I am growing through this grief. I am growing as I adjust and adapt to change. I am growing as I learn new things and make new friends, as I teach new students and keep getting up in the morning to face the day ahead. At the expo, we stopped and watched a man riding a horse and showing off 2 horses, as they did tricks at his commad or gesture. I thought of Dave telling me to work with my horse Dee daily so that I could get her to do tricks for me. I missed Dave and I missed my horse. Perhaps I could justify getting a horse to be part of growing in my grief. lol Maybe some day.
Enjoyment. I do experience enjoyment and fun. It is good to start seeing 'me' again and start doing the things I love doing and having fun with friends, old and new. When the king and queen were here last weekend, it was good to relax and not have to bite back words that shouldn't be said, nor pretend to be 'over' my grief. We could watch corny movies together, joke and talk about things without pretenses. My sanguine temperament is edging it's way back into my life and it's good to be able to look back at my time with Dave, remember the good and bring some of my past, into my present or consider adding it in the future. Perhaps that is how I honour Dave as I grow in my grief and learn to adjust to life without him.
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