Missing the Stuff of Memories

I miss not having all my stuff with me and I'm not talking about 'my' stuff, I mean our stuff, stuff that Dave and I bought together, things that remind me of Dave and things that remind me of my life with him.  Most of the things that we had (and that I wanted to keep - which isn't a whole lot), are being sent over on a ship and aren't due to arrive here until mid to late December. I have 2 suitcases worth of clothes and things that I brought back to Australia with me and although it includes two of Dave's shirts and one of his jackets, it's not enough.  I want the photos of Dave and me, the photo collages that were made and I want him.

I know it's not realistic.  I continued reading the book "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston and read this bit which really expresses how I feel:

"What I really want is some sort of "It's okay, I'm here" sign from him.  The worst part about grief is that it's so one-sided, so unrequited.  Lost loved ones don't reciprocate, when you get right down to it.  You try to convince yourself that they do.  But [Dave] hurts me every day with his indifference, his aloofness.  I pray, I journal, I speak to him.  Not a peep.  He's like the popular kids in high school, breezing by in a flash with no eye contact or acknowledgement of my existence.
I flop back against the pillows, irritated.  The nerve of these dead people!.. What do they have to do that's so important? Sure, you're dead.  But there's such a thing as manners,  The lengths I've gone to: the flowers tossed into the sea, the candles burned, the photo albums.  The shrink visits, the grief groups, the antidepressants.  Nothing from them."

I understand that feeling.  It's not fair that I have to keep moving forward shrouded by grief.  It's not fair that I have to do this on my own without Dave's support and without Dave reassuring me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  When (assuming I do) I get through this season of grief, he won't be there (unless I've died) to cheer me and make plans with me.  He won't be there to thank me for being there for him, for loving him, for doing things that remind me and others, of his kindness and integrity.

I want to move forward and make plans but I'm reticent because those plans don't include Dave.  It's a whole new world out there, beckoning to me with long, bony, gnarled fingers, with hints of blue skies and beauty but it's luring me to let go of Dave, leave him behind so that I can walk forward.  I still feel the tips of Dave's fingers touching mine, I still hear his whispers of "We can do this" but it's not 'we', it's me.  I just want to turn my back on the beckoning, turn around and fall into Dave's arms and have him hold me like he used to and make me feel at home again.

I know that I can't do that so I slowly raise my hand halfway towards the beckoning, then drop it at my side again.  I want more than just a feeling, more than just a thought, I want something real that I can touch, hang on to and aim for.  Sort of like being in the water but having the shore to aim for, a jetty post to pull yourself forward when the current keeps trying to drag you back into the ocean.

When I have gotten through this season of grief, I want Dave to walk through the door, hug me and say, "Well you passed that 'test',  you're stronger so let's get on with our life together again."

Dancing With Joy In Molyullah

The magpies sang, the kookaburras laughed and other birds sang their distinctive songs.  A little robin flitted from branch to branch, bees buzzed around the lemons and their buds while butterflies danced together above the top of the bushes.  I sat inside this haven of rest, its high ceilings, mud bricks and partially closed curtains providing respite from the cacophony of worldly sounds and busyness.  When the kookaburra laughed and another one joined in, I realised that I had been missing that sound and I picked up my camera and obeyed the call to come and play in the Australian outdoors. 

I stood at the fence, breathing in the Euclyptus and Pine fresh air, looking outward to the gum trees, cows, and green hills beyond.  Without thinking, I leaned in a little closer, put out my hand and scratched it on the barbed wire.  A dead tree reached its lifeless limbs out to the thriving gum tree.  Was it trying to recall life, trying to remember the time when it swayed in the breeze and danced to the tune of fresh air and warm summer nights, when birds would make their nests in its sturdy branches and when lizards would run up and down the tree, looking for bugs and tree sap?

I sat down on the chopped down tree taking it all in.  I had been reading a book called, “The Great Dance” and another one called, “In My Father’s Vineyard” and at the same time pondering Dave’s mom’s thoughts of joy and all the words and their significance seemed to be flowing together, breathing life into my broken heart and asking me to come dance again in the love and security of a Heavenly Father who calls me His child and who surrounds me with His good, loving and strong arms, wiping away my tears and in a sense, giving me butterfly kisses of such tenderness while I grieve.

For the last 24 hours or so, when I was on my own, I cried out to my Father and asked Him what use is this time of ‘nothing’ and why leave me here on this earth, when I am not achieving anything and don’t have a purpose or plan.  When Dave was plucked out of this life, I was uprooted and plonked down on the other side of the ocean without the man, the dreams, the plans and the life that we had looked forward to. It feels like every step forward is a step further away from those hopes and dreams and I have nothing to replace it with.

I want to dance in the sunshine again, swim in the deep blue waters of the oceans, or even the muddy brown rivers that are shaded by the gum trees. I want to sing a song of hope and joy while standing under a gum tree or facing the rolling green hills dotted with cattle.

I read in the book, “The Great Dance”:

My aim is to pierce the veil so that we can see the sheer beauty of God, and in such light see what this God has planned for us and accomplished in Jesus Christ.  All of this is in the hope that we may see ourselves in an astonishing light, that we may discover our true identity – who we really are – and thus understand what is happening in our lives and move forward toward joy.

Yes, that is what I want to do and not only experience the joy but live in it so much that others are touched by joy too and want to share in the dance with me, with our Lord and King.  I want them to hear His laughter and know that He delights in us. I want us to know His love that is higher, deeper, wider and more pure than anything else this world has to offer.

But first, I want to have my broken heart made whole again so that I can move forward toward joy.

Boo!

Shhh!  They whispered around her, pulling on their kid gloves and tiptoeing as though she couldn't see them or hear them.  They all looked at her and then at each other wondering what to do next.  She sat at the table wiping her fingers on her jeans to remove the chicken grease left overs.  She had already licked them first but as no napkin was provided, her jeans were there to finish the job.  She click-clacked on the keyboard oblivious to their pitiful stares.  She knew they were there but she had little time for their nonsense.


The phone rang and she picked  it up enthusiastically, "Saturday?  Yes, that would be wonderful!  I'm looking forward to seeing you."  She hung up the phone smiling at the prospect of catching up with good friends.  The phone rang again and in response to the caller's invitation, she laughed and agreed, "Oh for sure.  I can't wait!"  The sun shone through the window, the blow fly buzzed around her head and the birds continued their endless song as life went on.


Finally, as they continued to flit cautiously around her, she stilled her typing fingers.  She waited while they held their breath wondering what she was going to do.  She counted to ten and when she thought they could take no more, she jumped up and shouted, "Boo!" 


The thing is, I have been back in Australia for three weeks and I am settling in well.  I miss Dave so much and every day wish he was still alive and that we were still together.  I have been welcomed 'home' and though I do not call this home, I understand the sentiment behind it and realise that people are sincerely glad to see me and want to continue/renew their friendship with me.  As stated in a previous blog post, I used to tell Dave that cliches become cliches because they are tried and true words that have been used to remind people over and over again.  It's best just to accept the cliches as someone's attempt to express their condolences and concern.


I am glad to be back in Australia, as much as I am glad to be anywhere and I am confident that the Lord is providing all I need and has a purpose and plan for my life, which I suppose is why He kept me here on this earth when He took Dave home to be with Him.  As my brother-in-law pointed out to me, I would have had to start all over again even if I stayed in the States, so I may as well be here.  I am thankful for the loving support of friends and family and especially the generosity of Karen and Steve who have allowed me to make their home, my home and have given so much that I could never begin to repay them for their kindness.  I am thankful for Dave's family who have made me their family and without whose love and kindness, I would be wandering aimlessly through this grieving period.  The thing is, that my friends and family don't ask to be repaid and instead, seem to count it as an honour to be able to give to me in this way. I feel humbled that they love me and believe in me so much.


The first couple of paragraphs of this blog are fictional and yet inside them are still grains of fact.  There are some people who are finding it awkward to relate to me:  What if she cries?  She's probably too busy to hear from me...  What will I say to her?  Should I bring up the subject of "Dave"?  Why didn't she reply to my email that I sent her in the week after Dave passed away?  What if she doesn't want to talk to me?  What if....?  Man, what are you all thinking??!!!  I am still me. Yes, I have been through a lot of changes and yes, I have changed, grown and moved forward, but I am still me.


Admittedly, I do cry from time to time, but usually I reserve that for the quietness at night when I am on my own.  I will cry with friends and family who put their arms around me, share with me and reminisce with me but we always have a tissue handy and we don't mind crying those tears together.  I like talking about Dave and the times we had together.  He is a part of me, a part of who I have become and I love him so much.  I have no regrets and no reason to shun that part of my life.  I am thankful for what I was able to share with him, even though we were only married a short time.  I am not too busy to make time for friends and family but please don't wait for me to call or email you.  You have my phone number or email - use it if you want to.  I wouldn't have given it to you if I didn't want to stay in touch. 


Thank you for sending me an email, cards, flowers and/or condolences in the week after Dave passed away. That week is a blur to me and my friend Maurine told me that I was in shock.  All I remember was lots of people being around, Maurine asking me what I had eaten and handing me food to eat and eating an orange for breakfast. But everything and everyone is a blurred memory.  Nathan had printed up some of the Facebook messages and emails I received that week but I hadn't really had the desire to read through them and now they are all packed away in the boxes being shipped over here.  I know that I was wondering why I hadn't heard from someone and when I flipped through the emails, found one from that person.  I also know that just before I left the States, I was going through my emails and found one from someone I hadn't heard from in years.  I have 177 emails in my inbox and some have been replied to, some haven't.  Please do not feel that I didn't appreciate your expression of condolences because I did and I am thankful.


The other day I was talking to a good friend on Skype when she commented that I needed to update the details of my 'place', from Reardan, to Australia.  I told her I wasn't ready yet and she understood.  About a month ago, I was going to update my Facebook status from married to 'widow' but again, I wasn't ready to and I'm still not ready to.  It's not that important.  Yesterday, I went to VicRoads to change my licence so that my last name is Flowers and they said they didn't accept my international marriage certificate, so now I have to go to the registry of births, deaths, marriages etc and find out how to do it.  Paperwork gets so tiresome!!!

Anyway, if you've been tiptoeing around me, wondering what response you'll get from me:


"Boo!"

Sounds That Bring Back Memories

I heard a dog bark today.  It was the kind of bark Riley would give when he had just gotten home from his meanderings around the countryside (literally) and he wanted to be let inside the house and given a decent feed.  Not that he always ate what was on his plate.  I  often wondered why he wasn't hungry when he'd been gone for at least a day but I knew he visited the neighbour's dogs regularly and probably helped himself to their  food.  I read too, on Facebook, that he also had the ability to leave them gifts of beef tongue and other assorted goodies.  I am thankful that he repaid their generosity because there were enough hearts, livers and tongues in our deep freezer to deal with.  Those organs had been there for years and I was not prepared to touch them.  When the freezer broke down a couple of weeks after Dave passed away, we took those things out, smelling foully as they did, and disposed of them outside of the pasture to help feed the coyotes.


Dave always told me that I was to take Riley with me whenever I went outside at night, in case there were coyotes about.  I  never pronounced coyotes right while I was in the States.  Dave said it one way, others said it another, and I said it the Aussie way.  (At least I pronounce it correctly in the written form.)  The coyotes would have parties in the middle of the night and sometimes early in the morning when Dave was leaving for work, he would get a firecracker, or bottle rocket, and set it off.  That would quieten them down.  Apparently another 'trick' the coyotes had would be to send a 'lone'coyote to play with a tied up dog and then while the dog and coyote were playing, the other coyotes would come and attack the dog.  Riley spent the night indoors when he was home.  Some mornings he would come home all wet after swimming through the town 'pond' and he would have a quiet day relaxing at my feet.


I can hear a lawn mower and a neighbour must be making the most of a dry day since it's been raining off and on for a few days already.  Lawnmowers!  The memories of pushing one around in the front yard, the back yard, the yard near the chicken coop and behind the 'shop.  It took a lot of time and once the good weather had come and the grass was growing prolifically, I was mowing almost every day to get it done.  I was also, planting more grass seed in the area that Nathan and Dave had cleared and leveled with the tractor which would need mowing once it was grown.   It was hard work.  One time I had had enough and said to Dave that I couldn't do it - it was too hard!  He told me again about the lever to press down so it would be self-propelled and I just looked at him, close to tears and frustrated by all the mowing.  He took the lawn mower from me, demonstrated it, mowed it and gave it back to me when he was almost done.  Why didn't he show me what he meant weeks before as it would have made my job so much easier??!!  Well, at least it made it so much easier from then on.  I could even do it one-handed. 


Nathan was concerned about all the mowing I had to do and when he came to visit for a couple of months, that became his job.  He said to me, "Mum, when I've gone back to Australia, this will be your job, won't it?"  Since Dave worked long hours, it was definitely a lot more practical for me to do but I reassured Nathan that once the snow falls, I won't have to mow for another 3 or 4 months.  He was trying to figure out a way to get me a ride-on mower.  Dave had said that we would get one and we were looking at mowers.  He, of course, would always consider the ones that could be a snowblower or have bits added to them, with a lot of power etc.  I was content to let him make the decision since he had way more experience with motors and engines, machinery and tools, than I ever had.  


I miss Dave.

Echidnas and Roses

Our dog Riley was besotted with porcupines.  Last year there were at least five times that he came home with quills around his mouth and/or in his mouth but it was as though he never learnt from his experience.  Each time he came home with them, he had to be held still while each quill was pulled out and though it was painful, it didn't stop him from doing it again.  Ahh, the lessons we could learn but don't!


Echidnas, on the other hand, are not like porcupines and they don't throw their quills.  Superficially they look a bit like porcupines and hedgehogs but echidnas are monotremes.  (egg laying mammals).  To escape danger, the echidna curls into a ball, or burrows into the ground.  I've been trying to find one to take a photo of, but I am usually driving by when one is seen.  Last Saturday, Wendy and I saw one so we turned around and took this photo of it just before it burrowed away.  Karen almost ran one over today and by the time we turned around and drove back, it had scurried away into the bushes and since it was raining a little, I had no desire to get out of the car and chase it.

Every day I get up, shower, breakfast and move through the day.  The last couple of days I have seemed to drag my feet and lacked motivation but the point is, I get through the day and usually when I am reflecting on my day before I go to sleep, I find something to be thankful for, something or someone, that had made me laugh or smile, something that in spite of my grief, reminds me that life goes on and I will get through this time.  "When...?" is the beginning of a lot of my thoughts but as it says in Eccl. 3:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens....
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

So at this time, I am thankful for those people who email me, call me, Facebook me, skype with me and/or visit me.  I am thankful for the people who eat with me, drink with me (they have tea/coffee/latte etc while I have a diet coke), shop with me and go driving with me.  I am thankful for friends and family who smile and give me a reason to smile back and I am thankful and humbled by the overwhelming love that has been given to me without conditions and people who are there for me and not what they can receive from me.  I am thankful that people are genuinely concerned for me at this time.

Today, Karen and her grandmother were talking about roses and her grandmother was talking about how she needed to prune a dead rose off the bush.  Dave was so proud of his roses and about a week before he passed away, we had bought a plastic climber thing so that the rose could grow the right way.  On Valentines Day, he bought me a small pink rose in a little pot, then he planted it in the garden, marking it with a 'garden bird' and he tried to coax it to grow a little more.  He dug up a dead rose bush and when he found a few leaves that had shown life, he planted it elsewhere and it began to grow.  Dave loved roses and I love Dave.  I wish I had have taken a photo of Dave's rose garden when it was in full bloom.  Speaking of gardening, another one of my friend's said today, something to the effect of flowers grow more beautifully in gardens where manure/fertilizer is.  I guess I'm going to grow bloomin' well.

What is the meaning of this photo?  Karen said I took a photo of the worst part of her garden but that wasn't my purpose at all. It inspires me in my interest of photography, reminding me that I really want to do more in that area and the other thing is, I love writing.  I want to write stories of interest and haven't yet decided whether it would be adult fiction or children's fiction.  A friend today who has been reading my blogs said that I seem to have a lot to say.  All I know is that I have so much that I want to write about and there's a lot of 'fodder' there for years to come.

Maybe this blog post appears a little mismatched but there is a train of thought in there, from writing to gardening to manure, to growth. 

I Don't Have Dave

It doesn't matter where I go, what I do or how much sleep I get because when I am awake, my thoughts are with Dave and nothing and no one can bring him back to me.  There are days when I can be positive and there are days when I wonder why I have to go through this hurt, this pain, this widowhood thing.  Everyone assures me that the pain will lessen with time and I know that's true but in the meantime, what am I supposed to do with these tears?

It's hard when there is nothing no one can do or say to help and you don't want to make them feel bad or awkward so you hide away.  It's not bad either to hide away and since grief is a process, it's all part and parcel, I suppose.

The thing is I try not to cry and then that makes me cry more because I remember why I feel so sad.

I guess I just have to put it down to 'one of those days'.

I drove aimlessly today although I ended up at a shopping centre and while I was still in the carpark, I called Dan and Rhonda, just to hear their voice.  But today I kept thinking about how life has gone on for everyone else and although they miss Dave, they have a home, a family, some stability and their life is as it has been. 

I have no job.
I have no home.
I have no 'security'.

But most of all, I don't have Dave.

Being A Part of Dave's Family

I was talking to my friend, Sonya today when we talked about me being a part of Dave's family.  I miss them so much and sometimes I wonder if they fully comprehend just how much I belong to them.  I acknowledged to her that Dave is so much a part of who I am today and therefore his family is mine, too.  Sonya replied, "Yes - and you can't set aside your "Flowers" side. It would be like amputating a limb or something" and I said more accurately, "Or taking out my heart" and if you know me or have gotten to know me through my 'journey', then you will know that what I say is true.

I'm chatting to Dave's brother, Bob while I write this and in reply to his comment that I am part of their family, loved by each of them and prayed for daily, I said, "I miss everyone so much and feel so far away from you all.  I love you all so much and yes, I miss Dave like crazy.  Death is so final and I'm crazily in love with him and yet he's out of reach."  The times I chat with them on Skype, on the phone or in emails, just makes me miss them more, but it's good too.  It's bittersweet because it's because of love and being family that it hurts to miss them.

Anyway, I was also discussing with my friend Wendy today about some of the 'minor' changes that have happened to me because of my time in the States.  Simple vocabulary things like:

Purse = Handbag.  When I was in the States, I kept calling the 'purse' a handbag, now that I'm back in Australia, I keep calling my handbag a purse.

Gas = Petrol   I keep saying that I need to get gas.  On a side note, I'd forgotten that here, we pay AFTER we fill it up and we go inside to pay, not on the bowser outside.  Also, the petrol cap is not attached to the car so, I have to remember to put it back on before I drive off.

Driving on the other side of the road - When I first started driving on the right hand side of the road, I had to concentrate especially when turning left, and look forward to see where the lane was that I was driving into.  Now, when I am going to my car, I have to quickly look inside the car to see what side the steering wheel is on to make sure I go to the right side of the car.

Miles vs Kilometres - When Nathan and I were test driving cars, I kept checking to see how many miles it had done and Nathan kept reminding me that "we use 'kilometres', mum."

Mobile Phone= Cell Phone - Often catch myself saying "cell phone" instead of mobile phone.  At least it's quicker to write/type cell phone than the other way.

Clothes/Prices - When I first walked into a store (shop - I am still finding it hard to say shop instead of store), I was dismayed by the prices of clothes and the quality of the clothing for those prices.  I had forgotten the difference.

These are just a few of the things I am having to readjust to again.  It just surprises me when I catch myself rethinking things that I thought were second nature to me.  One time when Dave and I were driving, he got upset at me because I had gotten the number of the address wrong. (I hadn't - he had misheard) and I went quiet rather than argue with him.  A few minutes later, he apologised and said that he forgets that not everything that is second nature to him, is like that for me and that I've had to make changes that he isn't aware of. 

So many thoughts I have and right now the season is for me to wait and be patient and take a step at a time.  It's the season for me to grieve but also for me to figure out who I am, what my priorities are now and what kind of life I am going to live.  All too soon I will get busy again when I have a job so I need to be able to just use this time to reflect, refresh and heal.  I sometimes try to jump ahead and find out something way down the track but I have to be content with what is now.  Like I read today, "Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He  works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?.....  I am unable to undertand all that God is doing in me and it is impossible to try."

Today I went driving with one of my good friends (I am very blessed to have quite a few) and I was able to take more photos of the beach.  It will be so nice when I finally get an SLR camera. 

P.S.  If some of my blog posts seem repetitive, maybe it's just because it's constantly on my mind or something... No apology from me. :)