To Be A Child

I was in the playground on duty today when a young boy told me that he had a sore eye.  I squatted down so that I could look him in the eye and asked him to cover his eye and count to 10 which he did very easily.  I then "challenged" him to count to 20 and he proudly did that and I praised him and told him how clever he was.  He looked so pleased with himself, I told him to cover only his other eye and count to 50 which he did quickly and eagerly.  As I put one knee to the ground, I still had one knee up which he decided would be a good place to sit.  I  looked again at his eye and said, "Oh you're better now!" and he smiled and ran away to play with his friends. 

Sometimes when I see  TV shows that I watched when I was younger, it takes me back to that time of innocence and childlikeness and it makes me feel wistful and a little sad that we grow up and have our hearts broken and our minds are filled with so much more information and it's not all good.   I watched an interview on Henry Winkler the other day who found out he had dyslexia and now visits schools and writes books to encourage children to keep growing to be the best they can be.  We all grow up and as we step along the journey of our lives, we are affected by our personal experiences, our relationships and by circumstances that sometimes, we have no control over. 

Teaching children seems a very noble profession and there are times when we get to admire the innocence of young children, feel honoured to be able to influence their lives and recognise the responsibility we have to help them grow towards adulthood.  There are also other times when teaching is hard work and our feelings towards the child who forever seems to test our patience or who seems to constantly challenge our purpose in teaching is not quite so altruistic.  Today my students decided when we visited the school farm to do some weeding in preparation for our vegetable garden, that they would prefer to look for snails and feed them to the chooks rather than pull up weeds to feed them.  When a child saw a spider, the call would cry out and the children would drop their shovels, garden forks and whatever else they had in order to gather around and decide what type of spider it was, whether it was poisionous and whether or not it should be stepped on or fed to the ducks and hens.  (Admittedly, not ALL the children were thus engaged but I claim writer's licence which includes the right to embellish in order to engage the reader's attention.)

As we were going out of the classroom a boy saw the rings on my left hand and decided to question me: 
Are you married?  Yes, I was, but he passed away. 
How old was he?  Older than me. 
Was he 46?  No, because I am 46.  
Are you going to get married again?  Not that I know of. 
Do you think that all dogs go to heaven?

Seriously, that was the order of the questions he asked. 

When I teach, it would be nice to have a class full of students who sit quietly, listen, and are eager to learn and yet, the students I have now are typical of their age group and are still teachable.  And perhaps, I really wouldn't like perfect students after all.  Then I wouldn't be able to sing, "What will this day be like, I wonder....?"

So often I wish life was different and wish I could just cruise through life and have everything fall into place but as the quote says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."  Still, it hurts.  I feel sick and it's not because I am sick.  I feel like I am observing life around me.  I'm standing on the edge of the crowd watching people bustle by, busy with their lives, doing happy things, falling in love, having fun family vacations, getting on with their lives.   Sometimes it's hard to shake the loss, the grief and the pain and get on with life but I do. 

Speaking of doing, I have some work to do before bed and hey, I might even tuck into some chocolate while I work.  Thanks for listening.

Courage and Grief

It had been a stinky hot weekend with hot winds and sticky humidity and cool relief came only with an air conditioner turned on.  By Sunday night, people were hoping for a cool change but instead, the thunderstorms began while the air was still too warm.  I hadn't had a good weekend as I was stuck in the immobilization of grief, especially on Saturday.  I cried, wiped the tears away and cried some more.  I couldn't make the tears stop and as a result, had a headache and sore eyes.  Such is the nature of my grief.  I expected to fall asleep quickly on Sunday night since I hadn't slept much the night before but sleep eluded me. 

As I lay in bed listening to the wind squalling, the wind chimes that Dave's daughter-in-law had made for our wedding present danced and sang and I was thankful that a friend had made sure it was secured to the roof outside.  Dave and I had kept the chimes inside because we were worried that a gust of wind would blow it off a hook and smash the pretty glass.  The dog had stopped barking by 1am and I got up and had a couple of turns in Words With Friends on Facebook and tried to sleep again.

The thing is, I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to hope for and what to dream.  I keep seeing glimpses of the 'old' me, the 'before Dave' Carolanne and I keep waiting for me  to return but I have finally woken up to the fact, it's not going to happen.  Dave is a part of me and a part of who I am and he always will be so now, I have to find out what the 'new normal' is for me.



I read recently on Facebook:

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is a quiet voice at the end of the day.
Saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

For me, courage is getting up in the morning.  Courage is walking out the door to go to a brand new job, surrounded by brand new friends, in a brand new area and starting all over again while my heart is back at my home in the US with Dave.  Courage is making plans for the future, thinking outside the box and trying to figure out what I enjoy, what goals I want to make for the years ahead and trying to see a bigger picture without being focussed on just getting through the day.  Courage is doing all I can to get through this day.  Courage is being able to look forward to times spent with family and friends, even though Dave is not beside me.  Courage is what it takes to get through this journey of grief.

To be honest, I am sick and tired of grieving.  I want to be over it and sometimes I want to pretend that it never happened.  Dave and I used to talk about having our own private island and getting away from everything, starting completely all over again.  We wanted to go somewhere warm, tropical and relaxing.  I look at the 'getaway' vacations on TV ads and I scour the web trying to find a perfect, new lifestyle for me but I keep coming back to reality: Bills have to be paid and my life has to be lived on this earth at this time.

Last Friday, before I sent the students home I asked them if anyone had any horses that needed to be ridden or property that horses could be agisted on.  A student piped up that he had first cousins in Greece with lots of horses but I told him that was a little too far to go to ride.  Besides, if I was going to travel that far, I could just go back to the States and ride Dee and Stormy.  Still the thought of owning and riding my own horse again, had me browsing horsesforsale.com, trail rides, the outback and wondering when I really will have the motivation to start making goals and decisions.

I understand why people who have lost a spouse are counselled not to make any major decisions for the first 12 months of their bereavement.  I've had major decisions thrust upon me and sometimes I feel resentful of those decisions.  I wonder about the what ifs and wonder if I could have taken a different direction.  All that I am dealing with as a result of Dave passing away feels like loss heaped upon loss heaped upon change and I have to search through all that with a fine tooth comb in order to find the sparkling diamond that might be hidden in there somewhere.

Anyway, enough of cliches and navel gazing, I have school work to do and Words With Friends games to play.  (In case you're wondering, WWF is like a game of scrabble in Facebook.)  Hopefully my body will succumb to sleep at a reasonable time tonight so that I can function courageously tomorrow.

Dreams

Warning: This is a tear-jerker so have a box of tissues handy)

Since Dave passed away, I've had a lot of weird dreams and most of them don't make sense.  They're not nightmares but I often wake up from them, feeling unrested and a little perturbed.  When I have read stories of loved ones dying, the person left alive seems to have a moment in life when they felt the loved one has 'visited' them, because it's so real but I have never had that.  Sometimes I have wished for that to happen but Dave doesn't even always make an appearance in my weird dreams.  Such is the nature of dreams, I suppose.

The last few days he has been uppermost in my thoughts and yesterday, after the students had gone, a staff member popped in and shared how she'd been reading my blog, gave me a big hug and we both cried a little more.  I was glad she popped in and while she was there, another teacher popped in and wanted to stop and chat, too.  Being the sanguine I am, I revelled in it.  Last night as I was sitting at the computer playing on Facebook, I thought again of how much I wish Dave was still alive and no matter how positive and good my life is, no matter how focussed on the good things I am, there is still the constant awareness that he is missing from my life.

I woke up early this morning and checked email and then decided to go back to sleep again and had the following dream:

Dave was inside a building and a couple of my students were there and he was talking, laughing and teasing them.  One of the girls turned and saw me and said something to him, then he came down out of there and joined me, walking beside me and I was crying.  I turned to look up at him to explain to him why I was crying. 
"I miss you so much!  I wish you were still here with me" and he pulled me into a hug and didn't say a word.  As he hugged me, I thought that I still remember how it feels to be hugged by him and I still remember the feel of his flannel shirt against my face.  I knew he couldn't say anything because he wasn't alive so I just kept hugging him and crying.

I woke up crying.  As I went to hang up my clothes in the wardrobe, I wondered if, on the night he collapsed, I could have persuaded him from dying.  What if I had said, as he laid there with his head in my lap before the paramedics came, "Dave, do all you can to stay alive.  Please don't die!"?  Would it have made any difference?  But then again, I really didn't expect him to die so all I kept saying was, "I love you.  I love you so much." and he responded by squeezing my hand even tighter.  As they drove him away, I thought I would see him within the hour and that, although he would be ill and in hospital, he would get better.

Our home is up for sale and there are photos on the website.  (These are my photos, not from the website.)  I can not bring myself to look at them.  I know that the house has been improved, but this is his home, our home and now it's not our home.  As I showered this morning, I wished I could buy it but I know, that even if I could afford it, it would not be practical as my income is here.  Dave is gone and my home with him is gone.

And I can't stop the  tears falling down my cheeks.

Dave Pops Into My Thoughts

I was just sitting at my computer, playing Facebook games, working my way through the tissue box thanks to a cold my grade 3/4 students shared with me when, out of the blue, I wished Dave was with me.  I know I think about him, miss him and wish he was with me but this was an unexpected invasion  to my mundane thoughts that I had no control over.  As I pondered and thought about life with him, I figured that grief is like that.  I move through the day, thinking about rush hour traffic, paperwork, dishes, upcoming vacations and then, out of the blue, he pops up. 

But then again, after all the students had gone home today and there was only one other teacher and I talking in her classroom, I shared with her my story of Dave and I.  When I came home and was playing with settings and changing to the timeline on Facebook, there were photos, notes and snippets of Dave.  As I read of the engagement of a mutual friend, I wanted to share it and talk about it with Dave.  So I guess it's no surprise that even though I am thinking of other things, Dave would pop in unannounced to my thoughts. And it's not a bad thing and not even awkward, it's just there. 

As I look back on photos of my life with Dave, I try to figure out what my future holds. I wonder if I will ever own a couple of acres, a horse and have the country lifestyle that Dave and I wanted to have together.  I wonder if I will ever again, be in a place that I want to put down roots and call home, for the rest of my life and if I will, when?

In my life, I have an assortment of old and new friends, near and far away, but I still don't feel like I belong.  I belong to where I am at this moment in time but yet I come home to no one and when I make plans, it's just for me.  Despite having wonderful friends and making new friends, friendship groups, couples and families are already established and yet, I can't really complain as they also welcome me into their circles of friendship.  I will be flying with a friend up north to visit and stay with more good friends and spend a week or so with them and I had two new friends come with me to the farming  Expo last weekend.  There has not been any times when I have asked a friend to spend time with me and found myself alone. But I am alone and without Dave.

If Dave was alive, I would not be in this predicament but he isn't and I am. 

Changing the subject: I will be so glad when this silly cold is over and I can stop blowing my nose, my eyes will stop watering and I will not need to drink so much orange juice!

Adapt To Change

Adjusting and adapting to a whole new life, and without Dave is challenging but I am getting there.  The school I am working at is larger than I have ever worked at and although there are some things about teaching that never change, there are new routines and procedures that I have to learn, including the use of computers instead of paper.  Now, for those who know me, it's true that computers is something I can do and be good at but at the moment, there is the learning curve of using Excel instead of Word and crossing between word and excel for getting together my work program.  But it is do-able and I am adjusting as quickly as possible.  It does help that I am tenacious and a quick learner.

Discipline.  Yes, while my students need to be disciplined, so do I and I'm not referring to time outs (unless it's the chocolate variety), rewards, (although that would be nice too) or being growled at.  (Please, no!)  Living on my own and starting a new teaching job without many of the resources and aids that I used to rely on, means my work hours begin at 8am and finish when I go to bed.  Over the last couple of weeks, I would be working in the evenings and IF I ate, I would work at the same time.  My focus was on getting work done and when I started feeling ill by about 8pm last Tuesday, I realised that I had to stop that pattern.
      I have to make a conscious effort to take a break for meals, snacks or leisure.  Move away from the computer and do something different.  I also need to discipline myself to exercise and eat more healthily.  I figured that out after I put on a pair of jeans that were more snug than the last time I wore them a few months ago.  I'm going to try walking to school asap but at the moment, my car is also my delivery van and large school bag.

Attitude.  When I am on my own, it's a lot harder to check my perspective and attitude to things.  If I am overtired, I tend to exaggerate the negative and Dave is not around to tell me that I need to stop over thinking nor to tell me I'm doing a good job, at the end of a long day.  On Friday, I decided that I would go home shortly after 4:30pm and I would not do any school work at all and instead would go and buy the mini HiFi system so I could play my music when I was at home.  While I was out, I went to Office Works and Big W and bought stuff for school too but, resisted the urge to do school work.  I allocated time to do school work on Saturday and this afternoon, I went with a couple of school teacher-friends to the Seymour Alternative Farming Expo.  Right now, I feel refreshed and have a more positive attitude about school.

Procrastination.  I am very good at procrastinating.  Even though I said I would do school work on Saturday, when Saturday came I had to set up my new stereo and I put on music that was very distracting.  I love music and it does affect my mood, too.  In the end, there was no other alternative than to put on some classical music that I couldn't sing along with, nor be tempted to 'move' to.  Once I start doing something, procrastination isn't a problem. 

Teaching is a lot of fun.  I love my grade 3/4 class which is made up of 16 boys and 8 girls.  The boys are full of life and challenging but they are not devious and sneaky, just typical boys.  They want to play and draw, not read and write.  On Friday I changed all the seating around to see if that would improve their classroom behaviour.  We attend to the school farm chores on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.  The grade 3 students collect all the scrap food buckets from every classroom and office so that the chooks and ducks can be fed.  When the pigs come in a couple of weeks or so, they will be fed scraps too.  They are also fed pellets and wheat and a couple of grade 4 students have to clean out the 'ponds' and add fresh water, someone collects eggs and other students tend to the guinea pig and rabbits.  They will also have their own patch of vegetable garden to tend to, soon.

Change.  There has been a lot of change in my life and it's only been six and a half months since Dave passed away and four months since I moved back to Australia.  Like driving on the left hand side, some things come back to me naturally without too much effort but there's a part of my heart that is still back in the States with Dave.  I often find myself viewing things through his eyes and wondering what he would think of that, or what he would say about this.  Today I stepped on a piece of glass and pulled it out without realising how embedded it had been.  Blood dripped on the carpet and although I hopped up to the kitchen to get a tissue, blood still kept dripping out.  I went to the bathroom, sat on the edge of the bath and wished Dave was here.  I wanted to tell him about my day and about the Farming Expo.  The whole time I was at the Expo, I kept thinking about the time he and I went to the Spokane Fair in 2010.  Was it that long ago??  I compared that fair to the expo today and thought about the fun we had had together. 

Hope.  This morning I reread the post I made about "I knew I loved him but I didn't realise how much until he was gone.  (Sept. 14th, 2011)  Back then, it was 'raw' grief that I experienced.  It hurt so much and it consumed me.  Now it hurts in a different way.  When I wrote that, it was before the "living without Dave" and getting on with life had really begun.  It was all about Dave and now it's all about getting on with life without him.  It still hurts.  I wake up missing him and some nights I still cry myself to sleep.  But inside me, the hope is there that I will get through this and I can see by my actions, that I am moving forward.  It's funny but I can smile outwardly, have fun and yet, still hurt and miss Dave at the same time.  It's just not as obvious on the outside.

Anger.  Maybe that doesn't fit the tone of this blog post but I am sometimes angry that I can't be living my life with Dave and be in the States.  I try not to act out in my anger but I don't always succeed.  I even get angry at Dave for not taking better care of his health so that he could have lived longer and angry at God for taking Dave but leaving me behind.  I get angry that I have to adjust and adapt to so much change and wonder about the purpose of it all.  Just doesn't seem fair to me.

Nathan.  It seems fitting that I include my son in this catch-up post.  It's been great spending time with him and knowing that he's just a phone call away.  He has grown into a wonderful, young man and I am very proud of him.  Speaking of children, I also miss my step children.  I love being able to skype with Dave's youngest daughter and we catch up regularly.  I miss my step-grandchildren and see photos of them on Facebook and it makes me miss Dave and wish that he was here to see them grow up.  Niether of us will be around when our next grandchild is born in May this year.  :(

Growth and grief.  I 'guess' I am growing through this grief.  I am growing as I adjust and adapt to change.  I am growing as I learn new things and make new friends, as I teach new students and keep getting up in the morning to face the day ahead. At the expo, we stopped and watched a man riding a horse and showing off 2 horses, as they did tricks at his commad or gesture.  I thought of Dave telling me to work with my horse Dee daily so that I could get her to do tricks for me.  I missed Dave and I missed my horse.  Perhaps I could justify getting a horse to be part of growing in my grief. lol  Maybe some day. 

Enjoyment.  I do experience enjoyment and fun.  It is good to start seeing 'me' again and start doing the things I love doing and having fun with friends, old and new.  When the king and queen were here last weekend, it was good to relax and not have to bite back words that shouldn't be said, nor pretend to be 'over' my grief.  We could watch corny movies together, joke and talk about things without pretenses.  My sanguine temperament is edging it's way back into my life and it's good to be able to look back at my time with Dave, remember the good and bring some of my past, into my present or consider adding it in the future.  Perhaps that is how I honour Dave as I grow in my grief and learn to adjust to life without him.

Loving My New Class

Well, my surname is officially "Flowers" and recognised by all the government bodies now, not just a few so that's one more box checked and completed.  A few of the staff and even students, have commented on my name being "Flowers" and one of the teachers calls me that rather than Carolanne.  I like it!  There is a sweater/hoodie for the school being designed and a name/nicname can be put on the back so I'm thinking of getting one just so I can have "Flowers" on it. 

My class is going well and the students and I are enjoying getting to know each other.  One of the boys who was naughty last year tested me and tried to be defiant so I gave him lots of positive affirmation and commented when he had done something good. Last year he told a teacher that no one loved him as he often gets neglected at home due to 2 other siblings whose behaviour take up the parents' attention.  Yesterday when another student needed to go to the bathroom, I told him to take someone with him who was responsible and good and I named this boy.  As he was walking out the door, he looked at me with a big smile and said, "I wasn't good last year" and I shrugged and said, "Well you are now" and he was one of the first students in the class to get a sticker for having earned 10pts.

As we went and did our farmyard chores, I told the students that they were all my favourite.  One of the girl's asked "But what happens next year when you have new students, will we still be your favourite?"  We were using the tune from Sound of Music, "Good night" and making up words to sing instead of talking which was fun too.  Yesterday when we had our first show and tell session, they asked me to do one so, as I had a can of diet coke near, I told them that I drink diet coke and have done so for years.  One of the boys asked, "Can we give you a slab of diet coke for your birthday?" and I replied that chocolate would be better, as long as it wasn't caramel. 

We were revising nouns and started listing nouns in the classroom although I sensed they were getting a bit restless so I had them all stand and got them to sing, with the actions, "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes".  One of the 4th grade girls looked at me with a smile on her face, thinking I was joking, but then joined in, as did they all.  After all, heads, shoulders, knees and toes are nouns.

I am starting to feel a bit organised with filing and on Saturday will aim to get a good amount of my lesson plans for the term sorted out.  Tomorrow when I have some planning time, I will try to get the photocopying done for the beginning of the week so that I don't have to do that on Saturday.  The staff have been very helpful with lots of practical ideas and it's just a matter of remembering some of what I used to do as well as changing to a different format, what I am used to, too. 

This weekend I will be picking up some very good friends from the airport, the king and queen, and I am looking forward to their visit.  They won't be around on Saturday, due to another function which is why I can use that time for school work. I am also getting into a routine and aiming to get to bed earlier so that I can have more sleep.  I don't do well on lack of sleep and when I am overtired, I get overwhelmed and things get out of perspective.  I dwell more on the negative and sit on my pity potty crying that life isn't fair.  And while it isn't fair, there is nothing I can do about it so I may as well have a good night's sleep and be ready to face whatever the next day will hold.

I am thankful that close friends and family don't give up on me when I am hurting and don't walk away when I vent and say stupid things.  Grieving hurts.  Not having Dave around hurts so much but screaming at the world isn't going to bring him back.  Allowing bitterness and anger to seep in, immobilizes one from moving forward and blinds them to the other precious people/things in their life.

More New Changes Despite the Grief.

During the day I thought about how awesome it is to know that I have family and friends across the world praying for me as I had my first day with the students.  It was very reassuring.  The day went well although it was a bit chaotic with so much to get through and without a finalised timetable.  All of the teachers who are in my 'closest' vicinity of work, are friendly and very helpful with practical ideas.  They are encouraging and the 'daily organiser / curriculum co-ordinator' keeps reminding me that I don't have to have it all learnt by yesterday.  Last Friday when I was stressing out, Nathan said, "Mum, you're a very experienced teacher, why are you worried?  You can do this with your eyes closed". (paraphrased)

The thing is, I have to learn new routines, new IT skills, new names, new ways of doing things and working with a whole lot of new people. Yes, it is something I can do but it doesn't just effortlessly happen and it will take time to get used to all these new changes. I am thankful I am in this new environment and I keep reminding myself too, that this is the right place for me to be at this time.

Changes.  Yet again.

I gave Dave a small plaque and it is now sitting on my desk.  It says:

RISK more than others think is safe, CARE more than others think is wise, DREAM more than others think is practical, EXPECT more than others think is POSSIBLE.

At the end of this long day, nay, at the end of these long six months past, sometimes I wonder if I can last.  The distance, the grief seems to take it's toll on me, the lack of so much that once gave me security: Dave, a home, savings, a good night's sleep, stability... all is gone.  I RISKed more than what was safe when I left Australia to share my life with Dave.  I CAREd more than perhaps was wise and yet I loved him more thoroughly than even I thought possible and more than words can express.  I am not just saying that. I would have given my life for him and in a way, I did.  I gave Dave everything I had all wrapped up in love.  Perhaps marrying him and preparing to spend the rest of our lives together wasn't practical but it was certainly possible and yet, now it's all gone.

Change.  Again.

I am tired of change, tired of adjusting to something new and giving it my all, and then it is gone.  I want to be safe and right now I  know I am wallowing in self-pity.  Please do not tell me how much I have to be thankful for because right now all that is overshadowed by my hurt and tears and I don't need sermons from someone who 'means well' but has not been through what I have been through to preach the sermon they think I should hear.

I know that it will get easier as time goes on.  At least, I hope it does and when it does, I hope I have some time just enjoying the results of all the hard work that has gone on before.  Excuse my skepticism.  I loved Dave and wanted to have a great marriage with him and soon after he was ready to give his all to 'us', he was gone from this life. 

Last night I went shopping for some bits and pieces and as I got out of the car to put the garage door down, the little boy from next door ran up to me.  He scared me because I didn't hear him coming and when I turned around he was saying, "Hi!"  He has an intellectual disability and I had not actually seen him since I moved in.  He came up to me and put his arms around me and kept hugging me and telling his dad, "She is here.  Daddy.  Look!"  Anyway, 'daddy' kept trying to call him back but since I took a few steps towards him, he came over and we shook hands, exchanged names and then the boy allowed his dad to take him home.  As they left and I got into the car, I thought about how sweet it was to be hugged by a little boy who had no sense of worldliness, no pretentions and was happy to greet me because the world had not hurt him yet.

I need to go to bed and sleep and maybe in the morning I will feel a little better.  Before I go to bed, I need to save all "My Documents" on to a memory stick as I have lost the one I had.  Hopefully it will turn up because it had a lot of information on it that I would prefer someone else doesn't make use of.  Maybe I left it at school.  Pray that it does turn up.

Tomorrow I will be doing a yard duty on the oval and the 4th grade teacher advised me to remember my water bottle and my hat.  I forgot to take my hat today even though I'd left it on the door handle to remind me.  Oh well, even this job will become second nature to me too, one day.

Yes, it was a good day teaching my class and we will have a good year together.  It will definitely have it's challenges but my heart has always been to teach and train young children and it's something I do well. So many changes and the learning curve is great but hey, guess I will be 'stronger, stronger....' as time goes on.

Unpacking The Memories and Moving Forward

I rushed home from work last Wednesday, as the truck was arriving in the mid afternoon.  The students don't start until tomorrow so it was simple enough to take the time and I worked until after 6 that day anyway.  As they unloaded my things, I checked the box that was numbered and labelled.  They took the armoire (dresser/cupboard with mirror and drawers) and put it in the spare room as there is not enough in my bedroom.  I opened one drawer and tears stung my eyes as it contained a couple of Dave's shirts.  As the things were brought in, I had to quickly scan the items for their condition.  The coat rack is broken and the small bookcase is ruined.  I went back to school to finish off the day without opening any boxes.

When I finally got home, I had work to do so I limited myself to opening only a couple of boxes.  I unpacked our bedding from the cedar chest and remade my bed.  As I snuggled between the sheets that night, the smell of home and of Dave filled my senses and it was hard to sleep and yet, it felt good to be reminded of home.  I remembered how Dave used to 'complain' that the bedding was too light and yet we were always warm enough.  The next day I rushed off to work again.

There were so many meetings to attend that it was hard to get any work done and a lot of time was spent in preparing my classroom, setting it up and decorating it as that seemed to be a priority among the teachers.  Some of the meetings held were just for the new teachers to teach us about photocopying, security, computers and other technological pertaining to the school so were very important but again, took time away from actual lesson planning.  We also had the usual meetings on assessment, setting up student files, where to find teaching aids and so on.

By Friday afternoon I was quite stressed and wondered when I would get time to do some lesson preparation.  I had done lots of classroom set up and preparation but will need to get to school very early tomorrow before the students get there, so I can tidy up and do a few last minute decorative bits in my classroom.  Nathan met me at the school on Friday afternoon and helped me with cutting, laminating and pasting before we went home.  He couldn't understand how I, an experienced teacher, would worry about teaching the students when I've been teaching so many years.  

When we got home, we unpacked boxes and found the gifts I had bought Nathan for last Christmas.  He enjoyed opening them and especially loved the First Aid and Survival Kit.  Once he had that opened, he was so engrossed he no longer wanted to open any more boxes.  Unpacking our things was somewhat therapeutic and it was the little things that brought back the memories.  Like the mug I gave Dave which said, "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you." He loved that mug!  He also enjoyed the noisy toy of a man standing on an office chair and when you pushed the pencil, he would say office type comments like, "Where is my stapler? Who took my stapler!"  Both of those things he would show to anyone who came to visit.

I know I've said it before but Dave and I didn't have a lot of 'big', happy memories as our time was too short.  When I unpacked his lunchpail and opened the lid, there was a packet of his cigarettes in there.  I thought of opening the packet and lighting one up, just to 'smell' him again.  I have found places for many of the photos I had framed and in every room I go into  in my home, there are visible reminders of the times I shared with my husband Dave.  

I miss him so much and having our things, photos and visual memories are bittersweet.  I have finished unpacking and I feel more settled and organised than I have since Dave passed away.  I wish he was here.  I wish we had have had more time to make our home together.  Opening the boxes opens up the pain of losing him but it is part of the process of grieving too, so not necessarily a bad thing.  I still wonder though, that as the ambulance drove off that day and his eyes were locked on mine, did he know that he was going to die and was he trying to convey a message of love to me?  Well, for sure he was saying he loved me and that is something I don't ever doubt.

Tomorrow the students start and I think I am ready for whatever the day ahead holds.  I will pack my bag, my lunch and whatever else I need for tomorrow into the car before I go to bed tonight.  Usually I will walk to school but not on the first day, especially since the wind is howling and it might be raining tomorrow.  I did find my umbrella though which will be useful in days to come.

I feel sad that Dave isn't here to share this new beginning, this new chapter with me and I really miss him more than you can know.  I am feeling hopeful about this coming year with the school and my class.  The teacher in the classroom next to me has been very helpful, we are about the same age (I'm 2 months older) and we get on extremely well which is great.  When Nathan was helping me on Friday, he was complaining of being hungry so she got out some of her supplies that she keeps for her sons and fixed him a treat.  I am nervous about tomorrow because it's my first day with new students who I've only met once before and it's my first day teaching at a new school.  

I hope I sleep well tonight.  Since Dave passed away, I think I've had only about one night of really good sleep.  This week, with the new job, thinking about the classroom and also unpacking the boxes from home, my mind has been racing instead of sleeping.  I wish Dave was here to hold me close while I sleep and to be there in the morning when I wake up.