Nearly The 29th March

I know it's normal and natural to be thinking about how much I miss Dave as it's only a few days before his birthday and therefore, normal and natural to be sad about that but that doesn't  make it any easier.  The thing is, this will be the first time in 12 years that I haven't given Dave a birthday present and haven't wished him a happy birthday.  He used to comment that I shouldn't send presents over but it was my way of being there even though I lived across the world and my way of making an effort to make it a special time for him.

Birthdays have always been special to me.  It was the time when I was little that I could ask for something I wanted.  It seems that children get given gifts all year round but when I was younger, my parents couldn't afford to do that and birthdays were the day we were made to feel extra special.  Birthdays are a celebration of life.  As we get older, it's a time to reflect on what is important and thank God for the blessings He has given us.  When Dave used to tell me that birthdays weren't important, I would counteract with those comments and also because life is important and God gave us each day to make the most of and bless others with. 

I think another reason I am finding this time hard is also because when I look at photos of his grandkids online and when I talk to his family and friends, I am reminded of the promise I made him at the start of 2010 when we were first engaged.  Quoting from the book of Ruth I said,

     "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God… May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.“

Now that I am on this side of the world, when I look at those photos I realise that I am not a part of their lives as much as we had planned, dreamed and wanted.  And that hurts!  As I begin making a new life for myself here and making new friendships, I think about what I have left behind and it will never be the same again. I will never be the same again.  Dave and I will not be there when Dianne's first child is born and I will not be able to hold her newborn in my arms. 

Life is so precious and in the busyness and chaos of this world, as we rush to and from, here and there and as weave our footsteps in and out of others' lives, sometimes we forget to celebrate each life that we are touched by.  We forget to celebrate the life that God has given us and the blessings He gave us so that we can enjoy our lives even more.

Sometimes when I am lying in bed alone, I wonder if I am lonely.  I think about all that's happening in my life and then realise that I am not 'lonely' as in being single, but lonely as in being without Dave.  You may not understand what I mean by that but this is my journey and I am expressing how I feel.  I am lonely without the man that I was making my life with, whose dreams, home, family and life was ours to share.  It's nearly his birthday and I am thankful for his life and thankful that his life was interwoven with mine.  Two people who became one and his love and life with me, helped to shape the woman I am today. 

Chocolate cake for dessert on Thursday night because Dave loved chocolate cake and would always have a drink of milk with it.  I love Dave and I'm thankful that he was such a big part of my life!

Does It Matter Now?

I'm wrapped up in the blue snuggly blanket Dave gave me for my birthday in 2010.  He rushed home from driving after he'd been away almost 10 days and made it home in time to celebrate my birthday with me. 

This morning when I woke up I prayed that God would tell Dave how much I miss him and love him and I wondered if that would happen.  Does it matter to Dave now that I love him so much? 

When I grew in love towards Dave, I didn't realise how deep that love was until he passed away and now that I am trying to live here on earth without him, I'd give anything to be able to give him more of me, more of my love.

It's his birthday next Thursday and I wonder how I will deal with that.  I have asked friends to come and have dinner and a cake with me to celebrate his life with me because if he hadn't lived, I wouldn't have had the privilege of being his wife.  I wouldn't have had the experiences that I shared with him and I would never have loved in the way I did.  (and do.)  I wouldn't be the person I am today without him having been a part of my life.

Well, it's some sad moments but my friends who popped in this afternoon are popping in again this evening and I must admit, that over the last couple of days especially, I have been so aware of the beautiful friends God has placed in my life, including in my new workplace.  I am loved and I am prayed for.  I am so thankful for you.

The Rabbit Got Away

Today a rabbit got away but it shouldn't have.  As a child cleaned out the hutch, he left open the 'roof' and the rabbit took the opportunity for freedom and climbed/hopped out and ran.  Trying to tell twenty-two 8 and 9 year old children to be quiet, walk slowly, and be patient is easy enough to do but not all twenty-two of those children find being quiet, walking slowly and being patient easy.  Chasing the rabbit around the vegetable gardens, or more realistiically, gardens being prepared for vegetables, brought back to my mind the story of Peter Rabbit.  I really think that this bunny should be nicknamed Peter unless it turns out to be a Petra.  Anyway, he (she) hopped under the shed which was much too low for anyone to crawl under and although little beady eyes peered at the rabbit from both ends, the rabbit could not be cajoled to exit it's safe place.

Eventually I left behind four responsible students and the rest of us went back to the classroom to clean up, put away books, hand out notices and wait for news of the bunny's safe return to the hatch.  When it was not forthcoming and the bell was rung, those four students returned and were also sent packing.  It was decided that the grade four teacher and I would look for success after tutoring that afternoon.  Tutoring seemed long and the two boys left were restless and eager to check on the bunny so when the session ended, we walked quietly and slowly towards the farm, after one boy had received permission from his mum to come with me.

(If you believe that about the walking quietly and slowly, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.)

The bunny was out of it's hidey hole and resting beside the other rabbit's hutch.  The three of us tried to form a circle, move slowly and when we were within arm's reach, we'd try to grab hold of it.  I felt the softness of the fur as I tried to seize the rabbit but all I got were fingernails full of dirt as the rabbit hopped quickly away.  It found it's way back under the shed and I sent the other boy to get his mum as she had come to pick him up.  We managed to sit quietly and patiently and eventually the rabbit peeked out and finally one of my students caught him, held him firmly, put him in the hutch and closed the lid on that little adventure. 

And if my students read this blog, I would add "And that is how a recount is written."

At lunch time today, I sat down with another staff member, a cribbage board and a pack of cards and played.  It's been a while since I played in real life and I'm not sure Dave and I played it after we were married.  I enjoyed bragging about how good Dave was at shuffling cards and bragging about how it was Dave who taught me to play and laughing at how when I would beat Dave, he would put the game away.  I won the game at lunchtime today, which was also satisfying.  I know that Dave taught me to play well!

I am tired tonight so I'm thinking of going to bed early.  It's meant to be a cold night so I should have bought the electric blanket I was eyeing off last weekend but, oh well.  I've been reading a few chapters of Anna Karenina each night and I'm an eighth of the way through it and have enjoyed it, so far. 

I like being able to share my memories of Dave with my new friends.  He is a part of who I am and it makes me feel close to him.  It's sort of like wrapping a snuggly blanket around me.

By the way, plans for me to have a horse or go riding are not on the back burner just yet and some ideas are being bandied about to make this dream of mine become a possible reality. 
Just saying....

Blue Because of Dave

Today was the sports carnival and although it was very warm, it was also very windy.  Being in blue house, I not only got to wear Dave's blue TShirt but also the blue hat he used to wear for work.  It made me feel good to be able to wear both those things of Dave's but it also made me feel sad that he's not here to wear them anymore.  I told a couple of friends that I was wearing Dave's hat and TShirt and they understood how special that was to me.

As we drove in the buses towards the athletics fields, I  noticed lots of trucks and of course that brought back lots of memories too, especially since I was wearing Dave's 'trucking' hat.  Going with Dave on his trucking trips is probably one of my most favourite memories.  I had his undivided attention, it was just the two of us and we got in plenty of talking, listening and just the two of us being together.  I thought about the time we went over the Vantage Bridge to Kittitat, how we stopped to look at the wild horses monument and Dave stopped the truck so I could take photos of our first overnight trucking trip together.

As we got back from the trip, Dave commented that it didn't seem like work when I was with him and he made it clear that he enjoyed my company on those trucking trips.  It was an adventure for just the two of us each time we went together.  When we were trying to sleep in the confined space of a sleeper, Dave was complaining about the bed being hard and not enough room to move (literally) and I told him to pretend we were camping.  We stopped and ate good food at a trucker's restaurant for dinner and the weather was great the whole time we were away.

I thought about the people we met as we drove around from elevator to elevator and wondered if they ever thought of Dave and I again.  I know they probably especially think of Dave but that was a good time for both of us.  So thinking about that on the bus to the athletics carnival, I had to change my thoughts so that tears wouldn't fall.  It's not too difficult to change thinking with a bus load of gr 3/4 students! 

During the day I was on the long jump pit so I  and another staff member, had to measure, watch children jumping and record their results.  My hat blew off so many times, it probably spent more time in my hand than on my head and as a result, my face got a little sun/wind burned.  It was a good day.  The two teachers who organised the event did an amazing job and it went smoothly.  (At least from my perspective.)  To organise about 500 students doing track and field events and organise staff and then keep organising and watching to ensure everything got done in an orderly way took a mammoth effort and they did very well!!!

I had a good day and missed Dave at the same time.  I thought of him a lot and still wish I could be enjoying life with him.  Oh, and I think I probably will wait until I have my own place before I buy a horse.  If I buy a horse now, I would have to put it on someone else's property and pay them for the agistment and I'm not sure I would be all that confident about going to ride or visit my horse whenever I wanted to if it was at someone else's place.  Still, if one does happen to turn up and it all falls into place, I'm willing to change my mind.

He Is Always On My Mind

I know I am growing through my grief and the words "getting stronger" don't seem quite so cliched and frustrating. The strange thing is, as I move forward, I love Dave more and feel closer to him.  He is never far from my mind.  When I wake up during the night, I look for the bedroom door to get my 'bearings' in the dim light from the moon.  Once I have found the door and checked the time, I look for Dave's coat that hangs on one of the bedposts.  For some reason I find it reassuring to see it hanging there and then I roll back over to my side of the bed and think of Dave until I fall asleep.  I often think of how he used to hold me while we were sleeping but then that makes me cry so I try to avoid that specific thought.

When I wake up in the morning, my mind reaches back for the dreams that I had, to see what part Dave had had in them.  As I make my lunch and get ready for work, I think about how I used to make Dave's lunch as he got ready for work.  Throughout the day I'll think about things and wonder what Dave's perspective would be, what he would say and how he would respond to some of the challenges I face.  When I come home, I miss him then too.  It only takes a memory, a smell, a word or a thought to bring Dave to the front of my mind.  It feels like every moment Dave is never far from my thoughts.

When I make dreams and plans, I realise that part of what I dream is because of who Dave is to me.  I think about how he wanted to teach me how to run our property and he would encourage me to work with my horse, Dee so that I could be more confident in riding her.  He believed I could do it and that is partly why I believe that having a horse of my own one day, is a plausible dream.  Even when I face challenges at work, Dave believed that I could deal with it and sometimes he would give me a bit of timely advice.

Today, when I was at church, a lady was farewelled as she was moving interstate and I thought about Dave and I attending church together.  When Dave passed away, I could not bring myself to go back to our church without him.  Now I attend church without him and I find that difficult although today was a bit easier than the last time.  The sermon was about worship and how it's all about God and how we need to shout, sing, play instruments skilfully and dance before the Lord and not for anyone else. 

There's a lot of questions in my mind about Dave and how he thought and a lot of times I wished we could have done some things together that I now have to do on my own.  I don't mind being here in Australia but I wish he was with me.  I wish I could have opened up his life to so much more and helped him see how much more he could have enjoyed and experienced.  As I do the wii Fit program, I smile and wish I had have done it in front of Dave, just so that he could laugh and so that now, I could have had that memory.  As I was driving home, I thought about my future and realised that even though Dave isn't physically in it, he is still a part of it.  He will always be a part of it because part of who I am is because he was my beloved husband and because he was a good friend years before he became my lover and best friend. 

Life goes on and at the end of each day, I wish Dave was still with me.  I miss him so much but I am beginning to remember our time together with less sorrow and more thankfulness.  I still can't watch "The Proposal" as that was one of the first movies we saw together, was on the plane when I was going over to see him and was the DVD we watched before we went for the interview with regards to me getting a permanent resident card.  I do have the wii games and I think I would like to play golf because it was a game Dave and I often played together and competed against each other in.  It was 'our' game and we both were equal although, he would say he was better at it than me and right now, I would agree if only because I wish he was here to say that, with the twinkle in his eye and that mischievous smile of his. 

I love him so much!!

And now I cry again because I miss him so much.

Little Memories That Make Me Smile

Last weekend, I browsed the internet to see what rodeos were on, where some country music concerts were being held and what the weather would be like if I drove along The Great Ocean Road.  Since I was spending Monday with Nathan, I wanted to go exploring and do something  fun so I was excited to read about a show being held on Labour  Day at a place called Portarlington. 

As I got ready in the morning, I put on my Ariat boots.  When Dave and I first went walking, he suggested I get more appropriate footwear for the exploring that we were anticipating doing and the boots were also to use when I went riding. It may seem like a little thing to you, but when I got them out on Monday morning, one of the boots still had dirt from home, on the bottom of it.  At least it got through quarantine!  It was the first time I'd had the opportunity to wear the boots and I wore them remembering the reason I had bought them.  The dirt was a bonus! (This photo was taken at TumTum, WA when I first got the boots.)

I picked Nathan up and we drove out to Portarlington, only to find that the show had been held the day before and on this day, there wasn't any sign of the show, not even a stray bit of rubbish.  Nathan got into the driver's seat so that he could practise driving a manual car again and we drove off to a little town on the beach front, called "Queenscliffe".  We got out to walk around and saw a sign that said, "Used books" and we were compelled to enter the store and look around.  It was wonderful!! I bought Anna Karenina which I've never read before by Leo Tolstoy, The Complete Works of AB Paterson (Vol. 1) and 6 books in one of James Herriot stories, about a country vet.  Nathan found a book that he was extremely pleased with and we both agreed that the day had turned out well and we even thought that the bookstore might have surpassed what we could have seen/done at the farmer's show.

Weatherwise it was warm and sunny, with blue skies and the ocean looked beautiful.  We walked through the whole town, into different stores and stopped for a lunch at a bakery that served delicious food.  We saw a couple of old fashioned lolly (sweet) stores and as the afternoon drifted on, we went on to do different things.

  

It's been a challenging week at work.  As I've thought about it, I've realised that I am not facing any issues that I haven't dealt with before and yet, because I'm dealing with so many things, I wavered in my confidence and was uncertain about the best way to handle things.  One of the things I find hardest to deal with, is building up a good support network which is something I've always been privileged to have over the past years.  When I faced issues like these before, I had 4, or maybe even more, colleagues and friends I could discuss things with and whose advice or knowledge was sound and timely.  They knew me and could also factor that into their advice.  As one staff member said jokingly this week, I'm the 'newbie' and I am still building up relationships and trust with my peers.  Consequently, I can sometimes find myself floundering and waving my arms about, without feeling like I am standing on solid ground.  This is all part of the process of growing in the job that I'm at too and it's only temporary. (The being 'new' is temporary.. not the job. :) )

The athletics carnival is coming up and I'm in blue house and staff and students are encouraged to wear their 'house colours'.  Yesterday when I went shopping, I was looking out for blue tshirts but didn't find any I like so today I rummaged through the dresser drawers when I suddenly remembered the drawer with a few of Dave's shirts in them.  I pulled out his blue Tshirt.  Dave usually wore white Tshirts although he would also wear 'novelty' Tshirts I gave him such as, "I'm not opinionated.  I'm just always right".  The blue Tshirt I gave him and he wore it under the blue Western shirt I bought for him and at other times.  I will be able to wear it on sports day.  Again, it's a little thing, like the dirt on the boots that I bought to wear for walking/exploring with him, but it's a physical reminder of the life I shared with Dave.

Before I married Dave, I had purchased a Wii console and regularly used the wii Fit game to get and stay in shape.  When I moved to the States, I bought one there for that purpose but hardly ever took it out and used it.  Just before Dave passed away, he remarked that I was in better shape than when we were first married and perhaps he was right, but it wasn't due to using the wii fit.  He wanted me to use it so he could watch... and laugh, so I didn't and I guess, it just didn't ever seem that I needed to.  I  mowed lawns, rode horses and fixed fences and the wii fit didn't factor into my life.  Anyway, since I've been back in Australia, I've noticed that I haven't been careful about the type of food I eat, nor have I attempted to exercise and when I've gone shopping, the normal size for me has been a little snug although still fitting.  I bought the Wii fit game and set it up today.  It told me that I was just 'obese' and yet in great shape for my age.  Conflicting messages but I know the truth.  I am not 19 years 'younger' than my actual age and I am not obese.   I do need to lose weight and I do need to get into better shape. 

Tonight, I spent 10 minutes on the wii fit, and was sweating at the end of it.  I told a friend I was sweating like a horse and then I remembered one of my rides on Dee, with Nathan riding Stormy and Dianne riding Magic. (Before Dave passed away.)  As we were riding back, I noticed foam coming from Stormy's butt and I was concerned and found out that is how some horses sweat.  So no, I wasn't sweating like a horse.  I do wish I could ride again and I am looking out in case a horse falls in my lap but until that day, I'll keep exercising, reading, teaching and moving forward. 

The Edge Of Tomorrow

When I put on my "I Am Tough" Tshirt this morning, I knew that I wasn't feeling tough enough to face yet another day without Dave but as I have no choice about that, I hoped that the sentiment expressed on the Tshirt might find it's way into my heart and mind.  I took off for a drive in my Rav4 and as I rode along the made roads, I thought I should have taken a different direction and headed for either the mountains or the beach so I could get lost in the wonder of creation.  However, I stayed on the road I had taken, headed for the direction I had intended.  

Driving along the road, I was listening to Sandi Patty's song, "Edge of the Divine".

I'm looking over the edge,
I see You waiting for me.
Eyes open wide
Face to the wind
Your arms are reaching for me.....

From the edge of the divine,
I can leap into Your arms
And Your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall
Into everything You are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

I've spent too much time
Rehearsing memories and loss
That Your blood has covered but I....
I  must leave it all at the cross
Doubt whispers in my ear
Is it safe beyond these tears?
If I should fly

.... And You are enough
Yes, You are enough.

I went online to find the lyrics to the above song and saw a YouTube clip of Sandi Patty and she says, "Truly as I look back, it was the edge of the divine. My life would have looked so much different had certain disappointments not come.  Looking back I can see how God's hand was in all of that.  And it wasn't that He was saying no to my dreams. It was just that He had  already said yes to a dream for me that I couldn't see."

It seems that over the weekend, as I have struggled in my grief and hurt because of missing Dave so much, there's a part of me that knows I am also on the edge waiting for whatever is next that God wants to take me to.  Whatever? Wherever?  I also read a quote on Facebook recently that says, "You are never too old to set another goal or dream another dream" by CS Lewis.  I recently said to a friend that I don't know what to dream anymore and she replied, "You can dream anything.  The sky is the limit."

I remember when I was on the plane coming back to Australia from the States, the woman passenger next to me told me to list 10 things I want to achieve/receive in the next 12 months.  She had been through a divorce and a widowhood, had seen a lot of the world and when she was at rock bottom about 10 years before, someone had given her that challenge.  Part of me wants to dream, to think about what I really want in this life, part of me wants to keep hold of that which I can not have any more and a very big part of me is afraid to dream and risk being hurt again.

I was talking to my dad on Skype yesterday while I was watching Man From Snowy River.  (I paused it while talking to him) and then I was checking out horse sales and getting his opinion on owning my own horse.  He said that it was an expensive 'hobby' and needed to be something I was absolutely sure I wanted.  I counteracted with there are other hobbies too that are as expensive.  He said I could lose my money on a horse if it died and I counteracted with, people can lose their money on expensive cars too.  What it comes down to is am I willing to pay the cost (financial, time and otherwise) of having my own horse and owning a couple of acres? 

Over the years, I have developed an interest in helping children who need someone who they can trust and who will guide them and give them appropriate resources.  Dave and I had even talked about being 'foster grandparents' and opening up our home to kids so they could enjoy a place to run around, build forts, have a BBQ etc and then go back a little refreshed to their family homes.  He had the practical skills whereas I had more of the listening skills and together we made a great team.  I had also entertained the notion of studying further in that field.

As one of the quotes said in Man From Snowy River, "Things change" and while that is the understatement of my life, I still need to take a day at a time figuring out what dreams and goals to have, being flexible enough to start in a certain direction yet willing to turn around and head in the other, if necessary.  Another pertinent quote from that movie was, "Don't throw effort after foolishness."  As I look back over my life, I can see how God trains me today for whatever tomorrow holds and I know that while I am here now, He is preparing me for where I will be then and I just have to fall into the edge of the divine and fly... even beyond these tears.