Moving Along The Road I Didn't Plan

This morning I received an email from my favourite brother-in-law and he commented about my reflections of the 3+ years that I had emailed him about. Three years??!! It's hard to believe that only three years ago I was embarking on moving to go and live in the States and be married to my best friend, Dave. I was so excited and so happy! Only three years? It seems like a lifetime ago and so much has happened in that time.  Three years ago the future was bright, the future was going to be shared with Dave, we were going to make a new life together and go forward together, no matter what it took. We knew it would have it's problems but we also knew we could face and overcome them. We had no idea of what would happen in the next few years but as the words say in the song, "Beautiful":

So this missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me
You're not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had
My thoughts began to hear you
But one thing I know is true
I'll bless the day that I found you.

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again
Cuz it was beautiful
It was beautiful

It wasn't all easy but I loved him and still love him so much. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of him and I'm not sure there's a day that goes by when tears don't fall wishing he was still here with me. But I have to move on and forward and I take my memories of Dave with me wherever I go.

So three years later I stand upon a road that I didn't plan three years ago and couldn't forsee taking without Dave. I am moving interstate to go and take up a course at University that I have been thinking about doing for the last five years or so. I am going to aim for a Masters in Education and major in Guidance and Counselling. (for youth) I will study part time and teach on a casual basis and hopefully get a teaching job full time. At the moment my application to university is being reviewed and it might be that I will have to do other subjects in order to qualify for the Masters but the goal is still to complete my Masters.

With regards to teaching interstate, although my teacher registration is recognised and accepted, because I lived in the States for more than 12 consecutive months I have to do more paperwork in order to get an FBI/police clearance for my time there. Paperwork seems to be the bane of my life and I can't ever avoid it and there's never a simple quick fill in the blanks application form.

My furniture will be moved at the end of next week and kept in storage until I have my own place for it to be sent to. The removalist told me that it would be better if they could move it straight there but as my plans are to stay with my friend until I have a place, it is the way it has to be. The last time I packed was 16 months ago to leave the States. My husband has passed away only two months earlier and I was leaving my family and friends there, my home, and moving across the ocean to start all over again. My heart was not in my return to Australia although I knew it was the practical way to go. Every item I packed held significance for my life with Dave and when I unpacked to set up my home here, it still brought on the tears.

Now as I pack, although I know the future is before me and I am excited about what it holds, it also reminds me of the dreams Dave and I had shared that were unfulfilled. It reminds me of my great loss in losing my husband and my home but it also reminds me of what we shared together and I am thankful for Dave being such a big part of my life. It's hard to pack away memories and photos again but at the same time, I am looking forward to unpacking in my new home and feel like I am taking Dave with me.

The other day I was driving along and I heard the song, "Need You Now". No matter what I go through even though the future looks bright and it is exciting, the last few years have proven that we don't know what tomorrow holds and the plans we have, we need to give to the Lord with an open hand knowing that He alone knows the plans He has made for us. I know I have grown over the last few years and although some people think I am brave and intrepid, I know that I can not move forward without God walking alongside me. So I'm going to finish this post with the lyrics to "Need You Now."

Need You Now: (How many times)

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

Chorus

Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

Chorus

I need you now
I need you now

 

Change is Upon Me.... Again.

Change is upon me again
Hovering, pulling, pushing me forward
And although I want to ignore it, I know that I
Need to heed it's call, take hold of it and
Grow if I am to move forward and begin
Enjoying life and living once again.

Recently I had the privilege of travelling the Eastern side of Australia, from Melbourne, Vic to Dubbo, to Tamworth, to Coffs Harbour and Casino (all in NSW) to Brisbane/Gold Coast, Goombungee (Toowoomba), Sunshine Coast, Maryborough (all in Queensland) then south via Tamworth (again), Blackheath/Blue Mountains, Tumut/Snowy Mountains (NSW) and to Molyullah/Benalla (Vic) and home again. During that time, I swam in the sea, in the pool, saw views that words and photos can not capture the full beauty of, rode a horse, went on a boat to Fraser Island, took lots of photos, drank a lot of frozen drinks, went to Seaworld, Wet n' wild amusements parks, the Australian Outback Spectacular show, saw Les Miserables with friends, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, slept in my tent, drove my car 6,400kms and came back refreshed and ready (or so I thought) for whatever the new year might hold.

That trip will be something I never forget and I know that God used it to heal a lot of hurts in my life and bring closure to some things I have tried to block out of my mind but needed to open again so God could bring healing. It was wonderful to catch up with friends and renew the closenesss once more. With each friend I stayed with, I felt loved and encouraged and I knew that goodbye was really "see you later" which wasn't so bad. My friends opened up their homes and their hearts, shared their life with me and made me feel that I was valuable to each of them, as they are to me.

As I drove many miles, I thought of Dave often and wished he was there enjoying it with me. He would have loved it all as he too, loved being outdoors, loved swimming in the sea and riding through mountains. I missed him over and over again and cried more tears for the loss of our life together. In a way though, my grieving was positive as it helped me to remember the good times shared and remember the closeness we had together. It also reminded me of the person Dave was and why I loved him so much! I remembered the way he would touch me, the look in his eyes, the way he held me, his laughter and the life he had shared with me and taught me to love, too.

While on my trip, I also kept searching for teaching jobs but even the ones I found and applied for, were not given to me. I have to keep asking the question, "What now?" and keep wondering what do I want to do? If I could do anything, what would that be? Before Dave passed away, we were looking into what that might be and if I was to study further, what would I choose to study and I had started collecting information on courses and universities that might cater to my interests and passion. We thought that I could go and further my education while teaching and were taking steps to make that happen.

When I came home, I spent some time discussing my possible 'future' with my son Nathan and his girlfriend and they are very supportive and encouraging of whatever I decide I need to do. They are also very proud of how far I have come. So we made a list of some things I need to do today to begin stepping forward, but when I woke up this morning, I lacked motivation.  I pottered around, heard the school bell ring and thought of all my friends who are gainfully employed today and thought about the fact that here I am alone, unemployed and needing to start all over again. Nathan said to me yesterday that I need to re-invent myself again and I wondered how many more times I  will need to do that. I am tired of moving, tired of starting all over again and tired of being on my own.

On the other hand, I know I have nothing to lose and that my next step forward will be a step in settling down and putting down roots again. I know that God does have a purpose for my life and I know how richly blessed I am with love of friends and family.  Even today, one of my friends from the States, wrote to tell me some news and tell me that he and his wife were praying for me. When I told him how I was feeling, he wrote back and simply said, "I love you, too Carolanne." which made me cry all over again but in a good way. People don't realise how hearing those three simple words can mean so much from family and friends.

When I was at the Tamworth Country Music Festival, Steve Messer and Strange Country sang a song and the words of the chorus said, "Take care of your heart but always leave room for love."
So until I know what I must do, I  will keep pushing myself to get out of bed each day and to take one step forward at a time. I will also keep in mind that I need to take care of my heart but always leave room for love.

Happy New Year! 2013

Happy New Year!

I did not see the new year in but I woke up and it was January 1^st 2013.

As I look back on 2012 I can say that I give a sigh of relief that it’s over. It was a challenging year, lots of tears, heartache and a lot of questions. Nearly every day I would get up and go through the motions hoping that eventually I would ‘live’ again and want to get up.

I know that God is good all the time and that He has remained faithful throughout 2012. He has walked beside me, holding me and carrying me when I had no strength to get up and go on. He has provided me with everything I needed including people who loved me even when I was unlovable, people who understood that I was hurting even though they couldn’t fully comprehend the pain and He has given me joys and surprising moments of laughter to brighten up the bleak days.

I have no idea what 2013 holds! I don’t have a job or even the prospect of a job as yet but I have saved enough money and God provides so that it is not a major concern yet. It means I can take some time perhaps to refocus, explore a little, take time to grow and learn to live again. I pray that as the days unfold, God will make His purpose in my life known to me.

Thank you for your continued love, support and prayers. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I am all prickly and irritable. I pray that God will continue to bless you in 2013 as you see His will in your life. I know that God is faithful and He loves us so much that it is beyond our comprehension. No matter what happens, God is good ALL the time!

Too Much

I  am going to start this blog post by apologising to anyone who might have been personally offended by what I wrote in my last blog post. It was not an attack on you, it was an honest sharing of how I have felt in the midst of my grief at this Christmas time. In fact, if I ever refer to people in a general  way and/or comment on their negative actions, it is not people who read my blog or of any of my close friends or family. I am so aware that you love me and are praying for me and very appreciative of your support. I deleted that post which is probably why those who get the blog emailed, got an 'extra' one from last June. I don't know why it sends out an old post when I delete a recent one, I just know that it does.

Last night I sat down to watch a movie with my friend Danni and we ate some of the chocolate stash I have on the kitchen counter. There is still too much so I will take some to my side of the family's Christmas party. Coming from a large family (I am one of 6 kids) means that it should make a sizeable dent into how much gets eaten. The other day, I gave a box of chocolates to another friend who had invited me for lunch and she gave me one for a Christmas present. It seems that the more I give, the more is given back to me.

The movie Danni and I watched was one that Dave and I had enjoyed together. It's an action movie called, "Taken". It seems that as the time draws closer to Christmas, I am constantly remembering times that Dave and I shared. Someone will make an off-hand remark and I'll be reminded of something Dave said or the way he would look or words that he would say. I still miss him so much and now that next year is so uncertain as I don't know what I will be doing, I have more time to reminisce.

The Christmas tree is up and presents are under it, including presents that my sweet step-daughter sent over to me for Nathan, his girlfriend and me. She sent some BBQ flavored pork skins which is one of her favourite treats and not something one can buy here. I have almost finished preparing the house for Christmas. I want to put on the Christmas table cloth that I bought for our table at home a couple years ago. As Danni sat on a couch, I picked up items that were scattered around the living room and explained to her what the memory was associated with each item. I showed her one of Dave's favourite mugs that I had bought him that said, "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

Today I feel a little empty. I am trying to get excited about Christmas and all the hype and good family times that go with it, but I am also just going through the motions of what it would look like if I was excited. There's a part of me that hopes the feelings that I should be having will come but another part of me that knows life will never be the same again. I know that I have much to be thankful for and I know that God has given me family and friends who love me and are praying for me. But it still hurts so much! I just want Dave to come and hold me the way he used to. He would hold me so tight while he slept through the night and sometimes I would lie awake just enjoying being held by him.

I know the meaning of Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus. I know that He is faithful and walking beside me. I also know that He is holding me and that He understands my heart, loves me unconditionally and wants what's best for me. Everyone talks about 'the new normal' as though it is neatly packaged and comes to those who wait patiently. It is still hard for me to know what the new normal is, what my life will be like and in fact, when I can get on with my life and have a job and a home, a place to put down roots. I don't like being in this uncertain, holding place. I don't like not knowing what I will be doing next year and I sure don't like hurting this much. I plod through each moment, going through the motions, hoping that there will be some purpose for me, soon. (Yesterday would have been nice!)

Do not be offended by the words I use to describe my pain. It is nothing personal. I know the words you speak are meant to be reassuring and are said with love and kindness but right now it is not words I need, just love, understanding and perhaps a hug.

I do hope you have an enjoyable Christmas and that 2013 brings you the richest of God's blessings: His unconditional love and grace, His peace that passes all understanding and His joy and hope for whatever you encounter in the new year.

Thank you for your love, support and prayers for me. I value you.

Live Life

There's a lot happening at this time of year and memories, thoughts, reflections run through my mind at a thousand miles per second. Sometimes I can make sense of things but when there is no making sense of some actions and thoughts, I choose how I will respond. On an application form recently, it asked if I was optimistic and I replied, "I choose to be optimistic". It would be so easy to get caught up in the pain or to dwell on uncertainty but that doesn't move me forward. I am learning that it's OK for me to cry and be hurt and acknowledge my disappointments but after that time, I need to make a choice to take a step forward without allowing the disappointment to become bitterness.

Yesterday I was in the bush and enjoying the peace and I felt like I belonged there. All the cares of the world were somewhere back on the bitumen road, not here on the dirt track with the river running over the rocks, the birds singing, mosquitoes buzzing and the rustling of the long grass that might have been a snake or just merely the breeze. I got out of the car and looked along the banks of the river. I saw trees with their roots reaching down to the water and I was reminded of Psalm 1.

Blessed is the one.... whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on His law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

I went to an interview and they asked me the usual "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" question and although I balked, I answered honestly. The thing is, my life in the past many years has not been my plans. Maybe I got to make a decision in some of my circumstances but those things can change so whatever plans I make, I need to make with an open hand and realise that I don't and can't, have control over everything. I did tell them though that my 'ultimate' dream is to be working with children and also to have a couple of acres, my own horse and be able to go riding whenever I had the time. The principal thought that sounded like a good plan.

I've been reading a book called, "Love Does" by Bob Goff and he wrote this:

I think God's hope and plan for us is pretty simple to figure out. For those who resonate with formulas, here it is: add your whole life, your loves, your passions, and your interests together with what God wants us to be about, and that's your answer... We're God's plan and we always have been. We aren't just supposed to be observers, listeners, or have a bunch of opinions.... Tell me about the God you love; tell me about what He has inspired uniquely in you; tell me about what you're going to do about it..."

As I've been reading that book, it's challenged me to live my life as the person God created me to be. It also challenges me to take risks and not get bogged down by disappointments. The other day I received a call saying I didn't get a job that I had been hoping to get and I cried for a bit but then I got online and searched for another job. Instead of just filling out an application form and posting it, I got in my car and drove to the town to look around. I wanted to make sure it was a place I would be happy to live in and I must admit, I loved it. It was a rather spontaneous  thing to do and I met a few people who were surprised by my actions but I was glad I did it. The longer I stayed by the river, the more I felt at peace with God, with me and with whatever my future might hold.

Sometimes I think we speak cliches and words that are meant to reassure but the words come easily because we've heard them before and we think that's what we are supposed to say. When we meet people who have wrestled with God, who have had their hearts wrenched about and have felt the pain of life because they've got involved and taken risks, we are more apt to listen to them and yet, they often don't speak out loud. We 'hear' their encouragement as they walk alongside us and love us.

We often try to fit God into neat little cliches too but He doesn't fit. Sort of like the Incredible Hulk breaks out of his clothes, God breaks out of the box and does things that are way beyond our imagination. He loves us in a way that makes us gasp in amazement. I remember one time, Dave and I were walking through the woods near Mom and Dad Flowers' home and I was pointing out the beauty of the mountains, remarking on the deer we saw watching us, being amazed at the salmon fighting to get home, the beaver marks in the trees and the river running past the walking track and Dave said to me that he was used to those things so took them for granted. Sometimes that is how we are with God. We limit Him because He's always been there, in the church, in our programs, in our words and we forget just how amazing and awesome He is!

Today, there are people in mourning as a shooter killed young children and teachers in a school. There are tragedies and circumstances we have no control over but we can choose how we will live today and how we will respond to God and the people He has put in our lives. Even while the tears are still drying and the pain is easing a little, we need to make a choice to move forward, live and love, knowing how valuable yet fragile, life is.

Keep On Dreaming

Sometimes life is not easy and sometimes it hurts. If you are a regular reader of my blog posts, you know it's been a challenging year for me in so many ways but I hope that I have made it clear that God has walked alongside me every step of the way and not once have I felt alienated from Him, not once have I doubted his unfathomable love for me or wondered whether or not He would provide me with what I needed. Constantly, I have been aware of His blessings and there have been glimpses of sunshine no matter how bleak the day.

Lately it seems that I have been skipping through life and trying to move on, almost to the point that I pretended that the last sixteen months hadn't happened and that I hadn't been a widow for longer than I was married to my beloved Dave and so I wore a smile and chose to ignore the hurt, the love and the loss that was mine because of Dave. Last week, as changes began to close in around me, as sleep eluded me and Christmas highlighted my loss, I began wishing I could crawl into my bed and wait for time to pass, until the time when healing and normality had returned to my life.  The students finished school on Thursday and on Friday morning, I mentioned something in passing to Bonnie and she was quick to perceive that maybe my smiling facade of strength wasn't holding up so well.

I went to my classroom and sat at my desk trying to fight back the tears when a colleague came in and asked about dictionaries. I kept my eyes averted from his face and pointed out where they were and I kept the tremor from my voice when I said we needed new ones in the classroom. As he left, Bonnie came in. She understood and she cared. She reassured me that it was normal and natural to feel like this. Over the weekend, when I had time to myself, I measured my losses and counted my blessings and faced the facts. It hasn't been easy but as the song says:

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One

Even if the healing doesn't come.

I expect healing to come and I know God provides all that I need. The first verse of that song says:

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
 

I trust in God and who He is, with everything I am.

The good thing is that I think I am more patient waiting to hear about a job than my friends  and family are. They want me to be settled and be able to move forward, nearly as much as I do. I know I have a lot to give and I am looking forward to giving and putting my heart into the next chapter of my life. I am thankful for the year I've had. I have made some new good friends, taught in a challenging class and loved each one of my students. I've made lots of good memories and I have grown through it all.

There is another song I have on my iPad called, "Even if it breaks your heart" and the lyrics are:

Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

I have realised that I can choose to either dwell on my pain and loss or I can keep on dreaming and be positive. It might break my heart. I had dreams with Dave which are now unfulfilled dreams, that will never happen. There is a time to cry, a time to grieve and a time to acknowledge that it hurts and I don't have to pretend otherwise. At the same time, I want to keep reaching foward, keep on dreaming and hold onto the hope that some of my dreams will get better and will be fulfilled. But even if they don't, God is good, faithful and forever. He knows me so well that He knows who, what, when and where, is best for me.

Sunday in December

It's been a wonderful weekend and it's not quite over yet.  Nathan is still here and I am enjoying having him around!

This morning Nathan and my housemate came to church with me and it was so good to be able to worship with my son standing right next to me. The sermon was good and was based on Acts 2. An interesting thing the pastor said was that the people responded to the Lord's invitation. They didn't meet together or do things so that they could have the Holy Spirit in their life. They responded to the Holy Spirit being in their life. It is all about relationship.

Once again I heard one of my favourite songs and tears softly fell. The chorus is:

You are the God who lives,
You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us
Offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
How true those words have become in my life!

After church we went and had lunch and headed down to the beach. It wasn't a beautiful sunny day but one of my colleagues / friends from school was getting baptised in the ocean and I wanted to be there for her. It was such a joy to witness her baptism and the baptisms of people from her church. The first lady to be baptised was over 80 years old and she hadn't brought any warm clothes and only a hand towel, so Nathan went and got my picnic rug from the car and took it and wrapped it around her after she came out of the cold water. He said to me, "Mum, she's such a sweet, cute old lady".

Nathan drove my car so that he could get more experience driving a manual. He got stuck at an intersection, stalling every time he took the handbrake off (it was on a hill) until finally I asked him, "Do you have it in first?" Oops. Well, that's the way to learn I guess.

I went and caught up with two of my favourite colleagues at school as I had to print out the last subject of my reports and then Nathan and I went shopping for a star to sit on the top of our Christmas tree. Tomorrow is Orientation Day at school which is a day all the students look forward to as they find out who their teacher will be next year. I am so thankful to have my reports completely finished and I am pretty much prepared for this coming week.

It's going to be a good week tinged with a little sadness as the school year ends and goodbyes are said, books are packed and we all move forward to the next chapter.