Packing Boxes

This year our Christmas tree was a moving box and not even packed, at that! Surrounded by boxes filled and waiting to be filled, I was not feeling like I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Stores were crowded and as Christmas loomed closer, I stayed home rather than be jostled around aisles by busy shoppers or be frustrated by cars that turned without indicating and aggressively squeezed their metal bodies into spots other cars were waiting for. T'was two nights before Christmas when I made up my list of "Why I don't feel like celebrating". I had the attitude that who cares if I've been 'naughty or nice', I think I deserve some peace at this time of year. I went to bed wanting Christmas to be over, boxes to be packed and everything to be 'settled'. 

As I waited for sleep to fall, I did some thinking. (Shock. Horror. I know. Not a surprise.) I decided that I needed to bring Christmas into my home and needed to change my attitude and so the morning when I got up, I cleared the kitchen table of packaging tape, documents and receipts, other stuff, Christmas cards and shortbread biscuits. I dug out the Christmas tablecloth, wrapped presents and placed them on the table. It was amazing how doing that, helped me to get excited about Christmas and helped me take stock of all the reasons I have to be thankful at this time. Christmas lasted a few days and we chose not to pack boxes over that time.

Now we are back into the mode of packing boxes, memories and dreams and sorting through the stuff that we want to keep, need to put bubble wrap around so it doesn't break, give to someone else who would find it more useful and/or throw out the bits that are broken and useless. Yes, I am talking literally and figuratively. It is an emotional time for me as I sift through all of my stuff collected over the years. I found a letter my mum wrote for me just after my son was born, I found my son's first attempts at a signature when he was 5 years old, a little teddy bear a past student had sewn up for me, memorabilia of when I taught (and was head of campus/then principal) for a total of 7 years at a small Christian school, photos of my time in the US, as well as letters and cards from people who love me. All of those things brought back memories of times of hopes, plans and dreams. There have been tears and smiles and those memories are also poignant reminders of how dreams were not fulfilled.

I am so thankful for how Andy has supported me over these last couple of days. At times, he has packed in a different room to give me space and other times, he has talked with me as I deal with the churned up emotions and memories. He has sat close and listened and he's gone outside to throw a ball with Milly or to sort through some of the storage boxes we've kept outside. I found a few of our wedding photos and showed them to him and he replied, "We looked so much younger then!" It will be our 2nd year wedding anniversary on the day that we leave here and go to our next chapter. I laughed and admitted that we did, or maybe we looked more relaxed and ready for whatever our future held.

It's quite exciting to see how this next chapter of our lives has fallen into place. I applied for a job at the last minute and after an interview, was accepted for the position with some enthusiasm. After a very relaxing holiday, we drove up to the new area we'll be, looking for a place to rent. During that time, the removalist company called and asked us hypothetically, whether we could move a week earlier than planned. 

Slightly panicked, Andy called the minister as his phone number had been given to us by our home group leader here and we were invited for dinner and reassured that if we had to come up a week earlier, he could arrange for someone to be there when the removalist came so that we could still fulfill all our appointments here. Another couple were also at dinner and they are going to be my colleagues at my new job. They all told us what the area was like and Andy felt much reassured. The removalist called the next day as we signed the forms for our new rental place which we like a lot and told us that we would still be leaving on the original day, not a week earlier. 

So, in between packing boxes, getting rid of stuff we don't need and wondering what the new year will bring, we also get to celebrate the new year beginning and farewell the wonderful friends we have here, go to our dentist who we both like and might have missed except we were told the dentist to where we are going is that good too, I get to have nuclear treatment on my thyroid and hopefully, we can book in to see my hairdresser one last time too. She did say that she'd be willing to fly up to do my hair if I paid for her flight ticket. 

The thing about leaving that is hardest is having to say goodbye. On Christmas night, we went to my friends' home. Sharyn and I have been good friends for almost 30 years and we have proven that distance doesn't break friendships. For all of the time we've been good friends, we've only lived geographically close for about one fifth of that time but I still remember when I walked into their home 3 years ago (almost to the day) that it felt like coming home. Facebook, email and phone make it easier to stay in contact and Andy and I will always have a home where our loved family and friends can have a place to stay.

As we head into 2016, we look forward to the next chapter of our lives. Just like any chapter, it will have its ups and downs, hard times and good times, be full of laughter, love and fun. Let's hope that there is more of the latter and less of the challenges! For you and for me! 

Ahh... The serenity of it all!

Each Day Has Enough Trouble

Earlier this week I wrote a list of all the things that were worrying me and keeping me from sleep. The list was relatively long and I tried to ignore the Bible verse that kept going through my head, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." We're now at the end of the week and some of those 'worries' can be crossed off the list while some are still waiting to happen and getting more worrying with time.

Change once again, is imminent. Once again I can claim that things haven't worked out the way I first planned for them to happen and once again, I have to deal with loss and saying goodbye to people who have touched my heart and life in their own unique way. Yesterday, it was time to say goodbye to my students and many of them were crying. One girl hugged me and sobbed, "Why do you have to leave?!" At the end of the presentation night, one of my friend's brought her daughter who was crying, to me. I reminded the girl that I had said goodbye to her family 7 years ago, hello to them in a new state 3 years ago and that who knows, but that we might meet up again in another 4 years time. 

As I move forward to another new school and a new place to make our home, I do have mixed feelings. On the one hand I have some great friends/colleagues to work with and I really have had the privilege of teaching two of the best classes I have ever had in the 20+ years of teaching. On the other hand, it's a fresh start in a beautiful environment where I am valued and the way things have fallen into place, has been encouraging. I received an email from the new principal today, about the plans for next year (sent to all staff) and then one from the head of primary welcoming me and giving me an overview of Term 1 and the year ahead. 

The staff and board gave me a wonderful present that I am looking forward to using: It's a double hammock with a frame. The friendships I have made among the staff are very special and I kept telling them they are always welcome to come and visit and try out the new hammock. As I talked with one of my peers today, she reminded me that there isn't a Bible verse that says, God will only give you what you can handle. She said, "Quite the contrary; God gives you what you can't handle so that you learn to rely on Him. If you could handle it, you would have no need for God."

We got the quote for our removalist today and it's going to cost a little bit more than we expected but it's still worth it. In about ten days time, we will go and inspect some possible rentals that are close to the school. The other night at squash, a guy who was on my team a couple years ago turned up although he hadn't been around for ages. We got to talking and I told him we were leaving and where we were going. He had lived there for four years and told me some of the places where best to look for rentals and some of the places to avoid. He also gave me his phone number and said that if I need to, just text him and he'll tell me about the area I might look at. Andy then asked him if he had liked living there and the guy said that he absolutely loved it! 

So we'll go on a holiday for a few days and then begin packing for the next chapter of our life. I know Andy will find it hard to move to yet another new place and start all over again but together, we can do it. Sometimes it's like having a bucket, throwing in the hard and the good, swirling the bucket around and mixing it all together before pouring it out over me. It's a shower of blessings, love, friendships, goodbyes, challenges and adventure. It's about taking good memories of now to a new place where good memories can also be made. 

Sometimes though, I still want a taste of a 'boring, normal and unpredictable', if only for a moment.

I also want my sore throat to be better, to cough less and to go and enjoy a relaxing and refreshing holiday. 

Be like Milly and leap forward with excitement! 

Just Briefly

What about change?
It isn't rare
I've had enough
Now I want to share
Can't you see
I want to stay
But it's just time to move again
What about change....

It's a heat wave here at the moment and Milly is conked out on the floor, Andy is reading quietly beside me, the crickets are a-cricketing and I'm tapping at the 'puter keyboard, feeling somewhat overwhelmed but mostly having a lot of mixed emotions. It's almost the end of the school year and in fact, in two weeks time, I will be on holidays and finished work at the current primary school I am at. I've finished writing student reports and am also preparing for the Grade 6 graduation evening. Within the next two weeks, I would have attended the end of year presentation night and the staff Christmas break-up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the class I've had this year and the one I had last year, are definitely two of the best I've ever had. It's been a real blessing to share good times with them, watch them grow in their learning and maturity, as well as walk alongside them through tough times and good times.

Change is imminent yet again (she sighs) and I make plans, once again, with my hands (somewhat) open to the fact that plans do have a way of changing. Andy and I are about to move further north to a warmer climate and closer to the beach, as I start at another school, teaching Grade 3/4 in 2016 which I will 'love' according to the new principal. 

I am looking forward to the new position, the new people I will be friends with and my new environment.
I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the people who have meant so much to me over the last couple years. You would think that by now, I had this down 'pat' but I don't. I was listening to a few of my grade five students talk about next year, before they knew I was leaving, and I almost cried. 

I know this is for the best and there's a part of me that wants to be 'there' now but I think that might be because I would prefer to skip the packing, the removalists, and the goodbyes. 

Two more weeks.
A lot of unpredictable things could happen in two weeks but I hope not. 

I'm Not Lucky

I've heard people say over the last couple of years, "You're so lucky" and those words make me cringe. 

Definition of lucky: having or bringing good fortune

2.

happening by chance, esp as desired

I don't believe things happen by chance  nor do I sit around waiting for something good to happen. I've had bad/sad things happen to me that weren't of my doing. I've made decisions and most of those decisions have had good or bad consequences. I am not responsible for the actions of others but their actions can also affect me.

At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013, I headed north to go on a road trip by myself. I was away for 5 weeks and visited places that I'd heard of and wanted to see. I didn't see any point in waiting for things to happen or waiting for someone to come along and travel with me. I visited Dubbo Zoo, Coffs Harbour, Country Music Festival at Tamworth, Wet n' Wild, Frazer Island and other places. I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, spent a day reading, rode a horse in the Blue Mountains on Australia Day and visited friends at the Snowy Mountains. I learned that I can do things by myself and I got to see bush, beach, mountains, country and city. I didn't do that trip by chance. It was a decision I made.

I've had hard times, grief and loss in my life. I've cried tears and felt anguish and wondered if life was worth living. I  know what stress feels like and I know what sadness is. It's not always my choice to go through loss. I didn't choose for my mum to die of cancer, I didn't choose for Dave to die after only 13 months of marriage and sometimes others' decisions have caused me hurt and pain. How I respond to those times is my choice and sometimes, choosing to acknowledge that I'm hurt and that I need to take time out is a good decision to make.

Last weekend, it I celebrated my 50th birthday (which isn't until the 8th October) with my friends and my son, Nathan and his wife. There, with me, was Andy, who actively looks for ways to serve me and show kindness. My friend Sharyn, of 28 or so years was there and there were friends who we've only just started to get to know. I am very blessed to have such beautiful and loyal friends. Perhaps I am lucky? I am thankful for the people and blessings in my life. Sometimes I might grouch about having to "begin all over again" for the umpteenth time, or might wish for more stability in my life, compare myself with others who have lived in the same place, with the same family, for more than half their life but I know that I have experienced, endured, enjoyed and embraced (at times) life. I choose not to live with regrets about decisions I have made.

I remember years ago, mum sharing with me about how someone had told her she was lucky. She told me that person had no idea of the trials and pain mum had been through in her life and only saw today's 'product'; who mum had become because of all she'd experienced. 

Perhaps I am more like my mum than even I had known and I am thankful for the example she had set for me. 

I'm going to continue to celebrate my life and be thankful for the gifts/people God has brought me. Lucky? No. Blessed? Totally!

Just Do It

Andy has gone to watch the football grandfinal in town and as they played, he texted me to let me know his team is leading but it's like watching a "country town final". While he is out, I have my music going and because he told me to and because I know I need to, I'm taking it easy. Right now the song playing is, "Why can't a woman be like a man?" from "My Fair Lady". 

      Why can't a woman be more like a man?
     Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
     Ready to help you through any mishaps.
     Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
     Why can't a woman be a chum?
     Why is thinking something women never do?
     Why is logic never even tried?
     Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
     Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?

I have had male friends tell me that I do too much thinking so obviously I don't fit all of 'enry 'iggins song. On the other hand, how do I straighten up 'the mess that's inside': the stress I feel, the niggling worry about what the future holds and what I should do to plan for an uncertain future, wondering how friends and family from afar are dealing with life, missing parts of my life that was in the US, missing friends and family, making the most of every day but knowing I fall short of what I could be doing, wondering how to "be" the best me I can be. And then I remind myself of what I was told not long ago but a wise man, "Carolanne! Why do you raise the bar so high for yourself and yet willingly show grace to others?! No one can make that bar, not even you!" I looked at him and replied, "But I should know better. I need to set a good example." He kindly replied, "You need to take the bar down, Carolanne."


Andy  bought this pink T-Shirt for me, not because it's a Nike T-Shirt but because of the slogan, "Just do it". For the last five weeks or so, there have been times when I've just had to put one foot in front of the other, or swim one more stroke or even, just put on work clothes and begin another day. One thing I notice though, is that no matter how hard it might be, there is always a surprise, a blessing or something that helps to bring a smile to my face and encourages me to take the next step. The other day, it was a colleague genuinely asking me how I was and she took the time to listen and then pray with me.

I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am loved even when I doubt myself and when I feel I have let others done. So, in a few weeks time, I celebrate 50 years of life with some of my family and friends and it will be a good time. I'll also be on a break from school for a couple weeks so Andy and I will be able to take some time off, walk by the beach and catch up with friends from Victoria. When I read my other blog posts, even when it seems like I haven't moved forward very fast, I am constantly reassured that one small step at a time, I am going forward and going forward with beautiful people who are walking alongside me with love.

This is the song playing at the moment which reassures me that I am not alone.

Your silent love comes over me
In the stillness of my memory
I feel your touch
I've heard you call
Your silent love remains unchanged and strong

My deepest hopes and fears are known
No private thought that can't be shown
And every wounded place I see
Is drawing me to you and you to me

So as each moment passes by
I look to you to guide my life
For I have come to understand
That nothing can remove me from your hand

One Less Stress

Well, I have officially unenrolled from doing a subject this semester at Uni. The subject, "Emotional and Behavioural Problems of Children and Adolescents" involves a lot of intense work, reading as well as a case study and although I was looking forward to it, I have decided that I needed to prioritise getting back to my physical health. This is week 3 and already I am behind in the readings which is adding to my stress.

I went to see a 'new' doctor today who my friend recommended me to see and this new doctor is very thorough. My blood pressure was high which is unusual for me and it could have been because I was anxious about seeing a new doctor. She has my medical records and knows that it was unusually high. In addition, she has suggested I have an X-ray on my left leg which is still hurting since the accident and even more so since she prodded it and pushed it. She thinks I may have bursitis. As I have been getting breathless after some activity, she has also said I need to have an ECG. She said I need to build up to doing exercise/activity so that I am doing it six times a week. I was feeling discouraged after my visit to the doctor even though she didn't surprise me with what she said.

I want/need to focus on getting healthy again and I am very fortunate to be married to a man who will do all he can to support me. Andy is willing to do whatever it takes and I know that if I need someone to walk with, swim with, play squash with, ride my bike with, he will be there to encourage me and share it with. In addition, I am going to take up water aerobics with a friend from work which will also help. I am glad I have taken this semester off as I was worried about how I could fit this in and now that I am not doing the study, I actually feel like a burden has been lifted. I can continue my studies next semester and will probably have more energy to do it.

On another note, Andy and I had a lovely time away recently. We enjoyed spending time with Nathan and Melanie while we were in Victoria and had fun sight seeing, doing new things and just having an adventure together. We walked along the beach, took photos of koalas that were so close, I could have patted one, climbed trees, and admired different views of mountains, beaches and rainforests. So much beauty to explore and enjoy!

The next school term is under way and I am really enjoying teaching my class. They are responsive and love learning. Some of them think I should be 'stricter' but I'm not sure what they mean by that - they get in trouble when they do something wrong and people often comment on how quiet my class works! Looking forward to the rest of the year with them.

Along the Road

Going along the road of life, one faces corners, bends and hills.
Reality is we don't know what's ahead and
Especially how much further it might be.
And so we drive on and on, 
Taking in the sights and anticipating the destination ahead.

On and on the road goes
Crossing over bridges, driving around unknown curves,
Enjoying the views, taking photos of the memorable
And talking, getting to know those who are with you on the same journey
Nurturing, encouraging and loving each other.

Roads can have their ups and downs and even 
Obstacles. Wildlife can jump in front of the car
And graze alongside the road so it's best to
Drive carefully and enjoy every unique moment.

Driving along the road during our travels, I thought of how it is like driving along the road of life and although it's a cliche and perhaps a corny way of thinking, to me it really is like that. Sometimes the road seems very long but you keep driving, hoping to make the destination sooner, rather than later. You get tired and need encouragement to keep going. That encouragement can come from someone else offering to drive for a bit or stopping when you see a koala in the tree and you take a photo. It can come from knowing that there's not much further to go and that the arrival will make the trip worthwhile.

The past few months have been very difficult for me and sometimes I feel torn between wanting to give up and run away and wanting to stay and make a difference. My uni study has been challenging but my friend Sharyn has given me invaluable help and I was so excited when I got my final grade for this subject which was the best yet so far in my Masters. Andy is so good to me and it's nice to come home from a long day at work, knowing that he believes in me and thinks I can do it - whatever 'it' is. I have some good friends who call and/or message me to find out how my day was and they are an incredible encouragement to me. There are people who love me and take the time to find out how I am 'really' and I appreciate that.

I am constantly reminded to make the most of every opportunity and be thankful for every good gift/blessing that is given to me. <-- Those are the things that encourage me to keep going when life is tough. Last week, when were on holidays, the cleaning lady was very friendly and before we left, I wrote her a note to thank her. As we were driving away, she came back out to the car with tears in her eyes and thanked me. I have no idea what she might be going through but I pray she finds hope in her life. I know there are friends around me who have struggles and trials in their life too and like my mum used to say, "Each pain is your own and you can't compare it to others."  So, keep driving forward but take a break and enjoy the scenery when you can. Remember that ad: "Break the drive. Stay alive."

Counting Down the Days

Counting down the days to holidays.

It's already been a long, trying, wearying year with blessings mixed in to make it bearable: A classroom of students who I enjoy teaching and having fun with, friends who make me laugh (and cry), a husband who loves me and learning/study that in another 12 months time I will say, "Yay! I'm done!" to. 

Watching Milly, my lab, walk faithfully behind Andy is so cute and she waits at the door for him while he is putting rubbish in the bin. We've also noticed that she loves to listen to me sing but cowers when Andy begins. When I start singing, she cocks/sways her head from side to side, comes up close, puts her paws on my legs and looks intently at me. She is so cute! The other day I was using photos as an aid for my students to write a descriptive paragraph. One of the photos I used was Milly swimming in a dam (lake-sized) with a tennis ball beside her, jet skis in the background and a gravelly 'beach'. When they were adding in adjectives, the students used 'black' and 'fluffy' but none of them used gorgeous or cute. Yet she is. 

I handed in my last assignment for this subject, one hour and thirty-eight minutes early and was very glad for my friend Sharyn's help as well as for the good mark I got on the last one so that I should finish with a pass. My next subject begins in a month's time from now (after our holiday).

Sometimes it's hard to stay motivated and keep going when you're tired and feeling overwhelmed with the hurts that you're going through. I know that I become super-sensitive and sometimes a simple hug or smile makes me melt. Hearing sad news makes me cry and being far away from people I wish I could be with, is difficult and that in no way, diminishes the love and support I am blessed to receive by my friends here. Tomorrow is Father's Day in the States but not here in Australia. I think of Dave's dad and wish I could go and visit with him. I think of the kids that Dave has 'left behind' and who no longer have the dad who loved them unconditionally and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible.

Yesterday being Saturday and me not having any study to do, I decided some retail therapy was needed. Unlike some of my women friends, I don't go clothes, shoes or handbag (purse) shopping. My first stop was Saddleworld, my next stop was Rhonda's Refits (Wrangler, Montana and other 'western gear'), then on to Officeworks where I found a very pretty mouse for my computer - bright pink! I didn't get to Australia Geographic store but all in all, with the purchases I made, I got great bargains. I couldn't choose between two pairs of earrings, so I had the girl behind the check out, hide them behind her back and I chose a hand. I took the earrings home and found out that the back doesn't catch so I will need to take them back and exchange them for the other pair. The bracelet I got from Saddleworld, matches the other 2 I bought a year or so ago. 

     My creative juices were flowing the other night when I was trying to sleep, so I am looking forward to this next week with my students. As well as working them hard, we will also have some end of semester fun. I am hoping they will be successful in arranging a teacher versus students' touch football game with a cheer squad organised for both sides. It should be fun and in this case, it's really not about who will win but how much fun we can have together.

It is really important for me to find and do things that I enjoy when I am finding life tough. It is important to count the days down to 'better' things and to wake up each day knowing that today is going to be a good day. There is a man at squash and he said his philosophy is to not care, that way he doesn't have a bad day and no one can make it bad for him. I can't imagine not caring and I think that caring and loving is what keeps me going. I love coming home from work. I love it that Andy is here and I love it that when I go to Milly, she wags her tail and raises her paw as though to greet me. I love that our neighbourhood is quiet and that there is a small mountain that's within walking distance. I love it that despite the hard times, there are still many things to be thankful for!

P.S. When I go to the dentist during the holidays, I'm going to warn him, "I know I need to floss my teeth more, I know I should have been here sooner, but it's been a tough six months so please use your most reassuring voice and encourage me to come back again in another six months time." 

If wishes....

Last Friday was the 12th June and therefore, five years since Dave and I got married. I don't know if anyone else thought about that day last Friday but I did. The day was sunny and we had about fifty friends and family gather together to celebrate our new beginning in Washington State, USA. I remember waiting on the steps with my bridal attendants while people kept coming and Dave kept talking but after the ceremony and the BBQ, the day was over and we were on our way to begin our new life together. Five years. It seems so long ago and yet, not so. It sometimes seems like it didn't even happen but then I dig up memories out of the cobwebs of my mind and remember things that happened in the short space of thirteen months. Tractors, horses, tubing, boats, basketball and snow, hikes through the woods, the Olive Garden, Applebee's and IHOP (International House of Pancakes). New friends, new family, new relationships built. These are just a few of my treasured memories. Thirteen months later, Dave had passed away and I remember sitting in my car about to leave and go back to Australia. Crying. 

Life goes on and I move forward with it because, quite frankly, the other option is not very appealing. It is so important to live life without regrets. We can't change the past and if we hold on to the hurt and grief, the pain can take hold of us and hinder us from enjoying the life we have to live. There is so much of life waiting out there, so many adventures to be had, so many new memories to make. While there are days that I could easily say "Enough already!" I know that the 'next step' might be the best one yet, or if not, it could be the one after that. Although I have not done so, a bucket list seems like a good idea. What would you do if you only had a year to live and could do anything you want to do?

I wish I could.
I wish I had the money to do what I dream of doing, to do what I love doing and not have to worry about bills and other costs.
I wish I had the time to take off and go places I would like to explore. 
I wish I could own and ride a horse, off into the sunset until sunrise and then again.
I can wish all I like but wishing doesn't turn dreams into reality and doesn't make things happen. All I can do is take steps to make it happen and all along the way, embrace the days I have been given as a surprise gift. It's sort of like walking along the garden trail. I set off on a track with the 'goal' in mind but along the way, I enjoy the views and enjoy the rugged tracks. I enjoy the bends and newness of each part of the track that I have to travel before I reach my goal.

Imagine if I gave up on living. Imagine the blessings I would have missed out on: the road trip around the Eastern part of Australia, moving to new places, making new friends and renewing old friendships, beginning a teaching job in a "new" school with a wonderful class and enrolling in a University course to study something I am passionate about - counselling children. Imagine all the songs I have sung and heard and the sands I have walked along at the beach.

Imagine if I hadn't have opened my heart to love and be loved by Andy. He is a man wanting to serve me and make me happy. He even puts me first. For example, he willingly gives up going to footy training so that I can study with my friend Sharyn to get my assignment completed. He wishes he could give me all that I have dreamed of and he encourages me to keep moving forward. I asked him questions I read on Facebook and one of them said, "If your wife was to become famous, what would it be for?" He replied, "For being a psychologist or being an author/photographer". One of the things he admires about me is he thinks I have determination and that I keep going even when it gets tough. Yes, he sees me when I am feeling overwhelmed and sees me when I want to give up. He gives me hugs and reassures me. He has taken me close to his heart. I am thankful for Andy.

My life has changed dramatically year after year over the past five years and sometimes I am really tempted to give up - as if I even had a choice. I don't like making decisions and I find it hard to dream and make plans when life has proven it doesn't always turn out that way. I get overwhelmed and find it hard to get motivated when I am in such a state which doesn't bode well when I have an assignment due. I know that there are better things to come but I also know that before then, there is work to be done and issues to be resolved. Recently a song by Sanctus Real was playing on my iPad and the lyrics were something I could easily relate to:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

There are verses in Ecclesiastes 3 that say, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.... I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God." and in Lamentations 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Today is a gift. Not only don't we know what tomorrow holds, we don't even know if we'll be able to enjoy it. Live today and make every moment count.

Soar Like An Eagle

      When I was in my teenage years, my thoughts and beliefs were black and white absolutes that were clearly defined. I loved life and anticipated the future with enthusiasm. I knew that making right choices was all anyone needed to do if they wanted to have a good, guilt-free life. As a newly-wed someone accused me of being innocent and naive and I scoffed and was miffed by their comment and a colleague added that when I had my own children, I wouldn't be so black and white. They were trying to assure me that life wasn't so simple and straightforward. I heard a quote back then, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys and I laughed and thought it must be true.

     Now, 25+ years of life later, I look back on who I was then, untarnished by hurt and loss and wonder if I have changed. The simple answer is yes and no. Life has happened and I've continued to move forward and grow. Some of those thoughts and beliefs are the foundation of who I am. I still want to soar like an eagle and pursue excellence in all I do. I still recognise the importance of making right choices but I also know that others' choices can have an effect on my circumstances.

     Last night Andy and I were watching a TV show called "The Living Room" and a professional organizer was called in to help a family who needed to declutter their living space. They had way too much stuff! While they were sorting through their mountains of clothes and furniture, dividing the useful and needed from the useless and unnecessary, another team was brought in to redecorate and renovate their home into something modern and more practical. It was said that when people are feeling overwhelmed by life circumstances, it only takes someone to help them with the first step in moving forward to get them back on track and motivated once again. 

     This week I have been unwell and have had two days off sick. It started as a heavy cold and even today Andy said my voice doesn't sound good. It's OK if I don't talk and I don't have a sore throat.. The reason I tell you this is because when I am unwell, I have too much time to think and dwell on what is happening in my life so everything I am about to say, needs to be put into that perspective.

     I love my job. I love my class and it was really lovely to come back to work and have them all excited about me being back. They are enthusiastic about learning and I see them as children who are going on to being teenagers and then, adults. With that, they have all the confusion of  wanting independence, of being influenced by social media that doesn't always reflect godly values and of the innocence of childhood being tarnished at times, by the circumstances and choices of others around them without necessarily having the resources and 'wisdom' they need to make wise and discerning choices. 

     About ten years ago, someone asked me what I would do if a) I ever gave up teaching and b) where do I want to be in ten years time. I replied that "if" I ever gave up teaching, I would become a counsellor for children as my work has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt children go through and yet, they don't seem to have people equipped to help them. I also said that I don't make long term plans because my experience is that life doesn't always go the way we plan. Yet, here I am studying my Masters of Education, majoring in guidance and counselling. People ask me if I am going to follow the counsellor field when I am finished my course. The course I am doing helps me in my teaching in a practical sense now so I don't feel that I will be giving up teaching any time soon. On the other hand, I am also open to opportunities that might arise from doing this course. 

     I came home yesterday, feeling discouraged and watching the TV show didn't help. Where is the 'kickstart' I need to continue on the path I have chosen? Why am I working full-time and studying part-time when it requires so much effort and time? Why can't we just pack up and leave and find a place to run away to? After all, we're not getting any younger and it would be nice to have the time and money to enjoy the beach more often or go on an overseas holiday, or visit the outback of Australia. Why is life so challenging? 

     I did a Facebook quiz and although the results aren't always accurate, it said this about me: "You are hungry for adventure and excited about life, but you are also very humble and sincere. You are a great problem solver and have a balanced perspective about things." I appreciated a conversation I had with my good friend Sonya. She said, "I think your passion is your students and you are following your passion and your gifting, skills and training. You aim high because you have healthy self-respect and care about what you do." I really needed to hear those words.

     On the plus side, I got a good mark for my assignment - the best I have had so far which means a little of the pressure can be taken off for the next assignment. I need to get motivated again so I can complete it on time but being sick, it has been hard to focus on studying about the theory of assessment and testing students and why students have behavioural issues etc.

     And speaking about counting your blessings: While I've been sick, Andy has done all he can to look after me. When he was going out to homegroup the other night, he put next to my bed: a glass of diet coke, a glass of water, chips, chocolate and Panadol (headache tablets) so that I wouldn't need to get up while he was gone. During the afternoon, he went outside to hit a few golf balls and left the back door open saying, "If you need anything, just call and I'll come back inside". I thank him and he replies "It's what any husband would do." I tell him it's not but he still shrugs it off. 

     I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when life seems too hard, God still puts good things in my life to help me get through it. As Sonya reminded me, having friends in so many places means that I have a lot of love coming to me from all those directions. So I will persevere and move forward knowing that there is a purpose behind it and I am loved. Besides, when I look back and see all the great stuff I have lived, life is still an adventure and there's more to live and enjoy!

Mother's Day 2015

Every year since 1999, I approach Mother's Day with mixed feelings. My mum passed away on June 11th that year and I remember the following Mother's Day being really upset. For me, Mother's Day was all about honouring my mum and now she was gone, it was hard to be happy on Mother's Day. I remember going to church and someone asking me how I was - someone who didn't have children of their own and when I tried to say how I felt, she replied, "Well, you have Nathan so now you have to be happy because you're his mum". Wham!

It did get better after years but I still miss my mum. There are so  many times I want to call mum and tell her good news, sad news, happy news and share with her my hopes and dreams. There are so many people I want to introduce to my mum knowing she would love them too. My mum was someone who loved her family unconditionally, who was herself even when others had expectations for her and at a church picnic, she would leave the chatter of the other women and get up and join in with playing cricket. My mum cried and she laughed, she talked and she listened. She wasn't perfect and didn't claim to be. Mum was a good example of a woman who loved, was kind to all and who did what she thought was right and had a desire to see others be at peace with God.

My journey through life has had it's share of ups and downs, of loss, of pain, of happiness and of reasons to be thankful. I know that had mum been alive, she would have walked through every step of that journey with me and would have encouraged me and continued to believe in me. She would  never have given up on me. Perhaps she would have argued and disagreed with some of my choices but I  know she would have still believed in me and trusted me. Mum was a good example of the kind of mother I want to be.

Nathan and I have had good times and challenging times in our relationship but I hope he has always known how much I love him and want to be there for him, in the same way my mum was for me.

I was looking over some photos today and it was great to remember how many happy times we have shared together. We talked on the phone today but I miss him and wish he and his wife Mel lived closer! 

I love Dave's mother. I know that she continues to pray for me and for Andy too and I am so grateful to God for giving me the family He did, because of Dave. Since our move, I haven't talked to her in ages thanks to being offline for a few weeks and having to catch up in study and I miss her.

Andy's mum passed away when Andy was in his 20's so he too knows what it's like to lose a mum.

There's an older lady I play squash with and sometimes she says she's my mum. She says that because she wants me to play 'easier' on her although she and I both know that we don't want that to happen. One of the teachers at school the other day said that if she had ever had a daughter, she would have been 'naughty' like me. I love Avis and Andy plays golf with her every week so now he gets to play with his 'adopted' mother-in-law.

So although yesterday I was dreading Mother's Day, today I was thankful for it. I was thankful for the mothers God has put in my life. Andy and I went for a walk up the mountain near our house in honour of our mothers. We took chocolate cake with us but by the time we got there, I was too out of breath to eat it and so I enjoyed it when we got back home. It was a good photo opportunity and I felt glad to have finally climbed it after two years of living here. Yes, it reminded me I need to get fitter and it also reminded me that since my accident, I don't have quite the same flexibility but it was good.

Andy has done all he can to make this day good for me. He bought me gifts, gave me breakfast in bed and happily walked up the mountain with me. Since he's been wanting to do that with me for more than 12 months and had all but given up on it ever happening, one could say he might even have been a little excited about walking up there with Milly and I. All day, he has enquired after my happiness and contentment, looking for ways to please me and making sure that I have a happy mother's day. I am thankful that I have a husband who desires to serve me.

Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers who are reading this and if your mum is still alive, give her an extra hug and be thankful for the life you share with her.

Jump Puddles and Laugh

This morning as I enjoyed breakfast in bed, I listened to the sounds of magpies, bellbirds, and kookaburras while dogs barked and lawns were being mowed. Andy thinks there is not a day go by when someone isn't out mowing their lawns in this small town. The day has been particularly overcast and this week the weather was very wet and cold. (relatively speaking) Friday at school was a wet day program and to curb the restlessness and possible misbehaviour that can occur when students are forced to stay indoors all day, I switched to a low-key day and although we did tests and studies, we also sang songs during their usual choir time, watched clips of Wizard of Oz during a break and played indoor volleyball with the children sitting opposite each other and trying to hit a balloon over the heads of their opposition in order to score points.

One child commented that "All we've done is sing and play today" so I quickly reminded him of all the work we had done. It was a good day for all of us and I reflected that I need to make the most of every day, recognise my students are growing from children to teenagers, give them positive memories that they can take of their schooling and give them a break from thinking school is all tests, books, discipline and hard work. As I did my uni studies, I read this quote from Albert Einstein, "It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge". On Thursday, I put up a photo I had taken and asked the children to write down as many adjectives as they could. One child remarked that I should become a professional photographer which made me feel good. Andy thinks I could incorporate writing a book and taking photos for the book. 

I'm glad he keeps dreaming about the future because at the moment, with all the combined stress of study, work, unresolved issues about rent etc., it's hard to get past thinking about anything else. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. I remember when I was a young adult, Carman, a singer was once talking about someone who said they were doing OK "under the circumstances" and his reply was "You need to get out from under the circumstances." Fine words, positive thinking and cliches are all well and good but not always that easy to rise up with the wings of an eagle.

I have a few pressing circumstances that are hard to not dwell on. For instance, this coming Wednesday, I have to have a conference/mediation phone call and deal with the former property manager of our last rental place to discuss why we should or shouldn't have our bond returned. Although I have all the evidence and understand what grounds I can stand upon, it is yucky to go through this process.

I handed my assignment for Uni in on time which was no small achievement and what I am studying now is more interesting to me than coefficient variables and validity, as it incorporates counselling, listening skills to combine with interviews for assessment. On the other hand, I am still one and a half weeks behind, (which means lots of reading!) and need to catch up.

On Thursday I was playing squash against a 76 year old woman. She said she keeps playing because if she stops, that would mean she doesn't come back to it. We talked about the need to keep going, keep moving and to make the most of every day. She recounted a news item about a 23 year old who was killed in a car accident and said, "You just never know what the day will hold". And we don't. I listen to young and old people making plans for the future and while I don't want to sound morbid, the fact is, we don't  know what the future holds. It's OK to make plans and dream, (I do it!) but we also need to make today count. Make memories today. Tell family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. Encourage others. Jump in puddles. Laugh.

Have a good week. Pray for me if you will, that I catch up, that I stay calm and I learn much.

Now to go and watch Becker with my thoughtful husband who surprises me with his kindness towards me.