If wishes....

Last Friday was the 12th June and therefore, five years since Dave and I got married. I don't know if anyone else thought about that day last Friday but I did. The day was sunny and we had about fifty friends and family gather together to celebrate our new beginning in Washington State, USA. I remember waiting on the steps with my bridal attendants while people kept coming and Dave kept talking but after the ceremony and the BBQ, the day was over and we were on our way to begin our new life together. Five years. It seems so long ago and yet, not so. It sometimes seems like it didn't even happen but then I dig up memories out of the cobwebs of my mind and remember things that happened in the short space of thirteen months. Tractors, horses, tubing, boats, basketball and snow, hikes through the woods, the Olive Garden, Applebee's and IHOP (International House of Pancakes). New friends, new family, new relationships built. These are just a few of my treasured memories. Thirteen months later, Dave had passed away and I remember sitting in my car about to leave and go back to Australia. Crying. 

Life goes on and I move forward with it because, quite frankly, the other option is not very appealing. It is so important to live life without regrets. We can't change the past and if we hold on to the hurt and grief, the pain can take hold of us and hinder us from enjoying the life we have to live. There is so much of life waiting out there, so many adventures to be had, so many new memories to make. While there are days that I could easily say "Enough already!" I know that the 'next step' might be the best one yet, or if not, it could be the one after that. Although I have not done so, a bucket list seems like a good idea. What would you do if you only had a year to live and could do anything you want to do?

I wish I could.
I wish I had the money to do what I dream of doing, to do what I love doing and not have to worry about bills and other costs.
I wish I had the time to take off and go places I would like to explore. 
I wish I could own and ride a horse, off into the sunset until sunrise and then again.
I can wish all I like but wishing doesn't turn dreams into reality and doesn't make things happen. All I can do is take steps to make it happen and all along the way, embrace the days I have been given as a surprise gift. It's sort of like walking along the garden trail. I set off on a track with the 'goal' in mind but along the way, I enjoy the views and enjoy the rugged tracks. I enjoy the bends and newness of each part of the track that I have to travel before I reach my goal.

Imagine if I gave up on living. Imagine the blessings I would have missed out on: the road trip around the Eastern part of Australia, moving to new places, making new friends and renewing old friendships, beginning a teaching job in a "new" school with a wonderful class and enrolling in a University course to study something I am passionate about - counselling children. Imagine all the songs I have sung and heard and the sands I have walked along at the beach.

Imagine if I hadn't have opened my heart to love and be loved by Andy. He is a man wanting to serve me and make me happy. He even puts me first. For example, he willingly gives up going to footy training so that I can study with my friend Sharyn to get my assignment completed. He wishes he could give me all that I have dreamed of and he encourages me to keep moving forward. I asked him questions I read on Facebook and one of them said, "If your wife was to become famous, what would it be for?" He replied, "For being a psychologist or being an author/photographer". One of the things he admires about me is he thinks I have determination and that I keep going even when it gets tough. Yes, he sees me when I am feeling overwhelmed and sees me when I want to give up. He gives me hugs and reassures me. He has taken me close to his heart. I am thankful for Andy.

My life has changed dramatically year after year over the past five years and sometimes I am really tempted to give up - as if I even had a choice. I don't like making decisions and I find it hard to dream and make plans when life has proven it doesn't always turn out that way. I get overwhelmed and find it hard to get motivated when I am in such a state which doesn't bode well when I have an assignment due. I know that there are better things to come but I also know that before then, there is work to be done and issues to be resolved. Recently a song by Sanctus Real was playing on my iPad and the lyrics were something I could easily relate to:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

There are verses in Ecclesiastes 3 that say, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.... I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God." and in Lamentations 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Today is a gift. Not only don't we know what tomorrow holds, we don't even know if we'll be able to enjoy it. Live today and make every moment count.