Unpacking... Memories

As I've been unpacking, I've unpacked memories of my time with Dave. Sometimes it's been too emotional and I've had to leave a box and go and unpack something else or instead, go outside and throw Milly the ball.

Tomorrow is Dave's birthday. (It's also Good Friday.) That's been in the back of my mind all week and I plan on baking a chocolate cake to celebrate his life. Three years ago, I had just arrived back in the US and was celebrating his and his daughter, Dianne's birthday and it was the first time we had been together with friends and family, since we'd gotten engaged. 

As I was leaving to come here, one of my dear friends who has also been widowed, advised me not to be too hard on myself and to expect moments like this. Like today, when I unpacked a box and found a letter I had written to Dave as I travelled by plane three years ago to begin my life with him. We were engaged and I shared my excitement with him and the plans and hopes I had for us. I told him how much I loved him and believed that we would have a wonderful future together and how much I was looking forward to it.

 

As I've opened boxes, I've uncovered items that I put away 18 months ago and couldn't look at a year ago because of my grief. I have cried tears since coming here but the most have been this morning. Again I have uttered the words, "It's not fair!" It's not fair that we didn't get much time to celebrate our love and have a life together. It's not fair that we didn't have years of memories as husband and wife and didn't have time to establish ourselves together in our home. It's not fair that I am back in Australia, once again starting a new life, having to make new friends, learn how to study again, look for employment and be on my own. It's not fair.

 

"Life is not fair" are trite words thrown around and "Move forward" is a catchcry that sometimes has a hollow sound to it. "She'll be right, mate" is an aussie cliche that is bandied about by those trying to inspire a positive note. To encourage is:

1.	to inspire (someone) with the courage or confidence (to do something)

Other words for encourage are:

 

animate, applaud, boost, brighten, buck up, buoy, cheer, cheer up, comfort, console, embolden, energize, enhearten, enliven, excite, exhiliarate, fortify, galvanize, give shot in arm, gladden, goad, hearten, incite, sinspire, inspirit, instigate, praise, prop up, psych up, push, rally, reassure, refresh, restore, revitalize, revivify, rouse, spur, steel, stir, strengthen, sway.

 

Let me pick out some words from that list: comfort, console, embolden, fortify, restore, rouse and strengthen.  Those are the words that describe what I need but even as I write, I think about how God has blessed me with friends who are proactive in their encouragement. I am thankful for my new life, that I am able to study in an area I am passionate about and that will open up job opportunities in the future. I like the peace and quiet my new home provides and the sounds of birds singing as a cool breeze teases through the branches of trees and makes it a warm day instead of too hot.  I can see that everything has fallen into place, in the right time.

 

I had not planned to be living my life without Dave only 13 months after we were married. I did not envision three years ago, that I would be where I am right now. Someone had on their facebook page recently a picture that said:

 

Never go to sleep angry. Because you never know if you or the person you're angry at will wake up the next morning. Always forgive because you never know if you'll talk to them again. Things happen. Get over it. Always forgive. You may not forget but it's better than knowing you'll never get to say "Sorry" or "I love you" again.

 

I love Dave and I will 'never get over' him passing away. He will always be a part of me, a part of who I am and I am thankful I had the opportunity to love him and show him how much I loved him. I know that he knew I loved him and although he couldn't understand why I did, I know he was thankful for me. I miss him so.

 

Well back to unpacking again. I'm almost done and then I need to do some study. Tonight there's an online workshop to discuss the assignment due April 17th. I am enjoying learning but it would be nice to know that I am on the right track and can write assignments. A good friend is coming up for a few days to visit and having just recently graduated from uni, she is going to be able to offer me constructive advice on my work. I have two major assignments due on that day. (April 17.) Go me. Yay.