Champing At the Bit

I have all my boxes unpacked and my house feels like home. My 'study' area is all set up although I think I will need to buy a desk lamp because the lighting in the room is not very good. I have everything I need and as I unpacked, I decided I have more than I need in some areas. Yesterday I finally completed all the paperwork I needed to do to apply to teach casually in government schools and posted that off as well as my resume and a cover letter to four private schools, indicating my interest in teaching there on a casual basis.

Now all I need is to be more disciplined and focussed on getting my assignments done. I know I can do them despite the fact that it's been so long since I did formal study and at times it still seems overwhelming and I worry about failing. Today I did the laundry, printed out invites to my housewarming, caught up on Facebook (including games), did the dishes, had a nap, played with Milly outside and even took the rubbish out to the bin. I considered cleaning the windows which is a job I never do so it shows the lengths I will go to, when procrastinating from studying.

Finally when there was nothing more I could do except study, I sat down at my desk, got out my pen and paper, went to "Google Scholar" on the laptop, opened up my textbook and applied myself diligently to the assignment on Behaviour Management. I clicked on links here and there, wrote notes in columns, typed in the Word Document and was focussed. At times I wondered if I was doing it right but I perservered.... until the lady next door arrived with her daughters just to visit for a little while. They also brought over some Easter eggs that the "Easter bunny had accidently left at our place for you" which was cute.

Having lost the momentum, I reverted back to how I'd been feeling before I applied myself. Dark thoughts like, "What's the point of even trying?" "Who really cares about 'me'?" "Why can't I have a horse and go riding?" "When does it get easier and when will I stop hurting and wanting my life with Dave back?" It takes self-control to push those thoughts aside and rekindle the desire to move forward with life.

 

People talk about God providing all that I need and I know He does but today I was thinking that if Dave was still alive, He wouldn't have to be quite so busy with that and I wouldn't need to be trusting Him for 'new' things because I would have them already. Right now I need: 

1. To be able to get my 2 assignments done and done well.
2. My lawnmower fixed or a new lawn mower.
3. Income. Even though I have enough money for now, I hate that it is being spent on setting up my home, paying bills, food and upkeep etc. with nothing to replenish it. So with income, some kind of steady work would be good.
4. Company/friends - I am blessed to have friends all over the world and all over Australia, but it would be nice to have like-minded friends (apart from just Sharyn) who live close by and who I could go out with, study with, talk with or just hang out with. I was also fortunate to have a friend come from Victoria to stay with me for a few days and we had a good time together.
5. I still would like a horse and be able to go riding. I know that might not seem like a need to many people but it is very important to me.

I need a garden shed to put my tools, bike and lawn mower away in. At the moment I keep my bike in the laundry and the tools on the outdoor table that the previous owner left behind. I kept them there because Milly had pulled them out of the cardboard boxes, chewed up the boxes and was chewing on the tools. Today, she discovered she can climb on to the chair to get closer to the table but she hasn't figured out how to get down again. The shed is supposed to be here by the 15th April.

Recently I was reading in my devotions by Joyce Meyer:

 

When we have faith in God, it leads to hope, and our outlook on life and the future is positive.

Hope allows us to leave our unanswered questions in God's hands; it empowers us to remain at peace, and it enables us to believe the best about the days to come.

You can have hope when you trust in God's love. He has the power to provide for you and lead you through every situation.

I know that is true and I am continuing to learn to trust God in everything. Sometimes I just want it all now and I wonder if God will really allow me to have everything I think I want and need. His plans for me are best but it seems like the 'best' is yet to be and I get tired and discouraged waiting and plodding forward, doing what I can to make the most of today, yet champing at the bit to move ahead to the 'best' where I can be settled and just enjoy 'ordinary' life again.

Well it's Saturday night and time for me to go feed Milly, cook some dinner for myself and watch a movie, unless I get all inspired to study but I think I will leave that until Monday. Hope you're having a great weekend! Thanks for listening to me, for praying for me and for your encouragement. You are one of my favourite blessings!