Live, Love, Laugh, Life

Being through so many changes in the last few years has affected me in different ways and at first, it was difficult to find motivation to live, energy to do more than just exist and the desire to go out and live. During this time I learned the importance of making the most of each day, of loving those are in your life and I grew stronger and more secure in myself. It almost felt a little bit like making my own "Groundhog Day" movie. At first, I was resistant to being in this situation and living my life here without Dave. Sometimes I had the feeling that if I had an accident, it wouldn't matter, I would still "have to live" no matter what. As time wore on, I began to use this time to my benefit and started pursuing dreams and a lifestyle that suited me.

I took a road trip and drove 6,400kms on my own, discovering parts of Australia that I'd heard about but never seen for myself. I visited amusement parks, slept in a small pop up tent, drove over old wooden bridges wondering if I'd make it to the other side, swam in the ocean, walked through the bush and drove through miles and miles of farm land. Not once on my trip did I wish to be anywhere else and every day I appreciated the beauty of this land that God had created. People would ask me, "Don't you get lonely?", "Aren't you scared?" but to both questions I could honestly say "No." It would have been nice to have shared that experience with someone else. Dave was never very far from my mind and sometimes I wondered what he would have loved about the holiday but it was a very important time for my growth and also for my relationship with God. I got to meet new people and catch up with old friends and I got to marvel over and over again at the faithfulness of my Lord and His amazing creativity.

Since I've moved interstate, I've been asked on a number of occasions, "Why did you move here?" and today I came up with the best, most succinct reply, "I wanted a fresh start". It doesn't encompass all that it took to get me here but it does reflect on my motivation. Just like the main character in Groundhog Day, I am learning to pursue activities that reflect who I am. I enrolled in a study course to do my Masters in Education, majoring in guidance and counselling. This is something I've talked about since 2007 and now I'm doing it. I've bought myself a puppy to keep me company and she gives me a lot of enjoyment. I live out of the city but close enough that I have everything I need within a short distance. I can watch the sun set behind the hills and hear kookaburras laugh. I can see blue skies and feel the warm sunshine on my face. I can wake up in the morning and be thankful that I am alive.

My life is not perfect and sometimes I still wish for those days back in the US with Dave. It would be nice to share my life with someone who wants to live their life to the fullest and share it with me, to be able to walk along the beach holding hands, to explore the bush together, laugh and talk about everything. It would be good to be able to have some 'balance' so that when I get treated condescendingly by a male service representative, I could go home and be appreciated for who I am. Yesterday, I went to go and have my phone dealt with and the man in his 50s treated me like I was stupid. To be honest (cover your eyes for this next bit if you're sensitive) I wanted to say to him, "Just because I have boobs, doesn't mean I don't have a brain!" but I would never say such things and I'm even surprised I said it here on my blog post. Anyway, today when I went back to that store, he was nowhere in sight and the young guy serving me was courteous and helpful.

As I was driving home from that store today, I thought if there is one thing lacking, it's time at the beach. I love the beach and I do wish I lived closer. Maybe I will one day but for the coming 12 months, I am here and content to be here. I think I will go to the beach at least once a month though.

Tim McGraw sings a song, "Live Like You were Dying" and as I was driving to the beach last Sunday afternoon, I thought about that and thought, maybe for my 50th I should go sky diving... or not. I started thinking about all the things I could do and realised that I am learning to live again, or rather, live like I was dying.

I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
Like tomorrow was a gift
And you've got eternity
To think about
What you'd do with it

Having submitted both assignments a week ago, I need to get back to studying and catch up in my readings and begin my next assignments. I won't have a study break before the next two are due in, so I have to pace myself. I also have an interview this coming Friday for a teaching job that will be full term as of July so it's probable that next semester, I will only take on one subject. I am still glad I took on two this semester though. So, having said that, I need to put my words into actions and go do it. The birds are atwittering, the sun is going down, the breeze is blowing through the bushes and Milly is out chasing butterflies and insects, her tail, and long bits of grass.

The urge to write a story is also growing within me. I know I've been "threatening/promising" to write for years and years but lately, it's getting more persistent. Perhaps it's just another way to procrastinate from studying but I really want to write. As it says in Sister Act 2, "Don't ask me about being a writer. If, when you wake up in the morning, you can think of nothing but writing, then you're a writer."