Affirmation, Believing, Confirmation of Decisions

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by what life has thrown at me and I get to wondering about the choices I am making to move forward in this life. I often ask, "What have I done?!" "What if I can't do what I am trying to do? e.g. Complete assignments, stay on task, do what I need to do?" When things are going well, people comment that I sound happy but that makes me feel like they are forgetting that I miss Dave and that there are times I am sad. I do not ever forget that I am only here because Dave isn't and that I would prefer to be with him. I know they are trying to encourage me and don't mean to belittle my grief but the life I am living now is not my first choice but it's like that worn out cliche says, "If life throws lemons at you, make lemonade".

In the midst of moving forward and making decisions that continue to challenge and stretch me, I can get discouraged and wonder if I am doing the right thing. Once I have made a decision, I just want to get on with it and have it come easily so if it doesn't, I get frustrated. Take today for example: I went and read Assignment 1, followed the steps to where I was supposed to find the case studies for it and couldn't find them. Now I know some students are plowing ahead and are probably half way through the assignment due in 4 weeks time, so I felt a little intimidated having to admit that I haven't yet begun. I have kept up with the weekly readings and activities and planning to begin the assignment four weeks in advance is pretty good for me! The reason I want to 'get ahead' is I am hoping my furniture arrives tomorrow and I will be able to unpack and set up my home without worrying about getting behind in my course.

Last weekend, Milly and I went to stay at our new home. I loaded up the car with things to get us by for a couple days and headed over there on Saturday afternoon. I put things away, cleaned the oven and played with Milly. I taught her how to 'go get [the ball] and bring it back to me. She got it right 75% of the time or thereabouts. I had a relatively early night and because I had forgotten my pillow, I used the folded up quilt made out of Dave's clothes. As I was laying on my air mattress, I wondered what my future in this home would be like. I wondered if I was living in a safe area and again, got to wondering about the decision I had made to come live here and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

The next morning I went to visit a church about  twenty minutes drive away.  Going to a new church on my own, is not easy. I didn't know anyone and did not know what kind of church it would be like. i.e. size, tradition, people etc. I made up a list of about 4 churches I would visit over the coming weeks and chose the one closest to me. It was easy to find and the church was well sized. During the service, an opportunity was given for people to say hello to someone they hadn't met and immediately the lady in front turned around and introduced herself. She was very friendly and we discovered we had things in common. At the end of the service, she took me over to meet another lady who lives only a street away from me! We exchanged phone numbers and as we talked, discovered we had a mutual friend who lived interstate. The friend had been a family friend of ours as I had grown up and we had even gone on family holidays together.

At home that afternoon, I was almost ready to go back to the farm when there was a knock at the door and a neighbour introduced himself to me. He lives 2 doors up with his wife and my next door neighbour had told him about me. After some chat, he took me to my other next door neighbour and introduced us. She and I immediately clicked and we exchanged phone numbers and she gave me further insight into the neighbourhood. So now I have met three of my neighbours which is more than I have ever met, especially so quickly, in any area I have lived in.

As I was driving back to the farm, I planned to tell Sharyn I can have a housewarming party now because I have made some friends; neighbours, church people, the bank lady, the real estate friend... etc. It helps to feel more settled when I have met others. I will continue to go to that church because I felt at home there, enjoyed the worship service, appreciated the sermon and it was nice to meet like-minded women who I could relate to. I am glad I know a little more about my new neighbourhood and have met neighbours who seem friendly and yes, all of the above is confirmation that I  have made the right choices and I am in the right place for me, at this time.

Now I need to go outside and untangle Milly's rope for the umpteenth time and get back to my study!