Change is Upon Me.... Again.

Change is upon me again
Hovering, pulling, pushing me forward
And although I want to ignore it, I know that I
Need to heed it's call, take hold of it and
Grow if I am to move forward and begin
Enjoying life and living once again.

Recently I had the privilege of travelling the Eastern side of Australia, from Melbourne, Vic to Dubbo, to Tamworth, to Coffs Harbour and Casino (all in NSW) to Brisbane/Gold Coast, Goombungee (Toowoomba), Sunshine Coast, Maryborough (all in Queensland) then south via Tamworth (again), Blackheath/Blue Mountains, Tumut/Snowy Mountains (NSW) and to Molyullah/Benalla (Vic) and home again. During that time, I swam in the sea, in the pool, saw views that words and photos can not capture the full beauty of, rode a horse, went on a boat to Fraser Island, took lots of photos, drank a lot of frozen drinks, went to Seaworld, Wet n' wild amusements parks, the Australian Outback Spectacular show, saw Les Miserables with friends, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, slept in my tent, drove my car 6,400kms and came back refreshed and ready (or so I thought) for whatever the new year might hold.

That trip will be something I never forget and I know that God used it to heal a lot of hurts in my life and bring closure to some things I have tried to block out of my mind but needed to open again so God could bring healing. It was wonderful to catch up with friends and renew the closenesss once more. With each friend I stayed with, I felt loved and encouraged and I knew that goodbye was really "see you later" which wasn't so bad. My friends opened up their homes and their hearts, shared their life with me and made me feel that I was valuable to each of them, as they are to me.

As I drove many miles, I thought of Dave often and wished he was there enjoying it with me. He would have loved it all as he too, loved being outdoors, loved swimming in the sea and riding through mountains. I missed him over and over again and cried more tears for the loss of our life together. In a way though, my grieving was positive as it helped me to remember the good times shared and remember the closeness we had together. It also reminded me of the person Dave was and why I loved him so much! I remembered the way he would touch me, the look in his eyes, the way he held me, his laughter and the life he had shared with me and taught me to love, too.

While on my trip, I also kept searching for teaching jobs but even the ones I found and applied for, were not given to me. I have to keep asking the question, "What now?" and keep wondering what do I want to do? If I could do anything, what would that be? Before Dave passed away, we were looking into what that might be and if I was to study further, what would I choose to study and I had started collecting information on courses and universities that might cater to my interests and passion. We thought that I could go and further my education while teaching and were taking steps to make that happen.

When I came home, I spent some time discussing my possible 'future' with my son Nathan and his girlfriend and they are very supportive and encouraging of whatever I decide I need to do. They are also very proud of how far I have come. So we made a list of some things I need to do today to begin stepping forward, but when I woke up this morning, I lacked motivation.  I pottered around, heard the school bell ring and thought of all my friends who are gainfully employed today and thought about the fact that here I am alone, unemployed and needing to start all over again. Nathan said to me yesterday that I need to re-invent myself again and I wondered how many more times I  will need to do that. I am tired of moving, tired of starting all over again and tired of being on my own.

On the other hand, I know I have nothing to lose and that my next step forward will be a step in settling down and putting down roots again. I know that God does have a purpose for my life and I know how richly blessed I am with love of friends and family.  Even today, one of my friends from the States, wrote to tell me some news and tell me that he and his wife were praying for me. When I told him how I was feeling, he wrote back and simply said, "I love you, too Carolanne." which made me cry all over again but in a good way. People don't realise how hearing those three simple words can mean so much from family and friends.

When I was at the Tamworth Country Music Festival, Steve Messer and Strange Country sang a song and the words of the chorus said, "Take care of your heart but always leave room for love."
So until I know what I must do, I  will keep pushing myself to get out of bed each day and to take one step forward at a time. I will also keep in mind that I need to take care of my heart but always leave room for love.