My Heart

Wow - I've only been gone a week and blogger.com have changed their layout.  More change.  I should be able to take all kinds of changes in my stride by now, shouldn't I?  I can see some friends out there reading this, nodding their head, tsking out loud saying, "I knew she wouldn't last.  I knew she would be back blogging sometime soon."  Well, as that is obviously the case, I am willing to concede that I knew it was only for an indefinite period of time and I would also like to add that it's a positive thing that I am writing again.  Even this morning, as I was cleaning my home, I was also 'dancing' around to the Neil Diamond music in the background and found myself singing along. 

Last weekend, I was a mess.  I felt like a ton of bricks had been thrown into my stomach, my heart was heavy and breaking all over again and I wanted to curl up in my bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there for the rest of my days.  I had started unpacking one of the boxes, sorting it out into a new mobile, storage tray and had unearthed the Valentines card and birthday card, Dave had given me.  Dave always put a lot of thought into cards he bought and as I read those words, I felt like I was reading his heart and how he felt towards me and it made me cry because I miss him so much.  I could not bring myself to do anything much except cry, mope about and cry some more. 

I got into my car to go for a drive and at an intersection, there was a guy with his TShirt hanging out of his pockets, squirting water onto windscreens, washing it and then putting his hand out for money.  As he came towards me, I told him "no" but he insisted and went ahead with it.  He tried to engage me in conversation but I didn't even attempt to bring my sanguine nature to the forefront.  I handed him over a couple of gold coins and he thanked me profusely. 

Anyway, as I was driving back home listening to a CD that my friend Janice had given me, I realised that I needed to make a choice about my grief.  Yes, it hurts. Yes I miss Dave and yes, I have lost a lot and it's downright hard!  No, it's not easy to start all over again in every single aspect of my life and yes, I know I also have a lot to be thankful for.  Ultimately though, it's not about me and it's not about Dave.  It all comes down to who I am and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  He does want to pour His love into my heart and wants me to rest in His hands without worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

Dave often teased me about having a romantic mindset.  It's not just in the movies we watch, even the sad songs we listen to, still have a positive spin to them.  "I will survive", "Life goes on", "This time...." "I am free".  I get caught up in music and it affects my attitude and outlook on life.  I tried listening to positive songs last weekend but even the cheerful songs made me cry because I was focussed on my loss.  However, as I listened to the CD "The Story", God began to work in my heart. 

Janice picked a song for her and I, "I'm With You" which reflects the story of Ruth and Naomi and it begins, "Love is a hurricane in a blue sky, I didn't see it coming, never knew why.  All the laughter and the dreams.  All the memories in between.  Washed away in a steady stream.  Love is a hunger, a famine in your soul, thought I planted beauty, but it would never grow, Now I'm on my hands and knees, trying to gather up my dreams, trying to hold on to anything. And we could shake a fist in times like this, when we don't understand, or we could just hold hands....."

After that song, the song that really played to my heart is called "Your Heart" and is about the story of David.  The chorus is, "At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say, My heart looks like your heart, my heart looks like  Your heart, When the world looks at me, let them agree, that my heart looks like your heart.... When the world looks at me, I pray that all they see Is my heart looks like Your heart...Unashamed I will dance, In Your name, I lift my hands, Til my heart looks like your heart."

As I went back to school this week, I felt a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be done.  In the past, teaching has been second nature to me and it's only that this is a 'new' job/school, that I keep wavering in my confidence.  There are no issues I haven't dealt with before, no student who does something I haven't encountered before and although I can find my class challenging at times, I want my students to have the best and be the best.  I want them to enjoy learning and grow in knowledge and maturity.  My main 'worry' is paperwork.  I am proficient at procrastinating and when I am overwhelmed by a task, I have been known to throw up my arms, say "I can't!" and get stressed. 

When I felt like that this week, I just wanted Dave to be here and put things into perspective for me.  I wanted him to hold me close and I wanted to feel his arms around me.  I wanted to be able to sit beside him and not have to worry about what tomorrow would bring.  Weirdly, I touch a photo of him, hoping to "feel" him but it's just a photo and the matte finish doesn't feel anything like he felt.  Yes, I still remember his touch.

One of the teachers came to give me some support during my planning time and I had all the folders and papers open ready for her.  I told her what my concerns were and she listened, then calmly gave me a simple solution.  The end result is, I am now caught up again on the things that were holding me back.  In future, I need to learn to ask for help and realise that the reason God puts people in our lives is so that we can encourage and support each other.  None of us were ever meant to do it all on our own.