Always With Me

I'm a gonna have to toughen up my fingers again and relearn the guitar chords before I take my guitar into school to sing songs with my students!  I just tuned my guitar up which was badly out of tune and then played some songs out of a very 'cool' kids song books.  It had those old songs that I used to sing as a kid, TV themes, movie songs and songs like "Edlweiss",  "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man",. "Splish Splash". "The Old Grey Mare", "Working On the Railway", "Jesus Loves Me" etc.  I taught my class, "Black Socks" yesterday, without the guitar and they sang it well.  I am looking forward to being able to sing with my class - when I get a little more proficient in my playing.

Earlier today, as I was driving to my brother's surprise party and when I was driving home again, I turned to a radio station that played music from the 80's and I am quite sure now, that I am beginning to find music and song in me again.  I was singing along when I knew the words and tapping along when I didn't.  It's been a long time since I have felt like singing and I'm glad it's coming back.

At the family webpage, someone asked how everyone was doing/dealing with their grief.  The song that came to my mind was one that Gavin Degraw sings, "If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine... No matter what I say, I'm not over you."  The thing is, I am moving forward but I hate saying that because I feel like people will assume that I am 'over it' and I'm not.  Even today, I noticed that Dave is uppermost in my thoughts and even when I'm talking about something else, I want to add in the 'Dave bit'. 

To attend my brother's birthday, we were to dress up in gear that reflected the 60s so I borrowed a poncho from a good friend, added some flower stickers to a ribbon I had and wore my cowboy boots and jeans.  As soon as I could though, I took off the poncho and wore Dave's marooon coat. It was a coat he wore  often especially when we were out with the horses and as I emptied out the pockets, I noticed some of the crushed up horses' treats spilled out.  I am still wearing the jacket even though I would usually take coats off when I entered a home.

Last night I was very cold so today I bought an electric blanket which reminded me of Dave.  I would go upstairs early to turn the electric blanket on but he would always complain that it wasn't hot enough so he would turn it way up high, intending to turn it down later.  However, he would fall asleep despite the heat and the heat would radiate onto my side of the bed and be too hot for me to sleep.  To add to that, he would be cuddling me anyway, so I was way too hot!  The electric blanket we had was on top of the mattress, not on top as a blanket.  The one I bought today is fleecy lined, goes on the mattress and has extra warmth where the feet are. Dave and I both used to have cold feet and he would put his feet on me to get them warm. 

At the party, I talked to one of my brother's friends who was originally from the States and who has experience and knowledge of horses and saddles.  She has a Western saddle too and gave me some advice on saddles, agistment and places to go.  She is another friend who would be willing to come with me when I go to check out a horse.  As we talked about horses, it was again with Dave memories and I enjoyed being able to bring him constantly into our conversation. 
So, although I am doing fine and getting on with life, Dave is ever a part of me and my life with him is a part of my life now.  Wherever I go, I take him with me especially in my thoughts and in my heart.  Like Winnie the Pooh said, "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."  Dave will be with me forever. I still miss him and I still love him so much!!!