Troubles and Blessings

I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life.  I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach.  The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water.  The view is always the same and yet it's not.  A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.


I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,


"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".


I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that.  She is so creative and artistic.  I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.

Write your troubles in the sand.  


Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain.  Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering.  I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight.  I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not.  She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life.  As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life.  I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives.  It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about a blog that a woman keeps after her husband was killed tragically in an accident almost a year ago.  She writes so well and all that she says, I can relate to yet, when I write my blog posts, sometimes I feel that I can't convey those thoughts as well as what she does.  As she expressed her pain, I wondered if I loved Dave enough.  I wanted to call Dan and have him reassure me like he said once before, "You loved David dearly".  I was thankful that someone put on my Facebook page, "Don't forget- moving forward isn't leaving Dave behind. You will always take him with you in your heart."  I don't need them to tell me that I loved Dave dearly, I know that I did but sometimes, I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home.  I still feel like he is just away on a longer trucking trip and it's been much too long and I'm tired of him being away.  I know that he won't be coming home, but every day, to get through the day, there's a part of me that is still thinking that this will all be over soon.  He is so much a part of my life.


Write your blessings in stone


I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given.  I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support.  I hope I tell them enough.   Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too.  We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life.  When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.  


So I'll say it again:  Thank you for being a blessing in my life.  Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me.  You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.  


The greatest of all these things is love.

I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!


And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!

I'm Broken But Help Me Walk by Faith, Lord.

Last night I sat and talked with Dad Flowers about Heaven and about Dave being there.  What is Heaven like?  Heaven is a place of perfection, of no tears, pain, or regrets.  We'll have new bodies and not these frail, weak, sick bodies that we've learned to live with.  We'll be in the presence of the living God and I'm sure the things of 'earth will go strangely dim' compared to the world we live in on earth where there is so much pain, sickness and evil.  I talked to a friend, Geoff, the other day and he told me that when he gets to Heaven, he's got a few questions he's going to ask God.  When his wife died of cancer about 4 years ago, he was left to bring up 2 young daughters, he lost a large sum of money, his business changed and he even lost his ministry. In response, he got angry at God and wondered what he had done to anger God so much.  Personally, I think that when we get to Heaven, all of the questions we have, will be gone as soon as we see Him face to face.  The things we hold so dearly here, will not matter at all.  Geoff said that it's like Job.  He'd been questioning God through all his trials but when God spoke to him, Job was speechless. (Job 37 & 38)

I went out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday, my father-in-law's birthday and my sister-in-law's birthday and as I sat next to Rhonda, I again said that when I think of all I have lost over the last 18 months, I still feel that it would have been better for God to have taken me instead of Dave.  I don't want to start all over again.  I don't want to deal with the crap that I'm dealing with and I don't like the pain and heartbreak I'm experiencing right now.  I miss Dave so much.  Being here with his parents is wonderful, but in a couple of days, I'll have to say goodbye to them too.  I still want to have the life that Dave and I were going to have but I want it with him.  It's hard to convey just how much this hurts and I don't want to come across as whinging and full of self-pity.  It's all just part of grief.

Rhonda said to me, what I've heard from other people who love me and believe in me also say, that God didn't take me home yet because I'm still here for a purpose.  Who knows what God is going to do in my life?  Who knows what 'great things' He has in store for me?  While I try to believe that, and in my heart I do know that, it doesn't really stop the tears but yes, it is comforting to know that in the midst of all this hurt, He is walking beside me, constantly loving me and He will make it all good.

You've probably realised that songs are playing an important part in my healing as they remind me of the truths I need to hear.  Another song that played constantly yesterday, then played on the radio tonight, is by Jeremy Camp called, "Walk by Faith".  I do want to walk by faith and trust God even though it all seems so dark and uncertain right now.   These are the words:

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith