Troubles and Blessings

I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life.  I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach.  The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water.  The view is always the same and yet it's not.  A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.


I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,


"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".


I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that.  She is so creative and artistic.  I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.

Write your troubles in the sand.  


Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain.  Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering.  I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight.  I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not.  She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life.  As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life.  I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives.  It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about a blog that a woman keeps after her husband was killed tragically in an accident almost a year ago.  She writes so well and all that she says, I can relate to yet, when I write my blog posts, sometimes I feel that I can't convey those thoughts as well as what she does.  As she expressed her pain, I wondered if I loved Dave enough.  I wanted to call Dan and have him reassure me like he said once before, "You loved David dearly".  I was thankful that someone put on my Facebook page, "Don't forget- moving forward isn't leaving Dave behind. You will always take him with you in your heart."  I don't need them to tell me that I loved Dave dearly, I know that I did but sometimes, I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home.  I still feel like he is just away on a longer trucking trip and it's been much too long and I'm tired of him being away.  I know that he won't be coming home, but every day, to get through the day, there's a part of me that is still thinking that this will all be over soon.  He is so much a part of my life.


Write your blessings in stone


I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given.  I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support.  I hope I tell them enough.   Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too.  We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life.  When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.  


So I'll say it again:  Thank you for being a blessing in my life.  Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me.  You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.  


The greatest of all these things is love.

I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!


And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!

Thanksgiving 2011

Last night I was lying in bed, thinking of Thanksgiving and thinking about how I have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful for Dave, who he was, who he is to me and for everything we shared together.  I am thankful that he brought me into his life, to his family which became mine, his friends who became my friends and for bringing me into his home.  By being his wife, I didn't just 'inherit' his family and friends, I also made friends who I could bring into his life.  We enriched each other's life and I am thankful.


I feel like today should be a holiday for me.  It's Thanksgiving in the States right now and I'm not there to celebrate it with the people I love and who love me.  Last night, we celebrated my new job and we had roast lamb with peas, carrots and roast potatoes.  I am thankful for my new job here.


It's hard to be here at this time.  It's a time when I am upset that Dave has passed away and that I am here in Australia when I should be home with him.  We had so much more living to do, so many more memories to make.  He was starting to make plans and looking forward to enjoying life with me beside him and now, all those hopes and dreams will never be realised.  


I feel so far away.
I am thankful for my family and friends on the other side of the world.  I wish I could be there and I know it's not going to be any 'better/easier' when Christmas gets here either.


I am thankful for Dave.  I love Dave.  I miss him so much!

Days Like These

Alexander had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day after he woke up with gum in his hair and tripped over his skateboard so he wanted to move to Australia.  Well obviously I moved to Australia where gum is a type of leaf that koalas feed off and I haven't seen any koalas yet, only dead kangaroos, echidnas and kookaburras.  I didn't even see the wallaby that visits Carolyn's place last weekend.


In the meantime, I have days that aren't anything to write home about, when my diet coke is flat but still cold, when the weather is rainy but not snowing, when I'm feeling melancholy and I moan about not having a job, my own home/space and my tangible reminders of the wonderful memories I shared with Dave. But even on days are like that, I still have blessings of love, friendship, joy and laughter.  I still have family and friends who are worth more than any gum leaves or juicy fruit gum.


On Sunday night when I arrived back at Karen's, I was feeling despondent about no job and not being able to move forward until I have one.  Yes, I know what I wrote in my last post but even knowing, still requires faith and trust which is intangible at times.  Karen turned to her husband, Steve and said, "We need to pray right now" and so we did.  The next afternoon when I was getting ready to go shopping, I received a phone call from a principal who wants to interview me tomorrow afternoon at 2pm.  I am very hopeful about this position.  My interaction with the principal has been very positive and the school is on the outskirts of the 'city' and yet close to the rural community.  The school is a good size and seems to have the resources and colleagues to ensure that I would feel very comfortable there.


I love my family!  You are all so very special to me and I am glad for phone calls and Skype.  I am glad that I am able to spend time with Nathan, driving places together and sharing on an 'adult' level with mutual love and respect.  I am thankful that my family, and those close friends who are like family to me, bring smiles and laughter into my life and your encouragement and love helps me to keep putting one step in front of the other.


Today, I found out that to change my surname to Flowers, in Australia, is going to require more paperwork and cost almost $100.  Apparently my marriage certificate, USA permanent resident card, WA state driver's licence, US social security number, Victorian Teacher's registration card is not enough proof that my last name is Flowers.  I have had 3 police checks in the last 18 months or so - 2 were Australian and still that is not enough.  I should be used to all this paperwork.  Dave hated paperwork and even though I didn't like it, someone had to do it.  


So, that's it for now.  


Just another thought, if this is the 'only' post you can read, because you came here directly from FB, then just click on the title, "The Garden Trail" and that will bring up the last 7, including this one.


Thanks for praying for me.  Thanks for thinking of me.    

Being A Part of Dave's Family

I was talking to my friend, Sonya today when we talked about me being a part of Dave's family.  I miss them so much and sometimes I wonder if they fully comprehend just how much I belong to them.  I acknowledged to her that Dave is so much a part of who I am today and therefore his family is mine, too.  Sonya replied, "Yes - and you can't set aside your "Flowers" side. It would be like amputating a limb or something" and I said more accurately, "Or taking out my heart" and if you know me or have gotten to know me through my 'journey', then you will know that what I say is true.

I'm chatting to Dave's brother, Bob while I write this and in reply to his comment that I am part of their family, loved by each of them and prayed for daily, I said, "I miss everyone so much and feel so far away from you all.  I love you all so much and yes, I miss Dave like crazy.  Death is so final and I'm crazily in love with him and yet he's out of reach."  The times I chat with them on Skype, on the phone or in emails, just makes me miss them more, but it's good too.  It's bittersweet because it's because of love and being family that it hurts to miss them.

Anyway, I was also discussing with my friend Wendy today about some of the 'minor' changes that have happened to me because of my time in the States.  Simple vocabulary things like:

Purse = Handbag.  When I was in the States, I kept calling the 'purse' a handbag, now that I'm back in Australia, I keep calling my handbag a purse.

Gas = Petrol   I keep saying that I need to get gas.  On a side note, I'd forgotten that here, we pay AFTER we fill it up and we go inside to pay, not on the bowser outside.  Also, the petrol cap is not attached to the car so, I have to remember to put it back on before I drive off.

Driving on the other side of the road - When I first started driving on the right hand side of the road, I had to concentrate especially when turning left, and look forward to see where the lane was that I was driving into.  Now, when I am going to my car, I have to quickly look inside the car to see what side the steering wheel is on to make sure I go to the right side of the car.

Miles vs Kilometres - When Nathan and I were test driving cars, I kept checking to see how many miles it had done and Nathan kept reminding me that "we use 'kilometres', mum."

Mobile Phone= Cell Phone - Often catch myself saying "cell phone" instead of mobile phone.  At least it's quicker to write/type cell phone than the other way.

Clothes/Prices - When I first walked into a store (shop - I am still finding it hard to say shop instead of store), I was dismayed by the prices of clothes and the quality of the clothing for those prices.  I had forgotten the difference.

These are just a few of the things I am having to readjust to again.  It just surprises me when I catch myself rethinking things that I thought were second nature to me.  One time when Dave and I were driving, he got upset at me because I had gotten the number of the address wrong. (I hadn't - he had misheard) and I went quiet rather than argue with him.  A few minutes later, he apologised and said that he forgets that not everything that is second nature to him, is like that for me and that I've had to make changes that he isn't aware of. 

So many thoughts I have and right now the season is for me to wait and be patient and take a step at a time.  It's the season for me to grieve but also for me to figure out who I am, what my priorities are now and what kind of life I am going to live.  All too soon I will get busy again when I have a job so I need to be able to just use this time to reflect, refresh and heal.  I sometimes try to jump ahead and find out something way down the track but I have to be content with what is now.  Like I read today, "Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He  works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?.....  I am unable to undertand all that God is doing in me and it is impossible to try."

Today I went driving with one of my good friends (I am very blessed to have quite a few) and I was able to take more photos of the beach.  It will be so nice when I finally get an SLR camera. 

P.S.  If some of my blog posts seem repetitive, maybe it's just because it's constantly on my mind or something... No apology from me. :)

Keep Moving Along the Garden Trail

Right now I'm in an aeroplane.. (well I was when I wrote it in the book but now I'm typing it here, I'm in San Francisco airport.)  At 11pm I'll be flying from San Fran back to Australia.  The passenger next to me is quiet and reading from her "Kindle".  I'm sure if I made the effort, I could engage her in conversation, but with my heart feeling sad and me trying to hold back the tears, I don't bother.  Refreshments are coming and of course I'll have a diet coke,

Technology has changed so much that while I am at the airport, I can log on to the internet on my laptop.  When I was at Seattle, I skyped with my sister Lindy, read and replied to emails and checked Facebook.  It certainly helped to make the time go by quicker.

I read in the in-flight magazine that;

     "Many Hollywood movies are built on some sort of cheesy quest in which the character goes through the crucible of: 1. the death of a loved one 2. a trip to a faraway land and 3. an inner journey, often spiritual, that parallels the real one."

Hollywood here I come! And we all know that the classic Hollywood movie ends "happily ever after".

I have a bunch of mixed emotions swirling around my heart and my head and 'hope' is trying to embrace even the loss and pain so that I can move forward in life.  When I was leaving home last Sunday, I thought about pulling over to the side of the road so that I could take photos of the views I was leaving behind.  As I considered it, I told myself that I needed to keep moving forward.

Right now there's the urge to start counting my losses, replaying the 'farewells' of those I love so much.  There's the constant tugging of my heart strings to think about Dave, about the memories we shared and the love that grew between us.  I keep looking at my wedding ring and keep picturing the loving look in his eye, the smile on his face as he would hold me closely.  I keep looking around at the passengers on this plane and fleetingly wonder who they are and what their story is.

There's another pull at my heart, the hope that urges me forward.  The knowledge that when I return to Australia, I will be welcomed and loved by family and friends.  Over the next few weeks/months, a new chapter in my life will begin to unfold and I will experience some kind of purpose and sense for all that has shaped me over the past two years.

However, I must admit that after reading grief books, fiction & non-fiction, watching movies and TV shows where a loved one has died, I wonder if I will have a melt-down in a public place or even if I will resort to hiding myself away, eating bucketloads of chocolate, consuming large quantities of diet coke and staying in my pjs for days on end.

On the other hand, I'll be living close to the beach at first, and so I can look forward to long walks that are healing and prayerful and refreshing.  I'm also thinking of buying a bicycle so that I can go riding and maybe ride with friends like Melanie K and Karen.  So far it seems that God has decided I still have a future on this earth, so until that changes, I guess I'll have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, along the Garden Trail He has placed me on.

Dave's Family are My Family

Forgive yourself: for being angry or disappointed with others, including the one who died and left you; for being powerless to have prevented the loss; for everything you wish you had or hadn’t done.  # 9 “Grief Therapy” edited by Karen Katafiasz.

It’s raining, it’s pouring and it’s dark outside.  I’m sitting in the living room with Mom while Dad loads the dishwasher.   The clock has just chimed 8 o’clock and is now ticking away the time I have left here.  I said goodbye to Dan and Rhonda today.  Mom says, “Don’t say goodbye.  It’s too final” so I change it to “fare well”.   No words can truly convey how much they mean to me and how utterly thankful I am for their support, love and friendship.  Dave and Dan were not just brothers, they were best friends and even before I knew Dan, I loved him for being the brother that he was to Dave.

Funny thing is, when I met Dan two years ago, we had both heard of each other from Dave and now were face to face, checking each other out, I guess.  Dan later told Dave that I was more sensible than he thought I would be.  I asked Dave if that was because Dave had given him that impression from the words he had used to describe me or if it was because Dan didn’t think anyone could like Dave so much and be that sensible. 

Dan told me last week, “Either she loved him very much or she had no sense”.  I’m glad he realised it was the former. 

The heater warms the livingroom and mom brings my phone over to me as I had left it on the kitchen table.  When I came here with Dave two years ago, Mom said, “And who are you??!!” Two years ago when I was here for Dad’s 90^th birthday, Dave and I hadn’t really made public our relationship because we were still working through our own issues of what we meant to each other.  On the Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk through the woods, just the 2 of us and it was on that walk that I knew that I loved Dave and wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  As I walked behind him on that narrow trail, I wondered what he would say if I proposed to him but I didn’t propose because I wanted him to figure it out on his own.

I loved mom and dad from that weekend on.  I admired their faith, I admired them for having been married for more than 60 years and having brought up 6 children.  I laughed when I heard stories about the way the kids had grown up.  I listened to the beautiful music that Brent, Denise and their sons, mom and Dan made on Sunday morning church.  I felt a part of this family even before I was a part of this family.

Dad just walked past pushing his Cadillac walker and asks Mom,”Whatcha doing there, hon?” and I watch and listen, thankful to be a part of this family.

Tomorrow Dad and Mom will drive me to the bus stop so that I can get a shuttle bus to the airport.  We don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  As I type, we eat the Lindt Lindor Truffles that Dan and Rhonda gave me.  Yummy!

There will be tears tomorrow but the tears of parting are worth the love we all share.

Thank you Lord for this family I belong to.  Thank you for the love that we share, the love that binds us together through the good times and tough times, the love that will keep on going as we keep on going.