Squash

During school today, one of the CRTs (teacher subs) asked me what I was doing after work and informed me that she had booked a squash court for almost 2 hours and wondered if I'd like to go and have a hit with her and her sister.  At first I was hesitant, but then decided it was a great idea.  I used to play competition squash until it closed down in the town I lived at - about 5 or so years ago.  Dave used to say that squash was a boring game even though I don't think he had ever really played it.

I made sure that I got everything done that needed to be done and then we drove back to my place so I could change into more appropriate clothes and I followed her to the courts as I wasn't sure where they were.  We walked in and I was introduced to the owner/manager and I had a great chat to her while Vanessa and her sister warmed up and had a hit.  I signed up and paid my membership because I remember how much I used to enjoy playing squash.  Vanessa had given me a squash racquet as she had quite a few and this one hadn't even been used.  I bought a thicker grip and as Vanessa and I played, I began to remember how to play.

Hit the ball down the walls.

Run to the "T".

Serve it into the back corner.

Drop it in front if your opponent is in the back.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Keep your eye on the ball.  Don't be distracted by what shot you will make next or what shot you made last time.  Focus.  Vanessa and her sister have been playing for years - since they were little but they hadn't played in about 6 months.  They are almost half my age but I enjoyed myself.  It was good to get back on the squash court.  The manager told me to make sure I take it easy on myself because I haven't played for so long. Squash can be a challenging and exhausting game and perhaps I will wake up tomorrow a little bit sore but it was worth it.

Vanessa's friend called to cancel their dinner plans so she and I went to the fish n' chip shop that is run by the parents of one of my students.  "Mum" thanked me for the work I was putting into helping her son and then told me to do whatever it takes to get her boy working hard.  The fish n' chips are always good there and after we ate, Vanessa and I swapped photos and even watched the Hamish and Andy DVD "Gap Year" and caught a glimpse of Dave and I at the combine harvester's demolition derby.  It was good to be able to talk about Dave and share memories of him with new friends.

It was a good night and I look forward to playing squash again weekly.  Eventually I will buy my own racquet and a pair of squash 'runners'. (sneakers)  I didn't need those in the States so hadn't kept my own.  I wonder what ever happened to the one (or 2?) trophies I had won in squash comps.

Always With Me

I'm a gonna have to toughen up my fingers again and relearn the guitar chords before I take my guitar into school to sing songs with my students!  I just tuned my guitar up which was badly out of tune and then played some songs out of a very 'cool' kids song books.  It had those old songs that I used to sing as a kid, TV themes, movie songs and songs like "Edlweiss",  "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man",. "Splish Splash". "The Old Grey Mare", "Working On the Railway", "Jesus Loves Me" etc.  I taught my class, "Black Socks" yesterday, without the guitar and they sang it well.  I am looking forward to being able to sing with my class - when I get a little more proficient in my playing.

Earlier today, as I was driving to my brother's surprise party and when I was driving home again, I turned to a radio station that played music from the 80's and I am quite sure now, that I am beginning to find music and song in me again.  I was singing along when I knew the words and tapping along when I didn't.  It's been a long time since I have felt like singing and I'm glad it's coming back.

At the family webpage, someone asked how everyone was doing/dealing with their grief.  The song that came to my mind was one that Gavin Degraw sings, "If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine... No matter what I say, I'm not over you."  The thing is, I am moving forward but I hate saying that because I feel like people will assume that I am 'over it' and I'm not.  Even today, I noticed that Dave is uppermost in my thoughts and even when I'm talking about something else, I want to add in the 'Dave bit'. 

To attend my brother's birthday, we were to dress up in gear that reflected the 60s so I borrowed a poncho from a good friend, added some flower stickers to a ribbon I had and wore my cowboy boots and jeans.  As soon as I could though, I took off the poncho and wore Dave's marooon coat. It was a coat he wore  often especially when we were out with the horses and as I emptied out the pockets, I noticed some of the crushed up horses' treats spilled out.  I am still wearing the jacket even though I would usually take coats off when I entered a home.

Last night I was very cold so today I bought an electric blanket which reminded me of Dave.  I would go upstairs early to turn the electric blanket on but he would always complain that it wasn't hot enough so he would turn it way up high, intending to turn it down later.  However, he would fall asleep despite the heat and the heat would radiate onto my side of the bed and be too hot for me to sleep.  To add to that, he would be cuddling me anyway, so I was way too hot!  The electric blanket we had was on top of the mattress, not on top as a blanket.  The one I bought today is fleecy lined, goes on the mattress and has extra warmth where the feet are. Dave and I both used to have cold feet and he would put his feet on me to get them warm. 

At the party, I talked to one of my brother's friends who was originally from the States and who has experience and knowledge of horses and saddles.  She has a Western saddle too and gave me some advice on saddles, agistment and places to go.  She is another friend who would be willing to come with me when I go to check out a horse.  As we talked about horses, it was again with Dave memories and I enjoyed being able to bring him constantly into our conversation. 
So, although I am doing fine and getting on with life, Dave is ever a part of me and my life with him is a part of my life now.  Wherever I go, I take him with me especially in my thoughts and in my heart.  Like Winnie the Pooh said, "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."  Dave will be with me forever. I still miss him and I still love him so much!!!

Hope, Dreams, Blessings and a Horse

Last night as I was lying in bed reflecting on my day with family and friends and counting my blessings, I asked myself a very important question.  "If I could have just one more thing in my life, what would it be?"  The obvious answer was, "My own horse".

I made up a photo collage of the horses Dave and I had.  Two beautiful thoroughbred mares with their own personality and very patient and affectionate.  When I was looking for a horse of my own, I couldn't choose between Stormy (Warrior's Love) and Dee (Detour Sign) so I convinced Dave that I needed to buy both so that he could have and ride Stormy.  Stormy was 17 hh so the perfect size for my tall husband and as he got on her, he admitted that it had been awhile since he had ridden a 'real' horse.  He looked so good on Stormy and I enjoyed riding beside him on Dee. 

"To many, the words love, hope and dreams are synonymous with horses."

I know I sometimes make owning a horse a big deal in my blog posts but it does mean a lot to me. Riding is something I've always enjoyed and always wanted to have as part of my life.  When Dave and I were married, that dream came true for me and now that I've started all over again back in Australia, I want to own a horse again as a reminder of the life I shared with Dave and also because it's something I enjoy.  I've started buying magazines (Town & Country Farmer and Horse & Rider) to feed my interest and passion, to teach me and also to help me understand my 'dream'.  Fred says that those magazines only show the glossy side of farming life and while that's partly true, I am also sensible enough to know about having to repair fences in the snow, chasing horses back into the pasture when it's late (or early) and having responsibility for taking care of a horse.  I've done that before and I want to do it again.

Having said that, I am content with what I have now.  I enjoy my job, I am making new friends and renewing 'old' friendships. I am beginning to rebuild my library again and renew interests and hobbies I have had in the past.  A new friend gave me a brand new squash racquet and we will be playing squash together, soon.  Nathan gave me back my "old" guitar again and in the mail today, I received a box of books including a book called, "Children's Songs" with 80 songs that include complete lyrics, chord symbols and guitar chord diagrams.  Another plus is, when I was looking for my electronic tuner, I found the "Playing the Guitar" teaching book that I had bought back in the States.  Perhaps I'll even pick that up again and start 'stretching' myself to learn how to play the guitar more proficiently.  I know I should.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, much less what will happen in a month's time, a year's time or even beyond that.  All I can do is take a day at a time. A quote I read today in a little book I received called, "Passions..... Horse-riding" said, "A horse gallops with it's lungs, perseveres with its heart, and wins with its character." Federico Tesio (1869-1954) and a Chinese proverb says, "Distance tests a horse's strength.  Time reveals a person's character."   

Family Day

Before I left home to go and spend some time with my son and his girlfriend today, I chatted with Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype.  It was only a brief chat but with the different time zones and me working full-time, it's hard to catch them at the right time.  Yesterday I had to call them on the phone and ask them to turn on the computer so we could Skype together.  I love chatting with Dad and Mom and watching them interact.  So many years of marriage is testimony to God's grace and as I talk to them, I often catch a glimpse of Dave and a little understanding/reminder of who he was and who he takes after.

I was thinking about the blog post I wrote yesterday and was thinking about how Dave and I used to say that "Life isn't fair".  We've probably all said it before and I know I've said it quite a lot since Dave passed away.  It isn't fair.  We know this and yet, when something goes wrong, we act surprised and even angry at the unfairness of it all.  Life isn't fair and yet, we still expect it to be.  We also think that it should be balanced.  When life dishes out something unfair, it should then dish out some kind of reward for when we make it through the unfairness.  I know I think this way at times.  I think it's about time that I had some stability in my life, that I could make plans for the future and feel positive that it would happen, that I could own a horse and go riding regularly and all sorts of other things I would like in my life.  But then, I often wish that I could have Dave back, just for one more day.. that would never end.  Every time I wake up and remember a dream I had, it ends the same way - with me going home to Dave.

I drove down to the beach and while I waited for Nathan, I talked on speaker phone to my beautiful (step)daughter and her husband.  She was married the day after Dave's funeral, which was supposed to have been her wedding day and she is having a 'honeymoon' baby so is due in a couple weeks.  I told her husband that when she starts cleaning, he can predict she'll be having the baby within the next 24 hours. lol  It was good to chat with them.  Dianne told me that Riley (the dog) is doing a lot better.  Apparently after I left, he went into a little state of depression and lost a lot of weight.  I know that when Dave passed away, Riley became very protective of me and wouldn't even let the neighbour talk to me even though the neighbour was good friends with him and had even taken porcupine needles out of Riley's face. 


By the time Nathan arrived, I was feeling very happy and loved by my family.  He talked to Dianne a little bit and while we were at the pier, we saw a car being pulled out of the water.  Nathan and I both have an active imagination and were making up a lot of different scenarios as to what happened.  Nathan looked for clues and we both saw the man sitting in the car with a brass plated telescope to his eye looking out over the ocean.  When I was camping with the king and queen a couple weeks ago, the 'king' commented that "Sometimes you need to put your imagination to bed, Carolanne" but it was good to see that my son has inherited that trait from me, too.

I had a lovely time with Nathan and Melanie and we looked around an old antique type market.  I saw old dolls, furniture and 'retro' clothing and part of me wondered why people would hold on to their childhood stuff for so long and then, on the other hand, why people would try to recapture and buy back their childhood or past.  I had dolls like that when I was growing up.  Our family had a lamp in the loungeroom that was similar to the one being sold at the corner stall and those clothes!!!?  Sure some of it might have been valuable but that old pink painted fridge with the painted lime green insides???  I realise that one person's junk is another person's treasure but sometimes people need to stop and think about why they really want that stuff.  We can't buy back our past and we need to move forward and live in the present.

I went for a little drive further along the coast and followed the rainbow to the water's edge.  The sky and the rainbow rising from the water and a peak of land reminded me of God's unfathomable love and awesome power.  I visited with a good friend and we sat around and chatted about what a small world it is.  She started telling me of a dream/plan she had for the future and as it unfolded and as I added little bits of information on my part, I was reminded of how God wraps up our lives with a pretty bow to demonstrate His love for us.  While we wonder what our future holds, while we reflect on our past, while we view the broken pieces of our lives and even the joys, He has the whole picture in His hands.  I don't know how to express it as adequately as it is. 

It's like this photo.  It is beautiful but it was taken after the rain and there are still some grey clouds lingering nearby.  It looks calm but underneath lurks the possibility of sharks or other dangers but it doesn't matter because the rainbow reminds us that God's promises are true.  That no matter what we go through, He is in it with us and He unwraps it piece by piece for us, as much as we can take at a time, so that each time we look back, we can see His handiwork, His love, in all of it.

My Heart

Wow - I've only been gone a week and blogger.com have changed their layout.  More change.  I should be able to take all kinds of changes in my stride by now, shouldn't I?  I can see some friends out there reading this, nodding their head, tsking out loud saying, "I knew she wouldn't last.  I knew she would be back blogging sometime soon."  Well, as that is obviously the case, I am willing to concede that I knew it was only for an indefinite period of time and I would also like to add that it's a positive thing that I am writing again.  Even this morning, as I was cleaning my home, I was also 'dancing' around to the Neil Diamond music in the background and found myself singing along. 

Last weekend, I was a mess.  I felt like a ton of bricks had been thrown into my stomach, my heart was heavy and breaking all over again and I wanted to curl up in my bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there for the rest of my days.  I had started unpacking one of the boxes, sorting it out into a new mobile, storage tray and had unearthed the Valentines card and birthday card, Dave had given me.  Dave always put a lot of thought into cards he bought and as I read those words, I felt like I was reading his heart and how he felt towards me and it made me cry because I miss him so much.  I could not bring myself to do anything much except cry, mope about and cry some more. 

I got into my car to go for a drive and at an intersection, there was a guy with his TShirt hanging out of his pockets, squirting water onto windscreens, washing it and then putting his hand out for money.  As he came towards me, I told him "no" but he insisted and went ahead with it.  He tried to engage me in conversation but I didn't even attempt to bring my sanguine nature to the forefront.  I handed him over a couple of gold coins and he thanked me profusely. 

Anyway, as I was driving back home listening to a CD that my friend Janice had given me, I realised that I needed to make a choice about my grief.  Yes, it hurts. Yes I miss Dave and yes, I have lost a lot and it's downright hard!  No, it's not easy to start all over again in every single aspect of my life and yes, I know I also have a lot to be thankful for.  Ultimately though, it's not about me and it's not about Dave.  It all comes down to who I am and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  He does want to pour His love into my heart and wants me to rest in His hands without worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

Dave often teased me about having a romantic mindset.  It's not just in the movies we watch, even the sad songs we listen to, still have a positive spin to them.  "I will survive", "Life goes on", "This time...." "I am free".  I get caught up in music and it affects my attitude and outlook on life.  I tried listening to positive songs last weekend but even the cheerful songs made me cry because I was focussed on my loss.  However, as I listened to the CD "The Story", God began to work in my heart. 

Janice picked a song for her and I, "I'm With You" which reflects the story of Ruth and Naomi and it begins, "Love is a hurricane in a blue sky, I didn't see it coming, never knew why.  All the laughter and the dreams.  All the memories in between.  Washed away in a steady stream.  Love is a hunger, a famine in your soul, thought I planted beauty, but it would never grow, Now I'm on my hands and knees, trying to gather up my dreams, trying to hold on to anything. And we could shake a fist in times like this, when we don't understand, or we could just hold hands....."

After that song, the song that really played to my heart is called "Your Heart" and is about the story of David.  The chorus is, "At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say, My heart looks like your heart, my heart looks like  Your heart, When the world looks at me, let them agree, that my heart looks like your heart.... When the world looks at me, I pray that all they see Is my heart looks like Your heart...Unashamed I will dance, In Your name, I lift my hands, Til my heart looks like your heart."

As I went back to school this week, I felt a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be done.  In the past, teaching has been second nature to me and it's only that this is a 'new' job/school, that I keep wavering in my confidence.  There are no issues I haven't dealt with before, no student who does something I haven't encountered before and although I can find my class challenging at times, I want my students to have the best and be the best.  I want them to enjoy learning and grow in knowledge and maturity.  My main 'worry' is paperwork.  I am proficient at procrastinating and when I am overwhelmed by a task, I have been known to throw up my arms, say "I can't!" and get stressed. 

When I felt like that this week, I just wanted Dave to be here and put things into perspective for me.  I wanted him to hold me close and I wanted to feel his arms around me.  I wanted to be able to sit beside him and not have to worry about what tomorrow would bring.  Weirdly, I touch a photo of him, hoping to "feel" him but it's just a photo and the matte finish doesn't feel anything like he felt.  Yes, I still remember his touch.

One of the teachers came to give me some support during my planning time and I had all the folders and papers open ready for her.  I told her what my concerns were and she listened, then calmly gave me a simple solution.  The end result is, I am now caught up again on the things that were holding me back.  In future, I need to learn to ask for help and realise that the reason God puts people in our lives is so that we can encourage and support each other.  None of us were ever meant to do it all on our own.

Why Blogging

This blog was intended to be nothing more than a reflection of my thoughts and actions as I journeyed along the garden trail of my life without my beloved Dave.  It was a place for me to come and share from my heart, my grief, my hope, my blessings and my memories as I moved forward on my own.  As I have shared honestly, some family and friends have been encouraged and have encouraged me as they walked beside me and prayed for me.  That was a side benefit of the blog but it wasn't the reason I blogged.  It wasn't about anyone else.

Sometimes comments people have made, have made me feel that I need to be careful and choose my words and make my blog posts positive even when I wasn't feeling that way.  Grieving isn't warm sunshine and blue skies and yet, on the whole, I have tried to turn blog posts into positive reflections so as not to make others feel uncomfortable.  Dave often told me that I should pay less attention to what others think and say but that's easier said than done.  I want people to feel good and to like me.  I don't like to offend and hurt other people's feelings so when words are said to me, I sometimes mull over them and give them more credence than they deserve.

Opening up my heart and sharing honestly makes me vulnerable and open to being hurt by others.  Considering the stuff I am dealing with in my life, all the changes etc that I am having to make, the rebuilding of my life, I do not feel that it is wise to continue blogging about my journey of grief.  I was talking with one of my good friends last night and she said, "Don't ever wipe it out as if it didn't exist and it's up to us and others to try to understand. You don't have to worry that people don't...you have enough to do just with getting over the loss ♥"

So I am going to take a break for an indefinite period of time while I focus on what I need to do to move forward in my life and rebuild what I have lost.  Perhaps I will write from time to time but I make no promises.  Thank you for your love and support.  Please continue to pray for me because walking along this garden trail is not easy in any shape or form.

Rebuilding What I No Longer Have

Nathan and I just finished watching the DVD Hook.  A quote from the movie is: "To live would be an awfully big adventure."  I'm not sure I'd describe my life as an adventure but it has certainly taken some unpredictable twists and turns and thrown me around a bit.  The trail marked out by grief is full of ups and downs, shadows, glimpses of sunshine, slippery and rocky.  While I was away with friends during the first part of my vacation, I went shopping with the queen.  I saw a poster in the store that read:

God knows your purpose.  Do you? "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a purpose." Jer. 29:11  I bought the poster because it asks a very good question.  Do I know the purpose God has for my life? It was all very simple to answer when I was sharing my life with Dave and had him by my side, but when he passed away, my whole life changed and I am no longer fully certain of my purpose in life.

I had a lovely time away with my friends and over the Easter weekend we went camping with some of their friends as well.  As they sat around and talked about their lives, and their families, I realised that my friends here in Australia have missed out on knowing Dave and me.  They know that I was married to Dave and they know that we shared our lives together, but they didn't have any mutual adventures and memories to share with us.  When they see me, it is almost as if that part of me didn't happen and that I am still the same person I was before June 12th, 2010.  I am still doing the same 'old' thing that I was before I was married to Dave and living in the States.  They didn't see who I was with Dave and who we were together.  That hurts.

I received an email from a good friend who lives in Spokane and who knows Dave and me.  She wrote: "Thinking about you and praying that you experience His hope, joy, and love in very real and tangible ways this Easter and everyday.

Even though the holidays are bittersweet without Dave's physical presence, I challenge you to take some time to just bask in God's unfathomable love for you - all that Easter means."

Over my time away, I pondered, (sometimes out loud to the queen) about where I'm supposed to be headed now.  Starting all over again, building things up from scratch is hard, sometimes more difficult than I can express.  Sometimes it's the little things.  Like finding out that all my music books are gone even though I know I had some with me in Reardan.  Nathan gave me back my guitar but I have no music to use and I am not proficient enough in my playing, to play without music.  I have my sewing machine back but I have no material, no cottons, elastics and pins.  I have bookshelves and my friend gave me back 50 of my books but all the kids' books and other books I have bought over the years are gone.  I have a DVD player and I'm slowly rebuilding my DVD library.  I have only 3 games to go with my Wii...  These are things that are  of varying degrees of importance to me and will take time and money to build up again.

I no longer have Dave.  I wanted to share the rest of my life with him and began investing in our time together.  Other couples can go camping together, share their concerns for their children and make plans for their future but I do not have that.  And I cried because it doesn't seem fair to have to start all over again.  I know that God's love is far deeper and stronger than the ocean waves I saw and the strong tall trees I walked among.  I know that this life is only temporary and we are to move forward and lay up treasures for ourselves in Heaven but I am on my own and alone.

A friend recently asked me how I was doing and I replied, "Up and down, round and round, hopeful, sad and happy. I miss Dave way more than I can express and wish he was here with every breath that I take. At the same time, I take a day at a time, moving forward a step at a time. I know I have many blessings to be thankful for, many friendships that remind me I am loved but Dave is a part of me that is always missing." 

Today I read on Facebook, "When someone  you love dies, you never quite get over it.  You just slowly learn how to go on without them But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart."  Those words are very true.  Sometimes it seems too slowly and I long to be normal again but every morning when I wake up without Dave, I am wearing the cloak of grief and it's there when I go to sleep without Dave, in the evening.

A Saddle and A Swag

A couple of days ago I was visiting a shopping mall when in the corner outside a pet shop, I saw a western saddle.  The leather was good quality, the stitching intact and the price was good.  I thought it might be a dream come true and on the way home talked about the pros and cons with a good friend and decided to pursue the possibility of purchasing it. 

I've been reading a book called, "Life Without Limits" and a biography called, "My Life and Lesser Catastrophes".  In conversations with close friends and family, as well as my reading, the theme seems to be having a dream and pursuing it. 

Nick Vujicic says,
 ".. I was relying on what I could see.  I was focussed on my limitations rather than on my possibilities.

     We all have limitations... You should never live according to what you lack.  Instead, live as though you can do anything you dream of doing.  Even when  you suffer a setback or a tragedy, there is often an unexpected, totally improbable, and absolutely impossible benefit to be realized.  It may not happen right away.  You may at times wonder what good could possibly come of it.  But trust that it all happens for the good -- even tragedies can turn into triumphs."

It's hard for me to make goals and pursue it.  Over the last few years, my life has been anything but predictable and although dreams have been made, they haven't come to fruition and instead, my life keeps getting turned upside down.  Sometimes I wonder what the right side up is anymore.  I am torn between wanting to have a dream and pursue it and being scared to risk turning my life upside down and having to start all over again.  What do I really want in my life?  What do I want to be passionate about?  If I could have anything, what would it be?

The saddle is symbolic.  I want a western saddle because that's what I'm used to, because that's what I had in my life with Dave and because it is a visual reminder of the dream I have to own a horse and ride.  It's a dream I've had since I was a young, something I had in the life I shared with Dave and something I still want because of all that.  After thinking and talking about it, I realised that buying that particular saddle wasn't the best or practical option, yet.

I've spent some time with my friends, the king and queen and they keep telling me I need to think outside the box and think about what is important to me in my life.  I keep walking along this garden trail, moving forward trying to find a purpose for my life and trying to find where I belong and where I feel I can put down roots.  It is a process and at the moment, there's a need for me to try this, try that, see if I like it, see if it's something I can't live without and see if it fits me.  I want a quick fix but I'm also aware that it doesn't happen like that.  I am content with who I am and what I have but there's a desire to leave this chapter of my life and get on with whatever's next.

Today I looked out over the blue water with a glorious blue sky on the horizon, rolling green hills, sandy shores and solid rocks all within my view.  The wind blew through my hair and I loved the fresh smell of the ocean.  Tomorrow I will go with my good friends to a new place with a river to swim in, new friends to make and a swag to sleep in when night comes around.  I have never slept in a swag under the stars before and I'm looking forward to it!  Life continues and today we make choices that will affect tomorrow.