Troubles and Blessings

I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life.  I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach.  The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water.  The view is always the same and yet it's not.  A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.


I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,


"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".


I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that.  She is so creative and artistic.  I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.

Write your troubles in the sand.  


Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain.  Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering.  I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight.  I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not.  She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life.  As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life.  I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives.  It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about a blog that a woman keeps after her husband was killed tragically in an accident almost a year ago.  She writes so well and all that she says, I can relate to yet, when I write my blog posts, sometimes I feel that I can't convey those thoughts as well as what she does.  As she expressed her pain, I wondered if I loved Dave enough.  I wanted to call Dan and have him reassure me like he said once before, "You loved David dearly".  I was thankful that someone put on my Facebook page, "Don't forget- moving forward isn't leaving Dave behind. You will always take him with you in your heart."  I don't need them to tell me that I loved Dave dearly, I know that I did but sometimes, I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home.  I still feel like he is just away on a longer trucking trip and it's been much too long and I'm tired of him being away.  I know that he won't be coming home, but every day, to get through the day, there's a part of me that is still thinking that this will all be over soon.  He is so much a part of my life.


Write your blessings in stone


I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given.  I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support.  I hope I tell them enough.   Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too.  We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life.  When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.  


So I'll say it again:  Thank you for being a blessing in my life.  Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me.  You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.  


The greatest of all these things is love.

I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!


And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!

A Day Filled With Blessings!

What a special day I had today!  Every day, no matter how hard it's been, before I close my eyes at night I can always find something to give thanks about.  No matter how many tears I have cried and no matter how hurt I am feeling, even with things so unsettled,and while dealing with grief, there is always something to remind me of God's amazing love and goodness.  Even right now as I type these words, I hear kookaburras laughing.  Kookaburras are my favourite bird for a reason that goes back many years ago which I won't go into right now.  Suffice to say, when I hear a kookaburra laugh, I am reminded that God loves me so much and cares about me, to even the smallest things of my life.


Today was a lovely day with warm weather, blue skies and sunshine. My friend Carolyn, with whom I've been friends since we were about 5 or 6 years old, took me to a train carriage cafe that was set out in the bush with gum trees surrounding it and magpies that would swoop to the ground, then fly into the trees and sing their pretty song.  As we sat there talking, riders on their horses would go past and I'd be reminded of my horses and the fun it was to ride them.  Being so close to my brother's home, we drove there to catch up with him.  Carolyn had never been to the campsite before.  

While they chatted over a cuppa, I decided to go visit the horse in the paddock who was once known as "Mad Max" but then they renamed him to Max.  Max is about 26 years old and doesn't have as much energy has he once did.  It was good to run my hands down his neck, have his nose nuzzle into me and even had his tongue lick my arm.  It was good to feel his mane and to smell the distinctive smell that horses have.


Warren took us over to the large paddock where the sheep, lambs and  ram were grazing.  The dog tried to get up close but generally, the ewes were protective of their newborn.  We got up close to the ram and were able to pat it while my brother took a photo of us doing that.  

There was a lamb that was only one day old and another ewe had twins that were almost a week old but were still smaller than the day old lamb.  When I tried to get up close to take a photo, the mother ewe would get up to go with her lambs following her but when my brother got close, she even laid down in the long, green grass and kept her lambs close to her.  

Warren explained that if foxes got in, the ewes wouldn't necessarily fight back unless they were cornered.  He was hoping the lambs would get to be a few days older when they would have more strength and be too big for foxes to eat before a fox ventured in to their paddock.  Sometimes the mother ewe would leave her lambs unprotected so they had to learn to fend for themselves, quickly.


When Carolyn and I got back home, we went inside and I began uploading photos.  Her son and husband came in and then the kookaburras came to sit on the porch railings outside.  

The kookaburras let us get up close to them and I even got to pat one!  We didn't have any meat so we tried feeding them very tiny portions of a cracker.  They would take it in their mouth and then spit it out again because it wasn't their kind of food.  


A little later I sat there looking back over the day, thinking how blessed I was:  Getting to pat and play with a horse, getting to pat a ram and watching sheep and lambs skip over the paddock and then, to top it off, getting to pat a kookaburra and have it take 'food' from me!  Then there were the relationships that I had enjoyed that day: I got to Skype with Mom and Dad Flowers, got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn, got to chat with my son Nathan, visit my brother Warren and got in contact with my friend Karen.  Wow!  How blessed I am!  


To top it all off, tonight there was a most beautiful sunset!  I said to John, "Wow! Look at that sunset!!!!" and his reply was, "We get them all the time".  

What a beautiful day it has been.  Thank you, Lord!!!!

Imagine

On the way to work this morning, I was listening to the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe and I started thinking about Dave in Heaven.  I was thinking about him being free of this world, rid of his old, abused and weary body, walking around, laughing, smiling and knowing what it is to be loved unconditionally and completely, being able to 'live' without any pain, hurt, rejection and regrets.  It hurt me that he isn't here but then I thought how wonderful it is for him now. 

Today I had the privilege again of working at the Christian school, eating lunch with other staff members and sharing stories, laughs and memories.  When I was watching kids in the playground, a 5th grader asked me how it was all going and I told him fine and asked him the same.  He replied, "Not too bad.  It could be worse." The fifth grade teacher standing next to me, put her arm around me and said, "Mrs Flowers certainly knows that!" 

Because everything is starting to close in, sympathy, hugs and concerned tones of voices can cause me to weep.  Yesterday morning, Darwin told me to read a devotional reading that said, "Crying is the cure for weeping" and while that is true, weeping is so much more discreet when out in public.  I used to enjoy driving because it gave me time to think and process things.  Now when I drive, I have to keep trying to change my thinking and think of:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs...

As I drove home, I was thinking about how it seems like forever since Dave was alive, here with me.  Everything I feel, do and say is laborious at times, going through the motions and I've lost such a big part of me.  I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I enjoy, who I was before I come to the States, what it is that makes up 'me' including music and pretty things but also including the things that have enriched my life since being here; my horses, my friends and family here, my work at the Christian school.  It is so difficult to convey what I feel and don't feel.  

I tried going shopping for a birthday/Christmas present for Nathan and it's not that I don't want to get him something special, it's just that I find it really hard to shop right now.  I look at things that Dave and I looked at buying 'one day' for our home and things that could have made our home more homely.  Then I think about the fact that I don't have a home when I go back to Australia and that I don't even know what will fit, what I need, what I will want so I can't really buy anything anyway.  Besides, if I've only got 2 suitcases to live out of for the next 3 months, I have to be economical in what I do purchase especially after Monday when all my stuff gets shipped away.

I booked my tickets for leaving the States last night and I guess now it is starting to become 'final' as my time here slips by so quickly.  Saying 'goodbye' to people who are a part of my life is NOT easy.  Even tonight, when Alan, Tina and Nick were here, I was holding on to my horse Dee and Dave's horse, Stormy and just patting them, rubbing my face against their neck, 'kissing' Dee, talking to them, asking Stormy if she misses Dave, too.  I enjoyed playing with them but another one of those 'wish Dave was here' type thoughts. 

There is so much to think about and so much to do in the next few weeks and I wonder if I will remember what needs to be done.  Paperwork, knowing what to pack to ship over, what to keep out to pack in my suitcase. Tomorrow I will have to go through my closets, pack stuff into the armoire, dresser and night table.  I will have to make sure that I put my car on Craig's List to sell and hopefully it will sell very soon.  I think about all the Aussie words and expressions I'm going to have to revert back to using and I'll be able to stop pronouncing my 'r's and talk more Aussie again.  One thing I am looking forward to is roast lamb dinners, dim sims, sausage rolls and pasties at Connells and walking along the beach.  

So anyway, I was listening to the song I think reflects Dave and his life so well which is called, "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I listened and sung through most of the song when it was playing in my car and those words at the end spoke to my heart again.  

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise