My Birthday Was Yesterday

It’s the day after my birthday/farewell party.  Mixed emotions.Lots of sadness and tears.

I woke up early in the morning and headed to town to have my hair cut, coloured and curled.  Raven did a great job as usual and I went to Lon and Maurine’s where my party was to be held.  I was early which I was glad about.

I have many special friends who turned up to wish me a happy birthday and who also came to say “Farewell”.  When they didn’t cry, it was a lot easier to maintain my composure but tears weren’t far from the surface.  I kept trying not to cry by distracting myself with other mundane thoughts but Dave is never far from my mind and my heart.  I would think about how I loved to be held by him, how I loved the strength of his hands, how I loved to kiss him! I would remember that he will never again walk by my side. 

Some of the friends who came yesterday had been Dave’s friends for years, some of them had not been close but had known him for years and as I looked around the room, I realised that he had missed out on knowing the richness of the friendship that I had because of him.  Some of the friends there yesterday, I was only starting to get to know but no matter who it was, there was love.  I knew that if it weren’t for Dave, I wouldn’t even know these people who I had also given my heart to.

This morning, my no-son Son Nick, came around to do some shooting with me.  I didn’t want to leave the States without having shot a gun so he brought a 22 rifle, a shot gun and his 7 year old son who also had a 22 rifle.  They came at 7:30am and it was a lot of fun.  I’m so glad Nick took time out to come shoot with me.  Another memory.  As I hugged him goodbye (for the 4^th time) I said to him it gets easier and he asked, “Really?” and I laughed and said “No.”

The neighbours came and said goodbye to me this morning as they drove off to church and I finished loading up the car and got into the driver’s seat.  I sat and looked around and the tears came.  For the next few hours as I drove away from our home, it felt like a deluge of tears.  Songs came on the radio, thoughts, memories, more thoughts, lots of tears.  It felt like my heart was breaking, my insides were wrenching inside of me and I wondered if I would ever stop crying.

AS I drove away from the home I had shared with Dave, I thought that it would have been better for God to have taken me rather than Dave.  Dave had his life here, his family, a job, his home and he had something to look forward to.  I had that all with him but now that I’m leaving, I feel like I am leaving the life he had in store for him and the life we were going to have together.  I passed the place where we first kissed (MmmMmm), places we had visited together, and signs that pointed to places we wanted to visit together.  It seems so unfair that I have to start all over again, without him.

I stopped at Safeway in Leavenworth to get a sandwich.  Leavenworth was a place Dave and I would stop at on our way to his parents’ place and we’d walk around the stores, talking, planning, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  Because of the state I was in, I decided not to torture myself by doing that and stopped at Safeway instead.  The ‘silly’ young man making my sandwich decided to try and draw me into conversation and although I kept deflecting his enquiries by putting them back on him, he finally asked “So what brings you here? Vacation?Business??”  I told him that my husband had passed away 2 months ago and I was on my way back to Australia.  He expressed his condolences and told me that it looked like I was coping well.

I got to Mom and Dad Flowers home and the first thing Mom said when I walked in the door was, “I want you to stay here. Don’t go back to Australia” and I replied, “If only I could” and then I went outside to get my suitcase and try again to stop more tears.  I didn’t realise the tears’ well was so deep and full to overflowing over the brim of it.  So here I am, spending a few days with Mom and Dad, sharing with them and showing them the cards and gifts friends gave me.  Mom remarked, “Your friends have certainly expressed love for you!”  And it is true.  I have wonderful friends who love me very much and who believe in me.  They are expecting God to do great things in my life and I know He will, I just wish it could have been with Dave by my side!!!

If the weather is good tomorrow morning, I am thinking about going on a hike through the woods that Dave and I did almost 2 years ago to this date, where I followed behind him along the track and knew that I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  I don’t know if I will do it but there’s a part of me that really does want to do that walk again.  I know it would be tearful but I’d also use that time to help in the grieving process and also to have a talk with God about this ‘mess’ I am in. 

There’s a song on the radio by Matthew West called "Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

.......

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Imagine

On the way to work this morning, I was listening to the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe and I started thinking about Dave in Heaven.  I was thinking about him being free of this world, rid of his old, abused and weary body, walking around, laughing, smiling and knowing what it is to be loved unconditionally and completely, being able to 'live' without any pain, hurt, rejection and regrets.  It hurt me that he isn't here but then I thought how wonderful it is for him now. 

Today I had the privilege again of working at the Christian school, eating lunch with other staff members and sharing stories, laughs and memories.  When I was watching kids in the playground, a 5th grader asked me how it was all going and I told him fine and asked him the same.  He replied, "Not too bad.  It could be worse." The fifth grade teacher standing next to me, put her arm around me and said, "Mrs Flowers certainly knows that!" 

Because everything is starting to close in, sympathy, hugs and concerned tones of voices can cause me to weep.  Yesterday morning, Darwin told me to read a devotional reading that said, "Crying is the cure for weeping" and while that is true, weeping is so much more discreet when out in public.  I used to enjoy driving because it gave me time to think and process things.  Now when I drive, I have to keep trying to change my thinking and think of:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs...

As I drove home, I was thinking about how it seems like forever since Dave was alive, here with me.  Everything I feel, do and say is laborious at times, going through the motions and I've lost such a big part of me.  I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I enjoy, who I was before I come to the States, what it is that makes up 'me' including music and pretty things but also including the things that have enriched my life since being here; my horses, my friends and family here, my work at the Christian school.  It is so difficult to convey what I feel and don't feel.  

I tried going shopping for a birthday/Christmas present for Nathan and it's not that I don't want to get him something special, it's just that I find it really hard to shop right now.  I look at things that Dave and I looked at buying 'one day' for our home and things that could have made our home more homely.  Then I think about the fact that I don't have a home when I go back to Australia and that I don't even know what will fit, what I need, what I will want so I can't really buy anything anyway.  Besides, if I've only got 2 suitcases to live out of for the next 3 months, I have to be economical in what I do purchase especially after Monday when all my stuff gets shipped away.

I booked my tickets for leaving the States last night and I guess now it is starting to become 'final' as my time here slips by so quickly.  Saying 'goodbye' to people who are a part of my life is NOT easy.  Even tonight, when Alan, Tina and Nick were here, I was holding on to my horse Dee and Dave's horse, Stormy and just patting them, rubbing my face against their neck, 'kissing' Dee, talking to them, asking Stormy if she misses Dave, too.  I enjoyed playing with them but another one of those 'wish Dave was here' type thoughts. 

There is so much to think about and so much to do in the next few weeks and I wonder if I will remember what needs to be done.  Paperwork, knowing what to pack to ship over, what to keep out to pack in my suitcase. Tomorrow I will have to go through my closets, pack stuff into the armoire, dresser and night table.  I will have to make sure that I put my car on Craig's List to sell and hopefully it will sell very soon.  I think about all the Aussie words and expressions I'm going to have to revert back to using and I'll be able to stop pronouncing my 'r's and talk more Aussie again.  One thing I am looking forward to is roast lamb dinners, dim sims, sausage rolls and pasties at Connells and walking along the beach.  

So anyway, I was listening to the song I think reflects Dave and his life so well which is called, "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I listened and sung through most of the song when it was playing in my car and those words at the end spoke to my heart again.  

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise