My Birthday Was Yesterday

It’s the day after my birthday/farewell party.  Mixed emotions.Lots of sadness and tears.

I woke up early in the morning and headed to town to have my hair cut, coloured and curled.  Raven did a great job as usual and I went to Lon and Maurine’s where my party was to be held.  I was early which I was glad about.

I have many special friends who turned up to wish me a happy birthday and who also came to say “Farewell”.  When they didn’t cry, it was a lot easier to maintain my composure but tears weren’t far from the surface.  I kept trying not to cry by distracting myself with other mundane thoughts but Dave is never far from my mind and my heart.  I would think about how I loved to be held by him, how I loved the strength of his hands, how I loved to kiss him! I would remember that he will never again walk by my side. 

Some of the friends who came yesterday had been Dave’s friends for years, some of them had not been close but had known him for years and as I looked around the room, I realised that he had missed out on knowing the richness of the friendship that I had because of him.  Some of the friends there yesterday, I was only starting to get to know but no matter who it was, there was love.  I knew that if it weren’t for Dave, I wouldn’t even know these people who I had also given my heart to.

This morning, my no-son Son Nick, came around to do some shooting with me.  I didn’t want to leave the States without having shot a gun so he brought a 22 rifle, a shot gun and his 7 year old son who also had a 22 rifle.  They came at 7:30am and it was a lot of fun.  I’m so glad Nick took time out to come shoot with me.  Another memory.  As I hugged him goodbye (for the 4^th time) I said to him it gets easier and he asked, “Really?” and I laughed and said “No.”

The neighbours came and said goodbye to me this morning as they drove off to church and I finished loading up the car and got into the driver’s seat.  I sat and looked around and the tears came.  For the next few hours as I drove away from our home, it felt like a deluge of tears.  Songs came on the radio, thoughts, memories, more thoughts, lots of tears.  It felt like my heart was breaking, my insides were wrenching inside of me and I wondered if I would ever stop crying.

AS I drove away from the home I had shared with Dave, I thought that it would have been better for God to have taken me rather than Dave.  Dave had his life here, his family, a job, his home and he had something to look forward to.  I had that all with him but now that I’m leaving, I feel like I am leaving the life he had in store for him and the life we were going to have together.  I passed the place where we first kissed (MmmMmm), places we had visited together, and signs that pointed to places we wanted to visit together.  It seems so unfair that I have to start all over again, without him.

I stopped at Safeway in Leavenworth to get a sandwich.  Leavenworth was a place Dave and I would stop at on our way to his parents’ place and we’d walk around the stores, talking, planning, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  Because of the state I was in, I decided not to torture myself by doing that and stopped at Safeway instead.  The ‘silly’ young man making my sandwich decided to try and draw me into conversation and although I kept deflecting his enquiries by putting them back on him, he finally asked “So what brings you here? Vacation?Business??”  I told him that my husband had passed away 2 months ago and I was on my way back to Australia.  He expressed his condolences and told me that it looked like I was coping well.

I got to Mom and Dad Flowers home and the first thing Mom said when I walked in the door was, “I want you to stay here. Don’t go back to Australia” and I replied, “If only I could” and then I went outside to get my suitcase and try again to stop more tears.  I didn’t realise the tears’ well was so deep and full to overflowing over the brim of it.  So here I am, spending a few days with Mom and Dad, sharing with them and showing them the cards and gifts friends gave me.  Mom remarked, “Your friends have certainly expressed love for you!”  And it is true.  I have wonderful friends who love me very much and who believe in me.  They are expecting God to do great things in my life and I know He will, I just wish it could have been with Dave by my side!!!

If the weather is good tomorrow morning, I am thinking about going on a hike through the woods that Dave and I did almost 2 years ago to this date, where I followed behind him along the track and knew that I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  I don’t know if I will do it but there’s a part of me that really does want to do that walk again.  I know it would be tearful but I’d also use that time to help in the grieving process and also to have a talk with God about this ‘mess’ I am in. 

There’s a song on the radio by Matthew West called "Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

.......

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Good Grief

I was thinking today that 'grief' isn't bad.  It is a natural process of dealing with loss.  If we didn't grieve, then we haven't lost anything to grieve about.  But the thing about grief is that it's so entwined with our emotions, with reality and with our memories, that it becomes unpredictable... which is why we are counselled not to make any major decisions in the first year of our grief. ☺ The problem with that counsel is that life goes on and we must go on too.

Since Dave passed away, (55 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes ago) my grief has led me in different directions, twisting and pulling at my heart, making me worry about one thing, causing me to misunderstand good intentions, jumbling up words when I speak, feeling happy, sad, hurt, lost, empty, hopeful.......and there are even times I feel like I am coping well.  Coping well gives a false sense of security because then I think I've got it all under control and I'm 'good to go'.  While I'm coping well, I have a hint of guilt because I wonder if that means I've moved on since Dave has gone and didn't love him as deeply as I thought.  

On the weekend, I was working on the clothes in the closet, both Dave's and mine, trying to figure out what I should keep, pack and what I should throw away.  I was sitting on the floor folding clothes and feeling like I was coping well despite the circumstances.  Dan (Dave's brother) had found my Keith Urban CD tucked away in the office so was playing it to see if it still worked.  I was enjoying the music and then the song that Dave and I used to walk on our wedding day, came on, "Only You Can Love Me This Way".

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Well, so much for coping well.  Even now when I read those words again, tears start rolling down my cheeks. 

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way

The problem is, when it all becomes too much, he isn't here.  I cried.  I walked down to the pasture to nuzzle with the horses but I walked slowly and the tears blurred my vision so instead I sat on a rock and cried some more.  On my way back to the house, I saw that the horses had gone into the corral, so I took Dave's horse Stormy and groomed her, combed her mane and her tail and when I was done, went back inside the house and sorted out some more of the closet.

The house is so empty now and the weather has turned cold with grey skies.  It rained during the night.  Time is slipping by and it will be too soon before I leave my home here and return to Australia.  I still haven't sold my car which must be done before I leave, I still don't have a job which means I can't find my own home to live in until I do and there are still more goodbyes to said.  Needless to say, I feel a little anxious about the future and feel a bit emotionally vulnerable.   But, I know that God does understand all, does love me 'extravagantly' and He does know what I need. 

I went and checked emails this morning and smiled when I read this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 And then there was a quote from Sir Winston Churchill: When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. In my grief, I understand that I do have to place today and my future into God's hands.  It's OK to cry, to be in pain, to feel like my heart is breaking, to wonder what normal is anymore and to wonder what is going to happen.  It's OK to grieve but I need to remember that God loves me far more deeply than I can imagine and that I am valuable to Him.  He is right here with me, carrying me, holding me, giving me all that I need and for all of that, I am so very thankful! Hey look!  The sun is trying to peep through the grey clouds.