I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life. I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach. The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water. The view is always the same and yet it's not. A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.
I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,
"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".
I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that. She is so creative and artistic. I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.
Write your troubles in the sand.
Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain. Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering. I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight. I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not. She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life. As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life. I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives. It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.
Write your blessings in stone
I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given. I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support. I hope I tell them enough. Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too. We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life. When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.
So I'll say it again: Thank you for being a blessing in my life. Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me. You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.
The greatest of all these things is love.
I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!
And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!
What a special day I had today! Every day, no matter how hard it's been, before I close my eyes at night I can always find something to give thanks about. No matter how many tears I have cried and no matter how hurt I am feeling, even with things so unsettled,and while dealing with grief, there is always something to remind me of God's amazing love and goodness. Even right now as I type these words, I hear kookaburras laughing. Kookaburras are my favourite bird for a reason that goes back many years ago which I won't go into right now. Suffice to say, when I hear a kookaburra laugh, I am reminded that God loves me so much and cares about me, to even the smallest things of my life.
Today was a lovely day with warm weather, blue skies and sunshine. My friend Carolyn, with whom I've been friends since we were about 5 or 6 years old, took me to a train carriage cafe that was set out in the bush with gum trees surrounding it and magpies that would swoop to the ground, then fly into the trees and sing their pretty song. As we sat there talking, riders on their horses would go past and I'd be reminded of my horses and the fun it was to ride them. Being so close to my brother's home, we drove there to catch up with him. Carolyn had never been to the campsite before.
While they chatted over a cuppa, I decided to go visit the horse in the paddock who was once known as "Mad Max" but then they renamed him to Max. Max is about 26 years old and doesn't have as much energy has he once did. It was good to run my hands down his neck, have his nose nuzzle into me and even had his tongue lick my arm. It was good to feel his mane and to smell the distinctive smell that horses have.
Warren took us over to the large paddock where the sheep, lambs and ram were grazing. The dog tried to get up close but generally, the ewes were protective of their newborn. We got up close to the ram and were able to pat it while my brother took a photo of us doing that.
There was a lamb that was only one day old and another ewe had twins that were almost a week old but were still smaller than the day old lamb. When I tried to get up close to take a photo, the mother ewe would get up to go with her lambs following her but when my brother got close, she even laid down in the long, green grass and kept her lambs close to her.
Warren explained that if foxes got in, the ewes wouldn't necessarily fight back unless they were cornered. He was hoping the lambs would get to be a few days older when they would have more strength and be too big for foxes to eat before a fox ventured in to their paddock. Sometimes the mother ewe would leave her lambs unprotected so they had to learn to fend for themselves, quickly.
When Carolyn and I got back home, we went inside and I began uploading photos. Her son and husband came in and then the kookaburras came to sit on the porch railings outside.
The kookaburras let us get up close to them and I even got to pat one! We didn't have any meat so we tried feeding them very tiny portions of a cracker. They would take it in their mouth and then spit it out again because it wasn't their kind of food.
A little later I sat there looking back over the day, thinking how blessed I was: Getting to pat and play with a horse, getting to pat a ram and watching sheep and lambs skip over the paddock and then, to top it off, getting to pat a kookaburra and have it take 'food' from me! Then there were the relationships that I had enjoyed that day: I got to Skype with Mom and Dad Flowers, got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn, got to chat with my son Nathan, visit my brother Warren and got in contact with my friend Karen. Wow! How blessed I am!
To top it all off, tonight there was a most beautiful sunset! I said to John, "Wow! Look at that sunset!!!!" and his reply was, "We get them all the time".
What a beautiful day it has been. Thank you, Lord!!!!
Dear Mom,
The sun is shining brightly today and I even took my sweater off. I went for a walk to the shops (stores) and tried to change my name to "Flowers" on legal documentation such as my licence, my medicare card (not the same Medicare organisation as you have in the States) and Centrelink (which is a similar thing to social security). This is a small town so the policeman told me I have to go to the next country town which is 24 miles away to get my licence updated and to get my Medicare changed, I need to drive 62 miles. I don't need to worry about Centrelink until I want to use their services. I will need to buy a car soon.
I lived in this town for more than 10 years and because I worked here and spent time in the local community, I am a familiar face to many people. While I was at the bank, one of my friend's who is a pw walked past and stopped to chat. When I went into the local bakery for a delicious chicken snitzel and salad sandwich, there were 2 ladies there who knew me. They both commented that I looked well and gave me condolences when I told them that Dave had passed away.
I applied for a job at a Christian school today, on the other side of Melbourne. Another one of my friend's who also happens to be a pw spoke to the principal and told her I was an excellent teacher. I wish that I had a job already. I wish I had a car too.
As I was walking along today, thinking about things, I thought about Dave and thought about the life I had with him. It seems so long ago and so far away and on a sunny day like this, it's hard to keep a mournful countenance. I talk about him with my friends and tell them stories that give them a bit of an idea as to what my life was like when I was there. I know that every step I take is a step forward in this life but sometimes I hesitate, wondering if a step forward means a step further away from Dave and my life there. At the same time, he is always going to be a part of my life and who I am today is because of the love and experiences he and I shared together.
I wish that he was with me and yet, at the same time, I know he is enjoying eternal life where there is no sickness, sadness and evil. I am so thankful that God brought us together and I am thankful for all the fun we had together and only wish we could have lots more years learning and growing together.
Anyway, Karen has been giving me lots of home cooked dinners that are delicious! I've also been sleeping well but I still haven't gone for a real ride on my bike yet. Tomorrow, Karen has told me that the washing machine and clotheline are free so I should catch up on my washing. When I took my sweater off today, I noticed that I had some food stains from when I was in the States so I'll have to remember to use pre-stain remover on that TShirt.
I guess as long as I keep moving forward, I'll get through this time and come out the other side, whole. I miss you and all the rest of my family and friends who are in the States. I am so glad that God placed me in your family. You can have no idea how much I love you and I almost 'dread' the coming of Thanksgiving and Christmas, knowing that I won't be there to celebrate it with you all. That hurts!
It hurts being a widow but I know that my dependency is on my Father God who loves me even more than I can imagine. I also know that He wants the very best for me and that He does make all things good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. These are not merely words to say but they are truths to live by.
Stay warm as the weather goes cooler. I think of you often and am praying that God will continue to give you His peace at this time.
Love always,
Carolanne
P.S. Karen loves the Huckleberry tea I bought for her when I was in WA. She said she keeps burping Huckleberry. Her family also like the Aplets and Cotlets I got for them. Dave had encouraged me to buy some for Nathan last year for Christmas but I didn't get to try any until this time. They are good!
