In Time

After such a positive interview, you would think that I was set to wait patiently and expectantly, without anxiety until early next week but no, not me.  The last 24 hours especially have been difficult for me with lots of questions and lots of mixed emotions and not all related to getting a job.  


On the job front, I kept wondering what I would do if I don't get the job.  When I looked at the jobs list, there were no Christian schools advertising for a teacher, in Victoria.  As I said to a friend recently, who suggested I look elsewhere, it's not even about getting a job per se.  It goes deeper than that.  If the circumstances were different, then I could look further afield but right now, I need to be in a place where I can heal, grow and establish myself again.  Sadly, establish myself as Mrs Flowers, without the Mr being alongside me.  That breaks my heart.


I know that God answers prayer but along with that, I know that He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want Him to, the way we ask Him to and in the time that we expect Him to.  I have seen close friends of mine, and family too, struggle with the discouragement that comes from unemployment, or from an illness that leads to death.  I know that He provides all that we need and that His timing is perfect.  He sees the end result (or as in the case of my last post, the horse trailer) and I only see a little bit of what I want, what I think is the 'perfect' goal and in actual fact, I can only see this moment and live this day.  I know the Bible verse, "Do not be anxious for anything" and "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own" but knowing and believing comes down to the seemingly often intangible, "Faith and Trust".  


Yet, as I said, for the last 24 hours, I have struggled with "What if God doesn't answer my prayers, then what am I going to do?"  It hurts.  It hurts sometimes more than I can express to be in this situation without Dave.  The main thing is not even being unemployed, or not having my own home, the real painful thing is, I don't have Dave.  There is no Dave at the end of the tunnel once I am healed.  Dave is not going to come and join me when I have a job, when I have my own place and when I start getting on with my life.  As I look ahead, moving forward because I have no alternative, as I try to dream and think about what I want, I keep coming back to the knowledge, that it is all without Dave.


To add to my heartbreak, I keep unearthing more things about Dave and about how hurt he was when he was living without me, or rather, existing.  I wish he was here so I could ask him "Why?"  Why did you do that? or What does this mean?  And I also wish I could have my time over again with him, love him that little bit more, hold him a little bit tighter and help him understand just how valuable and loved he is.  I wish we could do the things that he started wanting to do and I wish that he was with me now.  


I hope that as you read this post, you realise just how important it is to make the most of the time you have now and really love the ones you have been given to love.  Don't wait for  a 'better'  time, do it now.  Before we were married, Dave used to worry about the fact that he was somewhat older than me.  I used to reassure him that whatever time we had together was going to be as good as we made it, that we have no idea how much time we did have, so we needed to make the most of it.  For all we knew, I could have died first.  There are no guarantees in this life, only that we all will pass away sometime.


Now, on the up side of all that I started this post with, I did get a call from the Principal and I've been invited for a  2nd interview next Monday.  He explained also that the job is only for a year and asked me how I felt about it, at the same time reassuring me that it's highly possible, another teaching position will arise so that I could stay on.  For me, that is perfect because I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, or even what I want to be doing.  I need 12 months to re-establish myself and this seems like the perfect place for me.  Oh, I guess it must be perfect, if God is providing it for me.


Just in time, I am provided a job when I need it most which means I can also go and find a home, just in time, before my things from the States arrive.  Of course, it's all 'in time' - God's time.  Who woulda thunk it?


While I am excited about being able to settle down and move forward, there is another strong part of me that is also sad because Dave is not here to share it with me.  I miss him so much and moving forward, as I have said many times before, is like moving further away from my life with him.  That hurts, too.


I am thankful that God provides my every need.  I had an email from Mom Flowers and she said, "We love you so much and want the best for you as you adjust.  It is so beautiful to hear where your faith and trust is - In God alone."
The thing is if I didn't trust God at this time, I would have nothing at all to live for.  She told me to never give up.  Believe me, sometimes I think if I could, I would but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God does have a purpose for me to be alive.  He does have a plan for me and in the end, His ways are higher than mine.


As Job replied to the Lord, 
 “I know that you can do all things; 
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 
 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ 
   Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, 
   things too wonderful for me to know.


Amen and me, too! Me, too Lord.

The Great Ocean Road

I'm sitting in a motel room, listening to the ocean waves crashing outside.   The sun was setting, as I sat in my car eating fish, scallops, a pineapple fritter, and watching the waves flirt with the sand.  It was a little cool when I got out of the car to take photos.  I was standing in the car park with the wind blowing on my face and in my hair and when I could resist no longer, I ran down to the sand and almost to the water's edge.  Tomorrow I have plans to spend a good amount of time at the beach.  When I got back in the car, I noticed that there was sand on the driver's side floor.  I was delighted to find the sand in my otherwise clean car!

I love the beach.  Not necessarily to swim in, but just to be there.  I love the sound of the powerful waves crashing, I love the smell of the salty, fresh air and I love how the ocean just keeps on going, without end.  It all reminds me of the total power and awesomeness of God.  Despite how big and powerful the ocean is, how full of animals and life, despite the many grains of sand, the rockpools and bushes alongside the shore, our Creator God loves us and considers us valuable.

My friend Donna told me about a Christian school that needed a teacher and I went for an interview today.  She asked me how I felt about it and I had to be honest:

"I like the school.  I guess, to be honest, I find it hard to be 'confident' or look forward to anything these days because of what's happened to me over the last few months.  I want it to be good but my plans haven't turned out how I have wanted in a long time."

Like Dave used to say. "All plans are subject to change." and boy, haven't I learnt that over the last few months?!

She encouraged me to read Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that His plans are best and good for me.  In a sense, I guess the thing is that even though I am not full of hope about my plans or even this job, I put it in His hands because He has plans to proper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.  The area the school is in has the beach nearby, farms, city and country life.  It  would be a perfect place for me to start all over again...

At the interview, they asked me, "What makes you get up every morning?" and I replied, "The knowledge that I have to.  I know that God has a purpose for my life, has given me gifts, talents and interests and that I need to honour Him with my life".  I believe that.  The thing is, it is tempting to stay in bed, to hide away from everyone and everything but I know that's not reality and I know that isn't a healthy choice.

While I drove along the Great Ocean Road this evening, I thought about how wonderful it would be to have Dave alongside me, sharing with him the beautiful views, sharing with him my 'new' life.  Sometimes it seems that every step forward is a step further away from him... and that I don't like!!! But it is what it is and the 2nd part of John 10:10 says, "I have come that they might have life and have it to the full."

I am so thankful that God has put many amazing, special people in my life and that He has opened my eyes to the beauty that was created and formed by Him just saying the word. It is very good!

My Place In This World

I was hanging the washing out on the line, the sun shining and although it's still a little cool, there's a breeze so the clothes should dry fairly quickly.  As I hung them out, I thought about how 18 or so months ago, I had had my photo taken of me hanging out the clothes because I thought that would be the last time I'd ever have to do that chore.  Dave had told me many times that there's no point in having a clothesline at our home because it's too dusty and it takes up unnecessary time. 

Sometimes life just seems so unfair!!!  Here I am in Australia, without Dave.  Right now I really need to talk to him, to get his perspective on things, to find out what he would be doing/saying and yet, he's not here and I have to make decisions without his input.  I don't want to come across as 'whiney' but the fact is, it's hard to convey not only how much it hurts but how it impacts on me, my life, my emotions and my choices.  I know who Dave is and I know what he would say and even do but he's not here.

Yesterday I heard Michael W Smith singing the song, "My Place In This World":

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world

My place in this world

That song expresses it so accurately for me.  I'm trying to find a place where I belong, a place where I can start afresh without Dave, moving on, looking for a reason to even want to belong somewhere.  At times I am hopeful but then I remember the hope Dave and I shared to continue our life together for more years to come.  Looking for a reason.... 

On the other hand, there are some positive steps forward. 

I picked up my 'new' car yesterday.  It's a 2002 Toyota Rav 4 Edge with low kms, AWD and plenty of space to throw in my bike and a backpack and head for the beach, the hills, or wherever I want to go.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for teaching at a Christian school.  (Wednesday, 5:15pm for Aussies and Tues. 11:15pm PST in the USA)  I would really like this job and think I am a good 'fit' for it so please feel free to pray for me and pray that whatever happens I will remember that God does have a purpose and plan for my life.  Today I'm going to prepare a 'portfolio' of my teaching experience and initiatives, with photos, so that I'll be able to hand them something visual and concrete.  I know that when I do have a job, even though I wouldn't be starting until 2012, I would be able to feel a lot more settled here and at least have a direction in which to move forward.

Since there are so many things I don't have control over, that do affect my life, I'll just have to keep trusting God and leaning on Him to get me through this time.

I'm Broken But Help Me Walk by Faith, Lord.

Last night I sat and talked with Dad Flowers about Heaven and about Dave being there.  What is Heaven like?  Heaven is a place of perfection, of no tears, pain, or regrets.  We'll have new bodies and not these frail, weak, sick bodies that we've learned to live with.  We'll be in the presence of the living God and I'm sure the things of 'earth will go strangely dim' compared to the world we live in on earth where there is so much pain, sickness and evil.  I talked to a friend, Geoff, the other day and he told me that when he gets to Heaven, he's got a few questions he's going to ask God.  When his wife died of cancer about 4 years ago, he was left to bring up 2 young daughters, he lost a large sum of money, his business changed and he even lost his ministry. In response, he got angry at God and wondered what he had done to anger God so much.  Personally, I think that when we get to Heaven, all of the questions we have, will be gone as soon as we see Him face to face.  The things we hold so dearly here, will not matter at all.  Geoff said that it's like Job.  He'd been questioning God through all his trials but when God spoke to him, Job was speechless. (Job 37 & 38)

I went out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday, my father-in-law's birthday and my sister-in-law's birthday and as I sat next to Rhonda, I again said that when I think of all I have lost over the last 18 months, I still feel that it would have been better for God to have taken me instead of Dave.  I don't want to start all over again.  I don't want to deal with the crap that I'm dealing with and I don't like the pain and heartbreak I'm experiencing right now.  I miss Dave so much.  Being here with his parents is wonderful, but in a couple of days, I'll have to say goodbye to them too.  I still want to have the life that Dave and I were going to have but I want it with him.  It's hard to convey just how much this hurts and I don't want to come across as whinging and full of self-pity.  It's all just part of grief.

Rhonda said to me, what I've heard from other people who love me and believe in me also say, that God didn't take me home yet because I'm still here for a purpose.  Who knows what God is going to do in my life?  Who knows what 'great things' He has in store for me?  While I try to believe that, and in my heart I do know that, it doesn't really stop the tears but yes, it is comforting to know that in the midst of all this hurt, He is walking beside me, constantly loving me and He will make it all good.

You've probably realised that songs are playing an important part in my healing as they remind me of the truths I need to hear.  Another song that played constantly yesterday, then played on the radio tonight, is by Jeremy Camp called, "Walk by Faith".  I do want to walk by faith and trust God even though it all seems so dark and uncertain right now.   These are the words:

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith