Random Thoughts Of A Grieving Widow

These thoughts are random and possibly irrelevant but it's all that I can blog about right now.

It's Christmas time so the parking at shopping centres is ridiculous, unless you're prepared to walk miles, which I am, because I have nothing better to do with my time, anyway.  I'm not in a hurry and mostly have no real purpose so I walk slowly or quickly depending on my mood.  My attention span in all things, is much less than it used to be before Dave passed away, so I don't really bother looking at the stores, especially if I don't have a specific purpose for being there.  I will wander aimlessly up and down aisles, or walk past shops without doing much more than giving them a cursory glance.  I brush away any thoughts of "That would be nice to buy..." and walk back to my car to go home.

At shopping centres, even though they have stores lining every square footage, there are now 'stalls' of extra shopping opportunities.  Make up, fitness, charities, airbrushing and other assorted salespeople wait and as you pass by they jump out in front of you, shove a card at you, catch your eye and try to sell their product.  When a lady tried to sell me make up, I pointed out that I don't wear much make up but she still wanted me to stop and spend some time with her.  I had no desire to and finally after walking alongside me trying to engage me in further conversation, she gave up.  On my way back, her partner tried to accost me and rudely interrupted my attempt to ignore her until the other lady told her that she'd already "tried" to sell their product to me.

Sometimes I feel like the main character in "Ground Hog Day".  He wakes up every day and it's the same day.  At first, he responds by trying to do outrageous stunts and does things like driving off the side of a cliff but no matter how bad the day, he still wakes up the next morning.  Time passes and the novelty wears off and he pursues more virtuous activities and grows through the experience until he learns the value of love and sacrifice.   

     Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I want/ask God to take me to Heaven so I can be with Dave, because I don't want to live without Dave alongside me, God has plans for me to stay alive.  So, like Phil, I wonder if maybe I am invincible, that whatever I do, I will still wake up the next morning and have to go through the day again.  I know that eventually I will start enjoying life again and there are moments when I do, but so much these days, I just feel like the writer in Eccl. 1:14

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 

There are no mirrors in this house which is really unusual and I didn't even notice until after I had moved in and went to comb my hair.  I bought a small mirror and set it on the wardrobe door handles as I can't find a place to put it in the bathroom yet, and I'm still waiting for permission to hang pictures and things up, from the landlord.  Every time I look in the mirror, I cut off another stray bit of my fringe, which must have been hiding messily away when Karen cut it last week.  I also notice that my hair is turning grey and I'm tempted just to let it go and not colour it as I usually do, since I don't have to look 'young/er' for Dave anymore.  I also need to get it permed again as it's dead straight with no style.  Dave preferred me with curly hair, although he didn't really mind either way.  He figured it was cheaper for me to get it permed than for me to go to the hair stylist and have it curled.  Once I told Dave that I got my hair done to impress him so now that he's gone, I don't seem to have the same motivation to get it done. 

There are two main songs that keep going around in my head and are played frequently on the radio.  The first one says,

I only miss you when I'm breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I'm bleeding
I only miss you when I'm breathing

Without your love, don't know how I survive
Last Saturday I was having a bad day.  I woke up missing Dave, my heart ached, my stomach was all in knots and I couldn't stop crying for very long.  A friend called me and asked me if I felt I was depressed but I believe that this is all part of the grieving process.  I am going to have days when I hurt badly, when I cry for Dave and as Christmas approaches, those feelings are going to be strong because there's so much emphasis on spending Christmas with loved ones and even Christmas songs are 'romantic'.

The other song that is played often is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger!"  So, in all this, I am getting stronger, stronger! How nice.

Having read all of the above, you might think I'm melancholy and/or bitter but I'm not.  I still have good moments and I do have a certain hope that I will get through this and be stronger and as I type that, I even managed a little smile.  I have new friends at the school I'll be teaching at and one called late tonight to ask me if he can drop off a small washing machine tomorrow afternoon, for free.  Today, I went and visited with my friend Fiona and was able to help her out a little as her car was being repaired.  I enjoy her company.

Sometimes I feel bad for the company I keep because I don't have the same zest and enthusiasm that I once did and yet, I do want to be a blessing to others.  A friend said to me the other day that I am a blessing to many and the thing is, I do want to encourage people in their journey while I walk this Garden Trail but I don't have the strength to give as much as I once did and sometimes I just want to receive.  I know things will get better and I know that 'This too shall pass' as Mark Lowry says.  This is my journey and everyone has been so supportive and encouraging towards me, yet it is still my journey which I have to walk through by myself.  Keeping in mind that the Lord walks beside me and that He also provides others to walk with me at different moments.  I know all this and I am thankful for those 'others': for my son, for his girlfriend, for my family (all over the world) and for my friends.. also all over the world.  I am blessed to be loved by many and I am grateful.

But as I drove home tonight, I thought that the one person I really want to be held by and be comforted by, the one person who I want to cuddle with and share with, is the one person who, by his passing from this life, is the reason for my grief!

My Place In This World

I was hanging the washing out on the line, the sun shining and although it's still a little cool, there's a breeze so the clothes should dry fairly quickly.  As I hung them out, I thought about how 18 or so months ago, I had had my photo taken of me hanging out the clothes because I thought that would be the last time I'd ever have to do that chore.  Dave had told me many times that there's no point in having a clothesline at our home because it's too dusty and it takes up unnecessary time. 

Sometimes life just seems so unfair!!!  Here I am in Australia, without Dave.  Right now I really need to talk to him, to get his perspective on things, to find out what he would be doing/saying and yet, he's not here and I have to make decisions without his input.  I don't want to come across as 'whiney' but the fact is, it's hard to convey not only how much it hurts but how it impacts on me, my life, my emotions and my choices.  I know who Dave is and I know what he would say and even do but he's not here.

Yesterday I heard Michael W Smith singing the song, "My Place In This World":

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world

My place in this world

That song expresses it so accurately for me.  I'm trying to find a place where I belong, a place where I can start afresh without Dave, moving on, looking for a reason to even want to belong somewhere.  At times I am hopeful but then I remember the hope Dave and I shared to continue our life together for more years to come.  Looking for a reason.... 

On the other hand, there are some positive steps forward. 

I picked up my 'new' car yesterday.  It's a 2002 Toyota Rav 4 Edge with low kms, AWD and plenty of space to throw in my bike and a backpack and head for the beach, the hills, or wherever I want to go.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for teaching at a Christian school.  (Wednesday, 5:15pm for Aussies and Tues. 11:15pm PST in the USA)  I would really like this job and think I am a good 'fit' for it so please feel free to pray for me and pray that whatever happens I will remember that God does have a purpose and plan for my life.  Today I'm going to prepare a 'portfolio' of my teaching experience and initiatives, with photos, so that I'll be able to hand them something visual and concrete.  I know that when I do have a job, even though I wouldn't be starting until 2012, I would be able to feel a lot more settled here and at least have a direction in which to move forward.

Since there are so many things I don't have control over, that do affect my life, I'll just have to keep trusting God and leaning on Him to get me through this time.

Stronger? Why??

Isaiah 46:3-4
“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
all the remnant of the people of Israel,
... you whom I have upheld since your birth,
and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

The Estate Sale went well and we sold a lot of things and made some money with it, which is good but man(!) I am so, so tired of the hurting, the problems, the misunderstandings, the stuff that really wears a person down.  I miss Dave so much and wish he was here.  When I get frustrated and overwhelmed, Dave was able to be a calming influence on me and help me see what I was overreacting to and when I needed to make decisions, he was able to point me in the right direction.  He gave me perspective and now that I am on my own, it's so hard not to balk at the little things, not to get flustered when something goes missing or goes wrong.

Job 6:1  "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas --"

v11 "What strength do I have, that I should still hope?  What prospects, that I should be patient?"

 Today, on my way home from Spokane, I had a flat tire. (tyre)  We aren't in emergency road service because Dave said that was for rich people and besides which he always had the resources to deal with car problems.  He isn't here anymore to help me with things like that.  Fortunately for me, Nick (my no-son 'son') helped me out and unfortunately, I had to buy 4 new tires as the other tire couldn't be fixed and being an AWD, all have to be changed at the same time.  On  the other hand, the guy at Les Schwab found 4 very good used tires which means it was much cheaper than it could have been.  Nick and his wife Jennifer and their 2 sons are such a treasure and have helped and supported me so much since my time with Dave.
 

I ate lunch today with my friend Sonya. (Before the flat tire incident)  As I whined all my woes to her, I said that I don't think I can take anymore.. I don't want to take anything more.  I just want something to go right in my life and want things to start sorting themselves out.  After the flat tire I was driving home and heard the song that Mandisa sings about being stronger... 

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better

I keep wondering, "What do I need to be 'stronger' for?  Is there going to be even more that I'm going to have to take and what is the end result of all this being stronger?"  I know this pain isn't going to last forever.  I keep thinking that things will get better but it seems like they don't.  On the other hand, I do know without a doubt, that God does care for me and He is going to get me through all this.

I take one step at a time, one moment at a time but find myself trying to look ahead, worrying about what 'might' happen and dreaming up problems that aren't there.  I have things to worry about: I still haven't sold my car, the house still hasn't been sold, I still don't have a job when I get back to Australia, I am obviously still grieving the loss of my husband but on the other hand, there are some little blessings that God brings into my life that I need to thank him for:

Cute things like, spending time with Robert and Wyatt.  Robert (age 7) asked his mother if he could give me some of his change from his birthday money and he handed me a dime.  That was so sweet.  I put it in a plastic bag and had him write his name on it.  When they were around yesterday, I took photos of them and with them, on the trampoline, in the hay barn and with the horses.

For friends and family who are so unbelivably amazing/ awesome at this time.  I have friends (and family) who would drop anything for me in order to help me, who spend hours and hours helping me with things that doesn't have 'anything in it for them' and yet they do it simply because they love me.  They give me hugs, words of encouragement, meals, time, they are there for me without expecting anything in return.  They are there loving me and when I cry, get upset and/or hurt, they just keep on loving me.  Mom Flowers said to me tonight that she doesn't know how to express how much she and Dad Flowers love me and how much they depend on me and pray for me.  I am so loved and so thankful for the family and friends God brought into my life, through my marriage to Dave.

“I, David, take you Carolanne, to be my wife, to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.”


I wish that death hadn't parted us so soon.  Sometimes it seems easy to forget though, that although we were only married 14 months, we were a part of each other's lives for years before that and yet, because of those years, that also established a lot of who we were together.  I don't know.  I just miss him so much!!!  I feel like I need him although I know that God gives us all we need and since Dave is not here, my dependency needs to be on Him.

I am thankful for the life I shared with Dave.  I am thankful for the home I had with him here and that I was able to experience so much in the short time we were married and the time before we were married.  As I go through my final days here in the States, I keep trying to remember all the differences between Australia and the US and realise there's going to be a lot of adjustments to make because of those differences... Like driving on the other side of the road, the different spelling of some words, the different words for some things, the different cooking styles, lifestyles.

Job. 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?"  Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

Jer. 29:11, 12  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

Jer. 33: 3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.