Christmas Day 2011

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We're never far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face.
I'll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking with the King.


The above is the last part of a poem a friend posted on Facebook called, "I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year".

I know the feeling of being happy and yet sad, feeling loved by people here on this earth, yet missing Dave who is not here with me.  I feel like a part of me is missing, is aching for him but yet I keep trying to enjoy this Christmas as I spend it with my son Nathan and through technology, be with other loved ones.  I'm trying to convey to you, what it really feels like to do Christmas without Dave.  I smile but behind the smile is my thoughts of Dave.  I put on Christmas carols and as long as I keep talking with Nathan, as long as I don't stop and have time to think about Dave not being here, I am fine.  However, two minutes alone with my thoughts and I have to fight to hold back the tears.

Last Christmas, I gave Dave a remote controlled helicopter and he loved it!  The hat on Dianne's cowboy trinket got broken off and the helicopter itself crashed a couple of times but then he repaired it.  It wasn't supposed to be used in extreme temperatures and being below 50 degrees, and having snow, is 'extreme' according to the instructions.  We took it to Mom and Dad Flowers' home for New Years and he flew it there, too. 

So this Christmas is not the one I thought I would be having a few short months ago. There is a hole inside me that all the tinsel in the world, all the Christmas lights and presents can not fill.  I am thankful that Nathan spent time with me and that we had fun together.  Even though I don't have all his Christmas gifts yet, I gave him stuff that he finds useful and fun.  We even played a game of Krazy Bee Rummy and it was nice being able to cook him up delicious, Christmas food and to celebrate Christmas with him!

Well I guess I got through Christmas without eating too much plum pudding or chocolate ripple cake and without being a blubbering mess.  I am so thankful for those family and friends who made an extra special effort to be sensitive and loving with their words and actions on this Christmas day.  I  am thankful to those of you who expressed your love, knowing that this is not the Christmas I planned or wanted - You might have text messaged me, chatted to me on Skype or Facebook, sent me an email or a comment on Facebook.  Whatever way you used to encourage me, it was greatly appreciated.  Thank you.  I wish my Christmas could have been different but it was a good Christmas despite that.

I hope that you were able to have a Christmas filled with joy and wonder! 

Random Thoughts Of A Grieving Widow

These thoughts are random and possibly irrelevant but it's all that I can blog about right now.

It's Christmas time so the parking at shopping centres is ridiculous, unless you're prepared to walk miles, which I am, because I have nothing better to do with my time, anyway.  I'm not in a hurry and mostly have no real purpose so I walk slowly or quickly depending on my mood.  My attention span in all things, is much less than it used to be before Dave passed away, so I don't really bother looking at the stores, especially if I don't have a specific purpose for being there.  I will wander aimlessly up and down aisles, or walk past shops without doing much more than giving them a cursory glance.  I brush away any thoughts of "That would be nice to buy..." and walk back to my car to go home.

At shopping centres, even though they have stores lining every square footage, there are now 'stalls' of extra shopping opportunities.  Make up, fitness, charities, airbrushing and other assorted salespeople wait and as you pass by they jump out in front of you, shove a card at you, catch your eye and try to sell their product.  When a lady tried to sell me make up, I pointed out that I don't wear much make up but she still wanted me to stop and spend some time with her.  I had no desire to and finally after walking alongside me trying to engage me in further conversation, she gave up.  On my way back, her partner tried to accost me and rudely interrupted my attempt to ignore her until the other lady told her that she'd already "tried" to sell their product to me.

Sometimes I feel like the main character in "Ground Hog Day".  He wakes up every day and it's the same day.  At first, he responds by trying to do outrageous stunts and does things like driving off the side of a cliff but no matter how bad the day, he still wakes up the next morning.  Time passes and the novelty wears off and he pursues more virtuous activities and grows through the experience until he learns the value of love and sacrifice.   

     Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I want/ask God to take me to Heaven so I can be with Dave, because I don't want to live without Dave alongside me, God has plans for me to stay alive.  So, like Phil, I wonder if maybe I am invincible, that whatever I do, I will still wake up the next morning and have to go through the day again.  I know that eventually I will start enjoying life again and there are moments when I do, but so much these days, I just feel like the writer in Eccl. 1:14

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 

There are no mirrors in this house which is really unusual and I didn't even notice until after I had moved in and went to comb my hair.  I bought a small mirror and set it on the wardrobe door handles as I can't find a place to put it in the bathroom yet, and I'm still waiting for permission to hang pictures and things up, from the landlord.  Every time I look in the mirror, I cut off another stray bit of my fringe, which must have been hiding messily away when Karen cut it last week.  I also notice that my hair is turning grey and I'm tempted just to let it go and not colour it as I usually do, since I don't have to look 'young/er' for Dave anymore.  I also need to get it permed again as it's dead straight with no style.  Dave preferred me with curly hair, although he didn't really mind either way.  He figured it was cheaper for me to get it permed than for me to go to the hair stylist and have it curled.  Once I told Dave that I got my hair done to impress him so now that he's gone, I don't seem to have the same motivation to get it done. 

There are two main songs that keep going around in my head and are played frequently on the radio.  The first one says,

I only miss you when I'm breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I'm bleeding
I only miss you when I'm breathing

Without your love, don't know how I survive
Last Saturday I was having a bad day.  I woke up missing Dave, my heart ached, my stomach was all in knots and I couldn't stop crying for very long.  A friend called me and asked me if I felt I was depressed but I believe that this is all part of the grieving process.  I am going to have days when I hurt badly, when I cry for Dave and as Christmas approaches, those feelings are going to be strong because there's so much emphasis on spending Christmas with loved ones and even Christmas songs are 'romantic'.

The other song that is played often is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger!"  So, in all this, I am getting stronger, stronger! How nice.

Having read all of the above, you might think I'm melancholy and/or bitter but I'm not.  I still have good moments and I do have a certain hope that I will get through this and be stronger and as I type that, I even managed a little smile.  I have new friends at the school I'll be teaching at and one called late tonight to ask me if he can drop off a small washing machine tomorrow afternoon, for free.  Today, I went and visited with my friend Fiona and was able to help her out a little as her car was being repaired.  I enjoy her company.

Sometimes I feel bad for the company I keep because I don't have the same zest and enthusiasm that I once did and yet, I do want to be a blessing to others.  A friend said to me the other day that I am a blessing to many and the thing is, I do want to encourage people in their journey while I walk this Garden Trail but I don't have the strength to give as much as I once did and sometimes I just want to receive.  I know things will get better and I know that 'This too shall pass' as Mark Lowry says.  This is my journey and everyone has been so supportive and encouraging towards me, yet it is still my journey which I have to walk through by myself.  Keeping in mind that the Lord walks beside me and that He also provides others to walk with me at different moments.  I know all this and I am thankful for those 'others': for my son, for his girlfriend, for my family (all over the world) and for my friends.. also all over the world.  I am blessed to be loved by many and I am grateful.

But as I drove home tonight, I thought that the one person I really want to be held by and be comforted by, the one person who I want to cuddle with and share with, is the one person who, by his passing from this life, is the reason for my grief!

I Don't Have To Pretend With God

Like a pendulum, I swing back and forth, and like the inner workings of a clock, my emotions go round and round, different wheels turning all at once. The sun shines brightly, the skies are blue and I can feel a skip in my step and then a stray thought wanders and distracts and my heart turns around and another little piece breaks. How nice it would be to....

Actually, to be honest, I don't have much to say. My heart is hurting, Christmas is coming, things are falling into place but I find it hard to be content and stay positive. I don't want to be positive when I am hurting without Dave. I don't want to face Christmas without Dave. I don't want to try and see something to celebrate just because I 'should' and I am angry, at times. Yes, things are falling into place and yes, I have a lot to be thankful and yes, there are people who have it harder than me (except if we aren't supposed to compare, how can they be more worse off than me?).

I am supposed to trust God and rejoice in this situation but I don't want to. And you know what? God can handle it. Even if I don't voice it out loud, God knows what my heart is feeling and He knows what I am thinking. Yes, I can be positive so that those reading my blog posts can see God's hand in my life and feel good in themselves that I am moving on. But as I wrote on Facebook, I don't always want to be brave. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide and do something ridiculously foolish or just ‘lose it’. But people like you love me and are praying for me, so I keep getting up in the morning and keep going.  Even when I really don’t want to!

The fact of the matter is I'm being carried by a loving Heavenly Father who is bigger than my pain, bigger than my discouragement, bigger than my anger and He doesn't try to shush me and say “What will others think?” He doesn’t get offended when I don’t use clichés and the right words.  He just takes me in His arms, loves me and holds me when I hurt.  He lets me beat my fists against His chest and He hears my words of pain and anguish and doesn’t take it personally.  He knows my heart.  He knows me better than I can know myself and He still loves me.  He doesn’t throw meaningless words at me to cover the silence and He understands every emotion I have. 

Every day I wish Dave was alive and every day I wonder why God didn’t let me have more time with him.  I left my country, everything I had here and went to be with Dave on the other side of the world.  I gave him everything, loved him deeply (and still do) and prayed daily for God to help me be a godly wife and a godly woman. I sought to please God and in so doing, also honoured my husband, Dave.  I made friends there and loved Dave’s family as my own, his home was my home, his life was my life and I adjusted, adapted and moved forward with Dave.  But then, God took Dave home and I had to go back to Australia and start over again.

There are many times when I wish that it was me God took home and I even ask God to take me now, too. I would love to be in Heaven and not to have to deal with pain, sorrow, tears and all these changes and new things.  Sometimes I shout out (inwardly so that only God and I hear) that this is TOO hard, this is TOO much!!!  I want it easier and if I have to live, then give me a break and heal this pain already.  Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to move forward and be a blessing to others when I am the one who is hurting?  Why do I have to start all over again in EVERYTHING??!!!  I mean, give me a break here! My husband passes away, I change countries, change homes, new job, new area, new start, make new friends, learn new routines, new challenges.. on and on!!!!!! It’s so not fair! And then there are the people who have words to tell me how I should do it and how it’s good that everything is all working out for me and how it’s good that it’s falling into place.  (And yes, there are also the friends who encourage me, help me, give me a shoulder to cry on and put up with me. Thank you. J )

But it’s not good! Or at least, it doesn’t feel good!  Why didn’t God let it all fall into place with Dave, in our home, in the States where we both belonged together?  Dave said to me on our first anniversary that things can only get better and we were both looking forward to moving forward together, just the two of us.

Sigh.  Take a deep breath.  Thank you Father, for knowing my heart, for understanding my pain, for loving me unconditionally and for not giving up on me.  Thank you for knowing me so well and knowing what I need.  Thank you for holding me at this time.  Thank you that even though I hurt so bad, You don’t get mad because You understand and You love me.  I don’t have to pretend with You.  I don’t have to say the right words to make You feel good.  I can just cry, hurt, and wonder why and You can handle it, and hold me.  Thank You.

But, seriously, (sorta) couldn’t I just ‘lose it’ once when someone comes to me and blabbers insignificant, ridiculous clichés that are nonsensical?  Couldn’t I just tell them what I really think and not have to ‘guard’ my words so that I don’t offend them?  After all, why should it be me who says “Thank you” and tries to be nice when their words are like a knife in my already hurting heart? 

The Long and Winding Road

When driving around here, it's a bit like driving some places in Oregon.  There are rolling green hills, bends, rivers, scenic views, bridges and road works.  As I was driving back to Karen's this afternoon, I thought about how my life seems to be like those roads.  Up, down, around the bend, roadworks (pain and growth), scenic views, (good times) and then there are the muddy parts that aren't so pretty.  At least when I was out driving then, I had a destination.

Tomorrow afternoon is my interview which I am looking forward to because it gives me a destination.  The thing is, that I hate suspense and some things I want settled yesterday.  I want to know where I'll be living next year.  As soon as I know I have the job, I want to go house hunting (to rent) even though I know that for all practical purposes I won't be moving in until mid December and even though I know that my things from the US won't be here until early January, 2012.  I want to join a squash club, or even play netball or go to Zumba at the local fitness centre.  I want to see what kind of a garden I will have because I do want to potter around in my own garden.  I want to unpack and set up home and have friends come and visit me and I want to make new friends in the school and local community that I'll be living in next year.

I start looking forward to living and then a little bit of me feels guilty because I'm still grieving and shouldn't be enjoying myself.  I know that's not true either.  I miss Dave.  Dave had an opinion about everything, even things he didn't know much about but I loved that about him. J I loved that I could go to him and tell him everything and that I would get a response from him.  I loved that he wanted me to talk to him and tell him things and that he was glad that I listened to him and wanted to know his thoughts on issues.  He would tell me about things, knowing that I did care and that he could be totally honest with me.  I could tell him about decisions parents had made, things that kids had done at school, opinions that my friends had and he would tell me what he thought.  He and I agreed about most things although his opinion was somewhat stronger than mine.  He encouraged me to be confident in my opinions.

The last 24 hours I've been floundering wondering what I'm supposed to do with those thoughts that I can no longer share with him.  I've wondered what I'm supposed to do with the memories that I treasured because it was him and me...us.  How am I supposed to deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore?  When it all gets to be too much and especially as Christmas draws near, when I hear Christmas songs that talk about sharing Christmas with their loved one, I fight to hold back the tears.  What are they doing playing "Walking in a Winter wonderland" when it's still over a month to Christmas and "Dreaming of a White Christmas"  which is so irrelevant to Christmas in Australia, anyway?  

Last year Wanda gave us 2 teddy bears joined together, that had a sign saying "Our first Christmas". Unbeknown to us, it was also our last Christmas together. Last year we went Christmas shopping together and Dave looked at lots of potential gifts for me.  He won't be giving me any of those things that he wanted to give and I won't be receiving any presents from him.  He always put a lot of effort into choosing the right card for me and for others.  I am glad I kept the few cards that I received from him.

I know I will get through this time.  Part of me wants to try and stuff all those grieving emotions down and pretend that it doesn't hurt but the hurt is also sweet.  "It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all".  I only hurt because I love Dave so much.  I want to move forward with my life because I have to and there is no sense dwelling on 'my loss'.  I can't change what has been and I don't want to. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would.  What I had with Dave and who I am today and what I will achieve tomorrow is so much interwoven.  I am thankful for who Dave is to me, for the love that we shared and the relationship we enjoyed. I am thankful for the life I had with Dave but it’s time to start moving forward with purpose.  I still add, "I just wish Dave was moving forward with me!"