In Time

After such a positive interview, you would think that I was set to wait patiently and expectantly, without anxiety until early next week but no, not me.  The last 24 hours especially have been difficult for me with lots of questions and lots of mixed emotions and not all related to getting a job.  


On the job front, I kept wondering what I would do if I don't get the job.  When I looked at the jobs list, there were no Christian schools advertising for a teacher, in Victoria.  As I said to a friend recently, who suggested I look elsewhere, it's not even about getting a job per se.  It goes deeper than that.  If the circumstances were different, then I could look further afield but right now, I need to be in a place where I can heal, grow and establish myself again.  Sadly, establish myself as Mrs Flowers, without the Mr being alongside me.  That breaks my heart.


I know that God answers prayer but along with that, I know that He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want Him to, the way we ask Him to and in the time that we expect Him to.  I have seen close friends of mine, and family too, struggle with the discouragement that comes from unemployment, or from an illness that leads to death.  I know that He provides all that we need and that His timing is perfect.  He sees the end result (or as in the case of my last post, the horse trailer) and I only see a little bit of what I want, what I think is the 'perfect' goal and in actual fact, I can only see this moment and live this day.  I know the Bible verse, "Do not be anxious for anything" and "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own" but knowing and believing comes down to the seemingly often intangible, "Faith and Trust".  


Yet, as I said, for the last 24 hours, I have struggled with "What if God doesn't answer my prayers, then what am I going to do?"  It hurts.  It hurts sometimes more than I can express to be in this situation without Dave.  The main thing is not even being unemployed, or not having my own home, the real painful thing is, I don't have Dave.  There is no Dave at the end of the tunnel once I am healed.  Dave is not going to come and join me when I have a job, when I have my own place and when I start getting on with my life.  As I look ahead, moving forward because I have no alternative, as I try to dream and think about what I want, I keep coming back to the knowledge, that it is all without Dave.


To add to my heartbreak, I keep unearthing more things about Dave and about how hurt he was when he was living without me, or rather, existing.  I wish he was here so I could ask him "Why?"  Why did you do that? or What does this mean?  And I also wish I could have my time over again with him, love him that little bit more, hold him a little bit tighter and help him understand just how valuable and loved he is.  I wish we could do the things that he started wanting to do and I wish that he was with me now.  


I hope that as you read this post, you realise just how important it is to make the most of the time you have now and really love the ones you have been given to love.  Don't wait for  a 'better'  time, do it now.  Before we were married, Dave used to worry about the fact that he was somewhat older than me.  I used to reassure him that whatever time we had together was going to be as good as we made it, that we have no idea how much time we did have, so we needed to make the most of it.  For all we knew, I could have died first.  There are no guarantees in this life, only that we all will pass away sometime.


Now, on the up side of all that I started this post with, I did get a call from the Principal and I've been invited for a  2nd interview next Monday.  He explained also that the job is only for a year and asked me how I felt about it, at the same time reassuring me that it's highly possible, another teaching position will arise so that I could stay on.  For me, that is perfect because I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, or even what I want to be doing.  I need 12 months to re-establish myself and this seems like the perfect place for me.  Oh, I guess it must be perfect, if God is providing it for me.


Just in time, I am provided a job when I need it most which means I can also go and find a home, just in time, before my things from the States arrive.  Of course, it's all 'in time' - God's time.  Who woulda thunk it?


While I am excited about being able to settle down and move forward, there is another strong part of me that is also sad because Dave is not here to share it with me.  I miss him so much and moving forward, as I have said many times before, is like moving further away from my life with him.  That hurts, too.


I am thankful that God provides my every need.  I had an email from Mom Flowers and she said, "We love you so much and want the best for you as you adjust.  It is so beautiful to hear where your faith and trust is - In God alone."
The thing is if I didn't trust God at this time, I would have nothing at all to live for.  She told me to never give up.  Believe me, sometimes I think if I could, I would but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God does have a purpose for me to be alive.  He does have a plan for me and in the end, His ways are higher than mine.


As Job replied to the Lord, 
 “I know that you can do all things; 
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 
 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ 
   Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, 
   things too wonderful for me to know.


Amen and me, too! Me, too Lord.

Interviews, Learning and Growing

Today I went to an interview and met some lovely people who I think I would enjoy working with.  I think I did well although it is hard to judge and was only a first interview.  They will notify me early next week and it is possible I will be invited to a second interview.  The principal asked, "Carolanne, you could get a job anywhere, why do you want to be a part of our school?"  Inwardly I thought, "Well then, why don't you 'snap' me up and employ me?" and outwardly I smiled and answered his question properly. 


In a previous email exchange with the principal I said: 


"Often I am asked about my long term plans, 5 years down the track, 25 years etc but I am not great at having plans because I have learned that I need to make plans 'loosely and with an open hand' giving it to the Lord."

I know that I am led each step of the way and I am glad that the Lord knows me so well.  When Nick and I were trying to get Dee (my horse) into the horse trailer, she would take one step up, then pull and step back.  She needed constant encouragement to keep moving forward.  I would slap her rump, Nick would pull on the rope, we'd try to sweet talk her but it took quite a few step-up, pull- back moments, before she would get in.  Nick got bad rope burns on his hand at the time.


I think I am like Dee at times except that the Lord knows that so He doesn't confront me with the 'horse trailer' straight away.


Instead, He gives me a manageable task and then gives me a slightly harder task next time.  He "grows me" into each task.  Sometimes when I look back, I think to myself that if I had have known what I was going to be doing further down the track, I would balk at the starting gate. When I was at teacher's college, many moons ago, they would hand out all the year's assignments and assessment tasks at the beginning of the year.  I would always feel slightly overwhelmed, until I remembered that it wasn't all due in the first few weeks.  I think that's also a reason why I put off overwhelming projects: I see what the completed finished project should be, I know there will be lots of steps to get to that task and I forget that there is time enough to do it.  


Anyway, I will know early next week.  After I finished the interview, I went and spent some time with my gorgeous son Nathan.  We went out for dinner and were the only ones in the restaurant.  While we were eating, a man came and set up his speakers, took out his guitar and started playing and singing.  I felt bad leaving soon after but Nathan assured me that the man would have been playing regardless of our presence and that at least he had had our audience for a short time.


Nathan learned to drive in an automatic car and got his automatic driver's licence, so now that I have a manual car, he has the opportunity to learn how to drive it.  I took him for a driving lesson and was thankful that I only had to teach him how to change gears and do a handbrake start as he already has car 'sense' and knows the rules.  We got to an intersection which was uphill so he had to learn how to do a handbrake start.  Take your foot off the clutch gently with your left foot, accelerate with your right foot and with your left hand, release the handbrake.  He stalled a few times so I offered to do it for him.  He persisted until he could cross the intersection himself.  We drove around a bit more and then I suggested we stop at McDonalds for an ice-cream.  He drove into a car space that was slightly uphill and when the car stalled, he got out it and asked me to park it properly.


I asked him why he didn't want to persist with that one and I guess it came down to the fact that he had 'finished' his learning for the time being.


We keep moving forward, we make plans and we keep learning and growing.  As Psalm 139 says:


¹ You have searched me, LORD, 
   and you know me. 
² You know when I sit and when I rise; 
   you perceive my thoughts from afar. 
³ You discern my going out and my lying down; 
   you are familiar with all my ways. 
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue 
   you, LORD, know it completely. 
⁵ You hem me in behind and before, 
   and you lay your hand upon me. 
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
   too lofty for me to attain.


I am glad He knows me so well and that He gently leads me, in the way that is best for me.

My Hope, His Time

Would that grief would follow a set pattern, with fool proof instructions and be predictable.  Then I wouldn't have walked into that store this morning and wouldn't have thought about the special times between Dave and I, the intimacy we enjoyed and wouldn't have had to rush out the door, fighting back the tears.  After that, I walked around the shopping centre, looking at boring, non-threatening to my composure type stuff and bought a pretty pair of earrings that were cheap and a little wallet sized photo holder.  


The last couple of days I keep thinking about needing a job and needing a home, in that order and I know I have to just give it to God and not worry about it.  I have been very blessed because I have friends who have opened up their homes to me and given me an amazing amount of love and support during this difficult period of my life.  I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to be melancholy but unfortunately, grief can be unpredictable and there are times when I find it hard to move forward and be cheerful. My friends are very understanding towards me and they are priceless.


While I know that being here was the most practical decision for me, I still wonder why I came to Australia so soon, when all I'm doing is wandering from home to home and catching up with family and friends.  Meanwhile, my crate of things is getting closer and meant to arrive on December 11th and then it will still have to go through customs and may or may not be here until after Christmas.  Today I bought a beautiful bed which will also be ready for me by mid December.  I am trying to set up a home and look forward, without having a definite job and home to go to.  As the crate moves closer, the urgency of needing a job and a home fills my mind.


So yesterday I read Psalm 62 which says, v1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress I will never be shaken."
v 5-8  Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God.  He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.


Anyway, I glanced over at the Message and verse 1 reads:  God, the one and only -- I'll wait as long as He says.  Everything I need comes from Him.


So in case I missed it yesterday or maybe God knows me well and decided I needed to hear it again, today the reading was from Exodus 15:22-27 and the devotional thought said, "Even when our situation looks difficult, we can trust that God is leading.  He already knows what we'll need when we get there."


I do know all that and believe it to be true.  I do give it to God and trust Him.  I want to add a 'but' here but there is no buts, only Him.  I am not trying to be pious nor am I trying to pretend in order to make me (and others) feel good.  I obviously am struggling in this area and I am trying to make my feet walk the way my heart knows is the right way to go.  The thing is that grief is not something I can just 'snap out of it' and feel better, it's not a cough or a cold that I can take medicine for and watch it go away because at the moment, it's a state of being, it's with me all the time.  It's not something I can share with others and it's not contagious.  If I had my own home, I would have the privacy to deal with it in my own way and would be able to unwrap my new home and see something tangible, a move forward in my life.


All I can say is: "So help me, Father God". I need to hope in Him and wait for as long as He takes, knowing that He will provide all I need as He leads me forward, each step of the way.

Missing the Stuff of Memories

I miss not having all my stuff with me and I'm not talking about 'my' stuff, I mean our stuff, stuff that Dave and I bought together, things that remind me of Dave and things that remind me of my life with him.  Most of the things that we had (and that I wanted to keep - which isn't a whole lot), are being sent over on a ship and aren't due to arrive here until mid to late December. I have 2 suitcases worth of clothes and things that I brought back to Australia with me and although it includes two of Dave's shirts and one of his jackets, it's not enough.  I want the photos of Dave and me, the photo collages that were made and I want him.

I know it's not realistic.  I continued reading the book "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston and read this bit which really expresses how I feel:

"What I really want is some sort of "It's okay, I'm here" sign from him.  The worst part about grief is that it's so one-sided, so unrequited.  Lost loved ones don't reciprocate, when you get right down to it.  You try to convince yourself that they do.  But [Dave] hurts me every day with his indifference, his aloofness.  I pray, I journal, I speak to him.  Not a peep.  He's like the popular kids in high school, breezing by in a flash with no eye contact or acknowledgement of my existence.
I flop back against the pillows, irritated.  The nerve of these dead people!.. What do they have to do that's so important? Sure, you're dead.  But there's such a thing as manners,  The lengths I've gone to: the flowers tossed into the sea, the candles burned, the photo albums.  The shrink visits, the grief groups, the antidepressants.  Nothing from them."

I understand that feeling.  It's not fair that I have to keep moving forward shrouded by grief.  It's not fair that I have to do this on my own without Dave's support and without Dave reassuring me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  When (assuming I do) I get through this season of grief, he won't be there (unless I've died) to cheer me and make plans with me.  He won't be there to thank me for being there for him, for loving him, for doing things that remind me and others, of his kindness and integrity.

I want to move forward and make plans but I'm reticent because those plans don't include Dave.  It's a whole new world out there, beckoning to me with long, bony, gnarled fingers, with hints of blue skies and beauty but it's luring me to let go of Dave, leave him behind so that I can walk forward.  I still feel the tips of Dave's fingers touching mine, I still hear his whispers of "We can do this" but it's not 'we', it's me.  I just want to turn my back on the beckoning, turn around and fall into Dave's arms and have him hold me like he used to and make me feel at home again.

I know that I can't do that so I slowly raise my hand halfway towards the beckoning, then drop it at my side again.  I want more than just a feeling, more than just a thought, I want something real that I can touch, hang on to and aim for.  Sort of like being in the water but having the shore to aim for, a jetty post to pull yourself forward when the current keeps trying to drag you back into the ocean.

When I have gotten through this season of grief, I want Dave to walk through the door, hug me and say, "Well you passed that 'test',  you're stronger so let's get on with our life together again."

The Great Ocean Road

I'm sitting in a motel room, listening to the ocean waves crashing outside.   The sun was setting, as I sat in my car eating fish, scallops, a pineapple fritter, and watching the waves flirt with the sand.  It was a little cool when I got out of the car to take photos.  I was standing in the car park with the wind blowing on my face and in my hair and when I could resist no longer, I ran down to the sand and almost to the water's edge.  Tomorrow I have plans to spend a good amount of time at the beach.  When I got back in the car, I noticed that there was sand on the driver's side floor.  I was delighted to find the sand in my otherwise clean car!

I love the beach.  Not necessarily to swim in, but just to be there.  I love the sound of the powerful waves crashing, I love the smell of the salty, fresh air and I love how the ocean just keeps on going, without end.  It all reminds me of the total power and awesomeness of God.  Despite how big and powerful the ocean is, how full of animals and life, despite the many grains of sand, the rockpools and bushes alongside the shore, our Creator God loves us and considers us valuable.

My friend Donna told me about a Christian school that needed a teacher and I went for an interview today.  She asked me how I felt about it and I had to be honest:

"I like the school.  I guess, to be honest, I find it hard to be 'confident' or look forward to anything these days because of what's happened to me over the last few months.  I want it to be good but my plans haven't turned out how I have wanted in a long time."

Like Dave used to say. "All plans are subject to change." and boy, haven't I learnt that over the last few months?!

She encouraged me to read Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that His plans are best and good for me.  In a sense, I guess the thing is that even though I am not full of hope about my plans or even this job, I put it in His hands because He has plans to proper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.  The area the school is in has the beach nearby, farms, city and country life.  It  would be a perfect place for me to start all over again...

At the interview, they asked me, "What makes you get up every morning?" and I replied, "The knowledge that I have to.  I know that God has a purpose for my life, has given me gifts, talents and interests and that I need to honour Him with my life".  I believe that.  The thing is, it is tempting to stay in bed, to hide away from everyone and everything but I know that's not reality and I know that isn't a healthy choice.

While I drove along the Great Ocean Road this evening, I thought about how wonderful it would be to have Dave alongside me, sharing with him the beautiful views, sharing with him my 'new' life.  Sometimes it seems that every step forward is a step further away from him... and that I don't like!!! But it is what it is and the 2nd part of John 10:10 says, "I have come that they might have life and have it to the full."

I am so thankful that God has put many amazing, special people in my life and that He has opened my eyes to the beauty that was created and formed by Him just saying the word. It is very good!

My Place In This World

I was hanging the washing out on the line, the sun shining and although it's still a little cool, there's a breeze so the clothes should dry fairly quickly.  As I hung them out, I thought about how 18 or so months ago, I had had my photo taken of me hanging out the clothes because I thought that would be the last time I'd ever have to do that chore.  Dave had told me many times that there's no point in having a clothesline at our home because it's too dusty and it takes up unnecessary time. 

Sometimes life just seems so unfair!!!  Here I am in Australia, without Dave.  Right now I really need to talk to him, to get his perspective on things, to find out what he would be doing/saying and yet, he's not here and I have to make decisions without his input.  I don't want to come across as 'whiney' but the fact is, it's hard to convey not only how much it hurts but how it impacts on me, my life, my emotions and my choices.  I know who Dave is and I know what he would say and even do but he's not here.

Yesterday I heard Michael W Smith singing the song, "My Place In This World":

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world

My place in this world

That song expresses it so accurately for me.  I'm trying to find a place where I belong, a place where I can start afresh without Dave, moving on, looking for a reason to even want to belong somewhere.  At times I am hopeful but then I remember the hope Dave and I shared to continue our life together for more years to come.  Looking for a reason.... 

On the other hand, there are some positive steps forward. 

I picked up my 'new' car yesterday.  It's a 2002 Toyota Rav 4 Edge with low kms, AWD and plenty of space to throw in my bike and a backpack and head for the beach, the hills, or wherever I want to go.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for teaching at a Christian school.  (Wednesday, 5:15pm for Aussies and Tues. 11:15pm PST in the USA)  I would really like this job and think I am a good 'fit' for it so please feel free to pray for me and pray that whatever happens I will remember that God does have a purpose and plan for my life.  Today I'm going to prepare a 'portfolio' of my teaching experience and initiatives, with photos, so that I'll be able to hand them something visual and concrete.  I know that when I do have a job, even though I wouldn't be starting until 2012, I would be able to feel a lot more settled here and at least have a direction in which to move forward.

Since there are so many things I don't have control over, that do affect my life, I'll just have to keep trusting God and leaning on Him to get me through this time.

Treasures Stored Up

Karen assured me yesterday that the blue-tongue lizard I saw in the garden, means that there are no snakes in the garden.  She also told me that it wasn't a pumpkin patch, nor petunias and not even pansies.  They were big green leaves with little orange flowers although, when I was checking out that lizard, I wasn't paying close attention to the flowers.

It was a lovely day yesterday although a tad on the windy side and today it looks like it's going to be even windier.  I had planned to go riding with Karen and Melanie but I'm not so sure I want to tackle hills in this weather.  Perhaps I could convince them to drive to the beach for a walk there, or maybe go to Connells for a vanilla slice and diet coke.... Well they can have tea, but I'll stick to my diet coke.

The last few days I've walked to the shopping centre from here, twice each day.  Going there is fine but coming back, especially by the second time yesterday, I wasn't so sure that walking uphill is all that it's cut out to be.  However, with all the good home cooking Karen has been dishing up, walking a few miles every day is probably necessary.

Banking has been a problem.  Originally, I decided I would just take money out of the US account using an ATM, then deposit it into my Aussie account.  It limits how much I can take out at a time but it isn't as though I am in a hurry to get too much money.... Until I decided that I would really like to buy a car.  So I checked out other options.

My aussie bank said that I could do an online transfer.  I checked with my US bank and they said that I can't do an online transfer but that they could wire the money for a fee of $50 and any other fees that the Aussie bank imposed.  The US bank suggested I write a check (cheque) and that wouldn't have any fees with it from the US side.
My Aussie bank told me that a cheque would take 30 days to clear and have a $10 fee on their end. Thirty days???!!!  She explained that was so they could prove it wasn't fraudulent as it would have to include the US bank etc.  The Aussie bank also said that any wired money would take at least 3 business days to clear.

So I got the US bank to raise the amount I can withdraw and I will use 2 ATMs to transfer money across each day.  Ridiculous!

Yesterday I also sat down and wrote out a list of expenses and items so that I will have an idea of how much it's going to cost me to live for the next few months.  I did it with the thought that I will have a job at the beginning of the school year in 2012 and as though I would be moving into my own place by Dec 1st, 2011.  There are a couple of applications I have submitted that I am hopeful about but nothing is certain.  Until I have a job, I can not really make any definite plans as I need to be availabe for interviews.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and missing Dave so I went into my room, preparing to write Dan and Rhonda an email.  I turned on Skype and they were there, so I got to talk/see them which was even better!  Sometimes being on the other side of the world, not being able to do anything and help, is stressful.  On the weekend, my son Nathan reminded me that I was here so that I could move forward with my life and that I needed to let go and not stress.  It's not easy.  I am very thankful for the friends and family who are so supportive at this time.

I was reading my Bible yesterday and read, Matt. 6:20,21 "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  This life is temporal and I'm reminded of Mark Lowry's favourite verse, "And this too shall pass".