Hey Me!

Dave used to, half jokingly and half seriously, tell me I was a 'romantic' and what he meant by that was I had "happily ever after" dreams.  I like happy endings.  Even though from the beginning until the end, the journey is fraught with mishaps, uncertainty, dragons, and dark woods, there is still the happy ending.  My favourite movies are full of music, turning around bad for good, drama, a touch of romance and in the end, there is the kiss that produces fireworks, understanding and the realisation that their love will endure no matter what obstacles life throws at them.

Years ago, I gave up dreaming and anticipating good things happening in my life.  Although there were glimpses of happiness, good times shared and moments of fun and excitement, I got to a point that I would just let life happen.  My attitude began to change and took a turn for the better especially after Dave and I got together.  Our marriage was by no means a happily ever after, feel good, romantic life but as I rubbed his back a few hours before he passed away, I knew that he had found his place with me, was enjoying my love and that we would be able to get through whatever life threw at us, together....  Except, we didn't get a together ever after, I have had to do it on my own.

I have been back in Australia for one year and four days and I want to move forward with my life.  I have one big problem in that, I don't have a "life" to get on with.

As I was coming over to Australia, the passenger next to me suggested I make goals for what I wanted to achieve, or have happen, in the next twelve months.  My main goal has been to get back on my feet, rebuild what I could of what I had lost, re-establish who I am and start dreaming and making plans to fulfill those dreams.

I feel like a horse chafing at the bit wanting to get on with my life or like a horse being held back in the corral.  I watch others doing what they want to do, being surrounded with their loved ones, being able to share their dreams and move forward with the assurance that even if their plans don't succeed, they will still have a home, still have someone who is a vital part of their life (be it child or spouse) and/or still have a place they belong, where they can give and receive and find shelter from the storms of life.

I have had three job interviews and for all of them, I was extremely close to being offered an on-going, full-time position.  One person said if they had have had an extra position to offer, it would have been mine and another person urged me to apply again if they have any more positions come up.  They were all impressed with my experience and who I am.  One said they admired my voracity and love for life, even knowing it hasn't been easy for me.

As I travelled on a bus with my students to and from an excursion today, I thought about what I want in life and the likelihood of it happening... not any time soon.

I want a horse but can't get one until I know where I will be living.
I want a job but keep missing out.
I would like to live on some land but can I do that on my own?
I wouldn't mind making new friends and perhaps begin dating some great Christian guy but I can't do that until I know where I am living.

What will I do if I don't get a job? Is there a different job I could do and if so, what would that be? I could possibly travel but would I want to do that on my own and if so, where would I go? Plus, I would like to keep my savings so that I can use it to buy a horse, maybe buy a car that can transport my horse, buy a sadddle or even buy my own home one day.

Do dreams come true?  I can't say that I have experienced a dream coming true forever.  I am skeptical that any of my dreams can happen and yet I feel that my dreams aren't unreasonable.  I look at friends and family living their lives and sometimes I feel envious because I have nothing and no one to move forward with.  Some of them tell me that it isn't so bad for me or that it isn't as good as I think it is, but I have tasted some of those dreams and it was good!  It was so good that I do know what I am missing out on.  Some try to tell me that I need to be patient or have more faith, but a positive attitude doesn't pay the bills.

Having said that, I will keep moving forward with my plans because even though I am a realist and at times cynical about dreams coming true, hope drives me to pursue the life that I want to have.  As I thought and prayed about this today, I wondered, "Why did God give me a taste of those dreams and then allow them to be cut short?  Did God give me this desire to live on the land and the enjoyment of the outdoors?  And if He did give me that desire, then why doesn't He give me the wisdom to know what decisions and choices I should make in order to be where He wants me to be?  Why did He give me such a heartful of love, talents and abilities that suit who I am, if I am only to mark time in this life?"

I get so much enjoyment in this life! I love walking along the beach and in the bush and mountains.  I love swimming in rivers, lakes or pools, playing squash and riding my bike.  I like sitting in my hanging basket reading or playing a computer game while drinking my diet coke.  I like trying new things, having fun, doing something different.  I love being with friends and family.  I love pretending that I am adventurous enough to try hang-gliding or parachuting!

I love my grade.  I look at how far they have come this year and even though they can still be challenging, each child has so much personality and I am reminded of why I am so passionate about teaching.  I love my job.

So wrap all this up into the person called, "Carolanne" and that is me.  Please God, help me to have a life that is worth living, life in all its fulness and a life that I enjoy and that blesses others.  I want to be who You created me to be, with all my interests, abilities and talents. I just want to get on with life.

Looking... Again

This life is certainly a  journey for me, or more accurately, a rollercoaster.  I've filled out applications for jobs for next year as the job I am currently employed in finishes on December 14th, 2012.  I am really struggling with this and even motivation.  I know I have to do this because a job isn't going to fall into my lap but it feels like I am where I was at a year ago. Next week I have three job interviews and those are from the top of my preferences. 

I know, and loved ones have reminded me, I am further ahead than I was this time a year ago. I miss Dave very much and miss the life and dreams we could have shared together.  Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss him.  On the other hand, I know I am stronger, have grown in confidence and I'm somewhat more content with who I am as a person.  I am at a point in my life that I want to move ahead and get on with living but once again, I am in the position of not having anything secure for the coming year. Wherever my job ends up being, I will need to move again which will mean I will need to make new friends, learn a new 'area' and find a new church home, among other things.  In other words, start from scratch all over again.

I wasn't made to be a nomad.  I would like to belong somewhere, put down roots, have  routine, some predictability and not have so much 'adventure' in my life.  A friend told me recently I should write my life story and sell it as fiction because no one would believe it.  On the other hand, if I don't get a job, perhaps I should backpack around Europe or England or Egypt.  I am thankful that I make friends easily, keep good friends forever and that technology allows me to stay in touch with loved ones regularly.

Recently a friend suggested that I needed to make plans and I replied I can't.  One, to make plans I need to have a job and know where I can settle and two, my heart doesn't know what I want.  There is nothing definite in my life right now so all I have is today. 

I reread my last blog post and these words struck a chord:

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts. I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt. Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken? I'm not sure it is worth it.

Like I said at the start, my life is a rollercoaster.  When I write a blog post, you need to keep in mind it was how I was feeling at that moment and that by the time you read it, it's quite probable I have moved on and am enjoying an unexpected blessing, watching a wave roll in, listening to rain fall on the roof or walking through the Aussie bush listening to a kookaburra laugh.

One of my young colleagues has moved in with me until either of us know where we will be next year.  It will be good to have her company and not come home to an empty house for the next few months. Tonight we are watching "My Fair Lady" which is a musical that always makes me feel good and next Tuesday we are having a Tupperware party which should be fun too.  By then, I will have had two job interviews and hopefully, might be feeling quite positive about how they went and even if not, I will still have a good time with friends.

I was asked recently if I am looking forward to the interviews.  I am looking foward to knowing what, where and when I will be able to make plans for next year.  I do want to get on with my life and I do have some hopes and dreams.  I want to make things happen and I am thankful that everything works for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose.  I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me far more than I can even comprehend and He has plans that are good for my future and I can put my hope in that certainty, despite the rollercoaster of life and emotions.

On my way home from a great day out at the show yesterday, I thought, "Wouldn't it be loverly if I could live on a farm somewhere, milk a cow, shear a sheep.  Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" (Mixing my words with My Fair Lady) Can't you just imagine it?

Springtime Brings Hope

I went to bed last night and begrudgingly opened my devotions book and my eye caught the title of the day before's reading, which I hadn't done. I skimmed over today's and then read the one I really wanted to read.  This is what I read.

"Face the Truth and Find Freedom".

 If you want to continually live in new levels of victory, you must remain open and receptive to the truth about yourself. This is not just a superficial acknowledgement of wrong thinking and behaviour - it is an open and honest recognition of our sin before God that brings an attitude of repentance, which is a willingness to go in the right direction.
It can be painful, but facing the truth about your mindsets, motives and methods of doing things enables you to move beyond your despair and experience a wonderful fellowship with God.
The truth about yourself often brings great hurt, but the truth of God's Word brings great healing. As you continue in His Word, the truth will set you free."

I turned off the light, my heart burning and open to what I needed to hear.  I was not surprised by the truth because I had whispered it already but had tried to block it out in my desire to have what I wanted and to have security in this world.  What I wanted wasn't bad but my motives and means to go about it weren't as pure as I pretended.  The way I handled myself even in the 'break up' with a wonderful guy wasn't godly and I sought approval and justification from my friends. 

As I pondered on it, I realised that I had been putting my trust and security in a man rather than God.  I wanted security and sought it in something and/or someone other than Him.  I wanted to move forward and was willing to do what I could instead of trusting God to bring about what I needed in His time.  I had prayed about those things before but somewhere along the line started to put God aside and do it on my own.  As soon as I admitted it to myself, I asked for forgiveness and once again, knew the "peace that passes understanding."  It hurts and there's still a part of me that wants that relationship again but if that happens, it's going to be on a godly foundation. I will also pray for him as he faces challenges in his life and pray that he learns to trust in God at this difficult time, too.

I feel like I am back to being 'me' again and moving forward in the right direction.  At staff devotions this morning, one of the guys shared a song by Kutless called, "I Do Not Belong" and I smiled because this is especially pertinent to how I've been feeling for a long time.  
 

I look around and I feel like, things changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear.

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong 
 

By the end of today, with Spring in the air and the promise of hope, I decided I needed to celebrate and have friends and family over for a 'party' on Friday night.  It's short notice and when someone asked me what the party is for, I said, "Spring".  Spring has always been my favourite season and that's partly because my birthday is in Spring (October) but also because I love the hope that goes with it: The hope of new life, the hope of warmer weather and the hope of better days.  I looked for a picture to go with my invite and then took my phone outside, edited the photo and this is what I came up with:

 

The Rollercoaster of Life and Lift!

This week I've been thinking about the roller coaster I've been on and heard the song with the lyrics, "Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it" and although I love the thrill of rollercoasters at an amusement park, the rollercoaster of life is wearing me down and I'm tired of hurting.  In some ways I feel like I'm back to square one in all areas of my life without any certainty and still trying to figure out things on my own.  Things I thought were good have been taken from me and I keep asking "Why????"  Why can't I have something I want? Since I can't have Dave and my life in the States, why can't I just have something good here without feeling like I am swimming against the current and barely keeping my head above the water."

I went to church this morning and the words of songs reminded me,

"God you are giving
God you are healing.
God You are my hope
You are my everything". 

I sang those words over and over again, and in my head once the music had stopped.  God is healing me.  God is my hope.  God is my everything.  And there was another song that said, "I trust you Lord in everything" and I asked myself if that was really true. Do I trust Him in everything??

I listened to the sermon and the message was that it's about a personal encounter with Christ and "a long obedience in the same direction".  Never give up, stay focussed on God and aim for consistency. Keep turning up where God is.  Then the clincher, "We're not meant do it on our own" and my cynical reply was, "Then why am I expected to do it on my own?" I know there are people in my life who walk beside me but in the end, when night falls, they go home to their loved ones and I am left on my own, they get hugged every day by their family, they have someone to vent with and someone they trust and I eat alone and go to work, come home alone and go through it again.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week.  It started out with a misunderstanding/ miscommunication with a very close friend which is still not resolved and I still don't understand why it even happened, my horse has gone and I received a beautiful quilt from a friend overseas which is made with the clothes and jeans that Dave wore.  I try so hard but as I said to my friend Donna today, "I feel like I am back to square one.  I still don't have job security.  I still don't have my own home, I still don't have a partner and, depending on where I get a job, I could be starting all over again from scratch in a few months time.

As I drove from church to the beach, a song played on the radio called, "Lift" and I sure could relate to the lyrics:

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

But on the plus side today, I walked over a bridge to get to the beach on the other side and as I walked over it, I thought of how I used to have a phobia of bridges, until Dave 'walked' me over the swing bridge at Montana.  Obviously this bridge was much more secure and I was brave enough to walk close to the edge and even look down into the water!  The beach was real pretty on the other side so I'm glad I walked over the bridge.

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts.  I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt.  Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken?  I'm not sure it is worth it.

No Compromise On Moving Forward

Not long after Dave passed away, I had a heart to heart talk with my son and told him some of my dreams and some of the things I would not compromise on.  As life has gone on, I have found myself wanting to compromise if only to give me a reason to enjoy life and put down roots and not have to try so hard on my own.

Last weekend found me counting my losses again, hurting badly, dredging up the hurts of the past and wanting to give up.  There are times when I run forward but there are times when I turn around and want to run for the safety of the past even though it's not at all possible.  When I am looking back, I get discouraged and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, I can't hear them and I don't want to hear them.  Fortunately for me, I have more very good friends than the average person does, which reminds I am valuable, well loved and above average.  It also means that I have persistent family and friends who will confront me gently with the truth, pray for me and who are more patient than I could have ever asked for.  They don't give up on me and I don't give up on them.

Recently I said to one of my friends who was telling me not to give up and telling me to take my time, be patient, move forward, "As much as you are very understanding, you don't really know how it is to have no ties, nothing and no one holding you here." She very generously agreed and said, "You're 100% right there, I have NO idea how it is to be you." but she also reminded me of how far I've come, what I have done in the past 12 months and how strong I really am.

When my friends tell me something, even though I might be defensive, I do  listen and when they are not around, I repeat their words to me, sift it, shake it and decide what I am going to do about it because they're usually right.

I had a good day with my students and in fact, I really enjoy them and even though they are challenging, they still say I am their favourite teacher even when I have to growl at them.  Even the boys draw pictures of me with a big smiley face and write me notes telling me I am fun, I am their favourite teacher and I am cool.  They walk beside me when we're walking to the library or the farm and I heard one girl say today, "And Mrs Flowers loves me!" as she went out to lunch.


Last weekend I realised I had to sell my horse Monty and today was the day he was going to his new home. We had him tied up in the corral and I patted and stroked him and he nuzzled me.  He kept pushing into me while I held him and kept putting his nose into my face.  There is nothing quite like the smell of a horse and the way a horse hugs you.  I stood on the side between him and the shed while the other people stood on the other side of the fence and couldn't see me.  It was a special time between Monty and me.  "Don't give up on your dream" advised Adrian as Monty was driven away to his new home. I assured him that I don't give up that easily when I've given my heart. I hadn't known him long but he was my horse and I am going to miss him.

What a day!  I started out in my work clothes to teach, changed into my jeans and boots to play with my horse and now I'm getting into my shorts, Tshirt and runners to go play squash with the guys tonight, which is always fun.

But the words of my friends and probably their prayers, means that I'm counting all the things I have to be thankful for. Despite all my losses over the past 12 months, I know I am alive and I have the hope and certainty that I have a lot to live for and a lot to give. I know I am much stronger and as I look back over the past, I can see how God has helped me get through every moment that has been hard.  I have the confidence that I can get on with my life and enjoy it.  I don't  have to wait for life to happen or for circumstances to be perfect.   I don't have to compromise or change who I am. I can get out there and do the things I enjoy and keep moving forward to attain my dreams.  If those dreams aren't attainable, that's OK, I'll just find some new dreams to aim for.

Still, the niggling thought in the back of my mind is: What am I going to do about a job for next year and where should I apply? lol

OK now off too squash and off to forget about work for a couple hours.

Wedding Rings

Life is going on with all it's challenges and some days I feel like I am coping really well.  How well I cope is often determined by the amount of sleep I have had, the amount of socialising I've done, how well my class has behaved, whether or not I am keeping up to date with school work and how much music I've listened to.  That is all normal I know and now, a year and 2 weeks after Dave has passed away, I do feel like I am starting to live again and do things that I enjoy.  I've even started looking forward to summer again so that I will be able to play outdoors.  I realised that I missed the Aussie summer because I was in the early throes of grief and had no emotional capacity or desire, to go out and play then.

A few months ago I was looking at the wedding rings on my left hand which includes Dave's on my middle finger and my engagement/wedding ring on my fourth finger.  I wear my mum's wedding ring on my right hand.  When my mum passed away, Dad brought home her ring and put it on the table and said, "This is the first time in 39 years, this ring has come off her finger."  When he gave it to me to wear some time later, I felt honoured and it is very special to me.  Anyway, I was talking about my rings with a friend, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with them.  I decided tentatively that I would wait until it was the anniversary of Dave's passing away before I took them off.

Last night I was at home alone and playing with my rings.  I took them off, looked at my hand, felt the grief and put them back on again.  Today I have ventured to put Dave's ring on the middle finger of my right hand, next to mum's.  Both of them have had such a big part in my life and nothing (and no one) can take that away from me.  I am still wearing my wedding ring that symbolises my marriage to Dave.  I don't know how long I will wear it for but as someone said to me tonight, "There's no hurry."

Sometimes I get mad at Dave for leaving me and I get mad about me being on my own again.  I want to get all our photos, his clothes, everything, box it all up and throw it away.  I don't ever do that though, because I know I would only regret it later.  One of my colleagues is planning to move in with me and help share the bills, as of September some time.  To make room for her, perhaps I will need to go through those things objectively and either store it or give it away.  I think I am getting to that emotional place where I will be able to do that.

And thus, the journey continues......

Love Binds My Heart

It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep.  Thoughts are swirling round in my head and my heart is chasing them all, trying to take hold of what is good, true and full of hope and trying not to focus on the hurt and loss over the past year.  But sometimes it seems impossible and since the anniversary of Dave's passing away is only a day or so away, (Thurs. Aug. 2nd) it is probably normal for me to feeling this way.

The year has been challenging and there are no words to describe the heartache and toughness of it all.  Every day since then I have got out of bed and faced each day and whatever it held for me.  Every night I go to bed and wonder why I will bother to get up the next day.  I look to what I had back then and to what I have now and I still can't see the point of it all.  I have not 'achieved' anything through all this struggling.  OK - before you all balk at that statement and start pointing out the new friendships, the job, the shelter, I want you to know you are not measuring it in the same way I am.  I was content with my life with Dave.  I did not want to change who I was with or where I was.  Dave was my home. I belonged with him.

Now I belong nowhere.  I can get up and leave any time as there are no roots to tie me down.  Some people might consider that freedom but I was made for more than just to exist.  Many years ago, someone spoke to me and said that I have a heart full of love to give but I was young at the time, so tucked those words away without fully understanding them. 

I love.

I love each student in my class.  I know them, their idiosyncrasies, their weaknesses and their strengths.  When they are feeling down about themselves, I believe in them.  I love seeing their eyes light up when they finally understand a concept that they had been struggling with.  I want to motivate them to learn and I want to help them grow as individuals and take responsibility for their learning.  People, be they parents, teachers or other sideliners, observe and sometimes make comments about how I should go about teaching this class, but they are not with them all day, every day, they do not know the individuals in that class and sometimes their understanding of how best to teach my class is limited. Plus, they are not me and they do not have the same relationship with my students, that I do.

I love my colleagues.  I work with people who are passionate about teaching and who give their hearts and time to their students.  I love sitting in the staffroom, listening to their stories of their students and also listening to them tell their stories that are not school related.  I have built up good friendships amongst the staff and I feel very privileged when they honour me with their friendship and love.

I love my family.  My family includes my son, Nathan, of whom I am very proud and includes my siblings, Dave's siblings, my in-laws and my own family.  Naturally I am closer to some but I know that my family pray for me, love me and care about what happens to me.

I love my friends.  I am sometimes amazed at how my friends keep loving me even when I think I am so unlovable.  They reassure me, encourage me and pray for me.  They accept me when I'm at my darkest and they don't give up on me.  They play games of Words With Friends with me over and over again even if they get beaten and they sometimes say silly things just to make me laugh.  They tease me playfully and they make me smile.

So here I am when I should be asleep trying to figure out what my future holds and whether my heart will be strong enough to face it.  I am scared of this next part of my life because there is still nothing for me to hold on to.  There is nothing to stop me from walking away except for .... love. 

I guess that's it, isn't it?  As it says in 1 Corinthians 13: If I have everything but don't have love, I am nothing.  "[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

And now it is past midnight, but I'm glad I got up to write this and to realise that love is what counts at this time.  If there is no love, there is no hope and if there is no love, there is no faith either.  Love binds it all together.  It binds my heart and keeps it strong so that I can face an unknown future without fear.  It binds my heart and keeps it strong so that I can keep loving the people God puts in my life, without worrying (too much) about getting hurt and suffering more loss. Oh that reminds me of the verse, "Perfect love casts out fear."  I get it now! I'm still scared but I know that God's love will keep me safe and He will guard my heart for me. I don't have to protect my heart, I just have to put my heart in God's hands and trust Him to show me how I should love.

Bind: to fasten or secure with a band or bond. to swathe or bandage (often followed by up ): to bind up one's wounds. to fasten around; fix in place by girding: to tie up (anything, as sheaves of grain).