Wedding Rings

Life is going on with all it's challenges and some days I feel like I am coping really well.  How well I cope is often determined by the amount of sleep I have had, the amount of socialising I've done, how well my class has behaved, whether or not I am keeping up to date with school work and how much music I've listened to.  That is all normal I know and now, a year and 2 weeks after Dave has passed away, I do feel like I am starting to live again and do things that I enjoy.  I've even started looking forward to summer again so that I will be able to play outdoors.  I realised that I missed the Aussie summer because I was in the early throes of grief and had no emotional capacity or desire, to go out and play then.

A few months ago I was looking at the wedding rings on my left hand which includes Dave's on my middle finger and my engagement/wedding ring on my fourth finger.  I wear my mum's wedding ring on my right hand.  When my mum passed away, Dad brought home her ring and put it on the table and said, "This is the first time in 39 years, this ring has come off her finger."  When he gave it to me to wear some time later, I felt honoured and it is very special to me.  Anyway, I was talking about my rings with a friend, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with them.  I decided tentatively that I would wait until it was the anniversary of Dave's passing away before I took them off.

Last night I was at home alone and playing with my rings.  I took them off, looked at my hand, felt the grief and put them back on again.  Today I have ventured to put Dave's ring on the middle finger of my right hand, next to mum's.  Both of them have had such a big part in my life and nothing (and no one) can take that away from me.  I am still wearing my wedding ring that symbolises my marriage to Dave.  I don't know how long I will wear it for but as someone said to me tonight, "There's no hurry."

Sometimes I get mad at Dave for leaving me and I get mad about me being on my own again.  I want to get all our photos, his clothes, everything, box it all up and throw it away.  I don't ever do that though, because I know I would only regret it later.  One of my colleagues is planning to move in with me and help share the bills, as of September some time.  To make room for her, perhaps I will need to go through those things objectively and either store it or give it away.  I think I am getting to that emotional place where I will be able to do that.

And thus, the journey continues......