Well so much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems almost superfluous to go back and try to retrace those steps. I still feel, at times, like I'm on a roller coaster and as the anniversary of Dave's passing draws closer, I am aware that although I've moved forward and although the cloak of grief doesn't weigh me down as heavily, I still miss him very much. I still miss the life we shared together.
The end of the school term finished and I was glad for the two week school break. I needed it! It had been a long, challenging term and I think that was part of the reason I had been feeling so down, as mentioned in my last couple of posts. During the school break, I went back to my classroom a couple of times and figured out where I was headed in my class and started preparing for the new term with eagerness and a new, more positive attitude. This past week with my class has been good although I still need to keep reining in their escalating chattiness which can get out of control, if unchecked. I am more organised than I have been and ready for the long weeks ahead.
A couple of weeks ago, Nathan and I went on a short holiday interstate and we had a good time. There were times that I realised he and I needed to re-establish our relationship because I am no longer a mother to a young son. I am now mother to a young adult son and with that, our relationship changes more towards a close friendship rather than me in 'authority', yet also with me still wanting to guide him, steer him the right way and make sure he continues to walk as a godly young man. He, on the other hand, is a typical (almost) 20 year old man with a girlfriend, study and life and he is at a point where he wants to be independent and make his own choices about how his life will unfold.
So, I continued giving him driving lessons for a manual car, we went on a tour to Kangaroo Island which we enjoyed immensely, went to a market and shared a 'pig's ear' and we went to a bookstore and bought books to read. We do have a lot in common and I am very thankful for my son!
I guess the other big news in my life is that during the holidays, I decided to figure out if I was ready to 'date' again. Last Sunday afternoon, I made plans to meet a guy for coffee/hot chocolate in a cafe, down by the beach. As I was driving there, I was thinking, "What am I doing???? Am I ready for this?" He was 5 minutes late so I teased him about that as he claims to be so punctual. We had a nice time together, teasing each other and sharing about our lives, our interests, and even our spouses. His wife had passed away on their 28th wedding anniversary which was 18 months ago so he still misses his 'rock'. He has a lot of energy and is passionate about his community, football/Collingwood and his family of 3 daughters. I admire that about him. (Being passionate about his community and family - not the Collingwood bit. lol!)
On Friday night, we decided to go to a movie "Snow White and the Huntsman" and Nathan also got to meet him and I got to meet two of his daughters. He and I had dinner together first and when he spilt his coke zero onto my plate of chips, I laughed because he did it, not me! We enjoyed the movie and each other's company and went and picked up Nathan who had been visiting his girlfriend. Lots of bantering in the drive back to his place and I loved it when a song we both knew came on and he and I were both singing along.
As Nathan and I were driving home, we evaluated the "date" and the man. Nathan was impressed with who he was a person and the way he treated me, the way he talked to Nathan, the way he and I seemed to be very comfortable and relaxed with each other and the way he spoke of his daughters and wife. It was all good. It was nice to be with someone whose company I enjoyed and who I felt comfortable with.
Yesterday, Nathan and I attended a First Aid course at the school and I enjoyed sharing that day with him and with some of my favourite colleagues. We laughed and had so much fun, so by the time I ended up watching, "My Fair Lady" on a dvd that night, I was quite content with where I was at in my life and sang along with the songs.
I slept well last night which was good as I haven't had much sleep over the last week and I haven't been feeling well since I've had a cold. I woke up refreshed and ready for the day ahead. I don't know where my life is headed and what will happen, even in the next couple of weeks. In my devotions, I read recently, "
But instantly He spoke to them, saying, "Take courage! I AM! Stop being afraid!" This was Jesus' response to the disciples when they encountered a storm while out in a boat. He was saying, "I AM here for you right now, and you must have faith now that everything is going to be all right." That is how you should be living your life -- with a 'now' faith..... God wants you to live for today. Worrying about yesterday or tomorrow steals today. But the great I AM has given you just enough grace for today.... So use the favour and power of the Holy Spirit to do His will right now."
Anyway, there's been more devotional thoughts that God keeps using to remind me to lean on Him, to trust Him and to move forward with Him. Sometimes it is hard for me to be patient about my life and to wait for things to come about. I tend to rush in as an attempt to make it all better and to have it settled. I don't like suspense and waiting to see how things unfold but I keep being reminded that He does make everything beautiful, "In His time" and His timing really is perfect.
I had a good friend come stay over on Sunday and we had a great time. Instead of calling for a pizza, I cooked a roast lamb and served it with scalloped potatoes and steamed veggies. Donna made a Dutch apple pie, using my Kenwood chef so I now know it works! It was a delicious meal. We watched three, very different movies beginning with "What Women Want" and then "The Long Kiss Goodnight". "The Long Kiss Goodnight" is a drama starring Geena Davies and Dave and I both enjoyed that movie. For the final movie, we watched, "The Princess Bride". Donna had never seen that movie before which really surprised me but we enjoyed all three movies.
The next day, we decided to go for a walk to the Post Office as I had to renew my passport and she had to post a package to a friend. It's only going to take 10 working days to get my new passport - a big improvement on the days when it would take at least 6 weeks. As we walked, I fell over onto the ground. I hurt my ankle a little, my right finger still feels achy, my left knee was scraped and I hurt my left palm, too. I don't know how I did it but it reminded me of a time back in October 2009 when Dave and I went to his parents' place for Dad's 90th birthday.
On Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk and as I walked across the bridge not far from their place, I fell over. Dave had just looked away for a second and when he turned back, I was 'gone'. My jeans were ripped, my ankle was really sore and my left knee - scraped up and bleeding. Dave asked if I wanted to go back but we'd only just begun the walk and I was so happy to be alone with him, that I ignored the pain and we kept walking. We walked past the salmon farm, walked past the beaver dam, and walked through the woods. Dave listened for 'danger' and on the way back, we saw a deer in the middle of the road.
On that walk, as I followed Dave through the woods, I knew for sure that I wanted to marry him. I even thought of asking him to marry me but I knew it was best for him to ask me when he was ready. We walked for about two hours and then he complained about being tired. I laughed considering I was the one who had the sore leg and ankle. It was worth it!
When we got back to Mom and Dad's home, Mom made me sit in a chair so that she could clean the cut for me. Dad went and got a bandage to cover it and Mom put my torn jeans in the washing machine to get them clean again. I will never forget how special that whole weekend was. I got to meet Dave's family and from the start, I felt at home with them. I felt like I belonged with them.
This post is going to be raw honesty because that's the way I write.
In all honesty, this is the worst I've ever felt since Dave's passed away, even though it should be getting easier, better, and/or less painful. I should be feeling good because I'm on Term break for 2 weeks, have a very good friend coming to stay the night tonight and then at the end of next week, Nathan and I will be making some good memories.
So much is going on in my head and the last few nights, even my dreams have been full of conflict and hurt. I hate being like this! I hate tears falling at any moment of the day and I know I don't want to burden my family and friends but on the other hand, I'm screaming out because I want to be loved and I want reassurance that I make a difference in their life and that I do matter. I almost called to cancel my friend coming over today because I'd rather hide under the covers than have to be sharing time, tears, making myself vulnerable, admitting that I'm not doing OK to someone who cares. I have kept Skype off because I can't be bubbly and positive and I only go to Facebook for the games and to see how the people I love are doing.
I'm looking for things that will ease the pain. The other night I watched "Mary Poppins" which is a feel good movie and it worked, temporarily. I understood what Mary meant when she said, "Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle
their thinking."
I am nowhere near practically perfect if that is the definition though. I don't know if I feel like this because I am grieving or because work has been stressful,. Or maybe it's because I am reminded that I have no job security at the end of this year or because I have no home of my own or that no one will notice 'immediately' if I don't come home tonight. It's probably all of those things combined.
In my devotions on June 24th I read, "In times of trouble God hides you in Christ. Safe in the cleft of the Rock, there is provision for your needs. It may not be everything you want, but He gives you what you need to get through the situation.... God desires to pour out His goodness upon you. He has covered you with His hand and is continually moving toward you with the answer..."
On June 25th I read, "Many times you ask God to speak to you, but if He doesn't respond with a specific word, you still have to live your daily life." and on June 27th I read, "So many Christians are headed somewhere, but not many of us are enjoying the trip. It would be such a tragedy to arrive at the end of your journey only to realise you had not enjoyed life to its fullest..... Whatever your present station in life, whatever you are called to do, wherever you are called to go, enjoy the journey. Don't waste one day of the precious life God has given you. Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say, rejoice!"
I get it in my head. I understand what it is saying and I want that for my life. I do want to live again and enjoy life and give and bless others. I wrote on Facebook, "I know I have lots in my life to be thankful for and I am thankful for the people, both family and friends, in my life. But even when I am having fun, even when I share meals with others and even while I am thankful for others who love me, there's still someone missing in my life. I still miss Dave and wish I could be sharing my life with him - as we had planned. There's a big part of my heart that feels empty without him. And I don't say this for your pity or condolences. It just is what it is."
It's raining outside and my house is mostly clean and ready for when my friend turns up. It should be cleaner but I am lacking in motivation. I will have to go to the school during the holidays and get ready for next term, too.
I really wish I could find a way to get over this slump of grief. I wish I had the motivation and stability to move forward. I wish I knew where I could feel I belong, feel I could put down roots, feel I could give and have the assurance that if I make myelf so vulnerable, it won't be snatched away from me and I won't have to face this much hurt and loss again.
Yesterday, I sat down to have a meeting with one of the staff members and she brought up the subject of next year and I was reminded that the job I have at the moment, is only until the end of the year. She made some constructive suggestions as to what I need to do to continue/pursue employment with this school and also gave me some ideas for next term. It was encouraging..... and discouraging. It wasn't her fault it was discouraging... it was the reminder that I have to be proactive about my plans for next year and beyond. It was the reminder that I have to consider what I want to do, where I want to live and what my dreams are for living in this world.
On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared. It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him. It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future. After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago. A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together. Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.
That evening, I went out for dinner with 2 friends from school and later, I showed Rebecca the "Hamish and Andy Gap Year" DVD and pointed out to her where Dave and I stood and then turned, next to the combine harvester they used in the demolition derby and Hamish and Andy were nearby. As I talked to her later, I looked above her head to the photo collage I had made of Dave and I, soon after Dave had passed away. When I crawled into my warm bed (thanks to the electric blanket) my thoughts were of Dave and the fun we had shared together. My thoughts also turned to the present and future and I cried a little to think of having to make decisions about a future without Dave.
I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment. I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable. That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly. I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision. I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!" She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.
I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype and even Dan and Rhonda, a little bit. I miss them so much. It sometimes surprises me how much I love Dave's family and how much they love me. I am so blessed to have such wonderful in-laws and their love, encouragement and support helps to get me through some tough times, more than they could ever know. Sometimes when I am missing Dave or when I'm having a tough day, even if it's just dealing with day-to-day type stuff, it helps to think of them and to know that they're praying for me, that they know how much I love Dave and that they're only a skype call away.
Another thing I was thinking about was how losing a spouse is not something one can prepare for. Well, I know 'death' is tough but I have lost my mum, I have lost grandparents, lost relatives and friends and even a pet dog but nothing compares to losing Dave. Nothing compares to having start my life all over again, still very much in love and yet on my own with no way to fulfill our dreams and plans or even the days, with him.
I don't want to make decisions. I don't know what I want or even what I can expect my future to be. Life changes and dreams don't unfold the way we sometimes hope them to be. I don't want to make a decision that will change my life all over again. I just want to stay put. I ordered a poster recently which has this quote: "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." This part of my grief journey is tough. There's a part of me that wants to get on with life, move forward and be willing to take risks and there's a part of my heart screaming out to not put myself in a place where I have to become vulnerable again, where I might have to deal with change and loss all over again.
On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty. He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate. It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty! Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will. I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.
I went to church this morning and still find it difficult. I'm not sure why it's like that - perhaps I need to keep visiting other churches, perhaps it's just me. The sermon was good and so was the music. The sermon was from Jonah 1 and talked about what is in our secret hold. A great illustration she shared was that a tic was found in her body and she asked how to get it out. The chemist told her that tics burrow clockwise, like a screw, and they need to be pulled out anti-clockwise. She said how sometimes secret things e.g. pride and worry, burrow in as the clock ticks around but they still need to be pulled out.
The last few days I've been doing some thinking and sorting out in this ol' mind of mine. I've been thinking about mountain tops and struggles as I prepare for staff devotions next week and I remembered a quote from "The Noticer" about how we have to come down off the mountain, go through the valley.. that we slog through.. learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak. I printed out the quote and will laminate it to stick it next to my desk in my classroom but the following words really spoke to my heart:
"So my contention is that you are right where you are supposed to be... Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become."
I am right where I am supposed to be. I may not like the way I got here but I am where I am supposed to be. I do think, learn and pray but my attitude has been that I am in a holding place and I'm grieving so I don't want to make myself vulnerable and plan and dream. Yet, that is what I should do. Plan. Dream.
Next Tuesday - only 2 days away - marks the day that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. I have talked about it a lot so that it's become less secret and I know people are praying for me. I have even told my students who can be quite sensitive. I've done some thinking about them too. My beautiful mom (in law) said to me that she is thankful that my students have me for their teacher and I am thankful that she believes in me. On Friday though, my students didn't have a good day and when they had a couple specialist subjects, they misbehaved, badly and they were very remorseful at the end of the day when it was time to go home. One girl said, "It's not the teacher's fault, it's ours" and they all agreed. I did tell them that they need to take responsibility for their own behaviour and that they shouldn't blame others. We had a time of praying together and at one time when I opened my eyes, a saw a boy with his arm on another boy's shoulder as he prayed for him and for the others who were so upset.
Much of my time this year, I have focussed on trying to change their behaviour in order to be able to teach them and sometimes I have missed seeing the heart of these children. What I have been doing is not bad but they really need to be given a lot of love with firm boundaries. On Tuesday, we're going to put aside the books and worksheets for some of the time, while we have fun with together. They are going to write encouragement notes for each other and put them inside a goody bag I have made for them and I will get them to make cards for the other teachers they have. We will talk about the good things they have to be thankful for and talk about their worries and concerns and we will play some educational games as well. I will probably take my guitar in so we can sing, too. It sounds good and I hope it will be but I do know that some children can get too impulsive and react in an inappropriate way during unstructured activities so I will need to keep an eye on that as well. Being my wedding anniversary, I think it will be helpful for my students and for me.
It's winter time here and although the sun was shining when I left church this morning, it is now cold and has rained. My toes are cold inside my socks and slippers and I am sitting directly in front of the heater. I want to go and play/groom horses this afternoon so I hope it clears up soon.
Which brings me to some more exciting news! After the weekend of looking at horses, I was feeling a bit discouraged because I realised that I probably don't have the time to commit to owning a horse yet. While I'm saving up to buy a western saddle, which are not very common here in Australia, I also want to go away and visit friends, too. I figured out that what I really want is to be able to go play/groom a horse and ride it but that it might have to wait for a while. (This photo was taken when I first met Stormy and Dee.)
A friend on the staff at school, suggested I call her husband as he has a few horses and he might be able to help me. When I called him, I told him a condensed version of why I wanted a horse and what I can be committed to and he told me he had two thoroughbreds for sale but that I could come out, look them over, groom them, ride them later when I'm ready and that he would also give me some tips as well before I commit to buying them. He keeps his horses on a farm about 10 minutes drive from my home. I was so excited. I then commented that I didn't have a saddle yet and he said, "That's OK, I have a few saddles. I have western saddles". That clinched it for me. I hadn't even mentioned that I wanted a western saddle so when he said that, I realised just how much God loves me and looks after me, even down to the smallest detail!
The two thoroughbreds are about 13 years old and one is 17 hands, as Stormy is and the other is about Dee's size. Choose between them? In my heart, I know that I want to own more than one horse and if the price is right and if I can find a place to keep them, and if I fall in love with both of them, it's just possible that I will buy both. (Like I did last time.) In the meantime, it's also report writing time so I need to get stuck into that too. A couple years ago when I was heading for the States I said to Dave, "Yay! The one thing I won't miss about teaching, is writing reports!!" He laughed and now here I am again, procrastinating from report writing. Some things never change.
Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become.
As I have to speak next Thursday for staff devotions, I thought I would share this video clip. I was on the roster to speak on Tuesday, 12th June 2012 but I was allowed to swap it since that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. This song is my 2nd favourite at the moment but it does remind me, that no matter what I go through, God is faithful and He is there beside me the whole time!
I will not be overcome!
My mum used to have a book called, "Where Does A Mother Go To Resign" and to be honest, more than a few times have I wondered, "Where does a widow go to resign?" The world moves on and I move forward in autopilot. I feel crowded on every side, not being able to see past this moment, yet vaguely hoping that there will come a time when I'm not merely going through the motions but will really enjoy life. Vainly I keep waiting for Dave to come home to me, knowing that he won't but still wishing he would. I remember our brief marriage together and remember the conversation we had about our age difference when I said, "If we only have 6 years together, it will be worth it." Neither of us expected our marriage, Dave's life, to end so abruptly and so soon. It hurts bad!
I clutch at straws trying to find something that will awaken in me, a purpose for my life. Last week I looked at 2 horses for sale. My thoughts are that if I have my own horse, it will be as though I have brought something of my life with Dave, into my present life now. Practically speaking, having a horse that I have to agist, commit myself to and yet not knowing what tomorrow will bring overwhelms and discourages me. I want to ride but does it fit in to my life as it is right now? Ideally, it would be great if I had a friend who lived nearby and who owned a horse I could just ride and groom but none of my friends do.
My class is challenging as one could expect with two-thirds of the class being 8 and 9 year old boys. Finding a way to engage them in learning, a way to help them focus in a classroom when they'd rather be outside stamping in puddles or playing football, is no mean feat. While I try to cater for them, I can not forget the other third of the class who would be quite happy spending a few hours chatting socially, or like to read when all else is mayhem around them, and some have taken an interest in horses, too. I scour books, websites and memories, trying to discover the key to helping each individual student realise just how talented they are and how important it is to focus on their learning so that they can grow up with the ability to use their gifts and skills profitably.
In the meantime, it's been 10 months and 2 days since Dave passed away and our wedding anniversary is in 8 days time. I don't know how to face that day. It's not like celebrating his life on his birthday - this is more personal. I am thankful for the 13 months and 3 weeks of our marriage but it wasn't long enough. It would be pitiful to go out and buy jewelry just because Dave had promised that one day, when we could afford it, he would buy me jewelry. If I had friends over, what do we do? Look at wedding photos? I can't have a romantic dinner.
That is part of the reason I was hoping to have a horse by now. I thought that going riding would be a good way to remember our marriage. I have to work that day anyway. And that brings up another question. What frame of mind will I be in, when I teach that day? Should I take a 'personal day'? And yet, I might be fine and the distraction might be good. I know that God will give me the strength to get through that day.
Some mornings I wake up with tears still on my cheeks. Some nights I am still crying when I fall asleep. Some days I make my mind think about something totally boring to keep the tears away. I thought by now, I would be past this point in grief but instead, the last two weeks have been harder, probably because of Memorial weekend and because our wedding anniversary date looms closer. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of trying to move forward when all I want is to 'stop the world, so I can get off.' I try to be positive but there are days I just want to be given permission to shout, "This is not fair!"
I want someone to come alongside me and just allow me to cry and be weak. Someone who wouldn't feel uncomfortable by my tears and who wouldn't ask me to be strong and get over it. Someone who cares enough to be silent, make me hot chocolate, pour me a diet coke or plays a board game with me. I want someone to know and care if I'm having a bad day and yet, everyone else is moving forward with their lives, their family, their spouses, children and friends.
Life goes on. I know I have friends and family who love me and who care but I am still alone at home and still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and start all over again: in my work, my friendships, my home, my possessions, my leisuretime activities and my finances etc. I haven't found a church yet where I have felt I belong. It's hard to put down roots when I don't know if this is where I will be in another year's time, or even two or three year's time. I've always tried to make wherever I live, my home but right now, having been torn out of the life I shared with Dave, I don't want to be so vulnerable again. To be honest, I don't know what I want and making any decisions is all too hard for me.
I don't have a choice about some things. I will keep moving forward, swept along by life, going through the motions, trying to be positive and be strong so that, maybe one day, I'll wake up and know that I am going to live life rather than just drift along in my grief, in this life.
A couple of weeks ago, Nathan and I went on a short holiday interstate and we had a good time. There were times that I realised he and I needed to re-establish our relationship because I am no longer a mother to a young son. I am now mother to a young adult son and with that, our relationship changes more towards a close friendship rather than me in 'authority', yet also with me still wanting to guide him, steer him the right way and make sure he continues to walk as a godly young man. He, on the other hand, is a typical (almost) 20 year old man with a girlfriend, study and life and he is at a point where he wants to be independent and make his own choices about how his life will unfold. 
So, I continued giving him driving lessons for a manual car, we went on a tour to Kangaroo Island which we enjoyed immensely, went to a market and shared a 'pig's ear' and we went to a bookstore and bought books to read. We do have a lot in common and I am very thankful for my son!
Yesterday, Nathan and I attended a First Aid course at the school and I enjoyed sharing that day with him and with some of my favourite colleagues. We laughed and had so much fun, so by the time I ended up watching, "My Fair Lady" on a dvd that night, I was quite content with where I was at in my life and sang along with the songs. 
