Decisions, Indecisions and Dreams.

Yesterday, I sat down to have a meeting with one of the staff members and she brought up the subject of next year and I was reminded that the job I have at the moment, is only until the end of the year.  She made some constructive suggestions as to what I need to do to continue/pursue employment with this school and also gave me some ideas for next term.  It was encouraging..... and discouraging.  It wasn't her fault it was discouraging... it was the reminder that I have to be proactive about my plans for next year and beyond.  It was the reminder that I have to consider what I want to do, where I want to live and what my dreams are for living in this world. 

On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared.  It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him.  It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future.  After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago.  A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together.  Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.

That evening, I went out for dinner with 2 friends from school and later, I showed Rebecca the "Hamish and Andy Gap Year"  DVD and pointed out to her where Dave and I stood and then turned, next to the combine harvester they used in the demolition derby and Hamish and Andy were nearby.  As I talked to her later, I looked above her head to the photo collage I had made of Dave and I, soon after Dave had passed away.  When I crawled into my warm bed (thanks to the electric blanket) my thoughts were of Dave and the fun we had shared together.  My thoughts also turned to the present and future and I cried a little to think of having to make decisions about a future without Dave.

I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment.  I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off.  I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable.  That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly.  I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision.  I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!"  She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.

I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype and even Dan and Rhonda, a little bit.  I miss them so much.  It sometimes surprises me how much I love Dave's family and how much they love me.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful in-laws and their love, encouragement and support helps to get me through some tough times, more than they could ever know.  Sometimes when I am missing Dave or when I'm having a tough day, even if it's just dealing with day-to-day type stuff, it helps to think of them and to know that they're praying for me, that they know how much I love Dave and that they're only a skype call away.

Another thing I was thinking about was how losing a spouse is not something one can prepare for.  Well, I know 'death' is tough but I have lost my mum, I have lost grandparents, lost relatives and friends and even a pet dog but nothing compares to losing Dave.  Nothing compares to having start my life all over again, still very much in love and yet on my own with no way to fulfill our dreams and plans or even the days, with him.

I don't want to make decisions.  I don't know what I want or even what I can expect my future to be.  Life changes and dreams don't unfold the way we sometimes hope them to be.  I don't want to make a decision that will change my life all over again.  I just want to stay put.  I ordered a poster recently which has this quote: "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."  This part of my grief journey is tough.  There's a part of me that wants to get on with life, move forward and be willing to take risks and there's a part of my heart screaming out to not put myself in a place where I have to become vulnerable again, where I might have to deal with change and loss all over again.

On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty.  He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate.  It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty!  Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will.  I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.